Respect, Love, and Being Too Physical Before Marriage

Dear Bro Jo,

I love reading your advice and totally agree with what you have to say. But now I guess it's my turn for some advice...

I am a twenty year old YSA and had no any personal experience in the relationship department during high school. I was never asked on one date and really I didn't care to date people from my area, most of them wanted something serious and I saw where that led.

Anyways, so this year I moved out, started attending school and dating a bit.

Well my problem started a few months ago. I met this guy at a dance and it was like insta-connection, he was so easy to talk to AND a recent return missionary, I had to go fairly quick after to get ready for a party so my roommate and I left the dance.

Turns out he was attending the same party we were so again we talked and flirted a little bit, but being the shy person I am I never gave him my number.

So I added him on Facebook the next day.

Fast forward to one week later where I give him my number not expecting a text or phone call when all of a sudden he texts me and we start texting back and forth non-stop, during that time he invites me to a dance class and I agree to go.

The next couple weeks are full of texting and our dance class, then soon we are hanging out between classes, going on frequent dates, and going to YSA dances together.

A week later we watch a movie at his house where we cuddle and he kisses me for the first time.

The next night we watch a movie at my house and again we cuddle and kiss and almost fall asleep together.

Monday he comes over again except this time we make out and end up feeling pretty rotten about it.

We agree that since we are not dating (he doesn't want a committed relationship yet) we should stop being "friends with benefits" and keep the physical aspect to a minimum.

Easier said than done.  We continued to hang out until four, sometimes five, in the morning, and our evenings always end with make outs.  By "make outs" I mean five minutes to an hour-ish and it always involves tongue, and other things that come with passionate kissing.

Yes I know that is not good, because standards slack early in the morning and I always end up regretting what we do.

I have already talked to my bishop once and thought I had fixed my mistake but when you do something with someone once it is so hard to not do it again.

Before you ask, no we did not have sex but it was definitely heading in that direction.

I haven't felt worthy in almost two months and every time I am almost there, almost turned the corner, it happens again.

Luckily the spirit says "this is awkward, I'm leaving" and I feel that and stop immediately, but not before we almost take it too far.

We never do but it feels as if I'm always the one to stop it.

Satan has been working so hard on me, even when I do feel the forgiveness of the Lord (like I said I was almost worthy to take the Sacrament again) I can't forgive myself.

I hold myself to such a high standard and I keep disappointing myself.

I should not do this until after marriage.

I know this and completely understand why standards are put into place.

So I don't really know what my specific question is . . . but I like him.

I liked him before the physical aspect and will like him after it ends.

Besides the making out we talk about everything, that's why we end up hanging out until four in the morning.

There may be periods of tiny make outs but 95% of the time we are talking and having a good time.

The problem is that 5%.

I value the priesthood and the temple so much, and not being worthy to go breaks my heart and even more is the fact that he has gone and made more covenants then I have.

We need to change something and at this point I'm not sure how.

How can I stop this cycle before it ruins everything?

And does this ruin my chances of ever finding a worthy priesthood holder who respects me enough to not let it get this far?

-Toxic Cycle




Dear TC,

I'm sorry I haven't gotten to your letter until just now.

My advice is that the two of you need to decide if you love each other enough to cut it out, get worthy, and get married in the Temple.

You need to stop the over night-ers, stop making out on the sofa, stop being alone in the dark . . . you know the drill.

If this boy truly loves you he'll respect you enough to help you keep your standards.

Let me know how it goes,

- Bro Jo


*** many months later ***



Dear Bro Jo,

I cut off connection with him completely after he almost raped me.  I hadn't told you before, but he had been sexually abusive the whole time.  I kept placing the blame on myself, because I was confused and I thought I loved him and he loved me.

I did not deserve the way he treated me.

And I am grateful for the Savior and the Atonement.  I have a testimony of the power it can have in our lives.



I met a wonderful young man who could take me into the Temple a couple months after this whole ordeal ended and got sealed for all time and eternity on (date withheld).

:)

He treats me like a queen and I know I always come first.

When I was dating my husband we never did anything that put us in a bad spot and we had the love a respect not to do so.

We are now expecting our first child.

Thanks you,

- TC




Dear TC,

I'm sorry that you had to go through what you did, but I'm so happy that you've found a man who will Love, Honor, Cherish and Respect you!

Congratulations to you both.

- Bro Jo