Dealing with the Dishonest

Dear Bro Jo,

I love the advice you always give, especially since you've been able to help me with another problem before.

It isn't really a relationship question, but I'm hoping you'll be able to help me with this anyway.

I'm wondering about honesty at school. I'm always completely honest myself- I don't look off of other people's papers, or let other people copy off of mine. That second part is hardest- I don't know if it's the same everywhere, but at least at my high school, cheating that way is so much a part of the culture that people don't even think about, so it's really weird to have to refuse letting people see my homework.

Now, I just make up excuses (sorry, I already turned it in; well, I'm not sure I got them right, so you probably don't want my answers; etc.) but I still see other people cheating all the time. My friends don't even think of it as cheating, they're just "sharing" answers. It bothers me. I guess my question is, since I'm not the one doing the cheating, do I need to tell the teacher when other people are to be completely honest? I'm pretty sure that I'd be really really unpopular if I did that - obviously, that's not as important as being honest, but I don't want to be a goody-goody and tell on people for the tiniest thing.

Mostly what I do now is just try to tell my friends not to cheat and try to make it more serious for them, but they just don't think of it that way.

I know you don't usually answer questions not related to relationships and things like that, but if you had any insight at all to share with me that would be great. Thank you!

-Not a cheater


Dear Not-a,

What a great question!

Defining that line between Brother's Keeper and Snitch can be very difficult, whether it's Cheating on an exam or Cheating on a Spouse. When do you keep it to yourself? When do you tell your Teacher, Parent, or Priesthood Leader?

In any tough decision I strongly advocate talking to the Lord first. He already knows the situation, so it's not like you're tattling; besides, he's anxious to bless us, so it's a great idea to give him the opportunity (the Spirit IS called "the comforter", you know).

Then I say, unless it could be physically dangerous, talk to the person.

That takes a lot of courage, I know, but it comes with many rewards, not the least of which is Respect, both for your self and from others.

"Look, I know that you don't feel copying answers is cheating, but I do, and it really makes me feel uncomfortable when you push me to let you copy."

If you want to go a step further, you can add: "I'm happy to help you with your homework, but I can't just give you the answers; it's not fair."

You may find that standing for what's right costs you a lot of "friends". That's actually a good thing. Anyone who will turn their back on you because you stood by your principles or who will disown you if you don't do something that makes you feel uncomfortable is not a true friend.

So . . . when do you take the Third Step, telling an authority?

When is ratting someone out not violating a trust?

When you've already spoken to them and given them the opportunity to do the right thing.

"Hey, I know you stole money out of that girl's locker. If you don't return the money I'm going to have to turn you in."

Those kinds of ultimatums work best if you are willing to go the distance or provide a deadline.

"If you want, I'll go with you to the Coach while you confess. If you don't confess by Friday I'll have to go to her myself."

The "go with" thing is pretty cool, I think.

There are times you go forward without having the discussion or making the ultimatum. One is when you or the other person may be in danger. Sister Jo and I have a strict "no tattling" policy with our kids. Honestly it's annoying as a parent to have a child consistently ratting out a sibling just to get them in trouble, but it's also important to us that they trust each other and try to work things out between themselves. That said, there are certain sins that meet our "Tattle Free Exception": anything that would make a sibling un-Temple worthy, lying to a parent (about something serious, such as where they were last Friday night), or if someone's safety is threatened (as in the case of impending violence or drug use).

If your friend is going to spend some ill advised unsupervised alone time with her boyfriend and won't listen to you, you take it to the next level.

If one of your fellow priests shouldn't be blessing the sacrament and won't talk to the Bishop himself, you need to go have the conversation.

Back to your original question: in my book Cheating is pretty serious. Perhaps one thing you should consider is brining your parents in the loop, and perhaps the teacher. You can do this in an anonymous way.

"Hey, Mr. Snorkelmeyer, we've got a problem with cheating in our class; people copy off each other's homework. I'm not comfortable saying whom because, frankly, it's not my job to police the classroom, but I wanted you to know about it. I'm often pressured to share my answers and while I don't give in, the academic dishonesty is making me very uncomfortable."

And keep your own notes on stuff like this. Write down somewhere (like a journal) when and whom you talk to and about what. (Another good reason to talk to your parents; it's always nice when they're in the loop.)

If you keep it your goal to help people, and try not to embarrass anyone or be too judgmental, you'll have the greatest chance for success.

Hope that helps.

Keep up the Good Work, and thanks for reading and writing in!

- Bro Jo