Forgiveness is the Lord's

Dear Bro Jo,

I recently turned eighteen and am a senior in high school.

This past June my stake’s youth conference was the pioneer trek. The days leading up to it I prayed that I would be able to make a new good friend. During the course of the first day I became really good friends with this one guy (we’ll call him "Steve") in my trek group. Steve is nearly eighteen and also a senior. I had known Steve before, we had seen each other at all the stake dances and activities for the past few years, but we had never really talked besides the few times we had danced together. I honestly never thought that he and I would become such great friends. I felt that this really had been an answer to my prayer, I wanted a good friend and Heavenly Father had blessed me with one.

After trek we stayed in contact and went on a few double dates, and our friendship increased. I know you must hear this a lot, but this guy is honest to gosh the greatest guy I have ever met. We get along so well. Our personalities are very complementary and we have many of the same likes and desires. In the past, I have liked a couple of worthy guys, they’ve liked me back and we’ve gone on dates. But I never felt the way about any of those guys as I do about Steve.

Everything about Steve is what I’ve always wanted in a guy. He’s a worthy priesthood holder, athletic, selfless, funny, sweet, sensitive, caring, spiritual, and easy to talk to. I could definitely see myself marrying him.

The most we see each other is twice a month since he lives kind of far away. When we do see each other it is either at stake dances/activities or a few times he’s come over to my house to hang out while my parents were there. We’ve held hands a few times and on one occasion there was a kiss.

Here’s my problem: Steve’s ideas of dating are different than mine. He’s had two girlfriends before, started dating when he was fifteen, and has had lots of kisses. Me on the other hand, I didn’t date until I was almost seventeen, they’ve all been double or group dates, I’ve only been kissed once (and it was by him) and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I don’t want a boyfriend just yet and my parents wouldn’t allow me to anyways. They also won’t allow me to go on single dates, which I think is a good thing.

So yesterday Steve and I were texting (it’s now been 6 weeks since we’ve seen each other) and I expressed my concern with him that our ways of dating are different. He agreed and said that he regretted dating before he was sixteen, saying that now he knows why that guideline is there. He proceeded to say that he knows that if you start dating before sixteen there’s a much greater chance of breaking the law of chastity.

This startled me when he said it and I asked if anything had ever happened. Then he was embarrassed to tell me that he had had oral sex with his first girlfriend.

This crushed me. He told me that with the help of his Bishop he repented of it fully and it’s something he regrets every day and wishes he could take back and is sincerely sorry for doing. I took some time and I prayed and read my scriptures and Patriarchal blessing. I prayed that I would be able to forgive him. It was hard, but I told him that it wouldn’t affect our relationship and that I forgave him. I went on the rest of the night trying not to think about it, trying to forget it. He and I agreed to not talk of it again.

But I woke up this morning and remembered. The thought of it was with me all day, and right now thinking about it makes me sick. In seminary we talked about D&C 58:42-43 and it made me feel like I needed to just let it go, because he had repented of and forsaken his sin. If the Lord was willing to forgive him, I needed to be.

But to be honest, as much as I want to forgive him, I feel like I can’t fully. Part of it is jealousy, I admit it. It’s hard because I’ve saved myself and finally this guy comes along that I could imagine myself being with, and it turns out he hasn’t saved himself for me.

I feel like I’m still in shock. Every few hours I’ll remind myself of what he did, and I still can’t believe it’s true. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been praying that I will know what I should do and that I’ll be able to completely forgive him. But that doesn’t feel like enough. I usually tell my parents everything, but honestly, I’m scared to. I feel like both of my parents would not understand and that they’d look down on him, especially since my dad’s a Bishop and super protective of me.

So what do I do? I don’t want to be terrible and stop liking him because of his past that he has clearly repented of, yet at the same time I’ve always wanted someone who has saved themselves for me. Am I being selfish? I mean, he’s been worthy for 2 years now and I don’t want him to feel worse about what he did because he’s already had to suffer for it. But I also don’t want to give myself to someone who’s done something like this. I really don’t know what to do.

I need help.

-Forgiveness Challenged



Dear Challenged,

No, you're not being selfish. You have every right to insist that the man you marry has lived up to certain moral standards his entire life.

But in regards to this boy, you've got several things out of order.

First of all, you're a girl in High School who's acting like this boy proposed to you, which he didn't. It's not your job to forgive him, on any level. Other than the fact that you're disappointed, his past actions have nothing to do with you. So get off your high-horse. He clearly shouldn't have told you; his confidence in you was misplaced. He thought he could trust you with something deeply personal, and he was wrong.

It's not your place to share with anyone, especially anyone who may know him, the things he shared with you in confidence. If he was still having a problem, or was a danger to himself or others, then yes, it would be appropriate to speak to a priesthood leader, trusted advisor, or your parents.

No, he shouldn't have done what he did with that girl. But it happened and as far as we know he's made things right.

In telling you he placed an unfair burden upon you; that was very wrong of him to do.  It's not right for him to use you as some sort of guilt-recovery system.

If you were both older, if marriage was on the horizon, then yes, it would be appropriate to share these kinds of things. Partially in the spirit of full-disclosure, but also so that each potential spouse will know if they can trust that their best friend really is the person they're about to marry.

As far as you and he go, should you date him? Only Casual Group Dates (because that's appropriate for your age, and he might have an ulterior motive for telling you what he did - I'll discuss that in a minute), with both of you being sure to follow my Dating Rules for Teens.

Is it okay if you're too turned off by what you know to ever date him? Yeah, it's okay. Sad, but understandable.

Whichever you chose, I hope your testimony of the atonement is strong enough that you keep what you know to yourself.

I do hope that our readers will read this letter and realize that immoral behavior is a huge turn-off, a deal breaker if you will, for many high-standard people, and that there's nothing wrong with that.

But I also hope that everyone will realize that when we fail to "forgive" others, it's difficult for we ourselves to expect forgiveness.

Now, as for that ulterior motive.  One thing that I want you and all sisters to be aware of:  sometimes guys "confess" things to girls because they're trying to get you to do stuff you ought not do; so be careful.  That's another reason to keep all of your dates with him in groups.


- Bro Jo