tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post203246061790494319..comments2024-03-23T19:56:39.134-06:00Comments on Dear Bro Jo . . . : Is She Being Shallow? Or Is She Just Not In Love with the Guy?Bro Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04525964417706399553noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-71688556684380611582016-06-11T18:35:00.353-06:002016-06-11T18:35:00.353-06:00NW's story is very similar to mine when I was ...NW's story is very similar to mine when I was dating my now-husband.<br />He had (and still has) very good qualities about him. Strong testimony of the gospel. Frugal. Kind, patient, and we got along well. I liked his family, he liked mine. However, I struggled a lot while dating him because I was not physically attracted to him. I was like you and thought, "...in hopes that the deeper our relationship grows, the more attractive I will find him."<br />One thing I have learned as an older adult is that you should not marry someone in hopes of the relationship or the person changing after the marriage.<br />Sure, you hope that as you continue with your eternal marriage that you'll both become better people, stronger in the gospel, which in turn will make your marriage and relationship better. Hold on to that.<br />It sounds like marriage is not in your imminent future with him. But if you're hoping that you'll find him attractive after you get married--<br />I'd strongly advise you not to.<br />I still don't find my husband physically attractive and we've been married several years. I finally had to come to grips with my reality and I'm in the process of letting go of those hopes and dreams. I'm focusing my attention on what I already like about him instead of the things I think are missing. This is a completely appropriate thing for someone who is married to do. I made promises to do this. You, however, should not be expected to do the same thing I am.<br />I very much disagree with Bro Jo's statement of, "...generally speaking, men fall in love with women that they are attracted to and women become attracted to men they're in love with.."<br />Women have sex drives too. If you're going to have sex and create children with someone, not being physically attracted to him is going to make it much harder than it should be.<br />However, I do agree with this statement he made, "Someone can be a great person and still not a good person for you, which does not mean that you are a bad person."<br />Bro Jo has also brought up some other very good points. Some people are ok with marrying someone they're not particularly attracted to because they prioritize the compatibility. Compatibility is a more enduring trait than physical attractiveness. However, I think you have to be a very secure and mature person to make such a decision like this. You have to know what you want and be very comfortable with it.<br />You don't sound comfortable with your choice to date your now-boyfriend.<br />And that is ok!<br />By no means am I implying that you are immature or insecure. It sounds like you actually know what you want: you want to date a guy you're attracted to. That does not make you shallow. Men write off women all the time because they're not attracted to them, and no one makes a big deal of it.<br />Be secure in following your intuition/gut. If you're eventually going to be with someone for eternity, I don't think you should have to talk yourself into it.<br />As for the dating stage you're at now with him, give it a couple dates and see if things do change for you. But if you're still going back and forth, I'd say end it. It may hurt now, but the purpose of dating is to figure out what you want and who you could be happy with long-term. Should your relationship end with him, at least now you know more of the qualities you are looking for in someone.<br /><br />I hope that I've been helpful. Bro Jo or anyone else is fully entitled to disagreeing with what I've said.<br /><br />-AnonymousAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com