What is Love?

Dear Bro Jo,

I've recently been on about three or four dates with this RM named Mike. I enjoy talking to Mike and spending time with him. He has a unique and quirky personality. I feel comfortable with him. In fact, so comfortable, that we cuddled on the first date, held hands on the second, and he tried to kiss me on the third.

My roommates think this is all very fast.

Is it?

I'm not really sure if I want to be exclusive with him, which is why I didn't want to be kissed. I can't picture myself being 100% happy that he's my boyfriend. At this point I can't see myself marrying him. I can't see him really getting along with my family.
Is it too premature to be thinking so far ahead?

I told Mike that I did like him and enjoyed spending time with him, but that I wasn't ready to be exclusive yet. I want to get to know him more.

I'm not super excited whenever I see him. No butterflies, no racing heat, natta. I'm not anxious when he's away, nor do I wonder how his day has been.
It seems as if I don't care. I feel heartless and confused. He's an amazing guy. Why don't I feel anything?

I feel overwhelmed with guilt and stress in trying to figure this all out. Yes, I love the physical and the cuddling. I'm starting to wonder if maybe that's all I like.
What do I do now that I've strung this guy along? Is there any hope that my feelings will change? Should we stop all the physical stuff?

All of this worrying is starting to negatively affect my schoolwork. I need to get this sorted out.

--Near NCMO



Dear Near,

Have you ever heard the adage "men fall in love with women they're attracted to, and women become attracted to the men they love"?

I think it's true on many levels. I think you've written before about spending time with men and being a little physical with them even though you don't find them attractive or exciting . . . (if it wasn't you, it sure could have been.)

As I see it, there are two issues here:

1) You expect that the man you end up with is going to . . . trying to be polite here: rev your engine all the time. That's going to be a serious problem. Even if you fall in love with (note that I said "with') a guy who gets the "heat racing", that won't necessarily last. We all get older, we all get fatter, we all get balder. Just like it does with girls, the physical stuff fades for guys, too. Too many people, ESPECIALLY LDS YSAs have this misguided notion that one day someone who's so chiseled, so beautiful, is going to fling open their apartment door, lit by the rays of heaven, and announce "I am here to woo you, oh object of my every desire!"

Get real! Love doesn't work that way. LIFE doesn't work that way.

You like this guy, you like spending time with him, and you want to get to know him better, so do! Maybe you'll gain passionate feelings, maybe you won't, but while I agree that passion is wonderful, and I do think every marriage needs at least a little, Eternal Companionship does not require desire. Ultimately sex is an expression of love, not lust, regardless of what Hollywood thinks.

2) The second problem is a little deeper, and frankly scares me a little. If we only had the first issue I'd say "aw, heck, kiss the guy, and if you like it, kiss him again!", but you're doing something that throws flags for me: it sounds like (again) you like the physical stuff, and want to cuddle and hold his hand and blah blah blah, but you really don't even like this guy. All of the "he's a this" and "he's a that" sounds like excuses to make out, even though you haven't. "He's a great guy Bro Jo, and I love being touched, and even though I don't like him he IS nice, so I let him touch me." (Maybe that's what your roommates are talking about; although in general I don't think you're moving too fast for a college age woman; perhaps it's just too fast . . . for you.)

I don't know, something's going on here with you. If he's such a great guy, and you like being cuddled by him, how can it possibly be that you don't feel anything?!? It's like, I don't know, you're getting in the way of you being happy . . . and that has GOT to get resolved or yours will be a very lonely life.

I wonder, do you think maybe you're expecting more out of a relationship than is real? Is it possible that you're afraid to be happy? Are you too self involved?

Love isn't about you being excited, it's about wanting to excite the person you love.

You know, the Spirit doesn't feel like a "burning" for everyone; some people never, and some people only a few times in a lifetime.  Love can be like that, too.

If you're honestly not attracted to him, do him a favor and cut him loose. But before you do, you might want to take a good look in the mirror and ask if your expectations of what love and attraction feel like are unrealistic. You kind of sound like "Ann of Avonlea" (might want to go watch that this weekend).

- Bro Jo