Hey Bro Jo,
I have a problem with a non-member guy. We've been in the same group of friends for 4 years and have always been pretty close (I can just hear the 'no opposite-sex friends' comments now...) but more recently, within the past year or so, we've been teetering on the edge of a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. I moved away to university recently and he would call me lots, we'd skype each other, even if I just sat there crying because I was having such a terrible time. I was incredibly dependent on him those first couple of weeks, talking to him multiple times a day. He was my social life. Now, however, I'm into the YSA scene in my branch (all girls) and spend a lot of time with them. My guy friend is feeling the loss of company, and is wishing that I'd call him more. I've tried setting down the rules, saying that it's unhealthy to talk so often, that we should be hanging out with people around us more. I feel like calling only a couple of times a week (if that) is much healthier now that we've settled in. He doesn't like this, and openly tells me so.
Before now I didn't see the problem with dating a non-member guy. No guys within the Church would ask me on dates, so if the guy was nice and had good morals, why not? This guy, however, openly argues with me about my beliefs. He acknowledges that it's good for ME, but that he thinks it's stupid and not for HIM. He's told me that God can't exist, that he hates the Prophets because someone must've started all these 'lies', that if we were to have kids he wouldn't want them going to Church because he'd want them to have a choice. These conversations, though few and far between, really hurt my feelings, but I felt bad for getting upset in front of him because he's entitled to his own opinion as much as I am. Now, when he's telling me that he wants to be my boyfriend and that he loves me (he actually used the word!) and I've been unsure, he's getting annoyed, telling me that I'm being insensitive to his feelings and that I shouldn't lead him on. I sent him a letter a couple of weeks ago after I went to the Temple and had had strong feelings about dating within the Church, telling him that I plan to only date members, because I plan to marry the type of guy I date. He told me that he understands the 'marrying who you date', but that I should ask my 'priest or pastor or whatever' about whether marrying non-members is 'allowed' or if it 'works'. I've not asked, because I already know the answer.
My problem is, now that I'm really trying hard to live in a righteous way, and have started doing the right things and living the right standards, I no longer feel attracted to this guy in the same way. I value his friendship a lot, but I now know that I would never date him. He's against my religion and my beliefs and I don't think he realizes just how much it means to me. So I guess what I'm asking advise about is not whether to date him, but how to stop his advances in this way? I've been pretty much totally open with him and he still doesn't get it. I want him to stay as a friend because it would be awful to ignore him altogether, but he just keeps bringing the subject up!
I've made him sound like a bit of a jerk, but he is my best friend, we understand each other (for the most part) and I really, really value his friendship.
- In a pickle
Dear Pickled,
I think this guy is a cancer in your life. What kind of friend consistently belittles another friend's beliefs and faith? What kind of potential boyfriend mocks you, demands that you put his feelings first, and expects you to do the calling?
You said you didn't mean to make him sound like a jerk, and you didn't, but he is.
First of all, friend or not, you need to stop initiating the contact. If he wants to talk, let him do the calling. People call me "outdated" about this all the time, I don't care. When a girl calls a guy, especially consistently and, in your case, on demand, she gives him too much power over her. It's true now, was true 20, 50, and 100 years ago, and it will be true in the future.
Another thing you need to realize is that this guy may "want" you (um . . . to be his girlfriend . . .), but he doesn't respect you. He thinks your faith is dumb and that you're dumb for living your life that way. No man will ever love a woman he doesn't respect. As a friend or otherwise.
Now, I will say that I think something more may be going on here with him. He may truly think you're dumb and is trying to convert you to his way of thinking, perhaps as some kind of power play; he may also be, although inappropriately, begging for you to testify to him of the truth, perhaps because deep down he knows you're right and he knows that he needs to repent and get his act together. However, even if the latter is the case, it IS NOT a good idea to date someone in hopes of spiritually saving them. People need to be converted from within, not because they have a romantic interest in someone.
This is going to be painful, and it will likely get ugly. Better to deal with it now than to drag it out.
(By the way, I don't agree with this guy that you've been stringing him along. That is, however, further proof that "Guys Can't Stay Just Close Friends with Girls"; you think you're just being nice, he thinks you're acting like you have strong romantic feelings for him.)
Stop calling. Stop writing. If he calls or writes, respond, but he has to make the initial effort Every Single Time. When he's belligerent or insulting cut him off. Hang up. You must demand that he place you on a pedestal of respect. I believe that when you stop letting him badger and manipulate you he'll go away (that's what bullies do). He'll either do that or change (but be cognizant that real change takes time; it doesn't happen in a phone call, weekend or month).
If he asks you out, tell him no. If he acts hurt or bewildered, be kind but aloof. If he asks you why, tell him that you feel strongly about being Sealed for Time and All Eternity in the Temple to a worthy priesthood holder who loves you, who respects you, and who will treat you like a princess and a daughter of God, (which you and every woman is entitled to, by the way). Tell him that you're no longer a child and you're at a point in your life right now where it makes no sense to spend any romantic energy on someone who can't give you what you want.
Don't tone it down. Don't make excuses. Don't try to spare his feelings or give him false hope.
Be clear. Be strong. Be faithful and determined.
With guys "no" has to be very clear and said specifically. Anything else can be heard as "try harder" or "maybe later". Yes, we're just that obstinate (or dumb, if you prefer).
You deserve eternal happiness, and catering to a little boy's ego and demands is not the way to get there.
- Bro Jo
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