Marriage Pressure

[Dear Readers,

I am hoping that this post, and my commentary that follows, will be a point of discussion.  I'm hoping it will help communication, understanding and growth.

So I'm going to make this the only email I post for the next seven days.

Share.  Comment.  Enjoy.

And know that I love you.

- Bro Jo]





Dear Bro Jo,

You posted something that really rubbed me the wrong way and I really feel the need to respond.

There seems to be an attitude of "entitlement" here.

To "Confused Collegiate", I'd suggest working on yourself and your own attitude.

I say that with love. I've been where you are!

I know how it is to feel lost and lonely.

If you are so adamant about getting married as a 20 year old, maybe you need to really understand what marriage and dating REALLY entails.

While the fairy-tale life seems great, it's fiction.

Marriage and dating takes serious work, understanding, and love.

It doesn't include judging a guy between the age of 23-28 for why they aren't married yet.

I don't appreciate judging anyone for why they aren't married yet.

You don't know where they've been.

You don't know what they've been through.

You don't know if they have gotten their heart broken and been rejected.

Instead of getting angry about why they aren't asking you out, genuinely seek to understand and serve them.

This will go a lot farther than gluing something to their door and expecting them to read your mind.

Actually talk to them and voice your concerns.

Maybe you'll learn something in return.

Try to find hobbies and have direction.

Be excited about something in your future besides marriage.

Yes, I realize that is a great, righteous goal to have. What if you never get married?

What if the Lord has something else in store for you?

Don't be so quick to place blame on all the men around.

Work on yourself and your own plans.

Be independent and content with your life and people will naturally flock to you.

I'm in my 6th semester at BYU-I and I'm planning on grad school at BYU next fall.

I've had the time of my life with the dating scene.

There are some awesome guys on campus. I've dated a ton and really learned a lot...

It hasn't been easy.

As far as the social life up here goes, you get out of it what you put in.

Like Dale Carnegie says...“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

My current boyfriend and I got to know each other by hanging out.

My roommate liked him so I had no interest in him.

The more I ignored him, the more he went after me.

I didn't even know what was going on.

We got to know each other in a group setting.

One day he pulled me aside and told me he really liked me and after months of spending more time together, we are dating exclusively.

Marriage is in the works, but it's not a rush. It never was.

With the divorce rate higher than ever, it's important to take your time.

Don't be in such a hurry to get married.

Our relationship is based on communication.

Dating doesn't have to have a perfect mold...and especially with the evolving culture up here, you need to accept that no guy is perfect and will do things that drive you crazy.

He isn't going to always work on your timetable.

This doesn't mean lowering your standards, but be open to different ways of getting to know people and different types of guys. Don't be so set that there's only one way of doing things.

Don't be closed to opportunities and experiences other than dating and getting married.

The Lord works in mysterious ways and afterall, you should be on HIS timing.

Enjoy life and love yourself.

God is so good.

He'll lead your path if you let Him.


I guess what I'm trying to say here, Bro Jo, is that I don't like how the blame is constantly being placed on men lately.

I've read your blog for years. I love some of your insight...and I agree with you most of the time.

I agree that girls need to respect themselves and be strong and bold, but I think it's more important to be Christ-like.

Seek opportunities to help each other...as men and women.

We literally NEED each other in this life. I think it's okay to be friends and hang out before dating.

I think it's okay that men aren't perfect...because women aren't either.

We should use the people that come into our lives as opportunities to serve Heavenly Father. I've tried some of your "tips" before with flirting and "getting a date".

I've played the "independent woman" card and refused to be seen as low-hanging fruit.

Most guys think it's condescending and they get annoyed.

They don't get near a girl who is going to undermine their masculinity like that.

They are good guys too.

It's important to show respect and, in-turn, receive it.

We have separate but equal roles.

Be kind...be genuine.

I think it's important to embrace this stage of life we are in and while the pressure of marriage should always be in mind, it shouldn't be a RUSH.


Do you agree?

What are your thoughts?


My uncle is going through a divorce.


He married his wife 3 months upon getting home from his mission and she was 19.

13 years later, she feels the need to liberate herself and enjoy those lost years of finding herself.

She wasn't ready for marriage and didn't know what she was getting herself into.

Now my uncle and his 3 kids are suffering because of it. I think this is a huge issue that needs to be addressed.

I also feel the need to reiterate that there isn't a perfect way of doing things and there isn't a mold for life.

My uncle can find happiness again. He is 36 and has to get back into the dating world.

The Lord hasn't forsaken him.

He is temple worthy and the Lord has good things in store for him.

Everything happens for a reason.

We can't control the agency of others, but as long as we always have the Lord in mind, he will never lead us astray.


What are your thoughts on the LDS dating culture?

Do you think it's a bit rushed?

Do you think it's important to embrace the single life before committing to someone?

How old were you when you got married?

Were you grateful for that time you had to figure yourself out before getting married?

You seem to think that a guy back from his mission shouldn't waste any time at all to date . . .


Especially with the 18 year olds going out. They'll be 20 year old RMs. 20 years old.

That's SO young.

Do you think they should be in such a rush to get married?

- Name Withheld




Dear NW,

Hi! I have lots of thoughts on LDS Dating Culture!

I don't think I could lay a blanket statement saying that LDS Dating Culture is altogether rushed or not.

I do think there are advisable paths, general advice and rules that work for many, if not most, people. 

I also think that when someone says "this is my general opinion" people often forget that of course there are exceptions to the rules, but those exceptions don't necessarily mean that everything else is null and void. I do not agree that it's "important to embrace the single life before committing to someone".

I think that, in general, it's "embracing the single life" that is messing up a lot of our Young Single Adults, but I also submit that it's possible you and I are thinking of that phrase in different lights.


I think there's value in accepting who you are and realizing that you may be single longer than you anticipated or hoped; and I think that one's value should not be based on one's relationship or the lack thereof.


But I also know that many Single Adults (regardless of age) in the LDS Culture are single not because of circumstance, but because of selfishness, and I see that as a HUGE concern.


 And, no, I'm not saying that I think that you, your boyfriend, or any of the singles you know are selfish.

If I knew them or more about their specific situation I may at that time become of that opinion about some of them.


I was 21 when I got married. I think I was too young, not in years, but I lacked maturity, but I wouldn't go back and change; I don't regret getting married when I did, I only wish I was more mature then.


I can think of several young men for whom I would say that 20 or 21 is not too young to get married, and several who I just don't think are ready.


For young women I feel the same way when they're 19. Sister Jo turned 20 just after we married.  She was much more prepared than I.


I'm STILL figuring myself out.

I'm grateful that I have a Good Eternal Companion to help me, and much prefer that over doing it alone.



I'm sorry to hear about your uncle's divorce.

They are not getting divorced because she was too young then; they're getting divorced because she's too selfish now.

I don't suggest that people rush to the altar at all.

I tell them not to make excuses for not looking, to get out there and be social, and when they think they've found someone I implore them to do their Due Diligence.


I have said . . . often . . . "long courtships, short engagements".


And I've written some very specific advice about why not to marry someone and the things you should know before proposing or accepting a proposal.


Thank you for your email!

And best of luck to you.

- Bro Jo




[Dear Readers,

Much of what this original letter writer had to say is true.

Some of it, IMHO, is not good advice.

She's right about respect and love and treating each other kindly.  And I am grateful for her testimony of the Savior.  She is spot on there.  No question.

I think she's wrong about hanging out, waiting until you "find yourself" and delaying marriage.  


We all bring to each issue the biases of our experience.

In the same way that her uncle's divorce likely made her marriage-shy, her opinions about rushing and being too young are because . . . well, she didn't want to be rushed and felt that she herself was too young.

That's real and understandable and right.

For her.


I know this particular young woman well enough to tell you that she's an amazing young person with much to offer an eternal companion . . . when she's ready.


As of right now, several years later, she's still unmarried.


She spends lots of time traveling and with her friends.  She is a kindhearted individual who works hard and serves others.  She has since this email graduated college and is successful in her work.  She tells me that it's getting harder and harder the older she gets and the further she is from college to meet and date Good Single LDS Men.

Sister Jo might say that this reader has lived a life like many LDS Singles . . . pushing marriage aside so that she could "enjoy the single life".  That the "hanging out" and "we're just friends" things have worked against this reader getting married.  


Perhaps that's true . . .

That doesn't make her a bad person.

Nor does it mean that she won't ever find an eternal companion.  

It does seem that the "not until I'm older and have lived and experienced more of life" attitude leads to an awful lot of "still single over 30 (or in my late 20's) and now that I'm ready I can't find anyone" feelings.


Many of our young people tell me they feel a lot of pressure to get married.

They say it comes from me . . . their parents . . . Church leaders . . .

I get that.  See . . . we old folks know that it's tough to stay active in the Church if one finds oneself older and never married.  So we worry about you.  And we talk about how awesome it is to be Married for Time and All Eternity.

Which it is.

And we do talk about it.  A lot.

It's important.  And we love you.

We're watering what we want to grow.

And you feel pressured . . .



But I submit to you that pressure is more internal than external.

And I think you know that.

I mean, really.

How often do you YSA do stuff just because your parents said to?


Most pressure IS internal.


Sure we say things like "peer pressure", but even then what we're talking about it how INSIDE we feel a desire to be accepted . . . to go along . . . to be part of the group.

That's Internal.  Not External.


I have that, too.

There are things in my life I feel pressured to do.  It can stress me out.  But that stress is really more from inside than outside.



I know you want to get married.

Most of you, anyway.


And I know it's not easy.


And I know it's scary.


And I know it's not what lots of people are doing anymore.



Another thought:

Don't make Eternal Marriage a box you check off in your life.  Yeah, I want to see you actively find a Good Person to marry . . . soon.  I want you to know the joys and blessings of marriage and family.

Don't put it off for worldly things.

Don't get so wrapped up in being single that you find yourself too old for marriage to be likely.

But don't just get married to get married, either.



The original writer is correct when she says that marriage is no fairy-tale; that it's a lot of work; that communication is essential in any good relationship.

What I want her and all of you to gain a testimony of is that it's worth it!

That there's no such thing as only one person out there for you.  The Heavens don't open, light doesn't shine down, and there are not butterflies every time you talk to that "special someone".

Stop dismissing people who are potentially great spouses for trivial reasons.

Stop thinking that you don't have what it takes to be a great Eternal Companion.

Stop dating no one or everyone.

Stop allowing your parents to keep you from growing up.  Treating our adult children like their still kids is not the way to hang onto our youth.  We need to grow up.  And so do you.


Give yourselves a chance.


Don't gamble, but take a leap of faith.


Love to you all,

- Bro Jo]