Pre-Wedding Temptations and Things to Talk About

Dear Bro Jo,

I have been reading posts on your blog for a while now and I have come to appreciate your honest advice about dating and how we should act in relationships, thus I have a few questions to ask.

A little background: I am a 24 yr old gal and I am currently dating a 22 year old guy who I think is the bomb-diggity, so much so that we are planning on getting married in September. We have been dating for five months and both agreed that a short-ish engagement would be best(three months tops).

We are both RMs and actually both entered the MTC the same day(we never met until after our missions though). My fiancé actually told me that his interest in me began based on how much he felt like I loved my mission (I'm a talker). So really we started out really well, and it keeps getting better.

He chose to forego a running career at a four year out of state university because he wanted to be with me, it took a lot of thinking and prayers, but ultimately he chose me, and I am so grateful because I would not have been a happy camper. We also try to read the book of Mormon and pray together often, and as much as we would rather be together we still attend all our church meetings and extra YSA stuff regularly.

Anyway, recently, well not super recently, we have had a few more heated make out sessions, but ultimately we always stop before going too far and have begun to establish some pretty set rules, which we both recognize are essential. We recognize our triggers and seek to avoid them. He is always very respectful and I am so grateful for it. Although we are pretty good about being good, I have begun to recognize that we both think about our upcoming honeymoon . . . a lot.

And we both recognize that we should probably have a talk about expectations and feelings, etc, but we both don't really know what to talk about or how to start that conversation. So that's the first concern, how and when should we talk about our future relations with each other and what should we even talk about? What would be most appropriate?


My second concern goes along with it.

Since the age of 13 I have struggled with pornography and self-stimulation. I did not speak to my Bishop until I was preparing for a mission, and mostly because the guilt was so all-consuming that I felt that I would not be able to serve.

So glad that I talked to him though because my mission was the best thing I ever chose to do!

I still mess up occasionally, but I know what to do and I strive to avoid triggers, etc. so now to my point (sorry for the long windedness), I don't know if/how/when I should tell my fiancé that I have struggled with this.

I feel like I know a lot about how things work because of my experiences(albeit skewed) and I feel like he doesn't know a lot, and I don't want to be the forward one, although I tend to be anyway.

Yeah, I guess there's not much of a question there, but more of a concern of what to do about it all, because ultimately I don't want to keep secrets. He is my best friend, and I have told him a lot about me that not many others know.

My relationship with him is the greatest blessing in my life and I don't want to hurt him or lose him.

Any advice you could give would be wonderful, and a few extra engagement rules wouldn't hurt either...as good as we are, this summer is going to be a long one.

Thanks in advance,

- Concerned




Dear Concerned,

When a couple enters that period of time where marriage and it's eventually become a regularly discussed topic then yes, these types of things need to be talked about.  Preferably before any proposals are offered or accepted.

Many general rule of thumb is this:

If you have something in your life that is keeping you from being temple worthy then by all means talk to the Bishop right away

If you've repented of something in your past that at that time kept you from being temple worthy, or if you're currently working on something with priesthood authority, share it with your significant other but do so by leading with your testimony of the Savior and His Atonement.


Remember three things:

1)  your need to share does not obligate them to hear everything, nor does it require that you tell all the intimate details

2) no one needs to, nor should, know every single thing about a person before they marry them.

3) communication is the key to any long-term relationship; a big part of that is learning how, when, and what to share


Your willingness to open up to him is a sign of love and trust.  He may be open to hearing everything; he may not.  Just as you are not required to be specific, he is not required to hear all there is to tell.

The point is that you both need to be able to Trust each other with important personal things but at the same time respect each other's boundaries.

Does that make sense?


Now, regarding the fooling around ...

We have been wisely counseled not to do anything that sexually arouses ourselves or the person we're with ... until we're married.  (Then it's not only allowed, it's encouraged!  Heck, I argue that it's required.)

That means you two have reached a point where you probably shouldn't be alone in dark, non-public places anymore.

No sofa cuddling.  No blankets.  No parking.  No alone in the dark.

There's no such thing as "we're being careful" when it comes to not crossing a line.  Once a train is going 100 miles an hour you can't just hit he brakes and expect it to stop in time.

Take it from someone with seven children:  the distance between making out and making babies is not nearly as far as you may think.


If need, get a chaperone.

Everything you're feeling is good and great and wonderful ... it just needs to wait a little longer.

Your wedding is just a couple months away.  You can wait.

And if you can't ... well ... you can always move the date up.  By a month.  Or two.

God bless you both,

- Bro Jo