Dear Bro Jo -
I think boys think I'm hot, they keep asking me for my phone number, but they never call. When I finally call them, they don't ask me out, they just want me to come over to their house and hang out. I go over and we watch a movie or I watch him and his friends play video games, but he never asks me out. I think these boys like me, or they wouldn't ask for my number, right?
Confused in Missoula
Dear Confused Miss -
OK, there are several issues here.
First of all you need to stop acting dumb. I'm not saying you are dumb, but you're doing some pretty stupid stuff. You're not being dated because you're a hang out buddy; you've put yourself in the position of being the make-out safety net - why go out and work for a girlfriend when, if he ever gets around to thinking he wants one, and if no one better than you comes along, you'll be there waiting in the Living Room?
You may be thinking "that's ok with me because then he'll finally be my boyfriend" . . . yeah, you're wrong there, too, kiddo. Sorry to be the one to break it to you, but if he doesn't have to work to earn your affection, you be miss "ok for now" not "miss right", it doesn't matter how "hot" you may be.
Why should some guy ask you out if you're conveniently at his home anyway? Why go out to a movie if DVDs are delivered to your door for free?
In "The Old Days" guys used to spend several dates trying to figure out how to "get the girl back to his place"; you're eliminating the need for all that work. Why woo you if you're just going to hang around waiting for his friends to go home so he can try to smooch you (if he ever has the courage to do so)? Even if you're not "putting out" (and I really hope you're not THAT dumb), you are easy. Have some self respect!
The second thing you need to realize is that, while it takes a bit of courage to ask a pretty girl for phone number, some guys collect numbers like Baseball Cards (does anyone collect Baseball Cards anymore?). Asking you for your number is all the courage he's got. True, he wouldn't do it if he didn't think you were attractive enough to impress his friends (that's an article for another day), but if he doesn't call it's because he's just not "man enough" yet. You're right, he wouldn't ask you for your number if he didn't like you, but You calling Him is not going to suddenly make him more mature.
My wife refused to call boys when she was single, including me. I don't think she called me one time until we were engaged to be married. She understood the value of making boys work. We value more the things that take effort.
Clearly you think you're attractive, and I'm sure you are, and that's good. Now you need to start acting like you have Value. Those, my friend, are two different things.
Not just on dates, but all the time, everywhere you go. No man will ever love you if he doesn't respect you, and he'll never respect you if you don't respect yourself. You can quote me on that.
If a boy asks for your number but never calls, he's not ready to date a girl of your caliber and worth. If he does call and wants you to come over and "hang out", tell him "No". Parties at his home with lots of people are one thing: that can be a nice low-pressure way to get to know someone better and decide if you want to date them. Hanging around and doing "not much of anything" is a bad idea on oh-so-many levels. As the wife says "Once you become a Buddy, you'll never be the Girlfriend even if he treats you that way because you're convenient or he just wants to pass the time until someone better comes along".
Tell the guy that calls and wants to "Hang Out" that you're not looking for a buddy; if he wants to date you he can call again. You'll be surprised how demanding a little well-deserved (you are a daughter of God, right?) respect goes a long way.
By the way, a great tool for teaching a boy that you deserve to be respected is to require him to open doors for you on your date. Show him that chivalry is not dead, and that you expect him to be the man and you to be pampered. When you get to his car, or where ever you're going, stand by the door and wait for him to open it (stand enough out of the way that it's clear what you want and he doesn't accidentally bean you with the door). He may not clue in until he's inside and you're not (I've know some guys to actually drive off without their dates), and he may act incredulous ("What are you doing? Get in the car!") but hold your ground ladies! Respond by sweetly saying "aren't you going to open the door for me?"
If he refuses, you might as well turn around and go back inside, this guy is not ready to treat you well. If he capitulates, well then, NOW we're courting!
For those of you boys and girls who read the column and are still in High School or pre-Mission, now is not the time to be looking for a serious relationship, but the rules of respect still apply. There's nothing wrong with practicing them now.
I know several of you (especially the Young Women) think you have lots of opposite-sex people in your life that are "buddies" (I'm sure I'll get a chance to address the "men and women can't be friends" thing in a later column), but the dangers of "hanging out" still apply and the need for self-respect is no less important just because you're under 18.
- Bro Jo
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