Ah, to U-Ward or Not to U-Ward . . .

Bro Jo,

I am a 20 year old female living in Florida. Unfortunately, growing up I did not get to go on Casual Group Dates, because it seems that is not the standard around here. There were 2 Young men in my ward that were priests when I was a Laurel, and I did not even go out on dates with them. Not once around here have I seen young men ask young women on Dates (It seems to jump from the "Hi my name is..." stage to the "Let’s go steady" stage and skip everything in between.

So not heeding the advice of the prophets and my church leaders, I throughout high School had "boyfriends". Now that I am older (not by much) I see the significance in going on Casual Group Dates, and I am wondering, if I didn't "Date" in my Youth years, is that going to hinder me at all in the grand dating scheme?

Also, I am wondering if you could help me out. I attend church regularly (but not the local Singles Ward, I'm going to be honest with you, that place is scary.) I go to the dances, I attend Institute, but I do not seem to be getting any dates. Now I know the LDS population around here is not very high, but you would think that with all of the people I try to surround myself with that I would get asked on a date every once in a while.

I flirt with the YSA aged men at Institute (not that I'm particularly interested in any of them, but don't really know, I've never been out on a date with one!), I can't even get the men to ask me to dance at the YSA dances. Is there something more I should, or could be doing?

Thanks in advance

Your friend,

Too many "Boyfriends" not enough dating.


Dear Friend,

Great questions!

And "Yes" there's a lot more you should (and can) be doing . . .

But before I get to that, and your other questions, would you mind elaborating on "that place is scary"?

- Bro Jo



Dear Bro Jo - 

lol, I just have never seen the singles ward as being a friendly place, it's very clique-ish and the few times I did go, I felt like I was alone! They don't seem to welcome new people, everyone sits with their groups (like families tend to do in a Family Ward) and they give off weird looks when new people try to join them.

Am I making any sense?


- Friend


Dear Friend,

Oh, yeah.

I only went to the "Student Ward" twice - AFTER I was engaged to Sister Jo - and I didn't like it. (Some guy actually asked her out Right In Front of Me WHILE I was holding the hand I'd placed a ring on!)

But, let's face it, if you feel alone at Church it probably has more to do with you than it does with other people, regardless of the Ward.

It may seem like a tangent topic, but I see it in "Family Wards" all the time - people stop attending because they "claim" that no one was friendly . . . of course they didn't stick around long enough to find out, and they never bothered to make friends . . . and they pigeon-holed everyone into cliques before they really got to know anyone . . . and they assume that no one else in the congregation is anything like them (which we all know isn't true) . . .

New Ward or New School or New Job, we get out of it what we put in.

Sure, you might find that the first day someone comes right up and becomes your New Best Friend, but remember: if you want to have a friend, you've got to be a friend.

And the reason I bring all of this up, Friend, is it's directly related to your main issue.

- Bro Jo


Dear Bro Jo,

That's how our student ward, it's very... student-y, I don't know maybe it's the lack of maturity, but I have been attending the Family ward that I am in for some time now, I go out on exchanges with the Sister Missionaries (Am I planning on going on a mission? I'm not quite sure, we'll see what The Lord has in store for me a year from now, but I might as well do what I can to prepare), and am active in the other ward activities. 

What else could I be doing?


- Friend


Dear Friend,

There's nothing wrong with you attending the "Family Ward", in my opinion, as long as you stay active and be of service (which it sounds like you are), but you need to realize that by failing to attend the local University Ward you're part of the problem, not part of the solution.

No matter where you might happen to go, you always run the "risk" of landing in a new ward where the current members are a bit stand-offish (or at least interpreted to be) towards new move-ins. These "cliques" are often the result of long term associations, hesitancy in getting to know someone new because of laziness or the fear that once you get to know them they'll just move away soon, or the insecurities of the members.

It's a perceived problem Church wide.

Remember, you have to be a friend if you want to make a friend, and like so many other things, if you want to get something out of Church and your associations therein, you have to be willing to give. According to your emails, it doesn't sound like you've given the members of the local U-ward any more of a chance than they've given you; probably less.

You need to get over your fears and start taking control of the world around you.

I think you should do that by heading back to the University Ward (they're no less mature than you are, goofy, maybe, but no less mature), but whether you do or not, there are still things you can do to increase your dating moments.

Your original question was whether or not failing to heed prophetic advice when you were younger is going to hinder your dating life now, I think you and I can agree that it has. Those High School committed relationships kept you from developing the skills that help you to get to know a wide variety of people, set up dates and come out of your shell.

So, let's jump start that and get you back on track. If the Lord calls you on a mission, great! But until then I suggest you go to work getting guys to ask you out.

Flirt. Let guys know you're available to be taken out and that, as a Daughter of God, you're worth the time and effort. Talk to single guys (again, this is easier if you're actually in Church classes with a bunch of them), and if need be tell them they should get up the courage to take you out.

Don't allow guys to "hang out" at your house. Instead give them encouragement to take you out of the house.

Oh, and I've got to say: if you don't already, learn to bake. I was about to ask out a girl I had my eye on for quite a while. She made me brownies and that just about sealed the deal. Then the Future Sister Jo made me Cream Cheese Tiger Stripped Brownies and I asked her out instead. 

There's a lesson there, Little Sister.

- Bro Jo