Dear Bro Jo,
I am a Laurel. I have a male friend (my age) whom I have known casually since we were pre-teens. He lives an hour or so away, but over the summer we've become close friends. We are both serious musicians with the same teacher, so I see him at recitals, competitions, clinics, etc a few times a year; we also chat online. [Note: I see you raising your eyebrows at "close friends." :) I'll explain - we do have mutual feelings and mutual understanding of those feelings, but because we see each other so infrequently, we both know that being "more than friends" just wouldn't work out.] His name here will be James.
James is a member of the church, and as I actually got to know him this year, I was very impressed by his faithfulness and dedication to his priesthood. It's hard to come by truly righteous young men around here. I have 4 brothers, but only one and my father are honorable priesthood holders - all my other siblings left the church (to put it lightly) during a family conflict when I was a little girl. That said, the priesthood is *extremely* important to me - to the bottom of my heart, it is the #1 thing I look for in a guy. One Sunday, after thinking about this for a while, I felt prompted to tell the priesthood holders in my life how grateful I was for their effort and example. I included James.
After I did this, he confessed to me that he hadn't always been that way. He told me that he used to struggle with a pornography addiction. He didn't tell me how long or how deep the addiction was; all I know is that he was finally able to kick the habit something like 2 months ago. He didn't talk to his bishop, but his mother helped him. He said that now he rarely feels the temptation to look again, and his testimony of the Atonement has grown strong.
Pornography (and the ideas it promotes about women and sex) has always been a very sensitive topic for me. They always tell us in YW that it's very important for us to support the YM in their priesthood, and I'm eager to do what I can. And I can't imagine Satan has totally given up on that foothold in poor James. So, this is my question. It's only been 2 months - do you think he still needs help getting fully over the addiction? And is there anything I can do, as a young woman, friend, even a romantic interest, to help him keep clean thoughts/intentions/whatever?
I overthink things a little bit, but I'd imagine you of all people would understand that. :)
Thank you so much,
A Concerned Daughter of God :)
PS: He just told me today that he does still struggle with sexual thoughts sometimes. So now I do really need your advice!
Dear Concerned,
I think you've discovered exactly what I was going to suggest: that he does still have a problem.
You know . . . my initial response question to you is the same: why do you think he's . . . "confessing" to you?
It seems odd, doesn't it?
At first blush one might think that he said something as a way to share his testimony with you.
Tangent Break: I have a real problem with people, especially adults, who have the misguided notion that confession of past sin is a way to either a) commune with the listener, or b) give their testimony more power. I've struggled to understand why people share intimate details of their lives, often with others that they barely know, particularly things that are so private, so personal that their bishop would never share them . . . things that should be between the person and God.
I've come to the conclusion that they either haven't truly accepted the Lord's forgiveness, and so are seeking some sort of absolution or understanding from the person they're talking to, they want to seem "dangerous" or "cool" or "hip" to others, or both. If neither were true, they'd keep the facts to themselves; rather than tell what they did wrong, a person could simply bear their testimony of repentance and Christ, right? Which has more power? Think about it: one focuses on the sinner, placing images of their past transgressions in our heads, the other focuses on the Savior . . .
This is why parents, leaders, and teachers should never divulge the specifics of what they've done wrong . . . at least not with the big stuff.
Concerned, I think this guy is telling you these things because he wants some reassurance from you that, even though he messed up, you still care about him as a person and, whether he consciously knows it or not, he also needs to be encouraged to go see his bishop. Addiction is not something that just "goes away"; addicts must be ever vigilant against that which tempts them. The Lord will give them peace and comfort, but his succor is best if we seek him fully.
Remind your friend that each of us is subject to temptation, but what separates us as disciples of Christ is knowing to turn to Him and His Gospel when those moments come. And suggest to him that if he's still struggling that he talk to the bishop.
All guys think about girls, even if we don't have pornography addictions. Just yesterday I was checking out Sister Jo at Church, thinking "that is one sexy woman!" We guys are kind of wired that way. I know that makes many of you sisters uncomfortable, and on behalf on men and boys everywhere I apologize. I also hope you have a better understanding of why you should dress modestly . . .
One last thing: often the reason a guy tells a girl about the lustful things in his life is that, in his own very bad way, he's trying to communicate to her that he finds her attractive . . . physically. I'm not saying that's the case here, but it probably is. So don't put yourself in a situation with this young man where either of you might end up doing things that require confession, okay?
That's what you can do to help him:
1) Testify of Christ
2) Encourage him to talk to his Bishop
3) Dress modestly
4) Be pure
- Bro Jo
Dear Bro Jo,
Thank you so much! This helps me a ton. I will definitely follow your advice! I don't know how he will feel about talking to his bishop but I will at least plant the seed. :)
P.S. You said: "I know that makes many of you sisters uncomfortable, and on behalf on men and boys everywhere I apologize." Erm... "uncomfortable" is putting it lightly. I'd sooner use say something more like "deeply uneasy" or "disturbed." Hahaha. But I'll be sure to keep myself covered. o.O
About your tangent, are you saying that past serious sins should not be divulged ever, even to finances or spouses? I just think those are important things to be aware of when your life is so intimately tied to theirs. Or are they not?
ReplyDeleteGood point. No, I think fiancés and spouses are the exception. In fact, I think it's part of the pre-marriage courting obligation.
ReplyDeleteI don't think a person need go into all of the gory details, but a potential spouse has the right to know what they're getting.
And you need to ask questions like:
- what's the worst thing you've done?
- have you ever had sex?
- have you ever looked at pornography? if so, when was the last time?
- have you ever done anything that made you unworthy to enter the temple? and if so, what have you done about it?
Tell you what . . . I've been working on a "questions everyone should ask a potential spouse" list . . . I'll try to get it on the Facebook page this week.
- Bro Jo
pornography is a tough thing and a very personal.
ReplyDeleteBesides God, my parents, and my bishop, I haven't told anyone. It's in the past now, but I will fully admit to it being a struggle, and I suspect it always will be. But as with any temptation we are subject to, we can choose to not indulge.
I will also second the modesty issue. It help those of us guy that are struggling with this to keep our thoughts clean.
Personal experience says that nothing helps better than an understanding fiancee, spouse, parent, or bishop. There has to be open communication, "Honey, I'm having a hard time right now." "Ok, let's talk about it." That kind of thing.
ReplyDeleteThat said, most people don't understand what an addiction really IS. It's a coping mechanism, something we use to release stress and pent up feelings. One of the reasons its so hard to deal with is because eventually the addiction becomes compulsive and we feel like there's nothing else that will calm us down.
That's a lie. Talking to a trusted person can help relieve stress. Don't talk about the addiction itself, (that's like saying don't think about the pink elephant, then all you can think about IS the pink elephant!) Talk about what's making the stress and healthy things you can do about it. Then do something healing like a healthy stress reliever or an activity. That helps best.
For many cases, counseling is advised, even if you feel like you've "conquered" the addiction, it's best to make sure you have the tools you need should a very strong "need" arise. Those with addictions know what I'm talking about. Church counselors are really the best when it comes to these kinds of things.
From someone who's a survivor of addiction.
PS: Though she is his friend, she should definitely NOT be the one he talks to for stress relief. Even the best of friends are fickle, but a mothers love is forever.
Readers,
ReplyDeleteI received this:
"Are you kidding me? You excuse your behavior and thoughts by saying you're made that way, but you hold women responsible by the way they dress?
Twisted logic. That's like saying a woman deserves to be raped because of her clothing" - Annon
No joke, and you've totally missed what's being said.
1) Modesty can help men focus on spiritual things instead of the physical
2) No one is dismissing behavior, we're discussing how people with addiction function and how most men are wired; we're not saying it's right, or that no one has personal responsibility; we're addressing reality.
Both people are responsible; the person who sins and the person who encourages sin. Neither is guiltless.
For the record, rape is an act of violence, not sex, and should never be tolerated by anyone, in any situation, on any level.
How we dress and behave, like it or not, does invoke feeling and response. Modesty or the lack thereof is something we're all judged on. Right or wrong, it's a fact of life.
But even the trashiest dressed woman, who has no respect for herself, does not deserve to be assaulted. Ever.
She has no right to be upset that others think she's slutty based solely on her appearance, but no one deserves to be harmed.
- Bro Jo