The Morning After

Dear Bro Jo,

I love your blog btw. It is pretty awesome.

The reason I'm emailing you is not awesome. In fact, its pretty downright terrible.

I'm just going to get into it: I'm in YSA and have been on a few dates with some guys in the ward. Good, wholesome dates. Yeah, maybe we stayed out a little too long but there wasn't anything bad done (no kissing or even physical contact) and nothing inappropriate was said/implied in any of them.

However, I went on a date with someone recently from my ward that I don't really know all too well and we started talking about how I am working on taking the sacrament again (I transgressed a few months ago and have been working on getting my worthiness back) and he said he was doing the same.

We got back to my house and sat in the driveway just talking about things...until the conversation turned to kissing and more. We mutually concluded that we wanted to kiss each other. So...because kissing in front of my parents (still live at home...im only 20) house is awkward, we went to his house. I KNOW: BAD IDEA.

But I (naively) thought all we were going to do was make out. He even said that all we were going to do was make out. But when we got to his house and went to his room, the first thing he did was push me on the bed, put his hand in my shirt and started kissing me. The transgression I mentioned before was a VERY close situation to sex. This situation I am emailing you about turned INTO sex. I didn't want it. I also didn't say no (I wanted to..but I was afraid he'd get mad...so I let him). I lost my virginity to a guy I barely know on a first date.

I guess what my question to you is....am I "damaged goods"? Even if I am completely repentant (because I will be... it will just take some time..again), will guys in my YSA, or any YSA for that matter, not want to date or possibly marry me because I'm not a virgin anymore? It wasn't my choice.. I didn't go into the date looking for sex with this guy. Yeah I wanted to make out with him, I won't deny that. I've read some of your other postings about similar things to this, and it was said you don't need to say anything until you're serious with someone-serious to the point of marriage.

I'm just worried because in Mormon culture, virginity and not having sex before marriage are so stressed and I messed up. Big time. I'm afraid the only guys who will be willing to go out with me are sleaze-bag Mormons who want to "get some" from me because I've already done it.

I know this was a long-winded message. And probably really confusing. But thats kind of what my brain looks like right now. Confused and all over the place.

Also, how could I have known he was going to do that to me? My previous transgression-guy was also LDS but he was really inactive, so it made sense to me. This guy is active in the ward. I thought I would be safe with him...and not have to worry too much about boundaries because we have the same boundaries. AND I had even told him that I was working on getting my sacrament and temple worthiness back. So shouldn't he have been like "oh ok she's trying to be good. im not going to take off her pants tonight" instead of being like "oh ok well she knows how to to this, this and this so i am going to take her pants off tonight." ??

I feel betrayed.

And sexually assaulted.

---what to do, what to do?

ps is it possible for you to just reply to this email? ...like not post it online? i don't mind, ultimately, if it goes up...but i would prefer to just get an email back with your insight into the matter...



Dear What to Do,

I typically email those that write in long before I publish their letters. As you might imagine, I get tons of letters, and while I try to answer them all as fast as I can, many don't get posted in the column, and those that do generally (although not always) get posted quite a while after I receive them. A letter like yours will likely get posted because I believe it will help many who have found, or may find, themselves in a similar situation.

Now, I'm going to be very straight with you. Part of that is my style, and part of that is because I love my readers too much not to tell it to them straight; at least as I see it. What follows isn't meant to bring you down or put you down, but my honest assessment given to you in hopes that a dose of honesty and reality will help you mend things with God. Please know that I wrote these things with love and sincere caring for you, my sister.



Here we go.


You weren't sexually assaulted.


You look back now with regret and remorse, and I agree that this guy took advantage of you, but there's nothing about your behavior that would have suggested to him that you didn't want to have happen exactly what happened. A girl who is guarding her virtue, even one who is incredibly naive, does not do what you did. And, let's face it, you're not exactly naive.

Look at what happened.


You talked sexually with a guy at the end of a date while you were alone with him in his car.

You confessed to a man you're not in a relationship with that you'd previously gotten pretty close to sex.

You left your home to go somewhere that you could "make out" with him without getting caught or being seen.

You went back to his house.

You went into his room.


And look at what you didn't do.

You didn't protest at any time. Not when he suggested all of those things, not when he pushed you on the bed, not when he put his hands in your shirt, not as clothes were removed . . . not at any time!

At no time did you in any way communicate your lack of willingness to have sex.


Frankly, my dear, given your behavior, what else was he (or any guy, for that matter) supposed to think?


(If it means anything, Sister Jo is much harsher on this subject than I am. She absolutely loathes when "morning after regret" turns into false claims of sexual assault. In her words: "it mocks and marginalizes actual rape victims and has become an all-too-frequently used excuse when girls don't what to face the sins they've committed". She's not wrong, you know.)


Now, are you damaged?


Well . . . yeah. You are. You've had sex outside of marriage against the commandments of God and the advice of His Prophets.

HOWEVER, and this is very important, through the Atonement of the Savior this kind of damage can be repaired.

You'll never be a virgin again. That which should have been saved for your husband is gone. Yes, there may be many young men out there who hold that as important enough that (when and if they find out) will take you off of their "potential spouses" list. And yes, if this becomes public (and I pray for you that it does not, but you and I have no control over the mouth of the young man that you had sex with) you may find that people treat you differently (they shouldn't, but they may).

But the spiritual damage can be repaired. And that, my dear little sister, is what's really important. Making things right with Heavenly Father is one of the best feelings in the universe, and worth every effort we need to make.

So here's what you do: go see your Bishop today. Tell him everything, including the name of the boy (he'll need to talk to him, too). Get back on the path of repentance, and use how you feel about this event to motivate you in the right direction.

Learn from this situation. Learn about standing in Holy Places and about temptation and about keeping yourself honorable and pure.

Learn that not everyone who is active in our faith is what they pretend to be. Some very bad people use their Church membership (this happens in all faiths, by the way) to mask their addictions and bad behavior. You might be as shocked as I was disappointed to learn just how many people are addicted to pornography (which, as a side note, I'm very confident is one of this young man's problems). And, come on, how righteous did you think this guy was when he told you why he wasn't allowed to partake of the Sacrament either?

Learn that you're not alone, that we're all imperfect and make mistakes, and that through the beauty of the atonement we can be made spiritually whole.

Learn to take responsibility for your actions and inactions.

Learn that rape is an act of violence and control, not simply having sex when you shouldn't have.

Learn what you should and shouldn't do on a date. Learn that you can't be alone with this guy in his car or house again.

Learn that forgiveness is for everyone.


And learn that just because you made this mistake, no one says you have to make it again. YOU are in control of your destiny.


Begin your repentance today.

Don't delay this process. Satan will be working very hard on you (through temptation, embarrassment, and feelings of inadequacy) to keep you from the Love of God that you, yes you, and yes even now, are so deserving of.


You are still a Daughter of God, you are still a good person. You can become Temple worthy again. You can work your way back to partaking of the sacrament again.

And if you follow your Bishop's counsel, and make things right with God, I promise that you will feel wonderful. You'll likely never forget this incident. The Lord forgets our sins, but we don't (that's part of why we don't do them again).


I want you to know that even though we don't know each other, through the Spirit I have love and concern for you. Know that I know that Jesus is the Christ, and that through his atonement we can all be made whole again. Know that I have a testimony of repentance, and that I know that you are now and have always been a Daughter of God who loves you, that you are one of his choice and elect Spirit Children whom he wants to come live with him again.

I pray that all will go well for you, that you'll have the strength you need to make things right. That as you accept forgiveness in your own life and discover your Divine Nature and Individual Worth, that you'll be able to forgive others, even he who treated you with such disrespect.

My heart goes out to you.

Please see your Bishop right away. No excuses.

And know that I'll always be here to help in any way that I can.

May the Lord bless you with what you need,

- Bro Jo



Dear Bro Jo,

Thank you. Frankness is oftentimes the best.

I spoke to my bishop today and I told him everything (including his name). I've been relatively calm since I spoke with my bishop, which I consider a good sign. At least I'm not freaking out or hysterically crying everywhere.

I was really nervous about it because I didn't want the guy to know I talked to the bishop...because, like you said, I didn't do anything to tell him I didn't want it. But the bishop knows what’s best and I trust him. He said I needed to speak with the guy and tell him how this has affected me. And I just don't know if I'm ready for that yet. I feel angry at him for using me like that and I'm angry at myself for allowing myself to be used. I feel myself getting hostile when I think about forgiving him.

I've never had to deal with anything like this before (and hopefully never again) and so I just don't know how to even go about forgiveness..I know about the scripture reading and the daily prayers and avoiding bad situations and whatnot, but to actually forgive?

Thank you,

*new name: baby stepping through the atonement


Dear Stepping,

I'm so proud of you!

You're entitled to be angry, at him and at yourself. I think that's part of the process.

Things take time.

Trust in Christ; you'll never go wrong there.  Never forget that you will always be a Daughter of God, and as such are entitled to the Love and Blessings He has for you.

Keep stepping forward.


- Bro Jo