Including Others

Hi Bro Jo -

I really like your blog and the good advice you give to all your readers, I don't know if you can give some advice with this, hopefully yes.

Ok so I will give you some background: When I was in grade 9 I met this guy in a youth conference who I thought was really cute. Then I didn’t see him anymore until a year later in a church conference, I never talked to him until this year when my family moved closer to his ward, (my siblings and I go to the same seminary class with him but no to the same ward).

I didn’t like him I just thought he was cute, now I like him why??

I don't really know maybe it's just a phase. Now that I know him a little bit better I realized he is really weird. Well it is like he lives in his own world and I try to speak with him and cheer him up in seminary class but he only stares at the wall looking at his own world. I know he is not like that because I seen him in church dances and he acts the same weird but a little bit more outgoing. My sister says he has mental issues but he doesn't he is just extremely shy I guess.

My question here is: what can I do to get to know him better when we don't have a lot of change to talk??? How can I gain his trust without being too pushy???

Other fact: This is his last year of seminary and this is my 3 year so I won't see him again probably because when I get out of seminary he will be in his mission and well I don’t think I have a lot of time to really get to know him and (knowing his extremely shyness) I don’t think we would ever date. Do I move on or what??
Besides I have a get together this week with members and non-members and I don't want any kind of divisions so what can I do so any of this doesn't happen??

Thanks.

- Trying to Try Hard



Dear Trying,

When it comes to being nice and helping people to feel better about themselves (and the Gospel), there's no such thing as trying too hard. You need to realize that this boy may be very comfortable with who he is, and therefore not need to open up as much as you think he should. That said, there's nothing wrong with getting to know someone better. Learning to talk to people, especially those whom are new and perhaps don't feel welcome is a skill that all of us can improve upon, especially members of the LDS Church, and Especially those of us that are adults. It's a valuable people skill, a valuable missionary skill, and crucial in the art of fellowship.

As far as him being a date, or boyfriend, or whatever, yes, I think you should move on. You shouldn't be focusing on any one boy anyway, not for a couple more years yet. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't be nice and conversational.

(By the way, lest readers get confused, there's a big difference between being nice and conversational and declaring someone of the opposite sex to be one of your best friends.).

If you can go up to him, alone or otherwise, and ask try talking to him ABOUT HIM, then you'll be taking a big step. The keys to a good conversation are:

- Be Sincere. Ask questions that you're really interested in knowing the answers to. A good choice is to start with questions about things you have in common. "What did you think of today's seminary lesson?" "How are you doing with memorizing the scripture masteries?" "Who do you think was a better missionary, Alma or Amulek?"

- Be Attentive. When he gives an answer LISTEN so you can respond intelligently to what he has said.

- Be Observant. Notice if he's made a change in his style, see what his body language is telling you, watch for signs that hint to his current state of mind or emotion. Look for things to talk to them about: a new watch, a t-shirt of a favorite band, the book he's carrying around.

- Be Reserved. Don't be too pushy or outgoing; for a shy person that type of wave can be so overwhelming they think they'll drowned in your personality.

- Be Inquisitive. Ask them questions about them. Nothing too personal to begin with, but nothing too trivial either. "What's your favorite color?" works in elementary school, "What electives are you taking?" is a better High School age choice.

As far as your get-together goes (Good Job! on that, by the way), the only way to battle cliques is to create activities where people have to rotate, like a game night where you keep mixing up who sits and plays which game. That's actually a pretty tough battle to fight. An easier choice is, I think, to make certain that you as the hostess take it upon yourself to spend time with each person at your party, to visit with each group.

Lastly, let me say that, even though I know you're motivated by the fact he's cute, I'm proud of you for sensing the need of others to be included. Keep it up!

- Bro Jo