My Very Best Friend is a guy. (Yes, I know how you feel about that, but it's true).
We have been friends for over 7 years.
Now, I don't tell him my deepest darkest secrets, nor do we have sleepovers and gossip like girls, I have my girlfriends for that. However, we do just about everything else. Go shopping, out to eat, have movie nights, hang out, go to parties.
My Very Best Friend is a guy.
My Very Best Friend also believes he is gay.
I say "believes" because I do not think that he is.
I think that he has had some...encounters … in the past that has left him confused. I also think that he doesn't overly feel attracted to girls and therefore automatically comes to the conclusion that he must like guys.
He has started to become a member of the gay community in my town and has been involved with some guys.
It's been so sad to watch him fall into Satan's trap by giving into his desires which has led him to fall away from the Church, experiment with alcohol and try drugs.
He has never done this stuff around me, I have made my standards clear and have threatened that he makes sure never to put me into a position where I would be exposed to any of that.
But that is not my dilemma (even though that is a dilemma all in itself).
My problem is that of course, being a Latter-Day Saint and being raised in the Church, I do not agree with this choice.
Just like politics, I choose not to jump on the whole "gay rights" topic and I have taken a whole "step back stance." Meaning that I just do not want to bother with it all. I don't want to officially pick a side because I do not want to have to get into that whole mess.
I simply do not care.
People can do what they want with their lives.
I do not believe in same sex relationships, but if two girls or two guys want to go for it, hey, I'm not going to push my opinions on them.
This is the whole stance that I have decided to take with My Very Best Friend as well.
He knows I do not agree, but he also knows that I am still his friend and still love him as much as a friend could.
But, sometimes he accuses me of judging him when he tries to tell me about his sexual encounters with other men. He can hear the strain in my voice when he talks about other guys, and gets upset when I tell him that I don't want to hear about it.
Someone's first kiss is fun and exciting, don't get me wrong, but I have a hard time listening to him and thinking about two guys kissing.
Is he right, am I judging him?
I haven't pushed him away in the slightest for what he believes, I don't belittle him, and I steer clear of saying things like "he's gay" or "that's so gay" as not to offend.
But I just am uncomfortable talking about it.
So I guess I'm asking if I am judging him.
Is it judging if I don't want to hear about his relationships with other guys?
Maybe I am judging, I don't know.
Can I judge but still love?
How can I explain to My Very Best Friend that I have a hard time listening to it, but it's not that I think any less of him, or am against gays.
Help!
- My Best Friend's Gay
Dear Friend,
Gay or not, eventually your guy friend will end up spending less time with you and more time with the person he identifies as the love of his life; only choosing to come back to your friendship and spend more time with you when that relationship sours or is difficult.
It's the nature of romance and friendship.
And you need to also be aware that, gay or not, as long as you spend boy-friend level time with another guy, guys who might otherwise be interested in you will back off.
No guy wants his wife (or girlfriend) spending all of her time with another guy; the other guy's sexual choices don't matter.
Your letter strikes me more about friendship than homosexuality, so I'm going to focus on that. Okay?
Because, you see, it really doesn't matter what it is that you two are conflicting about.
Let's break it down.
Your friend has started doing things that bother you. (And they should, by the way.)
He doesn't care that it bothers you, or that you disagree with what he is doing.
That's his agency, but more than that he's belittling you and calling you "judgmental" for not supporting him in his behavior.
It's not enough for him that you have a "live and let live" policy; he is demanding that you hear the gory details.
He expects you to tolerate his behavior and beliefs (I'll get to why at the end), but has no tolerance for yours.
And there-in is the problem.
Set aside, for just a moment, that what he's doing is selfish, sinful, and destructive to himself and others. (It IS all of those things, by the way.)
The problem is his Attitude, and the bottom line is that he cares less about you than he does about himself. No relationship, friendship or otherwise, can be healthy in that atmosphere.
Now I want to say something about this whole "don't judge me" garbage that I see as so prevalent in people my generation and younger. Because "garbage" is exactly what it is.
People have twisted the Doctrine of "God is the Judge" into "I can do whatever I want and you're not entitled to opinions or feelings or thoughts or concerns".
It's wrong.
It's bad.
And it's dangerous.
You're not judging him. You still care for him. You're judging his BEHAVIOR.
He may respond "I'm gay, and you're anti-gay, so you're judging what I am".
But that's wrong, inaccurate, and unfair.
If your friend was, say, a gambler . . . he had an addiction to gambling . . . he's risking his life by going places and associating with people that could hurt him . . . would you say anything? You would if you were his good friend, right? If he was boorishly going on and on about his betting and how much fun it was and how much he loved his new gambling lifestyle, would you be within your rights as his friend to tell him that what he is doing is wrong, and you still love him, but you think he needs to stop? If he refused to stop, would it be okay to tell him you don't want to hear about it anymore?
And what would it mean if after you expressed your concerns and opinions he jumped all over you? What if he refused to stop insisting that you listen to all the things he's doing that you think are dumb, and you knew the conversation was going to be him bullying you until he got you to make him feel better about his addiction , and thus better about himself, because you agreed with him even if all you did was sit there and take it, saying nothing against him or what he was doing?
This is no different.
Homosexuality is something someone does; it's doing something sexual with someone of the same gender as you. Someone is "gay" either because of the sexual choices they make or how they choose to identify themselves through words, behavior, and / or lifestyle. It's not like Race or Color or Background or Ethnicity; those are things you're born with.
It's like religion. I'm "Mormon" because I do "Mormon" things, it's what I believe, it's how I spend my time, it's how I identify myself through my actions and behavior. It's my culture. With my friends I have a mostly unspoken agreement: if you share your culture, I'll share mine; if we choose not to share each other's cultures within the definition of our friendship or association, that's fine, too.
And the reality is that friends who do not share their cultures, well . . . aren't really good friends. That doesn't mean they have to live those cultures, or accept everything about those cultures, but how close can you be if you can't share? How good of friends are you if you can't tell each other about what you did over the weekend?
Heterosexual or homosexual, we get to choose what we do with our sexual parts, we get to choose whom we kiss; to say that someone who's "gay" doesn't have that kind of control, or self-control, is to deny that they're children of God with God-given agency.
Everyone has agency.
There’s a HUGE difference between being attracted to someone (or a particular gender) and doing sexual things. We don’t hear that much in our world . . . but it’s true.
As for your friend, you can love the person, but not love the sin. Heavenly Father and Christ love us despite our actions and imperfections. And we're supposed to love others the same way. We're taught that. That's what being a Good Disciple of Christ is.
I'm not perfect.
You're not perfect, either, right?
As I've said many times:
"If we choose only to associate with those whom we agree 100%, we're doomed to a very lonely existence. We are better off accepting that we're all going to disagree on some stuff, and we're all going to live our lives in ways that not everyone agrees with. If you can love me despite my faults and our differences, I can certainly love you. I accept your right and privilege to disagree with what I say and do, and expect that you'll allow me the same. If we can agree on that, we'll be friends for a very long time"
The thing is friend, I think your “friendship” has become very one-sided.
I think you should continue to love him, care for him, and worry about him, but you still have a right and obligation to your thoughts and feelings.
And on some levels you have a Spiritual Responsibility to share those with him.
If he's not willing or ready to listen, then you should keep quiet for now.
But being a Good Friend and a Good Christian does not mean that you have to sit there and take abuse.
Nor does it mean that you have to say that whatever someone chooses to do with their life is okay and consequence free.
You may have to very clearly state "I love you, and want to always be your friend, but I don't want to hear about these things"; if he can't accept that or respect your beliefs and feelings the way he's demanding you accept and respect him, then frankly, dear sister, he isn't much of a friend.
Hope that helps,
- Bro Jo
(PS: It's not a matter of how I feel about Guys and Girls as Friends . . . it's just me reporting the way things are.)
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