Mama Cheese asks about the boy sent home

Dear Bro Jo,

Hello again! This is Cheese's mom...she is doing so well, very happy, having lots of fun with many good...um, not friends (because they're male)...lads to spend time with, and a few close girlfriends, too. She's acing all her classes, enjoying cheer & drama & all the regular high school stuff. So all is good on that front. But today I have a problem for you that the Big Cheese (Daddy) & I have been trying to wrap our brains around for the last few weeks.

Cheese had a friend who turned 19 & went into the MTC at the beginning of October. (Note, this is not Hero Boy from a previous letter. He's waiting for his call to arrive any day now & still filling a helpful big-brother/protector role.) Anyway, he's a sweet kid, but (obviously) Big Cheese & I did not love him spending much time with her before he left due to their age difference. (She's 15.) He was always appropriate--no alone time with her, EVER, etc. He never even suggested he might have any romantic interest in her, just was at our house whenever he could be. So Big Cheese & I let him be part of the group that's here a lot for movie parties & ice cream & such, knowing he was leaving on his mission and assuming he wasn't problematic because his departure was imminent.

All good until the last week of October when he left the MTC & went home. We don't know exactly why; it's certainly not our business to ask. What he has told us is that he had something in his past that made him need to spend time counseling with his Stake President, and he's now doing that. Which, I'm sure was an incredibly difficult thing for him to do, and I give him full credit for manning up & doing the right thing.

Still, this leaves our family in something of an awkward place & we're not sure how to treat him. We DO NOT want to allow him to think of Cheese as a love interest, and she, thank goodness, is NOT interested in him romantically. But we also don't want him to feel like he's being shunned, especially now when it's obvious he really needs support & friendship.

Should we continue to allow him to be "one of the guys" at our house? Tell him "stay away"? Something else? We need ideas. We care for him as a child of God & want to help him. But we are also worried, because he has made some colossal mistakes, & we don't want to communicate that we condone those. Help!

Mama Cheese




Dear Mama Cheese,

A 19-year old man should not being hanging out with a 15-year old girl (unless she's a relative) regardless of how good of a guy he is or isn't. Period. The potential for harm and confusion is just way too high. You remember what it's like to be a 15-year old girl, right? Any boy that shows you attention is a good thing, especially if he says you're pretty, or he likes your outfit, or whatever. Creepy boys are the exception. Sometimes. Feelings get confused, being nice gets mixed up with attraction (and, let's face it, if there was no attraction on his part he wouldn't be at your house). It's all around bad. You and I both know that Cheese, like any other 15-year old girl, thinks about kissing boys; and that in itself isn't bad, but 15-year old girls can look pretty mature and 19-year old boys can be pretty immature . . .

(My 15-year old son's friends are not allowed to "hang out" with my 11-year old daughter for the same reasons.)

Let me say it this way: sure, nothing has happened, and nothing likely would happen (maybe), but how bad would it be if it did? Does it matter if it's just flirting and holding hands, or kissing? Or something . . . more?

Your home needs to be a refuge from the world, and sometimes that means keeping out those who might otherwise violate the spirit (or your daughter).

Like I've said before, no 19-year old guy would be spending time with a 15-year old girl if he didn't find her attractive. Creepy as that sounds, weird as it may be, it's true. Ask Big Cheese. It may be tough for him to admit, but deep down he knows the truth: the boy thinks his daughter is . . . well, as the Jo boys say, not painful to look at.

If Cheese changed her mind and came on to him, could he resist? Would he want to?

(The fact that he hasn't suggested romance means nothing, by the way.)

I think you need to be pro-active. I think you (or perhaps more appropriately, Big Cheese) need to go talk to the young man. I think you tell him exactly what you told me: "It's none of my business why you came back, in fact I admire you being man enough to set things straight with the Lord."

And then I'd add: "However, where my daughter is concerned, I want you to stay away from her. this has nothing to do with any issues you may have, and everything to do with the fact that 19-year old men should not hangout with girls in High School, especially those too young to date. You seem like a smart young man, and I hope that you are; if you don't put some respecctable distance between the two of you, I'm going to show you what happens when one adult doesn't respect another."

Okay, that last part was typed with the voice of John Wayne in my head, so you may not want to use it.

But I do think you need to talk to him.

And I think you need to talk to Cheese, too. She's very bright; don't go behind her back; share with her the concerns that you and Big Cheese have. You can all be supportive and offer friendship without fostering inappropriate behavior. Sinner or saint, he's too old to be stalking your little girl.

To be clear: yes, he needs to be removed from the invite list. He needs to be told that he's too old to come over. He needs to be told that dropping by is unacceptable. If he doesn't get that or his feelings are hurt or he feels that you're punishing him for his sins . . . well, I know it sounds calous, but that's his problem. It's part of accepting responsibilty.

- Bro Jo