When Depression is Crippling Your Mission

Dear Bro Jo,

Hello Brother Jo.

I sent you an email trying to get you to give a devotional in my stake in (Location Withheld) around 6 or 7 months ago. I am on a mission now.

Sorry for the sloppiness of the letter, I am anxious and trying to write down as much info as I can.

I am on my mission to the (Location Withheld). I have been out for almost a month now. I spent 10 days in the MTC, and have been in the field for 8 days.

I was on your blog (I hope you are an approved site for missionaries . . .) and trying to find an article about something specific, but I couldn’t find it. I found that you don’t have any articles or letters about Depression. I come to you, because I would like some advice.

Freshman year, I struggled with friendships, relationships, school, family, and sports. Basically life.

Soon enough, my family and I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with Chronic Depression.

I had Panic Attacks, Feelings of Worthlessness, and Anxiety.

This was ruining my testimony.

I will say, that this was caused by a couple different things, one of which was a sin, Pornography and masturbation. After fighting with balancing the medicine out and the repentance process, I finally got balanced and felt the love of the atonement in my life.

Three years, I never had an incident again with my medication. But then my mission starts.
Doctors warned me that this could be bad and I could fall back where I started. I left on my mission thinking I was strong enough.

The experience at the MTC was amazing! I was on such a spiritual high! I never felt anything like it! I was so happy!

Being at the Mission Home was a bit daunting, but was still awesome!

I got to my mission apartment, and I spiraled down.

As I am writing this, I am fighting off tears.

I cannot feel anything.

The best way I can explain it is, I am back in my dark pit and cannot find the ladder out, or see Christ's hand to help lift me out, no matter how much I call out or search.

I haven’t felt the spirit since I left the MTC,

I don’t feel Gods presence, and no matter how much I pray, and beg, and I feel forsaken. I also have sought out priesthood blessings.

I have gone into panic attacks and haven’t really stopped crying.

I honestly feel like I am supposed to be home, and not on my mission. That I should be working at the temple and helping the missionaries like I did before my mission.

I’ll be honest, I miss home, but I don’t think that is it. I think my depression is coming back full swing.

When I think of home, I see light, and feel great.

When I think of my mission, I feel mist, darkness, and uncertainty. I have talked with my Mission President on the phone, and he and I will be talking in person this week.

I feel like this is destroying me.

That my mind isn’t functioning right, and that my body is suffering as well. I don’t have any energy to get out of bed, and I regretfully have little to no desire to go out and do my calling.

I end up just following my companion around numbly.

That’s really all I feel is numb.

But, my testimony has not wavered.

I know he is there, and he is listening. I just don’t have the desire.

I beg if there is anything you can do, tell me what I need, Please let me know.

- A Missionary in Turmoil




Dear Elder,

If this email ever posts, I promise to remove any information that would lead people to recognize you.

I'm not a counselor or therapist, but I do care about you and am praying for your aid.

I believe depression to be a very real thing.  I also think that the Adversary is working very hard on you right now.  I don't think that's happening because you're a bad guy.  I think you're a good guy trying to do good things and he hates that.

I believe talking to your Mission President will be a great help.  He has the keys to guide you in the way that you need most.  Whatever that may be.

Depression and addiction have triggers.  In your previous treatment were you able to discover what those are?  Sometimes knowing what can push us down the spiral can help us to avoid or overcome it.

I think your use of the word "spiral" is very apropos.  As we begin to struggle we see that we're struggling and that worries us . . . so we struggle more.

But know this:  you survived before, and you will survive again!

I'd like you to ponder what has worked for you in the past.  Medication?  Meditation?

What helps you feel more in control?

My Missionary sons all say that it's important to find something in the mission that becomes your "substitute for sin".  I wish I had a better phrase for it.  Let me explain.  There's such pressure (mostly internal) for missionaries to "be perfect" that one can be overwhelmed.  None of us is, of course, perfect.  One boy would eat chocolate.  Another would watch videos on Mormon Messages.  And another eats cookies.

None of those things are bad, or against the rules, but they can all be seen as "little rewards" one gives oneself when needed.

"You know, I'm a good guy, but I'm struggling a little right now, so I think I deserve a cookie".

It may sound silly, but they all swear by it.


(As a guy who struggles being happy with his weight, I would be better off finding something than a treat, but I think you get the general idea.)


FYI:  Sister Jo swears by Ginger.  As in Ginger Snaps.  There is a chemical in ginger that does make us feel better.  And who isn't happy eating a gingersnap?

She also says that acts of service can be very beneficial.  It's hard to feel sorry for yourself when your helping others to feel better about themselves.

And service is one of the best things about being a missionary.

Hang in there, my friend!

I know you can do it!

And I know it will get better.

Go talk to your Mission President.  ASAP, please.

Praying for you,

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

Thank you for your message. It really helped me feel better.

I have talked with my Mission President. He and I feel like it’s time for me to go home. I came out to try to do it, but I couldn’t.

I will still be finishing my mission at home, in a service or temple mission. I am excited to work at the temple. I worked there before, and I loved it.

I will be okay, and I will be reading your blog forever, because you helped me a lot in the past, and will in the future.

- Elder




Dear Elder,

I'm glad you're feeling better.  And I'm Very Glad you spoke to your Mission President.

Wishing you all the best.

And keep in touch.

God bless.

- Bro Jo



[Dear Readers,

Everyone feels "blue" once in a while.  Missions are full of challenges and it's very normal to have occasional feelings of loneliness . . . inadequacy . . . frustration . . . 

Every missionary I've spoken to has said that they've felt those things . . . that they've had moments where they wondered what they're doing out there . . . that they think they should just go home.

EVERY.

For many pushing through . . . being patient with themselves . . . losing themselves in the work . . . being of service . . . remembering back to those times when they didn't want to practice their sport or instrument or new skill but they did anyway . . . reading the scriptures . . . doing things to feel the Spirit . . . looking around and realizing all that the Lord has blessed you with and all of the things you have to feel grateful for . . .has helped them to endure, to overcome those feelings . . . to Cary On, Cary On, Cary On!

But when we get to a point that we feel like we just can't go on . . . when depression becomes crippling and none of the things above are helping at all . . .

We need to get help.

Help from someone who CAN help.

If you feel that way on your mission, go talk to your Mission President or the Mission Therapist.

(Many missions have a Mission Therapist and almost no one knows that.  It's free AND confidential.)

When you're at home, talk to a trusted family member or friend; talk to your Bishop or a Professional Counselor.

(Your Bishop can help you find a Professional Counselor, by the way.)

One friend recently shared his testimony with me about the power of the Addiction Recovery Class that the Church offers in most areas.  He said "it should be called 'The Atonement is Awesome!'" and shared with me his testimony that more people should give it a try.

Please, please, please don't ever feel ashamed about asking for help.

- Bro Jo]