Dear Bro Jo,
I'm hoping you can shed some light into how I can get out of my current dating funk. I'm a 27 year old guy who is on the right path. I have a great job, am financially independent, and strong in my commitment to the Church. One area that I know I am currently weak in, is my desire to find a wife.
I would date somewhat frequently during college and never struggled to ask a girl out. Once I left the college scene unmarried, my struggle to date really began. I spent a few years in Colorado where I was able to date on on occasion and even tried out the online dating scene having some minor success. As of today, I've been on maybe one or two dates in the 12 months... Which of course is well under your prescribed 50 dates/year. My previous Bishop said to me one time while I was counseling with him that there was roughly 5% of the girls in the ward that he thought matched up with. I ended up trying with 3 girls out of the ~30 girls in my ward.
As of a few months ago, I'm back in the "mormon belt" (Idaho) and have really struggled to build up a desire to date. Honestly, I thought a change of scenery would help. From what I can see, I've grown more and more content with the single life which must mean I'm selfish despite my love to serve in my calling, in the temple, and in my home teaching. I have a feeling Satan has me right where he wants me. How do I build back up my desire to date? I've tried to study marriage in my personal study by reading the scriptures and counsel of church leaders, prayed for the desire, and counseled with many of my married friends. None of this has really seemed to help up to this point.
If you have any insight, I'd be eager to hear your perspective.
Sincerely,
- The Unmotivated "Former" Dater
Dear Unmotivated,
Look, to be candid with you I have no idea how an LDS man isn't so eager to finally have sex that he makes it to being unmarried and in his late 20's. Sister Jo is convinced that a lot of you are using porn and self-stimulation. Why get married, she says, if a guy thinks he can take care of all of that on his own?
Now, I'm not saying that's your deal. You've certainly not given any indication that it is. But if those things are a part of your life they could certainly be sapping your motivation, which is one of many reasons to stop.
Just had to get that out there so we can move past it. If appropriate.
You also need to know that there's nothing wrong with being 27 and still single . . . per se. For some marriage just isn't in the cards during the time when they home it will be. The Lord's timing, not ours, right?
But consider this: if the sex thing isn't enough motivation, perhaps you'll be motivated by the joy you're missing out on not having a family, a wife and children, of your own.
Sister Jo and I don't get along every moment of every day. (In fact she's pretty mad at me right now, I think. And no, I'm not really sure why. Fairly certain that I'll be apologizing later tonight, though.)
And we don't have the hots for each other all the time, either.
But I do love her.
I love spending time with her.
I love talking to her.
And I know that my life is undoubtedly better because of my relationship with her.
Marriage isn't easy. It's a lot of work!
But every trial, every decision, every illness, every frustration, every challenge, every new home, new job, new day, is easier because Sister Jo is in my life.
And my life can be pretty stressful from time to time.
I've got a lot going on. Lots of pressure. Lots of expectations.
And lots of things that can distract me from the things that are really important.
Is every day dancing trees and singing flowers?
Not even close.
Despite the joy of this moment, stresses still come.
Tomorrow will be a tough day. Lots to do at work, and lot's expected of me.
But at 8 am I will walk my youngest daughter to school. We will hold hands and talk about little kid things and maybe even sing a Disney song or two.
In that moment I will be reminded of the things that are truly and eternally important.
Family.
And the relationships we form here.
Every year you aren't married those blessings are denied you.
If you're not married because it just hasn't worked out, that's one thing.
But if you're not married because of selfishness, because you have failed to see how wonderful some of the women around you are . . . well that's just sad.
Sister Jo and I got married pretty young. That was difficult. But even then I find myself from time to time wishing I'd married her a year or so earlier.
And you may find yourself having similar thoughts one day. You may find yourself lamenting the lost years and the postponed blessings because you failed to act, because you failed to take advantage of the opportunities and blessings the Lord has for you.
Date because it's fun.
Date because it's good to get to know people better.
Date because Good Sisters deserve to be taken out once in a while by a Good Guy such as yourself.
Date because Good Girls won't let you kiss them until you've taken them out a few times and kissing is awesome!
Enjoy the anticipation, the discovery, the thrill!
Just before I started dating Sister Jo I discovered that if you waited to kiss the girl you took out it could be really fun.
Don't kiss her on the first date and she thinks you're a gentleman.
Don't kiss her on the second date and she thinks you are really interested in her as a person.
By the third date she's thinking "I really hope this guy kisses me!"
It's pretty awesome!
(Okay. I should confess that I tried that successfully with just a couple girls and had every intention of trying that with the future Sister Jo but on the first date she was just so gosh darned cute I couldn't help kissing her. Oh well! Worked out well for me!)
I understand that dating hasn't worked out for you yet, but give your despair and apathy back to Lucifer and Go Have Some Fun!
- Bro Jo
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