Life's Way of Things Working Out

[Readers: A holiday season or two ago I exchanges a series of emails with a YSA sister that, well . . . you can read it in the letters below. Her situation isn't too unusual, but it does point out how life has a way of working out. Enjoy! - Bro Jo]




Dear Bro Jo,

I've always enjoyed reading your responses to the dilemmas of others and I, myself, have found a lot of needed knowledge from them. Luckily my problem is (comparatively) simple.

I live near (location withheld) and there's this guy in another stake that I've got quite a crush on. I don't see him too often though. He asked me out on a (short, last minute) date after I asked him to Preference. The date and Preference were fun, I talked too much during both but I think that they went well.

The problem is that I like him quite a lot, but I doubt that he feels the same way. The real problem is that he's a nice guy and that's happened to me before (I'll go out on a few dates with a really nice guy who ,in reality, couldn't care less about me romantically). I don't know how to either get him out of my mind or get him to ask me out. I know that I shouldn't call him or ask him out (unless otherwise indicated, you've taught me well) and the only positive signals of interest are faint and unreliable. I've read your "How to..." but I don't want to humiliate myself (I think that he'll see right through my ruse, that I'm wanting him to ask me out).

(PS. Signals include: asking me out once, hugging me after a slow dance, and putting his arm around me in jest during a mushy part of a non-slow song. And I'm a YSA)

I appreciate your help. (Though now I'm afraid that the details of my question will narrow down the author of this query much too much)

Superbly Shy and Habitually Guarded



Dear Guarded,

Thank you for the kind words; I'll edit the specifics out of your letter to help you stay anonymous.

You need to realize that the only deference between "Superbly Shy" and "40 and Never Married" often is just . . . time.

Time and refusing to take risks.

Romance is scary, but finding a Good Spouse is worth the Risk, the Heartache, and the Humiliation.

Maybe this guy is a Right Guy for you, and maybe he's not, but you'll never know if you don't take the risk. Given this age we live in, where many YSA Men lack the drive and social skills that separate the bulls from the steers (thought you might appreciate the cattle reference), it becomes incumbent upon YSA women to be a little more direct.

If your stakes are far apart, it may not be that he doesn't like you, but that your location makes you impractical, so you both need to know if there's something there or if you're wasting your time and need to move on.

That means that you're going to have to be direct.

The thing about the "How A Girl Can Get a Guy to Ask Her On a Date" list is that the ideas there allow you to use humor to soften the scariness but to still be direct. The problem is that they only work if you violate the "not a good idea to call him" policy, or if you're in person, and given the two-different-stakes you mentioned, that's going to be a problem . . .

Well, you can't sit around forever hoping he asks you out, so here are some things you can do:

1) Write him. Not an email, not a text, an actual letter, or perhaps a Christmas Card (not too early to send those out) with a nice handwritten note . Either choice you need to be bold enough to write "I really enjoyed going out with you, and would love it if you'd ask me out again".

2) Go a step above the "letter" idea and send him FOOD, preferably a treat, that you make. If you're not a whiz in the kitchen make something simple and have your friends sample it to make sure it's great.

3) Send him a small very inexpensive gift. Burn a CD, a used book you think he might like, something handmade (like an ornament for the tree or something he can decorate his home or apartment with).

A squirt of perfume is a nice touch to the letter or card, lousy idea with the food. I have love letters from Sister Jo that STILL smell good! (And, for the record, she sent me food, too.)

This stuff worked for women for years - how do you think Grandma got Grandpa? - and it still works. If he responds positively, then great for You! If he doesn't, then at least you'll know.

Don't hesitate!

- Bro Jo



Dear Bro Jo,

Hello again,

I should probably mention that I do see him at least once a week for institute class and institute choir (plus the monthly firesides and dances). You're right in that I need to be more direct, though I think that mailing him stuff would be more nerve-wracking than calling him.

And I know exactly what you mean with "40 and Never Married", my YSA ward is in (location withheld) and it seems to be mostly 27+ (though I'm OK with dating older guys, it can be a little bit more difficult), coupled with the fact that most weeks there is a visible ratio of either 2:1 girls to guys or 3:1 girls to guys.

Thanks for the prompt reply,

Guarded


Dear Guarded,

You're welcome and Good Luck.

It's OK to put on a little pressure. As frequently as you see him, in person is totally fine, so long as your shyness doesn't keep you doing nothing. Don't call, talk to him after institute choir this next time you see him. If he isn't a marriage possibility wouldn't you rather find out now than in 6 months?

And don't write off the sending him stuff, especially food.

If I haven't ever mentioned it: I was coming out of a bad relationship, well . . . actually a good relationship with a bad ending . . . OK, maybe it was that she was a decent girl and I was too dumb to notice . . . but the point is that I wasn't dating anyone, and I wasn't in the mood to start anytime soon, when a girl I'd previously had a crush on brought me some brownies. Boy, did that change my attitude! I resolved to ask her out the next time I saw her!

Interestingly, I think, between the time she made me brownies and the next time I saw her I received a Care Package in the mail: Cream-cheese Brownies - the best I'd ever had!

I decided to date the second girl, the girl with the better treat, first.

Now we call that second girl Sister Jo.

I'm just saying . . .

Keep me posted, I'm dying to know what you decide to do!


- Bro Jo


Hello Bro Jo,

Since your last message a few things have happened.

On Saturday around noon the guy I've been talking to you about called me and asked me out for that evening, we saw a couple indie bands perform. (PS. It was icy and we had to walk about two blocks to get there and I was in heels so he offered me his arm). Throughout the evening I found any excuse to touch him (casual touches; guys, I've heard, react more to breaking the touch barrier than to flirting through speech). When he walked me to my door there was a brief awkward pause so I went in for a hug to get rid of it.

After that I expected to get a call from him (Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday) but I didn't.
On Wednesday for institute I saved an aisle seat for him, hoping that he'd come sit there when he came. He did sit beside me but there also weren't very many alternate seating choices. We had some good conversation, but he didn't come to choir afterward.

I keep wanting him to call me and I'm wondering now if you can read anything from his actions. I find myself trying to read what I want to read from people’s actions (or expecting the absolute worst).

I'm also pretty sure now that, even though I don't expect him to get me anything for Christmas (and that's potentially awkward), that I'll burn him a mix cd (I thought that a I'd theme it and make it as if it was a dance mix; complete with fast and slow songs) and bake him something (maybe even homemade Christmas chocolates).

So (other than the final paragraph) can you decipher anything from this?

Thanks,

Habitually guarded.



Dear Guarded,

Well . . . Christmas has come and gone . . . did you burn the CD?

- Bro Jo



Dear Bro Jo,

Things have changed a lot since my last email.

First things first, I wasn't getting any interest from (name withheld).

One evening I was expecting him to attend the Christmas around the world IRC activity but he didn't come. I was wandering around the building (I was on time, if you know what I mean) and a girl friend of mine came in so I hung out with her. While I was walking around with her a guy friend of hers arrived. It definitely was not love at first sight, but I was instantly intrigued, so all three of us hung out during the activity. Then we all rented a movie and went to my girl friend's house to watch it. In the following weeks the new guy I met, (name withheld) invited me to a a video party, asked me out on a date, invited me to model for he and his friends (he and they are into photography and there were a bunch of other models too), and subsequently asked me out again.

I like him quite a bit, I hope that he likes me.

I guess my question is void now. Sorry for wasting your question answering time with plain old conversation (but it was still enlightening).

Thanks,

Shy


Dear Shy,

Wow! That's great! (I see that you're no longer "Guarded")

I hope this new boy is smart enough to keep taking you out. Be careful not to get caught into the "hang out" trap.

Very happy for you,

- Bro Jo

PS - You didn't waste my time at all.