While I've been asked about The Law of Chastity a lot in this column, I'm not sure that I've been as clear as I should have been about some things.
"Chastity" is a pretty weird word in modern English. Outside the Church I'm not sure anyone uses it. Not in a serious way at least.
And INSIDE The Church . . . well . . . it seems like it gets brought up All The Time!
But never really explained . . . even though we've had lesson after lesson about it, often we're left with more questions than answers.
There are several reasons why that might be . . . but let's set those aside.
Here's
The 8 Things Bro Jo Thinks You Should Know about The Law of Chastity
- Sex during marriage is awesome and wonderful and fun; sex before marriage is stressful, confusing, and can really mess up our perception of the relationship we're in. With the exception of pornography, sex and those desires are Real, Natural, and Good; it's just the Timing that we need to be careful about.
- Satan is real and he uses our "natural desires" to pull us off track. He wants us to feel miserable and worthless, that we don't deserve eternal happiness, and he's wrong.
- When mature people talk about sexual intercourse and intimacy, they use the right words, not slang. Maturity is not bound by age.
- Often people make the decision that they're willing to break the Law of Chastity long before they're actually in the moment. The have justified the sin before the opportunity arises. The opposite can be equally powerful: we need to decide to be pure and to avoid tempting situations Before we find ourselves in them.
- Here are some Real World Truths about Relationships and Sex:
- Couples who live together before they get married almost always end up splitting up
- It's less expensive to be married than to be single
- People who wait to have sex with only the person they are married to AFTER they get married tend to have stronger, healthier sex lives and marriages
- Men and women are wired differently, and anyone who disagrees is lying or deluded or confused
- Sex IS NOT love;.
It Can Be an expression of love between two people who are married, but outside of marriage it has nothing to do with love.
- "Breaking the Law of Chastity" means anything we do to intentionally sexually excite or gratify ourselves or someone else.
Is a quick kiss goodnight breaking the Law of Chastity? Or a friendly hug?
No.
AS LONG AS those things don't betray a relationship.
It would be totally inappropriate for a married person to kiss someone (especially passionately kiss) who is not their spouse.
To be specific - nudity (yours or viewing someone else's) for the purpose of (or result in) sexual excitement, rubbing genitals (yours or someone else's), oral sex, masturbation, and viewing pornography are All breaking the Law of Chastity.
When we break the Law of Chastity we need to repent, and that means going to talk to our Bishop so that he can help us mend our relationship with The Savior. AFTER we're married, activities with our spouse Are Not breaking the Law of Chastity. Except viewing pornography.
That's always wrong.
Do you know why?
Because it puts another person, who is not our spouse, in the position of sexually exciting or gratifying someone who is not their spouse, which includes us.
If we have broken the Law of Chastity we are not Worthy to go to the Temple until we have repented. The Bishop has the responsibility of helping us know when repentance has happened. If you are Endowed or a Melchizedek Priesthood Holder and you have sex outside of marriage, you are putting your Church Membership in jeopardy. If you are currently breaking the Law of Chastity you are not at this time worthy to get married in the Temple.
That's a Very Big Deal, and you should meet with your Bishop RIGHT AWAY to get back on the right track.
It's better to postpone a Sealing until after repentance than to bring condemnation upon ourselves because we've lied in a Temple Recommend Interview. To do so puts worldly things ahead of spiritual things.
The Lord LOVES YOU, and you CAN repent. But to do so you'll need to take the proper steps.
- A good answer to "where is the line" is "never do anything you wouldn't want someone else, like your little brother or sister, or your grandma, catch you doing. By the way, Jesus knows.
When you think you are alone and "getting away with something" the Savior knows what you're doing. The Savior loves us, will always love us, even when we mess up, but like Santa Claus (who is an analogy of the Savior, by the way) "he sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake; he knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake".
One thing that can help is the Alone-Time-Motion rule.
Temptation for a couple to be "un-pure" happens when we violate all three of these concepts.
It's like this Venn Diagram (I apologize for the crudeness of my drawing.)
When we violate all three that's when we are most tempted.
For example: If we go on a hike, then the two of us are together for a long time, and it's just the two of us alone, but we're in motion, so we're okay.
But, if we're just sitting alone in a car or on a sofa or in someone's room . . . especially for a long time . . . then the chance that we'll "mess up" is very high. (So don't be in that situation!)
Does that make sense?
So . . . if we want to stay Temple Worthy, then the key is to make sure we're not violating all of those rules.
Rather than sit home, go out and do something.
Rather than be alone, watch that movie marathon with a bunch of friends.
Rather than hang out all night (and into the morning), say goodbye at a descent hour.
Questions?
Okay. Lecture over.
Go be awesome!
Love,
- Bro Jo