Getting a Guy NOT to Cal You

Dear Bro Jo,

I'm 17 years old and I've got this friend... I met him at EFY two years ago.

We've stayed in contact and talked a good bit through Facebook, and I've seen him in person a couple of times as well.

I started catching on to the fact that he liked me as more than friends a while ago, but it didn't really bother me until I realized that I really just didn't feel the same way.

I started pulling back, and not talking to him as much because I didn't want to give the wrong impression or lead him on (that's happened to me before and it's not fun).

The trouble is, I think it's only made him try harder. He's started calling me instead of just chatting with me on Facebook, saying he isn't really into the whole texting thing and etc..

I'm not opposed to talking versus texting, in fact, you sort of have to have something more than words on a screen to get to know someone on a higher level, but since I'm not interested in him like that I don't really want to go there.

I've seen you give advice on how to get a guy to call you, but what do you do if you don't want them to?

I talk to him anyway because I don't want to be a jerk (I was also depressed for a few weeks and very lonely, so even if I didn't exactly want to talk to him, the human interaction was still welcome), but every time he calls me and I talk to him I just feel bad about it because it probably means more to him than it does to me.

 -(name withheld)




Dear NW -

I'm not sure who has a higher opinion of you . . .you or him . . .

Sorry. Just a jab to lighten the mood a touch . . . but you have to admit, it really does sound like you've lead him on . . . and, well, used him.

Here's a guy who's actually doing the right thing when it comes to getting to know girls better; he's Talking to you instead of Texting, he's listening to you when you're depressed and need someone to interact with . . . sounds like a pretty Good Guy to me.

That said, no one says you have to invest time in someone you don't like, so you're going to have to draw the line.

Look, with guys anything other than the clear truth will be taken as "try harder".

If you don't want to talk to him on the phone, then don't. (I'm honestly not clear why you're taking his calls at all . . . I mean, if you don't want to talk to him, why are you???  You have to be getting something out of the conversation . . . ego boost, maybe?  Or why even answer the phone?)

If you don't want to be . . . not nice, then talk to him and tell him where you stand.

"Hey, please don't take this as a negative comment about you, but I just want let you know that I'm not looking for a relationship. You're a nice guy, but I'm not interested in dating you".

Cold as you may think that is, it's much worse to, as you suggested, lead him on. 

I promise he'd rather know now than keep wasting effort on you only to find out later that it's unappreciated.

Be Kind, but Be Honest.

But before you cut him out of your life entirely, please consider whether or not that's the right thing to do.

 - Bro Jo

PS:  As I re-read this, I don't want you to think that I think that you're a not nice person; at the very least I think you're Trying to be nice . . . and I do think that's good.  And I do understand that sometimes we collect some "hangers on" that feel like a burden; just remember that he's not always a burden . . . there are some times, as you've said, when he's been a pretty good friend.  Those are hard to come by, and you may want to give that some strong consideration before you send him packing.