The Art of Conversation

Dear Bro Jo-

I have this problem where I tend to get shy around boys, but if I've known them for quite awhile I can talk up a storm. But I've been quite interested in some boys in my ward, and I really want to get to know them better before I date in a year, but I never know what to say. I seem to always get tongue tied, and I always seem to say the stupidest things! What should I do to help me have good conversations that aren't awkward or lame or hard to think about?

Thanks for your help!

-Stressed


Dear Stressed,

You’re not alone! Being uncomfortable or uncertain about what to say around the opposite sex, particularly at your age, is the norm, not the exception. We fear that we’ll expose our feelings, or say something unintelligent, or just generally come across as dorky . . .

The Art of Conversation is an important (and, I’m afraid, dying) skill. Why? Because we’re becoming, in my opinion, addicted to communicating through technology. Texting, emails, even cell phone conversations cannot replace the multidimensional communication that happens when we’re face to face (bonus points if you can quote the Scripture Mastery scripture on this subject).

So you’re wise to want to work on improving this skill before you begin dating (although I want everyone to realize that developing this skill is a Very Large Part of why we should regularly Casual Group Date as Teens – you need not be a perfect conversationalist, yet, to date).

The key is to talk to the other person about THEM, not about you. On the Facebook Fan Page I’ve posted “Bro Jo’s LIST of STUFF YOUNG GUYS CAN ASK GIRLS ABOUT WHEN DANCING”, which you should check out; the list works for both Girls and Guys in any conversational setting: the He’s and She’s are interchangeable.

The trick is to start by asking the person you’re talking to a question, LISTEN to what they are saying, and respond with an appropriate and intelligent related follow up question.

Let me give you an example.

Girl: “Hey, Bobby, I heard you’re playing football this year, how’s it going?”

Boy: “It’s OK.”

Girl: “Do you like playing”?

Boy: “Yeah, but we’re in two-a-day practices right now, and it’s really rough.”

Girl: “Two football practices a day sounds like a lot of work. Why do they do it?”


See what’s going on there? Even if she makes a short statement, it’s still followed by a question. If he’s a good conversationalist he’ll start to ask her questions, probably along the same topic.

Boy: “Because most of the guys are out of shape and our first game is the first Friday of school. How about you? Are you in Marching Band again this year?”

Girl: “Yeah, we’re in two-a-day practices as well, but one is in the class room.”

Boy: “Is it air-conditioned?”

Girl: “I wish! But at least it’s inside. Do you guys get to cut practice shorter if it gets too hot?”

She bounces back with another question about him.

And THAT, my friends, is Conversation.

And don’t feel bad. There’re more than a few adults that struggle with the concept, too. I’ve been in “conversation” with plenty of adults that feel like a one-sided 30 minute interview. I use it as an opportunity to learn a lot about them; if they don’t learn about me, well that’s my gain and their loss.

Be less Stressed; enjoy the experience!

- Bro Jo