The Third Wheel

Dear Bro Jo,

First of all, I'm sorry if this seems more like a venting session than a question/answer type e-mail. But you have to know kind of the history behind all this before you can give me good advice. At least, that's how it works in my mind.

I'm not sure what my question is, exactly. Maybe if I explain my troubles, you'll be able to see where I'm coming from.

First of all, I'm very competitive. I like competition, the thrill of the game-usually basketball or soccer, but it can be any game really-and I don't mind getting hurt. It's not that I like to get hurt, but I feel that pain isn't as bad as it's made out to be. I even like to show off bruises and scars. I don't know if that's normal, but that's just how I am. I'm also a bit of a tomboy. I'm a physical person I guess. It's how I express myself, is through contact. I didn't start caring about what people thought of me until my junior year in high school. Even then, I liked how I was. But now I'm not so sure.

I became so aggressive because I was bullied from third grade to seventh. But we'd moved towns, and so the bullies were different. I guess I didn't realize they were really bullies until now, when I look back on it. But finally I stood up to someone, I was tired of being shy and constantly feeling put down because I was the only Mormon girl in town. So I stood up to the guy, and he left me alone. Then later I realized during our PE class that though I didn't completely understand what we were doing, I was giving the older guys a tough time playing basketball or soccer, I was just.... intimidating, I guess. As small as I am, it's hard to believe. Anyways, that's when I started to get competitive. I was always full of energy, and I'd play games with friends, but it was never really a competition to me until seventh grade. Now that aggressiveness and competitiveness have become ingrained into the fabric of who I am.

I am an actress, and I love to put myself in others' shoes. I love to find the story behind a person's life, to see why they act the way they do. In our production of Robin Hood, when I told my character's story to our cast, they all sympathized with the character, who happened to be evil. Lately I feel like I've been acting the part that I used to be. More elaboration on that later.

I also get good grades, and I like math.

I had one boyfriend in High School. Again we'd moved towns, and this time I wasn't bullied, I was accepted. There were other LDS youth, there were THREE whole wards. But anyways, my boyfriend. He hadn't graduated because of the school's political corruption, but he had his GED, and he was smart enough for himself. Now I look back and think that he wasn't everything I thought he was. Anyway, he left on his mission in April. But before that, in February, he admitted he'd cheated on me. I wasn't mad, and I don't know why. I forgave him right off. Then prom night came around.... we didn't have sex or anything like that, but we were in the car and we were on top of each other and.... passion makes us stop thinking. He was supposed to be leaving on his mission in four days. So I stopped it. He didn't feel we'd done anything wrong. I did. But I didn't want to take it to my bishop or my family, because I didn't want to see the disappointment in their eyes. I lost many a night's sleep over this. Praying and wanting to be forgiven.

Then three weeks into his mission he wrote a letter telling me he'd cheated on me again with two other girls before he left. This time I was sick of it. I'd given him my heart twice, and twice he'd ripped it up and thrown it in my face. Add to that that he didn't feel ashamed about what had happened on prom night, I was done. I told him I'd still write, but that even when he did come back, I didn't think we'd date again. He was fine with that, and asked that we'd still be friends. I agreed.

I came to college, and thought it was over. I didn't have to see the car sitting in his driveway, I didn't have to see all the places we'd been together, or even sit on the same couch where we'd spent so much time watching movies and talking. During the summer, I'd finally thought I was over it, and over him.

But something in sacrament meeting brought it back up. Just some off-hand remark made by one of my friends brought me back to that car. So I went to my new bishop. He explained to me that God had already forgiven me, I was at the point that I needed to forgive myself. I'm still not sure I have.

I was happy here at college. It's great to meet so many new people, to be able to be away from family and be able to strike out to be my own person. The thing is, I'm not sure who that is yet.

Then one of my closest friends found this amazing guy, and they started going out. I was happy for them. Sure, I was the third wheel, but I got along fine with them, and it wasn't awkward because they're not the touchy-feely type. It felt like I was with friends, and I was still happy. And then, if I needed a break, I'd go hang with one of my other close friends.

But then SHE found someone else totally amazing. Again I felt like the third wheel, even though they aren't really going out. They know they like each other, and he's an RM, but they're happy just remaining friends.
Again I'm the third wheel. This is where my acting comes in. I'm now acting the happy-go-lucky me I used to be. They don't see the lonely me. I see how happy my two friends are and I'm so happy for them, but I can't help thinking, "Why can't I be happy for ME? Why am I so intimidating that guys don't see everything?"
They see the tomboy me, the aggressive, independent, I-don't-want-you-to-feel-sorry-for-me-even-though-I'm-on-crutches me. They don't see the girl who loves to act, and sing, and dance, and read Shakespeare all night. They see aggressiveness, and independence, not sweetness, or playfulness. Do I really intimidate them because I'm smart as well as athletic?

Then I made the mistake of telling one of my friends some of this, and now she feels guilty that she's happy and I'm not. I don't know what to do anymore. She says I fit the stereotype heroine in books. The strong independent one who sweeps her man off his feet. and even though those are some of my favorite characters, I'm still harboring the desire for someone to come sweep me off mine. Like the song Holding Out For A Hero by Bonnie Tyler, it's gonna take a Superman to sweep me off my feet.

It would be easier to sweep someone else off his, but first of all I have no clue how, and second, despite being competitive, I'm also shy. Mostly because I don't want something like what happened at prom night to happen again. I was afraid that night, because I liked the feeling. I liked being alone with him, feeling the passion sweep us away. And I don't want it to happen again. the few people who know about it have said that since I know what it's like, and since I'm scared of it happening again, it won't happen again because I won't let it. I'm not sure I completely buy into that theory.

So now you know my story, maybe you could give me some advice? For an independent, strong, confused, shy girl?

sincerely,

Confused in College


Dear Confused,

First of all, you need to know that lots of guys LIKE strong, independent, competitive, athletic women – I married one!

Secondly, with respect I suggest to you that you’re not necessarily any more independent than anyone else; and you need to realize that’s OK.

It’s OK to depend upon others once in awhile, and it’s Very OK to depend on Heavenly Father and Christ all of the time. You may not want to see disappointment in the eyes of you parents or Bishop, but when we truly repent of what we’ve done wrong we can be assured that, even though the guilt we feel may linger (which is some ways is a good thing), what we won’t have to endure is the disappointment in the Lord’s eyes. Instead he’ll welcome us with open arms and approval, and THAT, little sister, is more valuable than any earthly things we need to endure on our path back to Him.

Now, whether or not you still need to repent of the incident you mentioned is between you and the Lord. If you’re uncertain, then by all means do talk to your Bishop again, but my instinct is that you can trust him when he tells you that you’ve been forgiven.

Let me say a little something more about “guilt”. We’re told in the scriptures that when we’ve repented the Lord forgets our sin, not that we forget our sin. I know we often hear in the Church that if you’ve truly repented the sin doesn’t bother you anymore, and that Can be true, but isn’t necessarily always so; and, as I said, I think that can be a good thing.

Yes, it’s a sign of faith in the atonement that we are able to let the sin go, to trust in the Lord, and to feel the warmth of His redeeming love; however, we’re also supposed to learn from our Trials and Tribulations, even those we bring upon ourselves.

You may always remember how expressing your passionate feelings at an inappropriate time made you feel. While I believe that the guilt will fade over time, I also believe that it can help you stay on the straight and narrow path. By realizing you don’t want to feel that way again, you can be motivated to make correct choices.

Later in life, when you testify of the Savior’s love and the power of the atonement you may remember this time when you were personally healed. (Readers: please note that Bro Jo NEVER advocates sharing WHAT we repented from, especially in public or to young people, lest we give the wrong impression that what we did was OK because we’re fine now. Everyone needs to repent, but no one should sin with the excuse that “so-and-so” did it.)

Regarding being the Third Wheel, I think you should knock it off. You have great friends that care about you, and that’s wonderful, but return the favor by allowing them to be alone on their dates. Touchy-feely or not, you need to not allow them to allow you to inject yourself into their relationship. It’s not good for them, and it’s not good for you.

You need to find a way to trust Good Guys again. Let’s face it, the guy from the car was NOT a Good Guy; he used you (and several other Young Women). How you feel is understandable; while I often tell women that they should go out with any guy that is brave enough to ask (even if he was prodded to ask), she should NEVER go out with someone that makes her feel un-safe.  Ever.

There’s nothing wrong with putting a positive spin on how we feel, or as you say ‘acting happy”. Keep it up! I’m not saying to bury your feelings, but there’s a lot that’s attractive about someone who works at Being Positive.

Allow yourself some actually happiness, too. You sound like a fun person with lots of interests – let others (including Good Guys) into your life; let them get to know you better.

When guys ask you out (and trust me, they will), if it helps you to be more comfortable, keep the dating locations public and the timing earlier in the day. If a guy asks you to dinner at his place Friday night while his roommates are out of town (and you don’t think this is a sign he’s a Creeper), you can certainly say to him “Thank you for asking me out, but I like my first few dates with a guy I like to keep it kind of casual” (then make a suggestion, with a compliment helps a lot) “I’d love to go out with you! Can our first date be something more like a lunch date, and not at your apartment?”

If he’s unwilling to work with your request and comfort zone, then he’s not really a nice guy (or he may just be dumb). No big deal; move on.

However, I think you’re going to find that most guys, if not nearly every guy, will be happy to plan a date activity that you’re comfortable with simply for the privilege of taking you out.

And it IS a privilege!

(Sisters, never let guys forget that they’re lucky to spend time with you! And not because they’re getting “lucky” . . . that’s a bit of a joke, you know.)

If you’re struggling getting guys to ask you out, there’s a host of suggestions on the Facebook Fan Page, but if you’re still feeling very shy, there’s nothing wrong with asking one of those great friends of yours to set you up – that’s what friends are for!

If you ever need to vent again, I’m always here.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Thank you so much. Between you, my bishop, and President Uchtdorf's CES broadcast talk, I feel a lot better now. I am ready to face guys again, and to let the good ones in.

Sincerely,

(name withheld)


Dear NW -

That's wonderful!

- Bro Jo

Readers you can access President Uchtdorf’s CES talk that “Confused” mentions by clicking HERE.