How Does He Know He Loves Her?

Bro Jo,

I searched your blog and could not find any advice on what differences are important when selecting an eternal companion.

When it comes to marriage, I am a person who knows (thinks) exactly what I want, but understand that in the end it may not really matter. Right now I am with a girl that I do like, find attractive, and enjoy being with. However, we differ on so many issues, issues that may seem small to most, but are big to me. For example, I hate dogs, they are messy and I don't want to ever have one. She is a dog lover. We don't like to eat the same things, watch the same type of TV, or have same view on gun control. We are just beginning to form a relationship, not sure if the differences are giant red flags or me just being selfish or picky.

I assume there comes a time in a relationship where you realize that you care about the person enough you are willing to make major sacrifices. I seriously don't expect to find a person that matches my ideal companion (or even know what my ideal companion really is). Would you share your insight on what level of differences are important to note when dating, how important knowing your differences, and how to make a marriage work when it comes to major differences.

Sincerely,

Alias


Dear Alias,

Sure, I'll help the best I can. Let me ask, how close are you to marrying age?

- Bro Jo


Dear Bro Jo,

Thanks for your response. I am 23 and a return missionary, ready and able to start a family.

Thanks.

- Alias


OK. That helps.


Dear Alias,

What an insightful, poignant, and challenging question!

I did write a column on the "5 A's of Why NOT to Marry", which you can read HERE.

And I think that's a good place to start, but I think ultimately what you're asking me is "How do you know you're in love?"

Once you've eliminated the "5A" stuff, those things that can bring even the strongest person to relationship disaster, that really is the only question left, right?

Like you said: at some point you realize that the small stuff you might otherwise call "deal breakers" don't really matter. Lust is the motivation when the person we're interested in is so . . . sexually exciting . . . that we're willing to overlook anything for a shot to act upon our desires and passions. Love is when we're willing to set those things aside because we care about the well being of the other person more than our own. Lust is selfish; Love is selfless.

At some point many men and women realize that they're are lots of types of people that they think they could get along well enough with to live together. I think this is why it's so much easier for old people to get remarried than young people; at that point it's no longer about "hotness", it's about companionship.

Let me tell you a a story.

I went to High School and College in an area where everything and everyone seemed a significant drive away. It's the culture. I drove thirty minutes to work, forty-five minutes to college and, occasionally an hour to pick up a date. That was normal where I lived. And yet, after a few fiery crashes, I swore I'd never date another girl that lived more than fifty minutes away. The inevitable pain just wasn't worth the sacrifice in time and gas money; there were plenty of girls who lived much closer that were willing and able to reject me . . . why go to all that extra trouble?

But I fell in love.

With a girl who lived a two-hour drive away.

And I didn't care.

Before we got married I made it Very Clear that I didn't like pets, I never wanted pets, I'm too busy for pets in my life, and I'm allergic to cat and dog dander.

Two months into our marriage Sister Jo brought home a kitten.

I was . . . livid.

To say the least.

But I got over it.

Now we have two cats, a dog (which she claims was my idea), a frog, three fish . . . and some of the kids would love to add lizards, spiders and snakes to the family zoo.

I still don't like pets.

But I have them.

I have many friends who don't spend much time hanging out with their wives. They like different activities, different movies, different friends. For most of them it doesn't matter; their marriages are solid. For some you can just tell that it's not going to work out.

I'd rather hang out with Sister Jo than anyone. We love the same movies and TV shows. We can talk for hours day after day. Sister Jo is stunning, and I like kissing her, but I'd rather skip a month of kissing than a weekend of talking. (Which is, of course, not to say that I would ever by choice skip kissing her.)

But that's us.

What works for us doesn't have to be what works for you.

Or anyone else.

See, Alias, you need to find out what works for you, and the best way to do that is to date.

A lot.

And be realistic.

Ask yourself, and the girls you date, the Hard Questions.

Questions about:

- Kids (how many, how soon)
- Where to live
- Thing that you feel are important
- Politics
- Traditions

Talk about Hope and Dreams and Goals and Fears (and realize that all of that stuff changes as life gets lived.)

If you're adamant that you never want a dog, and you're not so in love with this woman that you're willing to put that aside forever, Dog-lover Girl is not the woman for you. Tell her she's great, wish her well (don't burn any bridges), and move on.

Frankly, I fail to understand what you're basing this relationship you're starting on.

I mean: why would you get More Involved with someone you have so little in common with?

Is she what my boys like to call "loose-your-breath-pretty"? Does she have a ton of money? Does she smell so good you can't think straight?

Are you worried that you're going to end up alone?

Because none of those are enough of a reason to commit to someone.

Even at 23, even as an RM, you shouldn't be committing to anyone unless you're thinking "Wow! This girl is great! I'd rather be with her all the time than not; there's so much potential here that I can't imagine not seeing if this is going to work out".

THAT'S what an ideal companion is (no such thing as "the ideal companion").

If you're not finding that, if you're not feeling that, you need to be dating WAY more than you are.

50 dates a year, RM, that's the Bro Jo recommended minimum.

You're never going to find someone you have Everything in common with; I'm sure it's no surprise, but Sister Jo and I disagree . . . A LOT! (And we don't always get along, either.) But you should be able to find someone who's happiness you'll put before your own, and who will do the same for you.

Too Picky is when you are being too superficial, holding others to a higher standard than you hold yourself, or when you don't date enough because your fantasies aren't breaking down your door begging you to marry them.

The time in the relationship you're asking about, when you're willing to make major sacrifices, doesn't happen In The Relationship, the Relationship happens because you've reached that time.

As for how to make the marriage work when the poop hits the fan . . . well . . . here are four principles to follow:

1) Listen.
2) Apologize.
3) Be selfless.
4) Accept change.

And the best ways to be open to all of that are:

1) Be of service.
2) Stay worthy.
3) Attend the Temple together.
4) Continue dating each other after marriage.
5) Pray together.

Because you've got to feel the Spirit.

All the time.

Never make her feel like anything less than a Royal Daughter of God. Always express your love, appreciation, and gratitude.

Because, let's face it Brother, any girl that's willing to marry you or I (or any of us) makes us very lucky men indeed.

- Bro Jo