Is She a Cheater?

Dear Bro Jo,

I'm lost.

I've been dating we'll call him John (28) on and off for over a year, we became official and have been for about six months; he is a truly wonderful guy.

He was struggling for some time and was unable to go on a mission, he's really gotten his life straighten out since then. I've really grown to love him, which is something that I'd thought I'd never end up doing. I was even ready to marry him.

I traveled home a month ago for a month. And while I was there I started not feeling as strongly about John.

Later I hung out (basically a date; it was treated as such) with an old friend and we'll call him Don.

While I was with him we held hands, snuggled just a little and kissed. And when I met up with Don again, I realized I still have some very strong feelings towards him. I'm lost and confused and I know I am in the wrong.

Don has no idea (to my knowledge) that I am in a relationship, a pretty serious one at that.

I need to tell John, he has every right to know.

I just won't tell him until I fly home tomorrow, I feel as of he deserves to hear it face to face, and I already know exactly what will happen, I'll be ignored, big time.

He won't talk, look, or even respond to me.

It always happens.

I once made a joke with my roommates about another guy looking good, and he took offense even after I said not as good looking is you.(not the best move).

He immediately got ticked off moved away from me, and wouldn't even talk to me.

Same thing happened when I told him I had feelings of going on a mission, and during our on and off again times. I've had this strong feeling of moving to where Don is currently located, (across country about 3.5 hours from my parents) for around there for school, for quite some time.

I am currently 21 and wanting to go to into interior design.

Unless I follow through with my plans, and move I will probably hardly see him again.

But my current relationship is on the brink.

And I'm very worried.

I would love to hear what you think and get some LDS advice on my situation

thank you,

- The Cheater




Dear Sister,

Well . . . it's a good thing you didn't marry John!

(for both of you)

I saw this quote the other day, I doubt it was said by the person it was attributed to, but basically it said "if you find yourself attracted to two people, pick the second one, because if you were really in love with the first one you never would have sought out a relationship with the second".

I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about that quote, but it does make sense on many levels; if you really loved John, why did you go out on a date, hold hands, cuddle and kiss Don?

See, love, real love, is about putting someone else ahead of yourself.  We make mistakes, we do dumb stuff . . . but I'm not sure I'd say that this was . . . an accident.

That's not to say that Don is your guy; he may be … and he might just be a manifestation of the fact that you want to end things with John.

And, to be honest, when I look at what you've shared with me about John, it doesn't seem like there's much of a relationship there.

Perhaps if I break it down . . .

Here's what you've said:

- 1. John is a wonderful guy.
- 2. He straightened out his life.
- 3. You've (much to your surprise) GROWN to love him.
- 4. He's easily jealous and insecure (of course, we now know he has reason to be).
- 5. He's manipulative (he ignores you, playing the hurt puppy when he doesn't get his way or to make his point).

Do both of you a favor: let John go.

Stop holding him on the brink; give him the chance to be loved by someone who cares more for him than you do. Because, let's face it, this whole thing with Don was no "random act of unplanned passion".

Before you even agreed to go out with the guy, all the way up until the time you kissed, you were hoping that's exactly what would happen.

I don't know that you need to make John feel worse by confessing your kissing; let's face it, that move is designed to make you feel less guilty, not to help him.

Just tell him that despite the fact that he's a great guy, it's not working out for you.

Wish him well and at least do him the courtesy of not watching him cry.

If you do move, move for school or family, not a relationship that doesn't exist and right now isn't anything more than a way for you to escape the relationship you're in but don't want any more.

Who knows?

Maybe things will work out with Don . . . time will tell.

But I always think people should be skeptical when someone cheats on the person they’re with for them; there's no guarantee that they won't kiss the next person that comes along when they're bored with you. I don't want you to think that I think you're a bad person.

Confused?  Yes.

Bad? No.

Lacking in self-control? Perhaps.

Of course, all of that depends on what you chose to do next . . .


Let me know how it goes, would ya?

- Bro Jo