When the Relationship Downgrades from "Boyfriend-Girlfriend" to "Friends"

Dear Bro Jo,

I have been dating this guy up at school for the past few weeks.

Everything was going great, then today he decides "we need to talk".

He has decided we need to become friends before we can continue dating.

The idea of this is confusing to me.

We are friends, we enjoy each-others company, we have great conversations.

We do kiss and hold hands but that is not the center of the relationship.

So once I finally got him to say what is behind all of this, this is what he said... "I just don't want to keep going then maybe get married and not know you, as well as I should. From where we are now, I see it going in one of two ways in a short period of time. Those two directions being, getting married or breaking up."

So from what I understand is he just wants to slow down a bit, the thing I am having a hard time with is going backwards to friends.

I feel like this falls under hanging out, and I am dead set against that.

I mentioned why don't we just continue dating and continue to get to know each other, my friend suggested we have like a timeline.

So say we will continue dating, but won't bring up engagement until,  say . . . December (just a time we are both comfortable with).

Bro Jo, how would you recommend handling this?

I am so out of practice with this.

I haven't been in a relationship since high school about 4 years ago.

I am trying to follow the guidance of the general authorities. How do they define Hanging out?

Is being "friends" looked at as the same thing?

Thanks,

- To Be or Not to Be




Dear Not to Be, 

What does his version of "friends" mean? 

No more kissing? 

No more dates? 

Does he want to date (and kiss) other people and he wants to sow some oats before he marries you? 

See, to me, it sounds like you just got dumped. 

That's harsh, I know. But it's not my fault this guy is stupid. 

Now, is he hoping to keep you dangling out there in case he changes his mind someday? 

Gets bored kissing all of those other girls? 

Can't find anyone "better" than you? 

Is he maybe just not mature enough to be considering marriage? 

All of those things may be true. 

The bottom line is, you're too valuable to pal around with a guy who doesn't get it, waiting and hoping that someday he'll figure it out. 

I say cut him off. 

If he comes to his senses, perhaps begging you to take him back, 

IF you feel so inclined, and IF the begging is really good, and IF you want to, then I say give him one, and only one, more chance. 

Until then, painful as I know it is, you're better off without him. 

Be Kind. 

Be Polite. 

But you're right: certainly don't become his Waiting In The Wings Friend. 

- Bro Jo




*** A coupe weeks later ***



Dear Bro Jo,

I did give him a second chance he blew it two days later. 

So I did cut him off. I have moved on since. 

I am so much happier now!

- Not to Be




Dear Not to Be,

Good for you. 

Curious: how did he "blow it"?

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

Well we had talked everything out, he had just gotten really scared, so we just decided to take things slower. 

Two days later he just stopped talking to me completely. 

Never told me what was really going on. 

He even came to a party at my complex, ran into him and he wouldn't say a thing.

- Not to Be




Dear Not to Be,

We may never know what his deal was. 

I've had that happen. 

It's tough. 

But you move on. 

It gets better! 

And if you're not already, I promise you'll be glad you moved on. 

- Bro Jo