Two Coffees, Please

Dear Bro Jo,

I don't like to tell tales. I never have. but on this one I don't know, it just seems important.
There is an oldish woman in my ward at church, she's really close friends with my bishop and his family and she works in the temple most days...

Recently I started work as a at a small "coffee" shop in town, its a small place that sells sandwiches, ice cream, cakes, tea, coffee and hot chocolate among other things... Its a really good job, the wages are great and my workmates are alot of fun. last week during one of my afternoon shifts I was asked to serve two coffees to table 3 - its a coffee shop totally normal. when i got to table 3 I was sure they'd messed up the order somehow... Two coffees -- two old ladies - one member of the church!

Sunday I was talking to the sister who was at table 3, we ended up talking about my job and she asked what days I was working this week... I thought nothing of it - just general talking right?

Well yesterday I had switched shift with one of my friends because she had a doctors appointment -- again I was asked to serve two coffees to table 3, again it was two old ladies and one being the same sister from church. so i went back to double check the order. it was defiantly written down as two coffees. So I asked another waitress to serve that table ---

I wasn't sure but we don't normally get orders messed up. so (name withheld) took the two coffees to the table was thanked and i watched both women drink their coffee! To say I was shocked is an understatement. I was then asked to serve table 4 -- right next to table 3, when the sister saw me she looked horrified! like a little kid who had just been caught steeling from the cookie jar. I carried on with my job and pretended to be none the wiser... maybe it was a mix up? I doubt it but maybe?

Until I was asked to serve table 3 two more coffees -- not decaff I asked. I served the coffees this time. again guilty child with the cookie jar, but the sister did not try to correct the order.

I have asked my mums advice - she says I am not the first to witness this sister drinking coffee since she became a temple worker, nor am I the first to talk to the bishop about it. I don't want to accuse my Bishop of anything, he is a good man. but how messed up does that seem! The bishop knows this sister has a world of wisdom problem and still she is a temple worker? - I always thought that to be a temple worker you had to keep the word of wisdom? have i got this wrong somewhere?

Should I try talking to my bishop about what I saw? or maybe it would be better to talk to my stake president? Or is it not my place to say anything? I really don't know what to do for the best. I have talked to my boss... he says that the two women have been in everyday for the past year and they always order two coffees, so I know this isnt a one time thing. I don't think I can brush it under the carpet and pretend i dont know anything. I am not that type of person.

- Concerned Waitress



Dear Friend,

It's always a tough situation . . . how and when do you draw the line between "none of my business" and "I am my brother's keeper"?

You ARE right: to be a Temple Worker you must be able to enter the Temple. That requires that you hold a valid Temple Recommend, and to hold a Temple Recommend you must meet with a member of your Bishopric (Branch or Mission Presidency if you're either in a Branch or on a Mission) and a member of the Stake Presidency for a regular Temple Recommend Interview. In that interview one of the questions you're asked is if you live the Word of Wisdom.

As neither you nor I are in her Bishopric or Stake Presidency, it's not our job to judge her worthiness to hold a Temple Recommend. So, in that way, it's none of our business.

BUT . . .

It becomes our business if we either a) care about her spiritually, and/or b) she's doing something that can bring harm to herself or others, and that includes the reputation of the Church.

I think you and I can agree that what she's doing meets that criteria.

The question then becomes "what do I do now", or "how can I best be my brother's keeper"?

And that's where most of us error.

Whenever possible, and not dangerous, our first step should be to talk to the individual. As difficult as it may be, as awkward as you may feel, your first step is to have a private conversation. You can bring / include a parent or trusted friend for support and encouragement, especially if you're still a youth or younger. But the conversation should be between the two of you.

In your case, it should go something like:

"Hi, Sister ___________, can I please speak to you for a moment? I know you've seen me at the coffee shop. It looks to me like you're doing something there that makes me very uncomfortable, especially for someone whom I understand is working in the Temple. I feel the need to talk to Bishop _________ about how I feel, and I'm going to do so this Sunday, but I thought it best to talk to you first, and see if you'd like to talk to the Bishop before I do."

Say it with love and respect and concern and humility.

And be prepared to be unpopular.

That's OK.

Few people like to be confronted with what we're doing wrong or what we should be doing better. It's typical for us to get defensive or angry or try to justify our behavior. An older person hearing that from a younger person can act even more offended because older people don't feel that younger people have the right to correct them. How dare they! They're younger!

But being older doesn't make you perfect or always right. (My kids can testify to that, me being their father and all.)

If you'll allow a side tangent: I think one of the most dangerous traps we fall into is that of Justifying Ourselves as the Exception. We hear what the prophet says, and we can think of how the truth applies to others, but can fall in the trap of thinking that we're the exception to the rule. Looking for excuses can get us into lots of trouble.

So . . . the first step is to go talk to her. Do it as soon as possible; the longer you carry this burden the harder it will be to unload.

The second step is to follow through. Make the appointment with your Bishop and if she doesn't go talk to him, you need to. Don't focus on his flaws or inaction, don't cast stones at her as a sinner, but rather tell him how what you know makes you feel; ask him to help you know what path you should follow in this situation.

Do you see the difference in that approach?

And remember, we don't know everything about this situation, or what the Sister or the Bishop have discussed, or what anyone may or may not be doing.  We all need to repent, and how we go about it should be between us, the Lord, and when appropriate our family and priesthood authority.

Be Humble. Be Patient.

And whatever happens, remember that the Gospel is Perfect even if those of us trying to live it are not.

- Bro Jo