Men and Women Can't Be Friends

Dear Bro. Jo,

I am a freshman at my local high school and even though the school year is almost over, I've never seen so much drama! You see, I made the mistake of "kinda" dating a good friend of mine and we both realized that we're better off as good friends very soon off. We now are great mutual friends and I thought it was behind me.

But recently, my best guy friend who is a member of the church and I always admired him for the way he seemed to stand for what we believed in. A couple of months ago, he asked out one of my best non-Mormon friends and they have been getting very serious. I was so worried that he was falling away and not standing for the belief of not dating before 16.

Now that a good friend of mine who is also not Mormon commented on how she was surprised that he doesn't seem to be standing for what he says he believes in, I'm extremely worried. I've confronted him about the dating problem and told him he's taking it too far, in my opinion, but he hasn't even considered my worry. I'm now wondering if anything he ever stood for was truly pure in his heart.

I know I made a mistake earlier this year, but I've repented and swore that I will wait until I'm 16 to even consider seriously dating. And now my guy friends best friend is telling me that I'm a hypocrite and that I need to respect my friend and his relationship with his girlfriend because they like each other so it's okay to be so emotionally and physically attached. I'm finding it so hard to stand for what I know is right when the people around me and especially the person I used to look up to are telling me that I'm being ridiculous and stupid.

Am I overreacting due to my not so far back experience or am I in line?

-Lost Mormon Friend


Dear Friend,

Bro Jo’s head is spinning from all the Drama too!

OK, one thing at a time.

Working backwards through your letter . . .

First of all, you ARE overreacting, but you’re not out of line. You do realize, I hope, that in this little play you’re the Drama Queen, right? Rather than focusing on being a friend and setting a good example, you seem to be stirring the pot and butting into everyone’s business. On one level it’s OK to be your “Brother’s Keeper”, but looking out for your friends is not the same as meddling in their relationships (we’ll get to why you’re doing that in a minute). You’re “In Line” when you remind your friends about Gospel Principles, your allowing yourself to be swept up in the drama, and thus overreacting.

Secondly, you’re not being a hypocrite. That would require you to be unrepentant and still dating. Your “friend” (the quotes are intentional) is calling you names because he knows he’s doing wrong; he’s trying to make you feel bad and to excuse his behavior. Don’t fall for it.

Third, you’re jumping to conclusions about the level of this boy’s testimony. He still knows what’s true; he’s just in denial because the sinning FEELS good (for now). You won’t be able to change his mind, either. You still have an obligation to stand for and speak what’s right, but he won’t listen to you until he realizes on his own that this is a bad path. When he does, and he will, instead of telling him that you “told him so”, bear testimony to him of the Savior and the Power of Repentance.

Fourth, I’m glad you realized that it’s better to wait to date when you’re 16, but that’s when we start “casually dating” not when we start “seriously dating”; there’s a very big difference, and you need to learn it. Serious Dating is what we do when we’re looking for a spouse (and you’re at least 4 or 5 years away from that phase); Casual Dating is what we do when we’re testing the waters, getting to know people better, and having fun.

Don’t rush through the Casual Dating phase, you’ll miss a lot of good times and risk making a lot of life altering decisions (as you’ve noticed several kids in your school doing – I’m old, but I know what goes on in High School).

Finally, and no doubt most controversially, you don’t have any “guy friends”.

I always ruffle more than a few feathers when I preach the “Men and Women can’t be friends” doctrine. Mostly from women, which I say just proves my point, but that just makes people madder . . .

The line is from a movie (which you should only see on Edited Television), but it still holds true.

The problem is two fold, one of semantics and the other social context. The word “friend” has become so watered down recently that I need to concede that it no longer means to everyone what it means to me. In my world a friend is someone that’s more than an acquaintance, colleague, teammate, fellow parishioner, coworker, or someone you chat with at business networking functions.

Friendship to me denotes a level of commitment. Friends talk about personal, intimate stuff. They eat meals together. That level of “friendship” is inappropriate between a married person and an opposite-sex person that is not their spouse, married or not. Why? Because two opposite-sex people alone together at lunch, regardless of age or marital status, is a "date".

I’m social with ladies at Church, but I would never take one of them on what an outside observer could, even accidentally, construe as a date. We're acquaintances, not best friends. Even if I say "Hi, friend!" that doesn't mean we take one-on-one walks in the park.

You may have four hundred “friends” on Facebook, but emails and instant messages are not alone enough substance to constitute a solid relationship.

In a social context, what many people, again mostly women (and even more so: young single women) fail to understand is that No Man will spend Quality Intimate Friend Time with a woman he’s not attracted to. It doesn’t matter if he’s married, sworn off women forever, or just a “buddy that hangs out” at your apartment. If he’s straight (and sometimes even if he’s not) and he’s spending lots of time with you, it’s because he wants the relationship to take on a physical aspect. Perhaps not right away and perhaps he will never have the courage to do or say anything, but that’s why he’s there. Even if he says it’s not.

("Boys" and "Girls" are an exception to the rule. Note that the quote says "Men and Women", I include that to mean "Young Men and Young Women", but if maturity is lacking, and we're still talking about "boys and girls", friendship is possible. We all mature at a different rate, and that's perfectly OK. Me, I started being openly interested in girls in the second grade . . . some guys are too afraid to hold a girl's hand even though they're 35 - that's part of why they're still single - again, I digress)

The introduction of the "Men and Women can't be friends" principle is a revelation often leads young women’s minds to race: “is so-and-so really attracted to me?”

Yes, he is.

They all are.

Even if he denies it, he thinks you're pretty.

If my daughter is reading this, you need to know three things:

1) Guys lie - especially when embarrassed

2) Guys are shallow - we're wired to observe all that is pretty

3) Guys are dumb - that goes without saying, but we blame girls for making us that way

If there's a guy that seems to be spending a large quantity of his time with you, he's interested. If that’s a bad thing, you’re well advised to alter that relationship, pronto. And you'll have to be clear (see rule number 3 above); you can say "I'm not really interested in dating anyone right now" and he'll hear "but if you follow me around forever, eventually I'll give in and love you".

And therein is part a big part of your problem, Friend (there’s a joke in there somewhere), even though you’ve already discovered that Friendship with a boy can lead to Romance, you’re not seeing that a large part of the conflict between you and your “best buddy” is the underlying reality that you may date each other in the future. THAT’S why there’s so much Drama, THAT’S part of why he won’t listen to you now when you tell him to break up with his girlfriend – he thinks you’re biased (even if you’re not).

So . . . what’s a Girl to do?

You’ve made the right decision to put off dating until you’re 16. When you are old enough, keep it casual. Continue being Friendly, but realize that the potential for romance will infest every guy-girl friendship, and beware. NEVER let the sins of others make you feel bad for making the right choice, regardless of what anyone says or does.

And be patient; the Drama will pass. If not right away, at least by the time you have teenagers of your own. Then it will be their Drama.

- Bro Jo