Dating without Becoming a Boyfriend

Dear Bro Jo,

I've looked at your advice a few times and found it in theory to be helpful but then I tried it.

I live in the UK and because we have fewer members, it's hard to date girls in Church because there aren't as many and they all know each other. I tried to do the ABC thing with some non-member girls and after going on one date with one girl, she couldn't understand why I wasn't then "in a relationship".

I told her I wasn't looking for a relationship and didn't want to get too close to any girl anyway as to uphold my standards, but I can already see that this problem will happen again and again with any girl here as relationships move quicker and mean less in my country among teenagers.

She tells me she is okay with it now but sometimes gets upset and brings up these points again and again but I can handle that and talk her down but her best friend is the one that gives me the most trouble and tries to bully me at this point, I try to ignore it but its tough.

The fact that she's in my school makes things awkward too, if the girls I can date mainly come from Church and school, this ABC thing will give me a bad reputation because the girls will expect a relationship after the date and if they don't get that, they will spread the word, which will give me a horrible reputation as a user when that is in no way my intention.

I just want to date people, make relationships and enjoy being 16, I don't want to slow everything down and get close to one or two girls and make situations where it would be easy to slip.

What do I do?

Commitment Shy


Dear Shy,

Your problem isn't just a UK thing . . . take some comfort in knowing that the same thing you're dealing with is going on around the world. The world teaches girls that having a "boyfriend" comes with a great deal of social benefits, not the least of which is that it's an affirmation of their beauty and value. Nothing could be further from the truth, but it's so engraved in our world-wide boy-girl culture that it's tough to fight (as you're finding out).

To be honest, you're exacerbating the problem. You say you don't want a relationship, but you're focusing on just one girl, and I get the sense that you: a) failed to be upfront with her BEFORE the date, and b) aren't making your dates Casual Group Dates. When you take a girl out one-on-one she's more inclined to think that you want to be in a relationship because you're spending time with just her. It's confusing. Going out with several couples makes it much more clear that everyone is out on more of a Group Activity (kind of like a priest-Laurel activity without leaders) instead of a Romantic Evening.

What you need to do is find a group of guys and girls that feel as you do. Trust me, as you explain what you want to do (Casual Group Dates) and why (because it's fun and there's no socially complicated attachments) you'll find that there are others who feel exactly like you do. Some of those people may be members of the Church who, like you, are trying to date in the way the Church suggests, some will be other not-Church-member kids you know.

If you're upfront with people, keep your hands (and lips) to yourself, and go out in groups, anyone who knows you and your standards will not label you (as we say here in the states) "a player".

It may be difficult, but it will be worth it. Not just the fun dating and valuable social skills building parts, but when you're able to leave on a mission knowing that you didn't do anything that would have placed strong temptations in your way.

Try to be understanding of how those girls feel, but don't let go of what's right.

Good luck!

- Bro Jo



Dear Bro Jo,

That actually makes a lot of sense, thanks for your help :)

- Shy



Dear Shy,

Any time, brother, any time.

- Bro Jo