Dear Bro Jo

Follow Up - The Morning After

2012-01-27T07:00:00.001-07:00

Dear Readers,

The following is a followup to a column I posted last August, "The Morning After". You can link to the original HERE.

- Bro Jo

Dear Stepping,

Thinking about you today . . . hoping all is going well.

Remember that you deserve the joy that the Lord has planned for you.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Thanks Bro Jo.

I'm doing ok.

I've made some mistakes since the last time . . . but I'm working on it.

If I could offer any advice to girls (and the guys) it would be that procreation is sacred. The Lord gave us these feelings and this power to bring children into the world and to become closer with our eternal companion. The world sees it as a frivolous pastime.

Don't fall for it!

There's a reason it feels good but your emotional and spiritual state will pay the price. And sometimes, your physical state.

Also, (and I didn't fully appreciate this until it was too late) it is SO easy to slip down that slippery slope to sex once you experiment with certain sexual behaviors. Don't think you're not cool becuz you haven't kissed anyone. Don't think you're not cool becuz you haven't done x,y or z.

In fact, hold off on x,y and z until you're married. Once you've done something it is impossible to forget it. Once you start feeling those feelings you want more; you go one step further-pushing the boundaries until.... no more boundary to push.

Maybe I just needed to repeat that to myself... IDK if you'll put that up or what your thoughts are.

Thanks,

Tying to figure it all out

Dear Trying,

Thank you for that testimony. I think sharing your experiences may help others in (sadly) similar situations.

Remember what I said before: through the Savior and His Atonement we can repent and be made whole. Even if the road to repentance is difficult, and it often is, its always worth the journey.

And remember, its easier to avoid giving in to temptation if we stay out of certain situations.

- Bro Jo

If He Has a Girlfriend, Why is He Flirting with You?

2012-01-23T07:00:00.016-07:00

Dear Bro Jo,

First off, I would like to say thank you so much for your column! It helps me so much! I really appreciate it, and love it!

Well, as you probably have guessed I do have a question... but first a little background. I'm a few months shy of seventeen; and there's this guy (BTW he is seventeen). I like him and we're friends, not close friends, but friends nonetheless. I am 90% sure that he also likes me, because we do talk quite often.

Also, I am really close with his family- his mom is my seminary teacher and his dad is my bishop. Therefore, I wanted him to ask me on a casual group date. So, I was planning on using one of your "Dear Bro Jo's HOW a GIRL GET a GUY to ASK HER on a DATE". But then, I found out he has a gf. So I was a little confused at why he talked and flirted with me and such. But after reading on of your columns, I came to the conclusion that I'm his back-up plan. So I was just wondering what does the back-up plan do in a situation like this?

Nothing, just move on and stop flirting, right?

Thanks so much for your help in advance :)

signed,

One of the 20%

Dear One,

You could talk to him.

"Hey, so we seem to get along pretty well, we flirt all the time, and I'm over here thinking that at some point you'll ask me on a Casual Group Date, and then I found out that you have a girlfriend - which, by the way, seems odd because I figure you're smart enough to realize that's a bad idea at 17 - and, anyway, I'm just curious, am I some kind of 'back-up plan', or do you really intend to take me out sometime?"

Once you hear from him where he stands, then you'll know what to do.

Now, one more thing: if your goal is to take the girlfriend's place . . . that's not the right thing to do. You should be going out on Casual Group Dates with lots of different guys, not focusing on just one.

Thank you for the kind words,

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Thanks so much! Will do! Man, that was so obvious. haha And, no, I'm not planning to singe date until I get out of highschool. :)

- One

When Someone Vanishes Out of Your Life

2012-01-20T07:00:00.037-07:00

Dear Bro. Jo,

I hope this gets to you, I've read your blog, but I don't know how to get different life scenarios to you...so I hope this is it and here's my situation(I have a couple):

1. There's this guy. We'll call him Austin for confidentiality's sake.

We have lifetime activities together. He is a sophomore and I’m a Jr. He's exactly 11 months younger. We started talking and became really good friends. We would always be each other’s partners in activates we were doing. I would take him home on the days that I drove so he wouldn’t have to walk. We went and got an ice-cream cone after school one day. Just sat there talking. Then we went to lunch one day (we never went on a date...he's 15). We could just talk.

One time I took him cookies at his house and we just talked in the car for a while. He's not the greatest kid. And I know he has issues. His parents got divorced. But got re-married. Dad committed suicide. Went and lived with his mom. Mom divorced. Got re-married and had a kid. (In short) And I think he has trusting issues.

He did trust me with all that. And I thought that we could really trust each other. Like I could just talk to him, and trust him with things I couldn't anyone else. (I have trusting issues...no reason like he does but...it never really came up while talking to him) Then all of the sudden, he would not talk to me. Look at me. Be my partner. Nothing!

I was really bummed. I was an idiot and sent him a (long) text. Basically saying/asking if he wants to be my friend, because he wasn't acting like one.

He said no, he doesn't want to be my friend. He asked why I wanted to be his. I gave him a list of reasons, and asked why he doesn't want to be mine. He wouldn't tell me why. No reason no nothing. I was SUPER bummed.

I'm grateful for his honesty, but it really sucks to be honest here. Now it's extremely awkward in class. Then this past weekend, on Saturday he called my home phone 5 times at 7:30 a.m. woke me up finally. Then when I really woke up for good. I texted him and asked why he called. He called my home phone again, my dad answered, he said sorry, he had the wrong number.

So I told him to stop calling if he wasn't going to talk. Don't know how he got my number. But I really want to be his friend. I don't know what to do. If he's struggling with something or he just doesn't like me or want to be my friend. I don't know whether to push it and help him? Or lay off because he thinks I'm annoying? But...I miss him, his smile and laugh, his comments...I don't know.

After this Thursday I doubt I'll see him again because our class will be over. (This happened to me last year; a guy told me he didn't want to be my friend) I don't know why, or what's wrong with me. I've prayed about it like crazy. No answer what so ever.

Which I don't understand because why would Heavenly Father take away such a good friend? There's nothing wrong with having a friend is there? I've also asked my brother on a mission. And I'm still clue-less as of what to do. I just wish I knew where he (Austin) stood. Please help with any suggestions. I'm open to anything and will appreciate all comments... (:

Thank you -

Troubled

Dear Troubled,

I'm sorry your bummed, but once you've communicated how you feel and he's communicated how he feels, that's all you can do. Don't confuse "not getting the answer we want" with "not getting an answer". Heavenly Father always gives answers, but it's on His time-table, not ours. Plus, often what we think is a "non-answer" IS the answer.

When I was just a little older than you are now, I had something similar happen. I had a date planned one summer evening with a girl from work that I had dated a few times before. She no-showed for our date. In fact, I never saw her again.

I called. I wrote a letter (that I hand delivered to her house and gave to her mom - remmember, this is before email, texting and Facebook).

Nothing.

No explanation.

No call.

She even quit work.

To this day it still bothers me a little.

Not that I'd ever give up what I have now, but not knowing what happened can eat at you for a while. Did I do something wrong between the time she smiled and said she was excited for out date and the date itself? I can't imagine what. Should I have done or said something different? I have no idea.

And I'll never know.

And that's weird.

All we can do when someone we care about chooses to drop out of our lives is let them go.

It stinks.

But we move on.

The only other advice I can give you is that, at least until you graduate high school, hold off on the heavy relationships (and let's not pretend, that's what this was, even if you never officially "dated" and nothing physical ever happened).

Here's to new friends,

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Thank you so much (: Your right, that is all I can do...unfortunately.

And I'm sorry about the girl who backed out...that stinks: / Haha, but I do promise that it wasn't a relationship....just a friendship (:

Here is to new friends...hopefully!

And thanks again, I really appreciate it.

-Not as much troubled

Dear Not-as-much,

But that's the point: it WAS a relationship.

Glad you're less troubled.

And don’t worry about the girl – things have worked out pretty well.

- Bro Jo

Is She a Groupie?

2012-01-16T07:00:00.014-07:00

Dear Bro Jo,

There's this boy in my stake (We'll call him Jamie) that pretty much every single girl is mooning after. If he were a musician, they would be his groupies. Seriously. He's the stake crush. He has every quality every teenage girl wants in a guy. I first heard his name in a cabin at Girls' Camp. And then, at a dance a few weeks ago, I asked him to dance during a girls' choice song (not knowing who he was). After talking to him for a little while, I, like every other girl in the stake, have a huge crush on him. There's just a little problem.

I've always had a problem getting a boy's attention (which I have come to terms with, thanks to your blog!). I don't even think there's a word for how boy-repellant I am. They don't see me as a girl, as a friend, as potential dating material, nothing. I don't register on their radar. Which I'm working on changing.

So how do I get to know Jamie? And an even bigger question: Is he out of my league? Should I just not even bother? He could have any girl he wants at this point, and I'm below every single one on the food chain.

He's a nice guy to have as a friend even if he doesn't see me "That Way."

How do I get to know him better? How can I keep up a conversation with a guy? I'm turning sixteen in a few months, and I really need advice on this one.

Sincerely,

Just another Groupie?

Dear Groupie,

The best way to get to know someone is to talk to them. The challenge is, because you’re a girl and he's a guy, if you over pursue him (initiating contact through phone calls, emails, chats and texts) you'll no doubt kill the chances of him ever liking you (unless he's not a Good Guy, in which case you don't want him to like you anyway).

I have no idea if you "repel" guys; unless you're really aggressive, like I mentioned above, I doubt it.

Go to our Facebook Fan Page and check out: Bro Jo's "HOW a GIRL CAN GET a BOY'S ATTENTION" for some things that might help.

- Bro Jo

Why He Might Not Feel Like Dating - Part 2

2012-01-13T07:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Bro. Jo,

First off, thank you for taking the time to read my letter, let alone reply to it. Then again I suppose you’re in the business of responding to youth in need to advice, So I suppose a "great job!" is in order.

I understand where you're coming from. I mean I do call these people brother and sisters, so I do see how they would want to give me this knowledge and experience that they have worked live time to gather. I shouldn't be so critical of them and just accept that for as long as humans have had mouths, they have had opinions and advice to pass down to the next generation.

I'm a cosmetologist by trade, so I more or less work solely with women on an everyday basis. I'm very good at what I do ( If I do say so myself ) so it’s not really I’m surrounded with desperate women, I think most of them mistake our conversations as, I dunno, having a real connection as opposed to just small talk as I cut and fix hair.

While I must admit, I have had some very determined ladies ask and re-ask me out, more often than not I'm dealing with super fun clients who want to buy me a drink after work, but once they find out I'm LDS they decide they want to buy me coffee, and once I tell them that's not good either, She will most likely ( in my experience ) want to go for a walk instead.

And I fully understand. I mean we live in a culture where it’s almost the normal to degrade women and not give them the ability to think or to feel. The world forces on them roles that are less than amazing for these beautiful creatures. The second a man ask them how they are doing, or wants to know how her day went, I think something clicks on a psychological level that says

“ this guy isn't going to hit me, AND he wants to know how my day is!? “ and I think from that point a pseudo romance is built.

I think my problem through my career, I've more or less been forced to look at women in the role of client not lover ( if lover is too strong of a word your blog, feel free to remove it and replace it with anything you choose) I have trouble noticing a girls nice smile and the funny jokes she tells when I can clearly see her hair needs to be trimmed and her color touched up. I guess the main point I’m saying here I think maybe romance is dead to me because I let me career kill it.

I've tried to serve mission my friend, and I wasn't allowed due to health reasons. I have a pretty aggressive lung problem that the details of which I'm sure would bore you and your kind readers to death. Long story short, I'll be super blessed to make it to thirty. I have to go to a treatment every few days, and I'm by far the youngest name on the treatment list.

I think that’s also an underlining wall to my lack of dates. I view it as how fair would it be for me to meet this great girl, go get sealed, and then die on her. Leaving her in alone in her youth. I wouldn't even have time to get to know the girl, let alone make some sort of connection that would suffice us an entirety of companionship. So I figure “why bother”.

But I hold the utmost respect for those Elders and Sisters who are blessed enough to serve missions. Those lucky few and Veterans are the only few I ever give free haircuts to.

So what do I do now Bother, now that my situation is a little bit more complex that I first let on?

Warmest regards,

- Happy Being Alone

PS: As always, feel free to edit and alter as you see fit.

Dear Happy,

My advice?

1. Don't date clients.

2. When women ask you out, tell them "I'm an Old Fashioned kind of guy; when I go out on dates I like to do the asking".

3. Be happy with who you are and where you are. Understand that people mean well, so accept their input politely; nod, smile and say thank you. Then go about your life.

4. Keep dating, but on your own terms. Date who you want, when you want, but keep looking.

5. As you're looking, work hard to look past the superficial stuff. Try seeing that wonderful-but-in-need-of-a-cut-and-color woman not as someone desperately in need of a makeover, but as someone who as a daughter of God has a lot to offer, is beautiful in her own way. Who knows? Maybe you'll fall for a woman who finds you doing her hair as the most romantic thing ever . . .

Lots of us go through a period of time when we're pretty disillusioned with the opposite sex. Be patient. This too shall pass.

- Bro Jo

Casual Group Dates and Jealous Girls

2012-01-12T07:00:00.107-07:00

Dear Bro Jo,

I was introduced to your blog by my friend's mom, and hearing about it, I thought it would be a load of waffle to tell the truth.

That is definitely not true. I love reading your blogs and the stories that people submit are a great help to me.

I have been friends with this girl for almost all my life, as little kids we would always have play dates and we even got "married" lol. (I'm just telling you this so you can understand some of my feelings for her). Later I moved away and didn't see her for a few years and when i came back we weren't as good of friends. Some time elapsed and since we lived a stake away our families stopped seeing each other so often. By the time we were fourteen we went to our first dance and the first girl I ever danced with, and she asked me for my number and we've been texting for 3yrs. I'm barely-17-she 16 btw. The week that i turned sixteen our families had dinner together and then she and I went to my stake's dance, it was really awesome and when I drove her home she kissed me, and told me she loved me!

That was a little confusing especially since she was still with her bf.

Time went by and we still texted and when she turned 16, I asked her out- mostly because she was feeling so bad (this was a month or so after she did the thing with her bf I would later find out) but also because I liked her. About a week later, she asked me out to a basketball game but I was on vacation so I couldn't go.

That set us back a bit, nothing really happened for about six months, but we texted a lot. Eventually she broke up with her bf for good.

Then she invited me to her Ward's lake activity and we had a great time and afterward we spent some time at my stake's dance together. The next morning she asked me if I liked her and I said I did and she acted like I was dumb for not noticing (not meanly, just playfully).

We tried to find out ways to be together more, but it was pretty hard because of where we live, and none of my church friends would go on Casual Group Dates. Finally a time came up and we went out. This was the most awkward night of my life, not because of her, but because we were pretty much babysitting this guy who originally planned the date but then got dumped-he has lots of issues so I had to focus on keeping him happy.

Before the date, she texted me every day of the week for hours at a time, but for some reason since then she has barely texted me at all. Part of the reason for this I think is that I drove out of state for a homecoming with a girl that had been planned for weeks before I knew she like me.

This second girl I met at youth conference and she really liked me and I didn't want to mess anything up so when she asked me I said yes.

Because of the date with Girl 2, Girl 1 (I'm pretty sure) is mad at me and because of her pre-16 dating habits, is a little emotionally scarred (just like For Strength of Youth says she would be) probably assumes that I'm in love with her.

Although Girl2 is great and everything, I don't know her that well and her being so touchy is a little worrying.

The unfortunate truth is that when Girl 1 asked me if I liked her I lied, I don't just like her . . . I'm pretty sure I love her (at least as a sister, maybe more).

I'm not the type of guy who jumps into relationships (I’ve never had a gf). The reason I say "love" is because of how strong our relationship became and how much we share with each other. I'm afraid that the date with Girl 2 may have ruined things between us. Since then she told me she has a crush on a guy 2yrs younger than her!

I'm really hoping that this is her way of making me jealous, because it's working. Because of her first bf, I think she feels like she needs a bf to make her feel like she is worth anything. Another thing that definately is messing her up is that when she was with this guy, they almost had a child... Yeah that’s bad.

So here are my questions:

1) Do you think that I should even be pursuing this girl from the start with her history (she is temple worthy and done with her bf btw)?

2) What can I do to make things better with her?

3) She hasn't said she doesn't like me anymore, so either she is just upset that I'm "with" Girl 2, or she likes this freshmen more.

So do you think that I can fix this and try to pursue her? Just as much as a guy two years from his mission should.

If you could respond ASAP that would be great, or just at all lol.

I am Really torn up about her, and I think she feels pretty strongly about me too but this situation with Girl 2 messed stuff up.

Either way, your blogs are great!

- Name Withheld

PS- if you have any questions feel free to ask.

Dear NW,

1. At your age, and with missionary goals (which is Exactly what I want to hear) I don't think you should be "pursing" ANY girls. Casual Group Dates? Absolutely! Spending "boyfriend" level time with clingy, possessive girls who equate their value with whether or not they're in a relationship? No way. Not even if you think you might be falling in love with them. Actually, especially not then.

2. What you Should Do regarding Girl #1 will likely not make things "better". What you need to do is to Talk To Her. You need to tell her that you think she's great, and that she is without a doubt a girl you'll consider Serious Single Dating when you come home from your mission, IF she's still single then, but right now your goal is to serve an honorable mission, and you know that will be easier if you don't have any serious girlfriends to leave behind.

Tell her you think she's beautiful and smart and a lot of fun, and you hope the two of you can keep going on Casual Group Dates. Teach her that means that you're both going to be dating other people, that for your part you won't be getting serious with anyone. I HOPE she realizes that she's wonderful simply because she's a Daughter of God (you may want to testify of that) and that her value is in no way connected to her relationship with a guy, but to be honest . . . she's very likely to get angry, act hurt, and could quite possibly show a very ugly side that you'll be sad and confused about (but grateful you found out now and not post-sealing).

3. When talking to a girl, of any age, a guy should never bring up other girls. Even if you're using the other girl as an example of how wonderful she is and what a shrew the other girl was it can lead to disaster. Eventually you may be in a Very Serious Relationship that will require full disclosure as part of the relationship progression. Then you can and should say stuff. But that's a while off, my brother.

Thank you for the kind words, and good luck with Girl #1.

Let me know how it all turns out.

Oh, and keep going on Casual Group Dates. Teach the priests in your area how much fun they are, and try to focus on the girls in your own area. And consider going on a few more outings with Girl #2 as well.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Thanks soo much for responding so fast, it's really kind of you to take some of your time to help me with my problems. It's pretty ironic that you described her as clingy; because she said that was an issue with her old bf, and she is self-conscious about being clingy when in fact she is.

And just FYI, i didn't mean to bring up Girl #2, Girl #1 asked me about it because of some stuff on Facebook. I'm assuming that I should talk to her in person, I'll try to find a way for that to work, but it may be hard as we live a ways away. If that doesn't work I'll txt her (which is usually how we talk about stuff like this).

Thanks so much for your advice, I'll keep reading your column, and I'll tell you when stuff happens.

- NW

Dear NW,

Relationship stuff should never be handled by text. Do it in person or do it over the phone or if you absolutely must Hand Write a personal letter (not a note, a letter).

And, as a side note, it seems to me that you're texting WAY too much.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

You are right, I do text too much. I will try to talk to her in person or at least call soon.

Thanks for the advice

- NW

Dear NW,

Anytime.

- Bro Jo

Which Girl?

2012-01-11T07:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Bro Jo

It's me again. The situation this time still involves the same girl. My situation is that her (let's call her Flirt), our mutual friend (let's call her Loudy), and me have formed a sort of group. Flirt and Loudy have been best friends for a long long time. We all live not too far away from each other, and seeing as we're in the country, we're are also some of the only youth there.

Me and Loudy talk frequently over the phone and I would say more than me and Flirt. Our conversations have little flirting but are still interesting in terms of casual conversational content. The relationship me and Flirt have is strange to say the least. I have very little romantic interest in her, but still have engaging conversations. She has no trouble telling me that she thinks I'm exceptionally good-looking, nearly perfect personality, nice smile, etc. Yet she still claims that she has no romantic interest whatsoever. We feel close and can talk about a lot of things, almost like we're each other’s therapists. I did have an incident when trying to coordinate a ride to a faraway dance, where I ended up spending the night at her house, and was picked up in the morning. When Flirt found out, she made a big deal of how it's going to be so cool and we better keep it 'G-rated' (no trouble on my part) I made a joke about how I like to have fun and Flirt seemed to get a little annoyed.

Me and Flirt have had some progression in the sense that her parents have finally tried to change her physical ways by basically grounding her, telling her why ,and it is effective until they think she's changed to some extent. We still flirt, and recently I've talked to her over the phone and she told me she finds me amusing, I have a great smile, would only consider a guy who is bilingual (which I am), and I managed to keep her laughing basically the whole time. She also feels she can share information about her personal life, like problems with friends and that sort of thing (Am I being to much of a 'Friend'? I don't want to be friendzoned!).

When I was going over a "Post-Flirty Conversation Analysis" with Loudy, she talked and then abruptly told me that Flirty doesn't like me (Me and Flirty were just having that great conversation previously mentioned and were forced to stop talking, but agreed to call each other the next day) but then quickly said, "oh that was a little cold, sorry".

I'm not sure that was a mistake. I know from Loudy that when they talk, (and they talk almost every day) the conversation often turns to me and Flirt is the one who usually brings it up. I know she's compared her first name with my last name and apparently she liked how it sounded (from what I know the last name-matching thing is basically sacred to girls) Flirt also told me how she was feeling a little excluded from me and Loudy because we talk so much more, and seem to spend time more than me and her, stating she sometimes feels like a third wheel, but she'll get over it. So I suspect there is some amount of jealousy occurring here. Loudy also recently burst into a rant about how I always bring Flirty into the conversation, and she's annoyed by the fact that all the boys they both know seem to like Flirty more than her.

Now that I have given the details from which to analyze. Here is my question/problem: is Loudy interested in me but is trying to make it seem like she's not, yet tries to dampen my spirit when we talk about Flirty by saying Flirty doesn't like me?

Also I'm wondering if Flirt is interested as well?

I'm feeling so confused. I know something here is not right, not all the roles played are matching up properly. Something is wrong and would just like some help on figuring this out. What the viewpoints of Flirty and Loudy are likely to be.

Thank you so much

- The Russian Bear

Dear Bear,

I'm not sure if either girl likes you or if they're just being territorial (girls sometimes do that, you know). My guess is that they probably do like you at least on some level, but at your age you shouldn't be pursuing a girlfriend, so I wouldn't worry about it too much.

Stop over analyzing everything and just enjoy being young and alive.

- Bro Jo

Oh, and while I'm thinking about it, I don't think it's very wise to be asking each girl about the other.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Hmm, well I hope I'll find out sometime later in life. I'll keep the not talking about the other girl in mind. Thanks for the help, being young and alive really are something to appreciate!

- Bear

Dear Bear,

Indeed, it is.

- Bro Jo

Getting Some Distance

2012-01-10T07:00:00.007-07:00

Hey there Bro Jo,

Could you give me a synopsis of why it is guys and girls can't just be friends? Or just attach a hyperlink to an email where I would be able to find one of your blogging articles? I've looked through all this year’s responses on Facebook and I can't find it. Also, it would really help to make a point that I'm trying to prove to a girl.

-- Distancing Myself

Dear Distancing,

Facebook has dropped all of the Discussion pages - pretty frustrating - but if you go to the blog page (http://www.dearbrojo.blogspot.com) you see a list of tags on the left hand side. "Guys and Girls as 'Just Close Friends'" is one of the biggest.

You can also search topics through all of the posts by typing a word or phrase in the Google Search tool, also on the left hand side.

I'm not certain what point you're trying to prove . . . particularly given your signature . . . but Good Luck!

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Okay, I can see your point. Let me fill you in. This girl and I had been going on dates, with a date between our dates with someone else, and in double dates, since march. At the end of august she decided that she didn't want any contact with me, which was understandable considering that I was in a bad place spiritually of which I have since repented. I believe that it was because of this that I treated her rudely. This wasn't even exclusively directed to her either. My family unfortunately felt the impact of my self-destruction. I'm pretty sure you understand given all the people who write in to you. So you can see why her decision was understandable.

I apologized in person, she forgave me, and started texting me again. . . I know, you're probably thinking this friendship is real shallow because it’s mostly through text, but she lives an hour away no matter how fast you drive. Anyway, fast forward to last week. Monday, I think it was. We were texting back and forth and I felt as confused as I was when I took out my endowment. So I asked her, ''Why are you still texting me?'' She could say, you know, ''Go jump off a cliff'' or something along those lines and I would understand why. Her answer, though, was, and I quote, ''Because I still care for you, a lot.''

Now you may or may not notice that I emailed you a couple weeks ago asking you about how to present the church in a better light and told you about my mission to Brazil, and while all that is still true, in the meantime I'm going insane. This girl texts me at least once a week and wants to know how my life is going, what's new, etc, etc. Between these episodes I can manage to think about other things; school, work, sports, appointments. But then I can't stop thinking about her. I think she wants to just ''be friends'' because that’s what she said about two weeks before the above mentioned quote, but that the above mentioned really threw me for a loop.

So I guess what I'm trying to ask is; do you think this girl keeps on texting me because she would be open to a relationship after my mission? Or genuinely wants to be just friends?

If the latter it would be best my both of us to just move on. And by move on I mean not talk to each other unless at the same activity; and by doing so, distance myself from her and she from me.

-Distancing (maybe)

Dear Distancing,

Regardless of what she wants now or later you should move on. Focus on the Mish, my man, and don't give this girl or this situation any more thought until you come home, and even then only if she's still single (and, by the way, I'll bet she won't be).

Girls don't get the "Men Can't Stay 'Just Close Friends' with Women" thing because, well . . . let's just say that they don't think like we do and many of them can't imagine why we think the way we do. See, girls can spend lots of time with some guy they're not into at all, so they just don't get that we'd never spend that kind of time unless we were attracted to them.

AND girls don't understand that once it's over we really don't want to be "friends" (or "just friends forever") anymore. No guy wants to hear about how hot his ex-girlfriend thinks her new boyfriend is.

And, for the record, when Girls become Women they understand what I'm talking about.

Move on, sailor. Move on.

- Bro Jo

Why He Might Not Feel Like Dating - Part 1

2012-01-09T07:00:00.020-07:00

Hello Brother Jo,

I hope this finds you well.

I've been reading your blog for a while now, and I must say, good stuff my friend.

As I've been reading, I've noticed that I'm in a situation that I can't say many of your readers find themselves in. I'm a single 23 year old member convert of the Church. I'm a priesthood holder and all around great guy, but I find myself turning down more and more dates. These beautiful daughters of God are wonderful people. Amazing both inside and out, but the thing is, I just don't want to date. At all.

I feel so much pressure from the church and friends to get out there and date and see people and make connections, but I really have no desire. I mean its not like I'm starving for friends or anything, I just don't want to date. I've never had my heart torn out, or was mistreated by a woman. I don't suffer from same sex attraction. I just don't want to be with anyone at the moment or in the foreseeable future**.

I'm not having expensive vacations, or spending to much time with my guy friends or anything like that, but I feel like Everyone is placing this intense stress on me to find someone and settle down. I'm seeking your advice on what to say to them to get them to cool his/her jets about this entire subject.

I've tried talking to them and telling them "The more I learn of man, the more I love my dog ", but I don't think they understand that I more or less don't want to date. I would include the phrase settle down, but I feel that would make it sound like I'm living life in the fast lane currently, which is far from true.

regards,

-Happy Being Alone

** I use the word "Foreseeable" because I'm well aware that at the drop of a hat, I could meet a young lady so amazing that it knocks the taste out of my mouth, and force me to eat all of these carefully chosen words

Dear Happy,

First of all, thank you for the kind words.

In a culture where we recognize the temporal and eternal joy that comes from marriage and family, and where every fellow congregation member thinks of themselves more as kin than friend, its to be expected that so many people would be in your business about that next stage in life. That doesn't make it right, necessarily, but its not wrong either.

You've given some pretty comforting answers to the typical concerns about why you're not interested in dating . . . so the question is, what IS the reason you're not interested right now? Because, whether we admit it or not, there's always a reason.

Always.

Whether you figure out or admit that to yourself is, of course, entirely up to you. But I submit to you that your reason may be a good one.

I'll tell you, my initial reaction upon reading your email was that you may just be sick of the overly aggressive women you know; what's up with you getting asked out all the time???

I mean, I'm sure you're a great guy and all, but its tough for a Good Guy to see much value in women who ask them out. They figure that if the girl is so desperate there must be something wrong with her . . . plus it takes the whole "joy of pursuit" out of the equation.

Just before I started dating Sister Jo, I was dating a girl who, on paper, had everything. She was fun to be around, super smart, and frankly . . . stunning. But the girl was relentless! We'd go out on a date and then she'd ask me out again before I could catch my breath and ask her. She was great and all, but it really began to wear on me.

Just one time, I'd think, I'd like to be the person who initiated the phone call or the conversation or the date or . . . well, it was a real turnoff. Twenty-five years later and she's still single; I've wondered if that's why.

Anyway, your opening paragraph has me more worried about the lack of self esteem of the young women you're around than anything else . . . but that's a topic for them, not you.

Then I thought that it's perhaps as you've said: perhaps you just haven't met the right woman yet. Of course, dating others will help you prepare for being a better date for her when she comes along . . . and there's always the argument that you HAVE met the right woman (or, more accurately A Right Woman), you just haven't given her a chance yet because you're refusing to take her out.

Then, my friend, I had this thought: maybe the timing isn't right because there's something else you're supposed to be doing. Maybe you're supposed to be somewhere else . . . doing something else . . . and this feeling you have about not dating is really the Spirit trying to tell you that you need to do this thing, be in this place, at this time in your life.

See, what your describing is the same feeling my oldest son had . . . he really likes girls, and would love to be married someday, but he just didn't feel like dating. There was something else he was supposed to do. . . .

Do you see where I'm leading?

Maybe you're supposed to be on a Mission, my friend.

- Bro Jo

Readers Note: Guy Week - 3!

2012-01-08T07:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

We haven't had one in over a year, I think, so it's time for another one! All this week, and every day this week, letters only from guys.

Enjoy!

- Bro Jo

Dad is Distant

2012-01-06T07:00:00.031-07:00

Dear Bro Jo,

I know you mainly deal with relationship advice in the sense of a boy and girl liking each other and the trouble that ensues from that, but I was wondering if you could help me on another matter.

I'm 17, born and raised LDS. But my parents haven't necessarily been the greatest parents. I don't believe any parent can be a perfect parent but I am having issues with my father who can be a bit...distant. He opts to play a computer game, fix up the house with DIY projects or go out to movies while never really having one on one time with us. Whenever me or my mother brings this up with him, how he values the computer or fixing up the house more than his own family, he starts to threaten me. I'm not happy with the way things are done, but whenever I bring an issue up, I'm completely shut down.

Is there anything you think I could do to maybe better the situation?

- Name Withheld

Dear NW,

When people withdraw it's either because they feel the need to hide or because they're just not touchy-feely people.

If it's the second reason, we kind of just have to accept that as the way the person is. It's difficult for a huggy person to understand, but some folks just need personal space.

If it's the first reason . . . well, that's more difficult, especially if it's one of your parents and if the change seems sudden.

For some dads, when their daughters start to transition from "little girl" to "young woman" they don't know how to act. They're used to hugging, kissing and holding their baby girl, and it's weird for them that she's now, well . . . curvy. Girls can mistakenly interpret dad's new need for distance as "he doesn't love me anymore", which is not true, but understandable.

(Bro Jo Tangent: I got gray hair pretty early in life, so starting in my late 20's people began thinking that I'm much older than I am. Sister Jo and I met very young, and I used to have her High School Senior Class Portrait hanging in my office. I had to take it down when visitors started giving me weird looks when I told them that the girl in the picture was my wife, not my daughter. We live in a time that when people see an old guy with a younger, even much younger, girl they assume they're a couple; its one thing for people to think I "robbed the cradle" when I'm with Sister Jo - who, though she looks at least ten years younger than me, is really just over a year younger - when the Jo Girls get older, if somebody ever thought something like that it would really freak me out. Although, honestly, I think people will more likely think I'm their grandfather . . .)

Other times it can be that dad is struggling with something else.

Either way, I think the best thing for you to do is respect the distance and ask your mom to stop bringing it up. Ten, twenty years from now if you want to ask your dad about all of this, it may feel like the right time. Parents are rarely receptive to criticism and correction from their pre-married, pre-adult children. Confrontation will likely just make things worse. For now I say minimize the conflict.

Chalk this up as one of those things you want to do better than your parents.

And pray for your dad. Pray that you'll be patient and understanding and that he'll get over whatever his issue is.

Three other things:

1) Too many times girls react negatively to this stuff by going out and trying to replace the attention from dad with affection from a boy. Bad idea. Don't do that. Your value comes from God, not guys.

2) Not that I think it will, but if this situation becomes abusive, get out and get away. Go somewhere, to someone, where you can be safe and protected. It doesn't sound like you're there (though you did mention him lashing out), and you may never be, but no girl (or woman) should stay in a situation where they're in danger. In any abuse situation you have to protect yourself first before you can help anyone else, and that may mean leaving someone behind. Just so you know.

3) If this is really bad, and you'll need to do an honest assessment to know if this is real or exaggerated by teenage drama, then talk to your Bishop. It may be that something is going on with your dad Spiritually that the Bishop needs to help with.

Please keep me posted,

- Bro Jo

Are They "More Than Friends"?

2012-01-04T07:00:00.012-07:00

Dear Bro Jo,

So... I could give you the extremely long and drawn-out version of this story, or the quick summary.

I'm going with the summary.

Now, I'm fully aware of your rule "Guys can't be 'just close friends' with Girls" rule, and I must say I agree with it. However, there are exceptions to every rule, and I want to know if my situation is one of them-- or how I can tell.

Ok, so there's this guy. We'll call him Fred. Fred and I have known each other since we were primary-aged, and we are now YSA's. For the majority of the time we knew each other, we didn't speak. If we did, it was extremely rare and out of necessity. However, during the past year, he has suddenly begun to initiate conversations with me... which then turned into friendship... which have now become a close friendship. A few nights ago, we stayed up watching movies and chatting about life until the wee hours of the morning. He's had a few girlfriends during this time, but they never last long, and they never seem to stop him from wanting to hang out with me.

I guess I'm just wondering what is going on.

A part of me thinks he has feelings for me, but another part of me thinks I've just entered the Friend Zone with no hope of turning back. I know it's usually the guy friend who develops feeling for the girl, but I'm terrified that, in this case, it is me who has the feelings and he's completely fine with being just friends. I'm scared that if I confess that I think we should try to move beyond friendship, he'll completely reject me and things will be extremely awkward every Sunday for a very long time.

On the other hand, if he is interested in me, I'm scared that he will never do anything about it-- he's somewhat insecure, and when he has asked me to do things with him in the past (like going over his house after Institute) I completely turn him down 90% of the time. Not on purpose; I don't even realize what I've potentially done until the conversation is over. Plus, I may have mentioned once or twice that I am not interested in dating right now, I just want to concentrate on school (not completely true... but I was put on the spot and it just came out).

Basically, this is a very messy situation, and I don't really know how to fix it.... or if I should even bother trying.

~ Ms. Over-Analytical

P.S.-- If any details need clarification, ask and I would be happy to answer. =) I realize this was a lot of "stuff" pushed into a few paragraphs.

Dear Over,

I'm grateful I got the "quick summary"!

First of all, rules that have exceptions almost never exist; "Men Can't Stay 'Just Close Friends' with Women" is one of those for which there is NEVER an exception.

This guy likes you, as much more than a friend. If he didn't he wouldn't be spending the time with you that he is.

Now, whether or not he knows it or intends to ever do anything about it may be a totally different matter. For all I know you could be his backup or safety net. (Neither is good, by the way.)

One thing is certain, though: "watching movies and chatting until wee hours of the morning" is NOT a good idea.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Wow-- thank you for the response.

And for the record-- when I say "his" house, I really mean his parents' house-- meaning, we weren't alone. But, yes, it being so late probably wasn't the best of ideas. We should have cut it off earlier.

Is there anything I can do to help him along in either realizing it and/or doing anything about it?

- Over

Dear Over,

Yeah, um, TALK TO HIM.

Tell him how you feel and what you expect.

And, no, even at his parent’s house, staying up all night together is not good, whether you’re a “couple” or not. If anything it makes you seem, well . . . frankly, a little desperate and easy.

- Bro Jo

Inspired by Previous Columns to Repent, but Still Hesitant

2012-01-02T07:00:00.032-07:00

Dear Bro Jo,

If you combine both of those stories (Readers, the writer is referring to "Battling Pornography and Masturbation" and "Do Not Procrastinate"), you've pretty much got my situation. With a few added things though.

I am 19. I have been struggling with the same problems as these two other girls, and I know what I need to do to fix them, but the thing is, I'm scared. And I don't want people to know.

I don't want to tell my parents. I feel like my parents would go berserk. (I know they love me and just want to help me and would try to be supportive and understanding, but they haven't been very good at that with other, smaller things in the past.)

What I am wondering is if I am likely to be released from my callings if I tell my Bishop?

I don't think I can handle that. My calling is one of the few things providing me with strength to try and be better. I do much better at resisting the temptations when I am at school and fulfilling my calling.

The other thing is that if I am released from my calling, my sister will know because (specifics removed) we serve closely together. So if I am released, she will definitely know.
Even if I have to tell my parents, I absolutely do not want my sister to know.

So, what do I do?

I think I can handle telling my bishop, not having a temple recommend, and even not taking the sacrament, but I can't handle losing my calling.

I know you'll tell me that even if I do lose my calling, repenting is more important. But that calling is one of my major sources of strength.

So I guess my question is, do you think I would lose my calling if I admit everything to my Bishop?

- Name Withheld

Dear NW,

I'm not certain how long you've been reading "Dear Bro Jo", but one thing that I always promise my readers is that I love them too much not to give it to them straight . . . so here goes . . .

I have no idea if you'll be released from your calling or not. You very well may be. You need to trust your Bishop to know what the Lord needs you to do, calling or not. When you meet with him, tell him how you feel. Tell him everything you've told me. Trust him to be inspired to know what to do. And, frankly - and please understand this - it doesn't matter.

I know you love what you're doing, and I'm proud of you for being eager to serve, but right now in your life your service, should you need to be released, just isn't as important as making things right with God.

I totally understand that a release may lead to murmuring and questions and stuff. And I understand that it could be hard to live through. But that doesn't matter either.

Not in the grand scheme of things.

Because right now, my friend, you're living a lie. And that lie is hurting you more than you've admitted to yourself. Sure, you feel guilt and remorse and regret, but look at what you're NOT feeling. What are you going to do when the next Temple Recommend interview comes up? Lie to your Bishop, your Stake President and your God?

You're not feeling the Spirit like you should. You're clinging to the calling because it helps you to feel better; I totally get that. But how much longer do you want to deny yourself the blessings of constantly feeling the Spirit? How much longer are you going to put off doing what you know will ultimately make you feel better?

Six months from now, if a young man comes into your life and wants to take you to the Temple to be sealed for Time and All Eternity, do you want to put that off, perhaps missing the chance forever, because you failed to make things right now, when you're prompted to do so?

If you'll forgive the Titanic reference: you're refusing to leave the sinking ship because as long as you're on board then you don't have to feel the sting of the icy water. But if you don't jump in the ocean and head for the lifeboat you're going to drown. The ship is going down, and all the excuses you make are just that . . . excuses.

You're worried about your mom and your sister, and maybe even your Bishop a little . . .

Again, I hear you.

But you're missing the point. The one you need to worry about not being happy with you is the one who loves you most, the one who already knows your struggles, your pains, your fears . . . the one who knows everything you're suffering . . . and yet all you need to do to be back in full fellowship with Him is to put Him first. Before your mom. Before your sister. Before your Bishop. And before yourself.

Any conversation you have with your Bishop will be confidential unless you give permission otherwise. (Contrary to popular Church myth, Good Bishops don't even tell their wives. True story.) He may suggest to you that you tell your mom or sister so they can be a support network for you, but he won't force you to do anything.

Please call and make an appointment with your Bishop right away.

Right now, while you feel the Spirit telling you to do so.

When you meet with him, be honest and complete. Pray before your meeting that you'll have the courage to come forth with everything that he needs to hear so he can help you.

Don't worry about the calling. Focus on making things right with the Lord.

However difficult it may be, it will be SO worth it to have all of this behind you.

The water may be cold, but it's much better than going down with the ship.

Emily, I love the Lord, and I have a testimony of the Power of the Atonement!

Don't put off allowing the Lord's blessings in your life any longer.

Please make the call.

- Bro Jo

PS: If I can help you at any time, in any way . . . I'm always here for you. Let me know how it goes.

When Its Time to Move On - Part 2

2011-12-29T07:00:00.027-07:00

Dear Readers,

A year ago today I posted a letter from "Pickled" who had a problem with this guy who was being a real jerk. I told her to move on. (You can read the original letter and my response HERE.)

What I didn't share with you then is that she wrote me AGAIN, less than a month later, still having problems with the SAME GUY!

Her second email and my response (from over a year ago) follow. The goal is not to pick on her or single her out here (she's since moved on . . . several times, I think) but to provoke discussion.

Why do you think people, especially young people, stay involved with people that are a cancer in their lives, especially when their still young and single?

Post appropriate comments below.

Happy New Year!

- Bro Jo

Hey Bro Jo,

It's me again! Same guy, almost same problem, but I just need your advice.

The weekend after this message was exchanged, I went home to visit family and friends, and this guy was there. We all got together as friends to go to the cinema to see the new Harry Potter film. I'd already told him I needed to talk with him, and he'd agreed, but that he didn't want me to 'reject him in front of everybody else'. As it happens, we didn't have time to talk privately about it all weekend, but when we were with all our friends, he was trying really hard to stick close with me, whereas I was trying really hard to do the opposite.

I felt like a child, like I was being stupid about cooties or something! All our friends were aware something was up, but me and this guy have had our fair share of 'scenes' before, so they just ignored it. I think my actions over that weekend really puzzled him. Then, the following week when we'd both returned to our respective Universities, I stayed silent until he called me, at which point I explained that I didn't think we should talk anymore, because the friendship/relationship thing we had was unhealthy.

He was confused, but I think so hurt that he just accepted it. Since then we haven't spoken or texted or anything.

I didn't really think of him at all, except sometimes when I'd feel a bit guilty that I wasn't so troubled by this new gap in my life. Upon reflection, I think I felt a little freer, to be honest, and felt that I could build more relationships with the YSA in my Branch and focus more on things right in front of me. At one point he wrote a facebook status saying 'wishing someone would stop being an idiot and call me', which I wouldn't have even seen if one of our mutual friends hadn't texted me to point out that he was obviously talking about me. I was pretty certain that she knew all about it (she and another friend had gone to visit him at Uni) and I had a hunch that he'd asked her to mediate between us and alert me to this message. I pointed this out to her, and her silence on the subject after that pretty much confirmed that.

Last night, however, I was running the YSA FHE in my Branch and I got a call from him. I let it ring; I had a valid excuse for not picking up and I didn't call him back when I became free. Then this evening he called me again and asked me to go on Skype. He sounded upset, and I couldn't think of an excuse, so I said yes. He told me that my reasons for abandoning him didn't make sense, that he didn't have romantic feelings for me anymore, that I obviously didn't care about him as much as he cared about me because I hadn't missed him at all (which, to be fair, is true - I hadn't particularly missed him. But I basically remained silent and talked only when I had to. It was really awkward).

He reasoned that because he doesn't have romantic feelings for me anymore, that we can just be friends again. I told him that I thought girl/guy relationships were unhealthy and didn't work, which he again found ridiculous. He demanded to know if I'd cut myself off from all my other guy friends - which I've not - but the difference is, I rarely speak to these guys. The people he named, I text them once a fortnight, if at all. I tried to explain the difference, and also tried to explain about your blog. I'd mentioned it before to him when we'd still been speaking, so he knew what I meant.

I sent him the link to your blog and told him to read. We hung up there.

It wasn't a good-feeling conversation. I just find it really hard to tell him exactly what I mean because I feel like I'm telling him contradictory things all the time, like I have double standards. He's accusing me of being unfeeling, and sometimes I wonder the same. I just lost a really good friend; why am I not sadder about this? The only thing I seem to be worried about is possibly having to mingle in the future because we have the same friends!

I used to want him to be a member of the Church so I could date him and it'd all be okay. That went down the drain completely, and I'm beginning to think that what's happened between us, and my reasons for it all, will turn him against the Church completely. I know he'll never accept the teachings from my mouth, but I used to hope that maybe he'd listen to someone else because of his association with me might make him curious. Now I think he hates God and the Church even more. That worries and saddens me more than anything, and I don't know how to fix it.

That was a long rant! I would say sorry, but I think you're used to it! Haha

Sorry all the same,

- Pickled

Dear Pickled,

I think this guy is a cancer in your life. What kind of friend consistently belittles another friend's beliefs and faith? What kind of potential boyfriend mocks you, demands that you put his feelings first, and expects you to do the calling?

You said you didn't mean to make him sound like a jerk, and you didn't, but he is.

First of all, friend or not, you need to stop initiating the contact. If he wants to talk, let him do the calling. People call me "outdated" about this all the time, I don't care. When a girl calls a guy, especially consistently and, in your case, on demand, she gives him too much power over her. It's true now, was true 20, 50, and 100 years ago, and it will be true in the future.

Another thing you need to realize is that this guy may "want" you (um . . . to be his girlfriend . . .), but he doesn't respect you. He thinks your faith is dumb and that you're dumb for living your life that way. No man will ever love a woman he doesn't respect. As a friend or otherwise.

Now, I will say that I think something more may be going on here with him. He may truly think you're dumb and is trying to convert you to his way of thinking, perhaps as some kind of power play; he may also be, although inappropriately, begging for you to testify to him of the truth, perhaps because deep down he knows you're right and he knows that he needs to repent and get his act together. However, even if the latter is the case, it IS NOT a good idea to date someone in hopes of spiritually saving them. People need to be converted from within, not because they have a romantic interest in someone.

This is going to be painful, and it will likely get ugly. Better to deal with it now than to drag it out.

(By the way, I don't agree with this guy that you've been stringing him along. That is, however, further proof that "Guys Can't Stay Just Close Friends with Girls"; you think you're just being nice, he thinks you're acting like you have strong romantic feelings for him.)

Stop calling. Stop writing. If he calls or writes, respond, but he has to make the initial effort Every Single Time. When he's belligerent or insulting cut him off. Hang up. You must demand that he place you on a pedestal of respect. I believe that when you stop letting him badger and manipulate you he'll go away (that's what bullies do). He'll either do that or change (but be cognizant that real change takes time; it doesn't happen in a phone call, weekend or month).

If he asks you out, tell him no. If he acts hurt or bewildered, be kind but aloof. If he asks you why, tell him that you feel strongly about being Sealed for Time and All Eternity in the Temple to a worthy priesthood holder who loves you, who respects you, and who will treat you like a princess and a daughter of God, (which you and every woman is entitled to, by the way). Tell him that you're no longer a child and you're at a point in your life right now where it makes no sense to spend any romantic energy on someone who can't give you what you want.

Don't tone it down. Don't make excuses. Don't try to spare his feelings or give him false hope.

Be clear. Be strong. Be faithful and determined.

With guys "no" has to be very clear and said specifically. Anything else can be heard as "try harder" or "maybe later". Yes, we're just that obstinate (or dumb, if you prefer).

You deserve eternal happiness, and catering to a little boy's ego and demands is not the way to get there.

- Bro Jo

Cheese Update - Part 3 (Cheese Checking In and Telling It Like It Is)

2011-12-28T07:00:00.049-07:00

Dear Readers,

Three days of "Cheese" updates, three days in a row.

This is Part 3.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Guess what!

I've been 16 for WEEKS now, and have been on actual, live dates! Hooray!

Most of them have been amazing and fun and wonderful and praiseworthy and of good report and lovely. In the course of such dates, though, I've had a few "stinkers" from which I've learned some things that you might want to share with your readers, particularly the young men. So, without further ado...here is:

Cheese's List of

"What not to do when going out on a date with Mac, Cheese, or any other high school girl"

1. Don't lie! One guy asked me on a date by whining to my mom that he had asked me out every weekend for a month and claimed I had told him I was busy every time. In reality he had asked me to "hang out" once, and I couldn't because I had a game to cheer at. Um...first off, I don't "hang out' with guys. (Bro Jo says not to.) But second, and more important, just don't lie. Not cool. (And bonus uncool points for crying to Mommy about it. Seriously!)

2. Have a plan. Bro Jo says to. A guy once showed up at my house with no double and no plan, and said he wanted to "spend some time, just the two of us alone." I guess he *may* have had a plan in mind, but not one that *I* was ok with. I walked him to the door and said "If you can get a double in the next few minutes, I'd love to still go out with you." Funny thing...within about 20 minutes he managed to find one. Miracles can happen for the motivated.

3. Don't change plans. But if you must change plans, let me know! One kid showed up for the date TWO HOURS early! It was for a day date, too, so he arrived at ten a.m. instead of noon. PLEASE! I want to look nice for you! I need time to get "cutified" (as my little sister would say.) Which brings me to #4....

4. Personal Hygiene . . . get some. The guy who showed up in an undershirt, who had come straight from the gym... uh... Y'all, I don't care how much you work out and how many abs you have...I DO NOT want to smell you right after the workout! (Ok...I maybe *do* care a little about how much you work out, and the abs and stuff...but SHOWER!)

It's really best if your car is clean, too--not just tidy and vacuumed, but also keep the music clean and at a volume where we can hear each other. It's hard for me to keep you smiling and laughing if we can't have a conversation.

5. Don't ditch me for another girl in the middle of the date. This hasn't actually happened to me, but it happened to my friend. If you don't want to go out with me, DON'T ASK! I promise I'll spend the whole date paying attention to you. You should return the favor.

6. Hand holding...you will know if I want to. Promise. If I am sitting on my hands, don't make a grab for them! Kissing...uh, yeah, again, you will know. But if you're not sure, ask. It's sweet and adorable. Making out...not with me, not with the girl you ditched me for. And certainly not with the candy bar you bought from a vending machine to demonstrate your patented technique. You have ruined snickers bars for me forever.

7. Don't confess your sins to me. I do not need or want to know that you are a porn addict, or gay, or what you have done with previous girls, or...any of that. It makes me want to run away screaming! Tell it to your bishop and/or parents. That's what I'm gonna try to convince you to do anyway.

8. Don't ask me to be your girlfriend, wait for you while you're on your mission, or marry you. (Seriously, Bro Jo, I've had all of these things happen to me in the last few weeks; what is WRONG with these guys? Why would they do that? Why do they turn crazy/stupid when talking to girls?)

The answer's gonna be "NO!" and then my friends, mother, and I will mock you mercilessly behind your back for weeks. I'm SIXTEEN! Why would I waste my most fun dating years by putting myself in some kind of lockdown? Casual group dates are awesome! I love them! Girls in "relationships" never get to go on them. If for some reason you find yourself uncontrollably, madly in love with me, take a deep breath and...go out with someone else. We can always go out again later when you've got it under control.

That's pretty much it. I'll get you a list of all the GREAT things that guys have done WELL soon, too. Because there are lots of them, and good stuff is worth copying/stealing, right?

I hope everything's going great for you & your family & that y'all have a merry christmas!

Cheese

Dear Cheese,

As I know you know, sometimes I get letters from young people who are struggling with what, in a spiritual sense, we might call "big ticket items". I don't mind, and hope I'm being helpful, but it can be a bit . . . well, let's just say that some of them weigh pretty heavy on the soul. You're email brought some much appreciated joy and laughter!

A brilliantly written and humorous dose of reality that I hope many boys AND girls will enjoy and learn from. Thank you for sharing it with me, and for allowing me to share it with my readers.

Merry Christmas!

Best to you and your family,

(Tell Chunka I hope he's paying attention!)

- Bro Jo

PS: For the record, I have NO IDEA what the heck is wrong with some of these guys (see esp. #8, above) other than their fathers and YM leaders have done a lousy job of training them (or, perhaps, haven't trained them at all).

Cheese Update - Part 2 (Cheese Has a Dance-Date)

2011-12-27T07:00:00.026-07:00

Dear Readers,

Three days of "Cheese" updates, three days in a row.

This is Part 2.

- Bro Jo

Aloha, Bro Jo!

Hope all is well with you.

So, Cheese's big 16 is coming up in a few weeks, and I've got a question about her first date. I don't think this is something likely to come up too often, but still curious as to what you think.

She was asked to a formal dance by an EFY brother (who seems like a very nice kid) and Big Cheese and I agree that she's fine to go with him. Trouble is, he lives out of state and is flying up to take her out. He's staying with family that live close to our house, but this kind of threw some wrinkles in our planned dating rules, since he doesn't know many people in our area. So what's your take on out-of-state dates? Specifically:

1) Do you feel like an adult chaperon would be an acceptable substitute for a group? In this circumstance, Cheese was able to connect him in with a group of guy friends from her school who are planning on asking other girls, so the group is set up. But in the future, might an adult supervisor be acceptable? Cheese proposed having Daddy as chaperone might work. What do you think of that?

2) Logistics are kind of complex, since 17 year olds are not allowed to rent cars! Usually we would expect the guy to plan, pickup, & pay. In this case, what if Cheese does the driving? That's the easiest solution, since she has a car. But if for some reason it's *really* problematic for the girl to drive, we can probably figure out something with one of the other guys in the group doing the chauffeur-ing.

3) Ordinarily Big Cheese and I would want to meet this kid well before any planned date. But...he lives far away. We've talked to him and his parents on the phone, and his EFY counselor has highly recommended him, and we absolutely insist on some get-to-know-him time when he arrives in town, but do you think a half an hour the day of the date is ok? Or should we insist on meeting him when he gets into town on Friday before the dance on Saturday?

It seems kinda strange to me that we need to figure out rules for out-of-state dates, but there are actually a couple other scenarios where I could see this happening. Weird, eh?

Thanks for your help!

Mama Cheese

Dear Mama Cheese,

Aloha to you and Big Cheese!

The out-of-state thing IS weird, it CAN be complicated, but it does happen, most-often associated with formal dances and first dates (go figure). You and Big Cheese are absolutely right on target with you've planned (no surprise), and not making many of the grievous errors that many of your peers make (again, no surprise).

To your questions:

1) While Sister Jo and I have, on very rare occasions, been the "double" in the double date (only ever because the date was important to the Jo Kid involved and the other double backed out at the last minute), and I don't personally have a problem with a chaperon, kids find it very lame. I applaud Cheese for suggesting it, but my general answer is "don't". If you do, make it cool (like have him play "limo driver") or make it also a date for the two of you.

2) One of the other guys needs to drive. I've never had reason to bring this up before, so I appreciate this opportunity: when a young lady is driving the car and a young man is in the front seat it puts her in a vulnerable position. Flattering though it may be, if he doesn't have to watch the road, he can stare at her; plus, because she has to control the car, her hands are not available for defense . . . if needed. (Nice guy or not, a guy is still a guy.)

3) There are two reasons we want to know the people our children date: A) so that both kids understand that we support dating, but expect certain standards to be followed (a guy is significantly more likely to be a gentleman if he can easily visualize the girl's father saying "please take good care of my daughter and treat her with respect"), and B) so a parent can kill the date if necessary. We have to be very careful hitting the "kill" switch; son or daughter, a parent runs the risk of what I call the "Romeo and Juliet" syndrome when a potential date or romance gets squashed. In this case, since it’s highly unlikely you're going to kill the date (you've already gotten reliable recommendations and talked to both the young man and his parents, plus, really, the boy is coming all this way . . . he'd have to look like Charlie Sheen from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" before you gave an adamant "no") so I think in this case the 1/2 hour before is fine. Now, if it's not a huge hassle, meeting him the day he comes in is great, I just wouldn't say it's required.

All of this of course gets back to the principle of "Casual Group Dating". (I guess, to be specific, this is more like "Formal-Casual Group Dating" . . .) With Cheese being in a Good Group, you and Big Cheese doing your due diligence, it sounds to me like all systems are go!

Tell Cheese I said "hello", and I hope she has a wonderful time.

Oh, before I forget, while we're on the topic of "leaving the state for a date", as a parent, I'd never under any circumstances allow my minor child to go on a date that far from home. Guy or girl. You and Big Cheese are fine. His parents are morons.

Think about it this way: five years from now, when Chunka is 12 months away from a mission, if he comes to you and says "hey, Mom and Dad, I want to fly out-of-state next month and take this girl you've never met to her homecoming", would you say "that's a great idea, son!"

No way.

You'd say "write her a letter, Captain Wanderlust, and date girls that live close enough that we can see them".

Not that Cheese isn't great, or that you have anything to worry about . . . with her or in the case of Chunka . . . but, like you said . . . at the very least, it's weird. At worst, it's really bad.

When the out-of-staters come to you, that's one thing, sending your own kid out of state is quite another.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Thanks for the thoughts! I especially agree on the part about sending our kids out of state on a date.

There's *NO* way Big Cheese would EVER let that happen. Although I can foresee circumstances where we'd allow our daughter to go on a date when she *was* out of state, even without us being there. For example, if she were visiting Mac in (location withheld), and Mac's mom and dad recommended the date (Mac's mom was my college roommate, Mac's dad was Big Cheese's best friend since 5th grade AND college roommate AND Young Men's president in his ward so he knows those guys pretty well.)

And I'm pretty sure Chunka will be too unattractive to ever successfully get a date...hahaha! Plus he hasn't the discipline to save the funds necessary. LOL--he always owes Cheese money, and she charges him interest!

Thanks again!

Mama Cheese

Dear Mama Cheese,

Chunka unattractive? You wish, Mom! He's already got that "hey, baby" gleam in his eye - Good Luck!

- Bro Jo

Cheese Update - Part 1 (Cheese Will Be Dating Soon and Has Lots of Plans)

2011-12-26T07:00:00.043-07:00

Dear Readers,

Three days of "Cheese" updates, three days in a row.

This is Part 1.

- Bro Jo

Hello again, Bro Jo!

I hope all is well in the Jo household. The Big Cheese family is happily anticipating another busy season and reminding our darling 15 year old daughter that her birthday (and hence dating) is still a few weeks away.

"Cheese" is certainly not the only one counting down the days until the magical event. I'm a little bit surprised that her calendar is already filled in with quite a few dates for the ensuing weeks after her birthday. Which is fine. Big Brother laughs at them all and says "if they want to get in line to see her now, it's their business. My business is to take bribes to move them up in the order. It's lucrative business, too."

So my question is about her dating guys in LDS limbo-land--those who have graduated high school but are still pre-mission. Two guys in particular stand out. One is a very sweet, super obedient "Peter Priesthood" type who will be starting BYU (full scholarship)soon. He just turned 18, graduated high school with honors, Eagle Scout, youth volunteer, has a job, will be living at home to save $ (paying for the entire mission himself) etc etc etc. Big Cheese &Mama Cheese love Pete! And he clearly & obviously has a thing for Dear Daughter. So should we allow the two of them to go on casual group dates after her birthday? Or is the high-school/college/age barrier an inviolate deal-breaker?

Guy number two...I don't like so much. He's headed off to the Y, too, also living at home to save $ tho not focused at all on a mission, and is, in fact undecided whether he wants to go. He's kindhearted, brilliant and talented, and is closer in age. He's also clingy, extremely emotionally needy and rather immature. So...once again, do we allow them to go on casual group dates after she turns sixteen? Or do we just say "No, he's in college, you're only in high school. Forget it."

There are a couple other of Big Brother's pre-mish buddies who have graduated high school who also look interested in asking Cheese out once the b-day arrives, so I can see this being an area where we need some clear guidance and ground rules.

It seems problematic for those poor preemie freshmen; they definitely shouldn't be serious single dating. But the frosh sisters generally have moved past casual group dates. So if the lads can't date girls their own age and also can't date girls still in high school, they seem kinda stuck. However, it also seems to me that college freshmen dating high school sisters is a recipe for trouble.

I keep hoping that once these guys are off to the Y, where there's a campus filled with lovely, talented, amazing, slightly-older-than-Cheese young ladies, they'll promptly move on and drop her like a flaming charcoal. But I'm also not blind or stupid and can see that whenever we manage to chase one away, two more appear to fill his place. So...advice, please.

Mama Cheese

Dear Mama Cheese,

My rule is that a pre-19, pre-mish guy is still a Casual Group Dater. By definition he kind of has to be. If he's really focused on serving, then Serious Single Dating is not a good idea, but we can't expect him to be a monk, either.

As parents we run a real risk when we try to dictate who are kids' friends are; even more so when we tell them whom not to date.

Unless they ask.

Even then you have to be careful. I know more than one 30+ year old unmarried Mormon who had several opportunities to marry someone decent but chose not to pursue because mom and dad had a history of being overly critical (often unjustly so) when it came to possible dates and romances.

Unless the guy is dangerous or she has a legitimate reason for not going, if he asks, she should go. Being overly selective at a young age, in my opinion, leads to kids pairing off, which we don't want to encourage (even though we know it happens). Guy number 1 is a good choice, so sure she should date him; guy number 2 isn't as promising, but if he's willing to follow the rules I think going out with him should be allowed.

For you and Big Mac it's a teaching opportunity. When her dates are over you can talk to her about why she thinks one guy is better than another. I'll bet she sees the same things you do. But at the very least, if you ask and respect her opinions then she's more likely to ask you for yours. And that's a VERY good thing.

There's nothing wrong with saying "he seems like a really nice guy, and I'm glad he treated you well, but he doesn't seem to have much of a testimony or willingness to put the Lord first in his life".

If it's true, of course.

One last thing: just because a girl is 16 and gets asked out a lot, that doesn't mean she has to overload her schedule with dates.

I get lots of "how do I get him to ask me out letters", as you know, but the opposite issue is also legitimate. Church, Family, School and other obligations often need to come first. A "one date a week", or "two dates a month" policy in your home might be appropriate. Heck, as busy as Cheese is, once a month might be plenty of social activity.

But I'll bet she pushes for 2-4.

Best of luck, mom; it's just gets more and more fun from here!

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

You are pure genius! Seriously! I have no idea why the thought of limiting quantities of dates never occurred to the CheeseHeads, but we LOVE your suggestion!

We looked at your dating rules from a different perspective, and established that four dates a month would be a reasonable maximum. This allows for more than one a week in certain date-heavy times of year (like prom, homecoming, etc) while forcing more reasonable expectations overall. Thank you! We have granted exception to the policy for the already-scheduled activities in the 6 weeks after her birthday; she may go to all of those, since it would be rude to cancel. But after that, the new plan kicks it.

Now the only ground rule I think we still need to establish is something about how far in advance those 4-a-month can be scheduled. It seems a bit crazy to me that lads would already be staking out time on the calendar for things that are months and months away! What do you suggest would be a reasonable maximum time in advance for an ask? I think 6 weeks should generally be plenty for a formal event requiring expensive wardrobe enhancement (ie prom) and maybe 3 or 4 weeks for ordinary activities?

Many thanks, as well, for the College Boys vs. RM Men perspective. I'm feeling much more comfortable with allowing Peter Priesthood, Tortured Genius, and several other lads in the College Boys category some limited access. As long as it stays casual group dating, following the rules, it seems like it should be ok. Since Cheese has acquired a job right across the street from the frosh dorms in Provo, plus Big Bro starts soon, too, so it seems likely that she will meet quite a few CB's in the near future, and having a plan for interacting with them seems most reasonable. Now we are prepared; we shall not fear.

Thanks again!

Mama Cheese

Dear Mama Cheese,

"Over planning" is actually kind of creepy, and it can really cramp a girl's style.

With the Jo Boys (to look at this from the "guy asking" point of view), we've encouraged them to ask a girl no more than one-week in advance for regular Casual Group Dates. If it's a girl's First Date, and the boy really wants to be that First Date (and who wouldn't?!?) then we've said 3-4 weeks can be okay, particularly if it coincides with an event (like a county fair or concert). But I think they'd tell you that they were more successful waiting until two weeks out or less for those "she's turning 16" dates.

For Formal Dates, like Prom, we've told the boys to ask 7-10 weeks in advance. There's a ton of planning to do, and frankly if you wait too long (like only a month before) it gets really difficult to find a date. Not that all the good ones are gone by that point, but knowing who's still dateless is really difficult.

(We had one disaster where a girl accepted a Prom invitation from our son, then cancelled two weeks before the big dance; that was a tragedy. He got a date, but not without a lot of effort.)

We try to have "Family Council" in our home on Sunday evenings. The first thing we do is go over everyone's schedule for the next 4-8 weeks (Sister Jo keeps them on a "Master Calendar"). At that time upcoming date plans are mentioned, even if whom the boy is taking out has not yet been decided. We might know that six weeks from now, when a particular movie is coming out, and between this event and that game, that one of the boys is planning a Casual Group Date, but he may not actually ask anyone until the Sunday before.

(Note to guys: the Jo Boys say that asking a girl out on Sunday or Monday is best because it's not so soon that you seem creepy and far enough away to build excitement. Plus, and they say this is a big deal, those days present the best opportunities to ask a girl out when you're less likely to have friend and weekly drama to deal with.)

To switch that back to the girl's perspective, except for formal dances, I don't think she should accept any dates more than 4 weeks out. What if her plans change? What if something comes up? What if . . .

In fact, if she wanted to have fun with it, Cheese could make it known that she'll only agree to go on dates with guys that ask her in person, one to two weeks in advance, on Sunday, between 4:30pm and 5:15, and even then only if they meet with Big Mac's approval.

HA!

Seriously, if Cheese is inundated with date requests, and since she plans all of her dates at this point to be group ones, one thing she can do to dodge the boys she's less interested in, and I really mean this, is to say "you know I can't go that night because I already have a date" (if it's true of course) "but you should ask my friend" (and then name someone specifically whom she think would like to be asked out). This little bit of covert matchmaking will help her get out of some dates and perhaps cheer some friends as well.

Oh, and while I'm thinking about it, particularly with those CBs, make sure you meet them and you know (and can confirm) who else is in the Group going on the Casual Date.

- Bro Jo

PS: Thanks for the Scripture reference!

Sexting - Part 4

2011-12-24T07:00:00.016-07:00

[Readers: The following letter is part of a series we're running Saturday's this month from a reader dealing with a problem with Sexting. This is part 4 of 4. - Bro Jo]

Dear NW,

Well . . . how's it going?

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

He told me that I needed to repent and I did so and I changed my phone number and told the boy not to do it again and he hasn't. I also don't have any more classes with him. Which helped a lot.

- NW

Dear NW,

That's wonderful!

How do you feel?

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

A million times better. Last week I was worthy enough to do baptisms :)

- NW

Dear NW,

That's great!!!!

I'm so happy for you!

And very proud of you.

- Bro Jo

Is 19 Too Young for Her to Marry?

2011-12-23T07:00:00.001-07:00

Dear Bro Jo,

I'm 19 and I'm in a relationship with someone incredible. We've been dating about a year now, since I met him at the university we're attending. Our relationship is heading quickly towards an engagement. I know this is the person I want to marry and spend eternity with. The only problem is that everyone (and by everyone, I mean my parents, church leaders, elders, etc.) keep telling me that 19 is too young to get married; To wait until I'm 21, 22... Some have gone as far as to say that it's a lot more likely that my marriage will end up in divorce or separation if I get married so young. They've even supported themselves with legit scientific studies and statistics. I'm really at a cross roads, because I know this is the person I want to marry.

But I don't want to wait a year or two. I feel like that's just reckless, because Satan is only trying to keep us from a temple marriage, and it gets harder every day that we spend together and get closer to each other to behave appropriately. Not that we've done anything we shouldn't, but you know- the passion and temptation is definitely there.

Anyway, my point is- is it really that detrimental to my future to get married at 19? Is it really that big a deal? I want to do things the right way and I really don't see how a couple years is going to change the nature of our relationship, except to give us more room for error.

Sincerely,

Too Young?

Dear Old Enough,

You don't mention where you're from, or if there are some cultural reasons peopele are telling you to wait, but in general I say no, 19 is not "too young" for a young woman to marry. I consider maturity and commitment more important than age.

Now, perhaps that's what the people who love you are trying to tell you, in an albeit too indirect way: that you're too immature to marry. I don't know you, so I have no idea, but a mature woman would certainly give prayerful ponderance to something so many people who do know her are saying.

You may need to just come out and ask these people what's wrong with this guy; if they're seeing something you don't, you better find out soon. (I hope they love you enough to tell you the truth, even if you don't want to hear it.)

I'm not a huge believer in statistics. I do believe in long courtships and short engagements.

A couple should date long enough to know each other well, ask each other the big questions (see "Bro Jo's List of Stuff You Need to Know Before You Get Engaged" and feel confident that you've looked for any serious danger signs (see "Bro Jo's Five A's of Why Not to Marry THAT Person" in "Bro Jo's Guide to Relationships").

But you're totally correct; once a couple decides to get married, I say pull the trigger fast before the Temple is no longer an option.

You will both definitely change over the next couple years, nothing you can do about that. Change is constant. But I agree, if you're truly informed and ready to marry now, 19 is not too young.

- Bro Jo

What Kind of "Relationships" are OK at 15?

2011-12-21T07:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Bro Jo,

I am a girl who just turned 15 years old last week, so I am not quite of dating age.
All the guys around me (other than at Stake activities) are not LDS, because I live in a Midwestern state where there are not many members, and the entire youth in my branch is made up of me and 4 other girls.

So... since I'm not allowed to go out on Casual Group Dates yet, what type of relationships am I supposed to have with guys?

I have quite a few guy friends (some of whom are closer to me than my female friends), and I recognize that many of them have feelings for me that are more than friendship (and I have crinkles on quite a few of them as well). Is there anything wrong with going places with guys outside of school?

I mean, I'm not allowed to go on dates, and you say that "hanging out" with guys is a bad idea. I'm just confused on what type of contact IS allowed!

My other question is: how am I supposed to act around guys who have girlfriends?

I don't know if I'm allowed to flirt with them, or talk to them, or if I can invite them to activities with me and other friends if their girlfriend doesn't come with us, because I don't want to make the girlfriend jealous, but lots of times the girlfriend doesn't care... The whole idea confuses me.

Any help you would have to give me on either subject would be wonderful!

(Name Withheld)

Dear NW,

Let me clarify a few things for you.

1. "Relationships" should wait until after you're out of high school; before then they bring with them too much drama and temptation.

2. I say that "hanging out" is bad once you're a Young Single Adult; as a teenager I highly recommend movie parties, game nights, and other group activities; the only caveat is that the numbers should be uneven and there should be no pairing.

3. There's nothing wrong with going places with guys outside of school so long as you're not the only girl and it's clearly a group activity, not a date.

4. You can flirt with whomever you want, but realize that you girls are very territorial, and the quickest way to become hated by all the other girls at school is to hit on everyone else's boyfriend. Regardless of your perception or what she may say, the girlfriend ALWAYS cares.

Don't rush into the next phase of life; enjoy being 15, it will quickly be gone.

- Bro Jo

PS: If you check the website you'll see that I have a special tag called "Letters from 15-year Old Girls" - check it out!

Dear Bro Jo,

Thank you very much for the quick response! Your answers help me a lot.

I really appreciate that you do this, and I read your column regularly.

I have you have a great start to the new year!

NW

Dear NW,

Anytime!

- Bro Jo

Christmas Gifts

2011-12-19T07:00:00.006-07:00

Dear Bro Jo,

I have always done Christmas gifts for friends. Now that I am sixteen and can date, and it is Christmas, what are some good ideas of things to give girls?

I have known all of them for a while, and we are all good friends. Should that affect what i give? Should I do anything?

Sincerely,

Santa's Elf

Dear Elf,

I've made many, many gift-giving mistakes, with friends, girl friends, family . . . and now Sister Jo and the Jo Kids. (My Sister and I have birthdays two days apart, so she and I used to go to a music store together, pick out our own birthday gifts, swap at the register, and then swap back and say "happy birthday, I love you and thanks!) I'm so bad that it makes me nervous, so I always defer to Sister Jo for help.

She says this "when giving gifts to opposite sex friends, especially in your teens, the best thing to do is keep it simple and inexpensive".

Even if you're "in a relationship" (which I dont recommend) or trying to be in one (also not a good idea) you should still focus more on the spirit of giving than the specialness of the gift. Remember that often when peoplr are given gifts they feel obligated to reciprocate, even more so if the gift received is a big deal, and that's not what you want. At that point the gift can even be repelant.

Things Homemade are a great idea, and personable. Cookies, fudge, candy, picture frames, or a small momento that reflects a good time had together are all great ideas.

Happy Christmas!

- Bro Jo

Sexting - Part 3

2011-12-17T07:00:00.012-07:00

[Readers: The following letter is part of a series we're running Saturday's this month from a reader dealing with a problem with Sexting. This is part 3 of 4. - Bro Jo]

Bro Jo,

Thanks for the help, I get what you’re trying to say and I understand that your wife is in the loop, I meant like your blog wise. And I am safe.

As the situation with my uncle I feel bad because I feel as if I destroyed his life, yes I know that he did the things to put him in jail but I feel like by turning him in I had a part in it.

I know that I shouldn’t feel sorry for turning him in what so ever but I am just that kind of young woman. I generally always put others before myself. I have never been raped but he made me feel extremely uncomfortable and touched me in places I knew only my spouse should be touching.

I don't really try to bottle things up. I guess in my opinion it just hurts less than admitting the truth. I know that’s bad but sometimes I can’t help it.

I know what the boy did was harmful. That was my reasoning for asking for your advice. I just, I already have enough emotional drama in my life I do not want to stir anything up that I have anyway in controlling. I know that isn’t what I should be doing but it’s all that I am willing to do right now.

Do you think it would be alright if I just tell my bishop and have him help me with this situation without getting anyone else involved?

I really don't want this going any further than it already has. But I mostly do not want this getting to the police.

Or my dad.

Thanks,

- Name Withheld

Dear NW,

I hope you don't feel like I'm pushing too hard . . .

Yes, I think telling your Bishop is a Wonderful idea. And I think you should share with him your concerns about your father and the police knowing. (And if I can help in any way there, you know I will, right?)

By the way, I've yet to mention something I'd like you to know: I'm very proud of you for doing your best to be active even though your family is not. I promise that you'll be blessed for your dedication AND that, through your faithfulness, your family will be blessed as well.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Of course not, you are just trying to help. =]

And okay. I will tell my bishop. And I know you will help in any way. Thank you for that.

I am making a little progress in getting them active. Last night my step mom ACTUALLY listened in on a missionary discussion. I’m making progress =]

- NW

P.S. After I speak with my bishop I will tell you what he said.

When You're 15 and You Like Someone

2011-12-14T07:00:00.004-07:00

Dear Bro Jo.

First I apologize English is no my main language, so I'm Sorry, if it's hard to read this. I'll do my best.

There's a boy in my stake I like. But he lives far away, 3 hours to drive (where I live Stakes are larger than in US).

I'm turning 15 soon and he's fifteen.

Well I've known him many years, because we have some mutual friends in his ward.
Over a year ago I saw him on Stake Dance, and asked him to dance. We had good time with.

Little later I noticed he can be interested in me, and I had a crush on him.
We see each other about once a month or little rarely. We are quite good friends, and he used to call me often.

Last summer I had little problems with him, but problems are over.
After summer I haven't known what is there between us. We are good friends with, and he has said me he likes me more than any other girl.

I want to clarify for me and for him, what is there between us right now, and will be between us in future.

Tell me, what should I do? I want to be good friends with him, and date him when we both will turn 16. What can I do right now to contribute our "relationship" ?

Say if you didn't understand all. Thank you so much!

Ginger

Dear Ginger,

Don't worry about the broken English; it's a tough language (especially the way we Americans use it). I'm impressed with anyone who knows more than one language - good for you!

As far as this guy goes, just keep being nice, perhaps flirt a little, and continue talking to him. Don't pursue him like you want a boyfriend; that may make him feel too much pressure. Since you live so far away, send him a letter; not an email or a text, but an actual hand written (not typed) letter. Become his pen-pal; it will help you get to know him better in a way that's not too threatening or scary.

But, as I always say: its good to get to know people better, and when you turn 16 go on lots of Casual Group Dates, but stay away from the Boyfriend-Girlfriend thing.

- Bro Jo

Verifying the Date Plan

2011-12-12T07:00:00.011-07:00

Dear Bro Jo,

Alrighty, first I'd like to say thanks for the advice you've given me in the past! Which is why I come to you again, because you know your stuff.

I'm curious about 3 things regarding the same situation. I've got a date coming up, and what I've got planned is (I think) quite good, but since you know everything there seemingly is to know about dating, I'd like your input. Dinner, sidewalk chalk, ice cream and a leisurely walk (because you said that was good last time). Is that a solid date plan? Or do I need adjustments?

Secondly, the dinner scenario is causing me a bit of a head ache. I was told by a close associate of this girl that she's a big fan of breakfast. So I thought "easy peasy, I'll make breakfast!". Problem is, the night this date is going down, I'm done work around 6:30, and we've planned on a 7:00 meeting time, which is definitely not enough time to cook. My plan was to ask a guy if he'd cover me that day so I could do my thing, OR as a backup have my sister to the cooking while I was at work and I'd repay her somehow. THEN. My sister was like "why don't you guys just cook together and have a breakfast date?" which is a good idea, except for the fact that my house is an insane asylum because there's 9 million people always running in and out at any given time, which I fear would be a bit of a mood killer if I'm on a date with this girl.

And lastly, is it distasteful to reschedule a date? Because there are better working times next week we could do this thing. It would be a lot easier prep wise and we wouldn't be interrupted or anything like that. But when she offered to reschedule because I said I was still working out a few little kinks, I pridefully said there was nothing to worry about because I'd hate to admit to this girl that I got something wrong. Worse now, I'd feel like an even bigger idiot if I ask to reschedule after I've already said no the notion. Anything you've got for me would be a huge help!

- Planner

Dear Planner,

First of all, despite appearances, I know very little about dating (and much, much less about women - just ask Sister Jo.)

It's a solid date plan, my man.

Could be a bit long depending on the comfort level, but don't worry about it.

I don't remember you age (my appologies), but if you're pre-mish make sure that you've got at least one other couple going.

As for your second issue, if it's a Casual Group Date then a bunch of people cooking can be fun. If you're trying to impress a girl, don't have her make her own food on your first date.

Rescheduling is better than a disaster, not that I think you have the recipe for one here. When you reschedule you need to understand that she a) may be a bit put off, and b) may not be available. If you make things less complicated then you may have less stress. For example, you could pre-beat eggs, pre-mix batter, and pre-cook most breakfast meats (to be re-heated later). You could also cook for her infront of her; could be good.

Happy dating,

- Bro Jo

Sexting - Part 2

2011-12-10T07:00:00.010-07:00

[Readers: The following letter is part of a series we're running Saturday's this month from a reader dealing with a problem with Sexting. This is part 2 of 4. - Bro Jo]

Bro Jo,

Yeah, having the Sacrament brought in is pretty cool but I am the only active member in my family so my father nor my brother (who is 12) holds that kind of authority.

I honestly would rather not be involving any authority in this matter including my parents because my dad has a lot of stress in his life and my mom isn’t around to be able to do anything about it. Me and my step mom do not get along what so ever, so she is also out of the picture. I finally have proved to my dad that I am getting better with choosing the right people to be around and choosing the right things to do.

I have made over a million extremely stupid mistakes in my life and my family situations aren’t the best. My family is more or less torn apart at the seams. We look happy but we aren’t really.

Going back to the turning this boy in part, I have had a past with sexual abuse.

My Uncle came in my room one night and touched me where he shouldn't have a few years ago and I turned him in for that. More or less for the most bizarre reason I regret that, And at one point in my life I sent pornographic photos to a boy in school and it got around to the whole football team. What I am trying to say is I have a feeling if I turn this boy in to the authorities (school, church, or otherwise) may believe that it is me doing something to encourage this type of behavior. Yes I have had many issues sexually in my past but I have finally worked through them and repented for them and I have a feeling that if this gets to the police or my parents that it will be thrown back to my face.

I told the boy if it does happen again or if he even text's talks or looks at me again I will call the police and that I was more then serious. If he does do anything in any manner to emotionally harm me any then I will resort to getting others involved. But like I mentioned in the last paragraph I would really rather that not be the issue.

Once again I do understand that others may be going through the same thing as I am but this is an extremely sensitive situation for me and I prefer that it not be shared with anyone else.

Sorry for being so uncooporative in this situation.

- Name Withheld

Dear NW -

My least concern at this point is your being uncooperative.

My number one concern is that you're safe.

It seems as though you are, so let's take the next step.

First and foremost is documentation, as I mentioned before. You need a written account of everything that happened, including dates and times if possible. If that's not done, do it now. I can't stress enough how valuable this will be should anything ever happen again. It will also go a long way towards increasing your credibility.

Secondly, you need a plan. You've drawn the line with this particular boy, and that's a good start. You also need to know what you'll actually do should he, or anyone else, send you something similar (even if it's just text). Think of this plan as your own Emergency Food Storage; you may never need it, but when the crisis arises you'll be better able to deal with things if you've already got a plan. What will you do? (Keep the text / image as evidence and immediately show it to the authorities.) Whom will you tell? (Cops? Bishop? Friend? Leader?)

Third, we need to deal with some things going on in your head. You didn't get specific about turning him in, but I can think of no reason what-so-ever that you should have any regrets about shedding light on what happened with your Uncle. Anyone or anything that leads you towards feeling guilty about that is out of line. No exceptions.

The fear of having things turned around on them is what keeps most rape victims silent. It takes a lot of courage to speak up because of that. I can understand not wanting to deal with that, but it's your silence that threatens not only your credibility but also threatens you and other young women just like you. Please consider that.

Also consider that Loneliness is one of Satan's most powerful tools. Life is lonely enough without choosing to keep things bottled up. You've got to put SOMEONE else in this loop, for your own sanity and protection if nothing else. Given your family situation (which I kind of suspected) I think that leaves us with a YW leader and / or your Bishop. What do you think?

I think the decision to get "someone else involved" was due the FIRST time he Sexted you. He's crossed a line. Anything you've done in the past does not justify someone else hurting you. If my son hits his little brother, that's wrong, and it certainly doesn't mean that if his older brother starts punching him that's OK because he "had it coming" based on his previous actions.

Understand?

And if you think this boy's action isn't harmful (it's over, it's behind you, maybe it was no big deal), with respect, you're wrong.

And I need to be upfront with you. I've already put Sister Jo in the loop. Nothing comes across my desk that she doesn't hear about. I hope that's OK; she's pretty trustworthy.

And, for the record, she agrees that you need to tell an adult Right A Way (as in NOW), preferably your parents, but if not them then your Bishop. Honest, that's what she said.

A Bishop's not just for repentance, you know, but also for help and protection.

Always here,

- Bro Jo

Missionaries: Why Guys at 19 and Girls at 21?

2011-12-09T07:00:00.039-07:00

Hey Bro Jo,

First, a little background. I'm 19, a month and a half away from reporting to the Sao Paulo MTC. I've been in two situations so far where I have been explaining the reason why I am going on a mission to someone who is not familiar with the Church. This inevitably led to them asking about the young women in the church and when they can go on missions. From here the conversation has gone like this:

Me: The women can go on missions at the age of twenty-one.

Person: Why do they have to wait until twenty-one to go?

Me: (seriously fumbling about in my head to find a legitimate answer and probably have a dumbfounded look - the best of which I could come up with is this) Well in the LDS church families are very celebrated and as such the young women are given those three years between 18 and 21 to (and I'm not sure if this is true or not) meet someone and get married in the temple, because ultimately that is the 'end goal' of the church.

Person: That sounds kind of sexist to me.

I'm not satisfied with my answer, even though its the truth. I need a better way to portray this. And if there are any points that I should be corrected on or if you have any ideas it would be greatly appreciated.

- Better Appearances

Dear Better,

Congratulations on your call, and thank you for your willingness and worthiness to serve.

I'm not really satisfied with your answer, either, but I don't think you need to "portray" anything.

The advice I have for you might be something that helps you in the mission field as well: you don't have to know the answers to everything, probably shouldn't make stuff up if you don't know, and when you're in situations where you don't know what to say trust the spirit.

If somebody asked me why girls don't serve until their 21 I'd tell them the truth: "I don't know; I can think of some reasons why it makes sense . . ." and I'd add: "but I trust the Lord has a reason". I might even say "Tell you what, I'll ask and then we can talk about it".

If somebody accuses your faith of being sexist, which it certainly is not, I'd say "people toss that label around a lot; I find that anyone who feels that way about the LDS Church could benefit greatly by learning more about my faith; we honor women and revere femininity and womanhood; I'd be happy to teach you more".

It’s a win-win-win. Either you'll get to teach them about the Gospel and how the LDS Church has throughout its history been quite progressive and cutting edge when it comes to women, their equality and freedom, and how LDS Men are trained to love, honor and respect their wives, mothers, daughters and sisters; or they'll back off. Regardless you'll have made your point.

"Sexist" has become one of those quickly tossed around labels, used too frequently by people who either have no idea what it means or because they want to label something derogatory that they fail to understand, likely because they have an ax to grind or an agenda to follow.

Frankly, I think within and without the Church people quibble too much over “gospel minutia”, things that really don’t matter and how no bearing on the truth or salvation. It’s the basics that are really important (think “Fourth Article of Faith”).

Its okay not to have all of the answers; be obedient, do your best, work hard, love the people, and testify of Christ. That's all you've got to do.

God speed!

- Bro Jo

Medical Marijuana - part 3

2011-12-07T07:00:00.028-07:00

[Dear Readers - The topic continues. You can read Part 1 HERE and Part 2 HERE. - Bro Jo]

Dear Bro Jo,

Another question in regards to medical marijuana(not smoked but in liquid or food form). My medical condition is worsening. I have to take alot of painkillers, over 1000mg(this had damaged some of my organs and stomach, and its alot for a 17 year old to take). Which is why I am unsure about the marijuana debate. I have tried praying and searching through the scriptures. This isn't me trying to prove you wrong or anything, but just overall confused about good and bad in medicine.

In Genesis 1: 29, God says "Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be forameat."

He has puts plants and animals on this earth for our benefit. Each with a purpose. Unless Marijuana is the modern-day Tree of Knowledge in which we need to resist temptation.

In Timothy 4:1-2 (1 Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the latter times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils;
2 Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron;),

I got out of it that this generation would take something good but use it for evil. Perhaps this is in regards to marijuana- if used properly it can help, but many people of today misuse it.
I hope that you do not see this message as one of questioning your beliefs, but one to see just how confusing it can be for a teenager in world full of contradictions (not in the gospel, but in the world).

I am confused whether what I take out of the scriptures , is what is meant. Given the scriptures, and knowledge that it will NOT be smoked. What is your opinion?

- Lost

Dear Lost,

In regards to your interpretation of scripture, the thing is, if motivated, one can string together scriptures that justify just about anything. Yes, plants and animals can be for our benefit, but that certainly doesn't mean that any plant or any animal used in any ol' way is okay. After all, alcohol comes from plants, and some glue comes from animals. Rubbing Alcohol is an effective wound cleaner, but alcohol in any form shouldn't be ingested. Glue is great for craft projects, but shouldn't be sniffed.

My opinion is the same as before: don't smoke it, be aware of addictive substances, including MJ, and consult with local priesthood leadership and your doctor.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain, and I pray for your comfort. I know that as those around watch you endure your trials, they will be strengthened by your testimony and commitment to do what the Lord would have you do. You're an example to us all!

Praying for you,

- Bro Jo

Getting an Education

2011-12-05T07:00:00.010-07:00

Dear Bro Jo,

I am going to college in January at BYU-I. I am thrilled and excited to keep preparing for future life. My mom is opposed to college and getting a job/having a career for girls.

So that's an issue between us. We're talking it out, but something she said today made me think. I mentioned how cool it would be to have a few thousand saved to present my husband someday and say, "here's something for a bed/dining table etc." My mom said that that is disrespecting the man as the head of the home. He should be providing for me. This seems a little bogus. I think I'd be grateful if someone gave me some money to help out. Aren't men and women equal? Are men wired differently and this would really make him feel bad?

Thanks,

Future Homemaker

Dear FH,

There must be some breakdown in communication between you and your mother.

Yeah, men and women are wired differently (mostly), and yes, men are usually (though not always) better at providing than they are at nurturing. That shouldn't surprise anyone. (See The Proclaimation on the Family.)

But the attitude that women shouldn't go to college or be able to support themselves financially is ridiculous. What if you don't meet someone? What if something happens to your husband or your marriage?

Surely you must have misunderstood your mother and what she was trying to say.

[Bro Jo Tangent: Let me make one thing perfectly clear to you and anyone else who might read this: while Sister Jo may be first and foremost a "homemaker", the monetary value of what she does for our family, a list too long to mention, is far greater than any paychecks I've ever brought home. In many ways she "provides" much more than I ever could.]

When you get married, if you and your spouse truly understand how a good marriage is supposed to work, all assets and liabilities become common, meaning that you're in this thing together, better or worse, richer or poorer.

Hopefully neither of you will bring much debt to the table, and you'll both be grateful for (and respectful of) whatever assets the other brings (financial or otherwise) to the marriage.

When you and your spouse begin to have children I hope you'll heed prophetic counsel and make sure that one of you is always home for your children, forgoing worldly things in favor of raising your own kids. History and experience tells us you'll be much better at that than he will.

And that's why, in the principle of sharing the responsibilities and work, he should be expected to work outside the home and provide the money your household needs.

Equal in responsibility. Equal pay for the same work. That's what "equal" means.

Go to school. Get your education. Be prepared should you need to provide for yourself or your family financially.

And be a little less quick to disagree with your mother. Listen to what she's trying to teach you instead of being so quick to be argumentative.

- Bro Jo

Sexting - Part 1

2011-12-03T07:00:00.024-07:00

[Readers: The following letter is part of a series we're running Saturday's this month from a reader dealing with a problem with Sexting. This is part 1 of 4. - Bro Jo]

Bro Jo,

There is this boy at school, whom I have never made it seem like it was okay to do such things, who keeps texting me with sexual intent and I always try to ask him to stop and explain my standards to him but he really just doesn’t get it.

For a few weeks it stopped but this boy smokes Marijuana and tonight he got high and sent me a picture of his, with lack of better terms, body part down below. I was in karate when he sent this picture and I never asked for this picture and I looked at it for a split second until I realized what it was and as soon as I did I deleted it right away.

I felt no sexual arrousement what so ever from this photo and I got very upset at him for sending it. Should I tell my bishop about this happening?

For conversation's sake, I just finished my repentance process because I had intercourse with one of my ex-boyfriends. I wasn’t even able to take the sacrament again due to the weather conditions where I am from so I am kind of freaking out about this whole situation because I am worried that I am going to have to refrain from the sacrament even longer then I already have.

- Name Withheld

P.S. Oh boy, gotta love when leaders are right.

Dear NW,

OK, I'm seeing two issues here.

Let's deal with the Sexting first.

First of all, believe me, he "gets" it. He knows what he's doing more than you think. He's simultaneously attacking your standards and trying to (in a very bad and ineffective way) get you to like him (haven't I said before that boys are dumb?).

The first time he sent you a Sext was sexual harassment, at best; every time he's sent you something since you told him to stop is sexual abuse. As awful as it may sound, you probably shouldn't have deleted the penis photo; it was your bet evidence against him.

If you have any other evidence (or witnesses) you need to get that collected.

People need to know.

Now.

Today.

Your Bishop is a Good Choice, especially if this young man is in your ward. But before that you need to tell your parents. You need adult help and authority to deal with this stuff.

How is your relationship with them?

Can you ask them for help without them freaking out?

If you honestly feel that they may not deal with all of this rationally, then you need to go to your Bishop first (he can help you involve your parents if needed); or you can consider your Young Women leaders.

And you need to be prepared to go to the police. That includes writing down (not just in your head, but actually on paper) everything that has transpired between the two of you that you can remember. Be as specific as possible. Dates, times, witnesses, as much as you can remember.

I'm not kidding and I'm not being over dramatic here.

What this boy is doing is a form of sexual assault, and it's illegal. No one should have to deal with this kind of harassment.

So I need you to tell someone. Right now. Today. An adult someone, not just your pals.

Please don't delay.

Timeliness will help with your creditability, and you may have to deal with accusations that you've enticed or encouraged this boy (that's another reason to preserve and gather evidence) and his behavior. I believe you, and others will too, but some may really struggle wrapping their heads around this situation because in their world it's so bizarre.

The one thing you should definitely NOT do is to communicate with this boy in any way.

(One that you need to consider, and may have to be prepared to address is that, while it was his phone, it may not have been his "part"; could have been a JPEG he found or someone else.)

Keep me posted on this and, I'm not kidding, if you need my help in any way, including help with the adults you need to talk to, let me know. I don't mess around when it comes to protecting my little sisters.

OK?

Secondly, I want you to know how proud I am of you for having the courage and faith to take advantage of the atonement of our Savior and repent of that which needed repenting. I also want to thank you for sharing your testimony (whether you realized you did or not) of the value of partaking of the sacrament regularly; good for you!

Don't freak out; the Lord always knows of the intentions of our hearts.

(You know, if the weather and traveling conditions don't get better by this next Sunday, that you can ask the Bishop to authorize the Sacrament to be brought to you! He can either send some Priesthood Holders to your home or give permission to those that live within your home. Sister Jo gave birth a couple times on a Sunday. She didn't want to miss the Sacrament, but didn't feel like having people come visit, either. I called the Bishop and he gave me permission to bless and serve the Sacrament to us both. Cool, eh?)

- Bro Jo

Mom's Bad Date

2011-12-02T07:00:00.013-07:00

Dear Bro Jo,

My mother is just recently getting back into the dating game and last week she had a dinner date that started at 5:30. The guy she was with said he was not hungry and only ordered dessert, lied to her about when his divorce was final (he said it was final in November, that is when it was filed.) and said he felt like they knew each other in heaven.

I thought all of this was rather odd, what about you?

Sincerely, Anon

Dear Anon,

He may be weird. He may be an intentional liar. He may have just been nervous or trying to impress your mom.

For now just give her some space and some support. Don't be too quick to be too judgmental.

Everything you ever felt, dealt with, or stressed out about when you were dating is now a part of her life.

Except that it's harder for her than it is for you. You had her for guidance. She's on her own, blazing new territory, and I bet she's terrified.

So be kind. And understand that her choices will be tempered with experience and an understanding of eternal things that you don't know yet.

If in her loneliness she picks a real loser, then by all means speak up before it's too late. But for now give her the benefit of the doubt and room to go on a few bad dates. Remind her that she's a great catch, and there's more than just one guy out there willing to date her.

- Bro Jo

Making Stake Dances Better

2011-11-30T07:00:00.017-07:00

Dear Bro Jo,

I am 17 now and I have attended every church dance that is put on by my stake and two other stakes. (In St. Louis we have these Tri-stake dances.)

Unfortunately, with three stakes, you would think there would be a lot of youth showing up but there is not. I was wondering if maybe you could do a poll type thing where people would submit what they would like at the stake dances so I, and others, can see what I, and others, can tell some of the leaders to do differently to make more people go.

Thanks

A Frequent Dance Attender

Dear Attender,

I've brought this up a few times before. (In fact, we used to have a Facebook Discussion Page about it until Facebook stopped having Discussion Pages.)

Typically, here's what I hear most:

1. More slow songs. DJ's, and the adults that hire them, have this misguided opinion that a dance is successful if the floor is crowded with sweaty teenagers; not so. Teens go to dances because they want to get to know other teens, and let's face it, any more unless the fast song is a swing or jitterbug style song, nobody is asking anyone else to dance; you can't talk to anyone at a dance if you're a) not dancing with anyone, or b) the music itself is not conducive to talking. Most Stake Dances hover right around 1 slow song per 45minutes to an hour; the requested and recommended ratio is about 1 out of every two or three songs should be slow, occasionally playing TWO slow songs in a row (that way the guys who missed their shot during the first song have a second chance right now, while they're still in the mood).

2. Regularity. Dances are more successful if their timing is predictable. Halloween, New Years, Valentine’s Day, Start of Summer, Start of the School Year - that kind of stuff. If people know when it's coming, they'll make plans, and if an event (any kind, actually - Sister Jo can testify to this - she's our Stake Activities Coordinator) is the same time every year, then other things can be planned around the event.

3. Offer something that can't be had anywhere else. You're providing a morally clean environment, and that's great, but you've got to do more than that if you're going to compete with everything else that's going on. Live music (I'm talking "local high school jazz band", not "wannabe garage rock band"), Winter Gala (formal), priest-Laurel only dances (you're 17, do you really want to be dancing with guys who were deacons just last week?), Dance Contests, Dance Cards, Retro Night (Disco . . . 50's . . . pick and era and Stick To It), think out of the box! You don't have to get crazy, or spend a lot of money, but have some fun! Have the dance follow a "how to dance" class or an etiquette dinner.

4. Set up "relaxation stations" - rooms away from the music where people can sit and talk, maybe play some games like "Apples to Apples" or "Taboo".

5. Talk to the kids who are not going and find out why. I did that here once and discovered that the Body Oder of the guys in our Stake was repulsing many of the girls. I talked to several YM leaders and clued them in, then provided the requested scents of body spray in the guys' restroom. I also carried some with me so at the dance I could pull offending guys aside and say "dude, here, take this and go into the bathroom and fix your smell".

6. Get over it. Stop acting like you have to hit a certain attendance number for the dance to have been successful. I absolutely agree that more numbers make for a much better dance, but when its all over, if those of you involved go around talking about how great it would have been to have more people . . . then no one will want to come next time. Instead what you say is: "It was great! Too bad you weren't there!"

Those are my quick six.

I'll post your letter in the column this week, and let's see what the readers have to say.

Thanks for the letter,

- Bro Jo

Is He Worth Marrying If He Didn't Serve a Mission?

2011-11-28T07:00:00.015-07:00

Dear Bro Jo,

First off, I want to say I love your site. I am relatively new to it, but you seem very knowledgeable, and therefore, I hope you can help me out a bit...

I am in a very serious relationship, and we have frequently talked about getting married. Here's the catch: he's *age deleted* and still hasn't served a mission. I am absolutely crazy about him, and I know he feels the same way (he's told me)

He has told me that he wants to serve a mission. My thought’s "great idea!" (truly being supportive, not sarcastic). The downside: "where does that leave me?"

So here's the question (and the real point of writing to you) Do you think it is a good idea for him to serve a mission while he is in a serious relationship? Or should we get married and think about serving a mission together?

Thank you!

-Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed,

Well . . . that depends on a lot of things . . .

Sister Jo and I teach the Jo girls, the two qualities they must absolutely insist that any spouse candidate have are:

1. be a worthy priesthood holder

and

2. be a hard worker.

Any guy that doesn't have both of those qualities is a potential disaster waiting to happen.

Being a Return Missionary is seriously preferred, but neither a requirement nor (sadly) a guarantee that he's a Good Guy (although most RMs are both hard working and worthy, so it does make it easier to find a Good Guy using that as a litmus test)

In my opinion, as I've written often, while he's serving, both of you should consider the relationship over, agreeing that the one at home will actively date while the missionary is gone. If that person is still single upon the missionary's return, then by all means date each other, but understand a lot happens in two years, and you may both find your feelings have changed.

So, no, I don't think he should serve a mission and still consider himself in a serious relationship. Nor do I think you should consider yourself still in a relationship if and when he goes.

Should you two marry?

Start by reading "Bro Jo's Five Reasons to Not Marry That Person" (also found in "Bro Jo's Guide to Relationships"). If he passes that test, then go through my "Things you need to know before you get engaged".

The thing is, Dazed, the WHY he's not serving is extremely important, and while not always true, that reason may indeed be a huge red "don't marry him" flag.

- Bro Jo

Readers' Note: Upcoming Series - Sexting

2011-11-26T07:00:00.046-07:00

Dear Readers,

For the first four Saturdays this December, I'm going to run a special series of emails from a reader who's had issues with Sexting.

The transmission and reception (solicited or not) of suggestive, even pornographic, texts, emails, pictures and videos, may not yet be epidemic in mainstream society, but its more prolific than most people know or want to believe. We scoff at the stupidity of celebrities (and wannabe celebrities) when phones are hacked, videos distributed, and images splashed all over the internet. Heck, truth be told, often that stuff is leaked by the celebrities (or their publicity staff) in efforts to create, revive, or turn a career.

Sad.

Pathetic.

But Sexting is part of the lives of the "non-famous", too, as I'm sure most of my readers know.

I could go on, but the bottom line, the thing we should all be learning every time some perverted politician gets caught with his personality on display, is that there is no such thing as "privacy" or "security" when it comes to dropping your morality and sharing your personal porn over the airwaves.

I think this letter writer is courageous for allowing me to share her story, and I hope it is a message of inspiration and warning.

- Bro Jo

Temple Dates

2011-11-25T07:00:00.021-07:00

Dear Bro Jo,

Hi, it's me again. FYI, things petered out with my 27 yr old. He came up to take me out last week and dropped the "f" word ("friend" ;)). But I'm fine with that. After all he is 10 years older than I am, and I'm at school with thousands of young, eligible men. :)

But that's not important.

I just have a quick question about the temple.

I know you've written before about how going to the temple is a very bad date idea before engagement. I mostly agree, but I'm not sure if we agree for the same reason. My grandmother, who teaches a marriage and family class or marriage prep or something (my grandfather was also the YSA bishop for 3 years), told me that I shouldn't study the scriptures with any guy I'm not engaged to. She said that the Spirit can often be confused for love, because it essentially brings the witness that our Heavenly Father loves us. So I'm guessing that that applies to the temple as well.

I can see both sides, because I have gone to do baptisms with a few different guys before. Two were great spiritual experiences, without any emotional weight. The other.... well, I felt uncomfortable, to put it simply. So personally, I think that going to the temple with someone is not always a bad idea, but it can be.

What is your reasoning on temple "dates"?

Thanks,

18

Dear 18,

Sorry about the old guy; clearly he wasn't smart enough.

My reason for saying dates to the Temple are bad is exactly the same as your grandma's advice about pre-engagement scripture study. (Wise woman, your grandma; I hope you listen to her often.)

Plus, frankly, I think it's weird; its the LDS equivalent of "playing married", as far as I'm concerned.

Going to the Temple is a great idea, but go as a YSA group, not paired off.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Yet again, thank you! (My grandma is pretty much the awesomest person I know. :) ) And I'm over the "old guy". I still think he's one of the most all-around neat people I've ever met, but I've moved on to younger and more local dudes. And I'm assuming he's moved on as well.

I love when things resolve themselves!

BTW, have you ever spoken at BYU-I? Basically, dating is part of living the Honor Code (Seriously. It's nick-named BYU-I Do for a reason.), so I think people up here would love you.

Just a thought.

- 18

Dear 18,

I'm glad. And thank you for the kind words.

I'm often available for speaking in classes and at firesides, and BYU-I-Do is only a 3 1/2 hour drive away!

People who are interested in having me come visit should check with a college teacher or advisor, their Ward or Stake activities specialist, local Deseret Book or Campus Bookstore.

It's actually really cheap; I don't charge a speaking fee for "Dear Bro Jo" stuff, so typically you're just looking at transportation (which is just gas money if you're close enough for me to drive - which is actually a pretty big radius and not needed if you're within a stake or two of where I live) and a place to stay (again, check with Stake Leadership) if you're more than a four hour drive away (which BYU-I is not).

Happy dating!

- Bro Jo

You Don't HAVE to HAVE a Boyfriend

2011-11-23T07:00:00.037-07:00

Dear Bro Jo,

Let's rewind time back months and months ago. I was just getting over my crush, and had high hopes for a new one. But mostly, I was just interested in expanding my circle of friends. What better place to do that than . . . a Stake Dance?????

I got asked to dance by this guy who was reeeeally cute. I knew his older brother......and I had seen him around....but neither me nor ANY of my friends had ever even talked to him.

Anywhooo . . . we started to dance and started talking and had the WEIRDEST conversation. About how gross fish is and all this weird stuff about it. I seriously love weird people, and am a bit of a weirdo, so I enjoyed myself. One thing that really got me though, is that he looked into my eyes the ENTIRE time. Well, needless to say, I knew right then and there who my next crush was going to be.

When I got home I thought to myself "well now I have got to find a way of getting to know him better." To my surprise (and GREAT pleasure) he added me as a friend on Facebook. I sent him a message asking him what the name of that song was that he was telling me about (our conversation while we danced went here there and everywhere). He answered and then our conversation carried along. Again it was a totally weird one. No "how's life?" type of talk for us...more like "how on earth would a cat manage to sneak onto a spaceship anyhow?"

Ever since then we NEVER stopped emailing.

There was just something about talking to him. He brought out my personality, and made me like MYSELF more. It felt great. HOWEVER since it was me who sent the first email asking about the song...that made me feel weird. I really hate it when a girl calls a guy on the phone, or texts first, or goes for a hug first, I ESPECIALLY dislike it when girls ask guys out on dates. HE was going to have to be the one chasing ME, I refuse to be a chaser. So yeah I waited a couple of day between replies for the next while, even though he always replied right away..

At the next stake dance he wasn't there. Until the end....I was dancing with this guy..the song ends and I hear my name being called...I turned around and there he was. He said he just got there because he had to be at a graduation. He hung out with me until he had to leave and then gave me a hug goodbye. Every time we saw each other after that he'd come up to me and we'd just goof around until one of us had to leave.

He would even save spots for me to come sit by him if he knew I was going to be somewhere.

NOW TO THE PROBLEMS....

OK well since I was always hanging out with him he got introduced to all my friends, who all loved him. He started getting invited to all my friends little get-togethers, and all my little get-togethers. And yeah he fit in really well. BUT one of my friends started liking him and told me and a bunch of other people. She's the really mean jealous type...and she treats me like dirt. She's not really my friend, she treats me like dirt, but she sees me as a friend, and puts on a nice act for (name withheld) (the name of the guy I like).

Well she's open and forward and asked him who he liked...he told her that he liked ME. (I found this out by another one of my friends she told..she didn't tell me). Well now I talk to him ... and she glares at me till I leave. Normally (name withheld) follows me though...so it's not much of a problem haha.

ANYWAY we're all sixteen now...and I know (name withheld) has been dating...but he won't ask me out! And I want him to SOOO bad.

(Name withheld) (my mean jealous friend) asked him on a date I think three times now!!!!

He said "no" to the first one...because it was a school dance and he knew school dances were gross.

And then our ward was going to have a priest/laurel date night...and even though he's not in our ward she called him and asked him to it the MOMENT she heard about it. So they will be going to that together.

AND she asked him to an LDS prom, and so they are going to that together too.

SO that's my story, sorry for its length...I am a talker when I get excited about things haha. WELL my three questions are...

How do I deal with (her) jealousness??

Why doesn't (he) ask me on dates ever?

(He goes on several with other girls! and I have been told from very reliable sources that he likes me A LOT!...so I don't know why he won't! I'm datable LOTS of guys ask me out...and LOTS of boys like me....I don't really get it)

How do I get (him) to ask me on a date??

Sincerely,

Girl who needs help

(ps I haven't told ANYBODY that I like him..)

Dear Girl,

First of all you need to learn how to deal with your own jealousy (if you can see past the beam).

Secondly, if you want to know why he goes out with everyone else and not you, you should ask him. It's really that simple. (But, and please don't take this wrong, despite your "datable-ness", he probably just doesn't like you in that way right now.)

Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, you need to relax. A lot. A guy is nice to you and you immediately turn possessive-obsessive. The guy clearly doesn't want a girlfriend, and you keep acting like you own him. Honestly, if he asked, I'd have to tell him to be careful that dating you doesn't leave you with the wrong impression.

You're only 16 for crying out loud! Enjoy the crushes, but take the drama down a few hundred notches.

As far as your non-friend goes, sure it seems like she's winning the battle for this guy, but believe me, even though his 16-year old brain may find her pursuit attractive, deep down he also finds it pathetic. If he doesn't, I submit he's not as good of a guy as you think.

Breathe.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Weird.....sorry that kind of is different from everything I have been hearing or feeling.

Ummm I probably sounded super duper obsessive in that email....so amen to you there. And I JUST found out about all these dates (she) is asking him on..so I was frantic. Aaaaand I wouldn't say jealous is the right word...more like annoyed....sooo taking your advice on the calming down thing is good.

Yeah I think I like him too much too.

See all my guy friends..none of them know I like him...but they hate him because he is too "possessive" of me (to put it in their words). Apparently he stands between me and them and just...doesn't. LET them talk to me. My mom sees it and she wants me to back away from him. If I NOTICED this I would have put a stop to it...and now that people have pointed it out to me with no sugar quoting (I was texting some of them today and it came up)

One thing I really AM concerned about though is how CLOSE he gets to me...and how when I scoot away...he scoots with me. That freaks me out I am not going to lie.

But as far as standards go he has the highest out of anybody I know. His whole family is like that, so it is nice to be around them.

Yeah well now that my friends have pointed this out to me I got to put a stop to the over possessive thing he's got going on....but I still think I might hint a little that he should take me out on a date sometime.

- Girl

Dear Girl,

So have the talk.

But you need to be dating other guys, too.

Mostly, please learn that your value has nothing to do with whether or not you're in a relationship.

Trust me. You don't HAVE to HAVE a boyfriend.

Yeah, I know the Boyfriend-Girlfriend thing happens at your age. Believe me, I get it. I'm not THAT old!

But, take it from an Old Guy, High School Relationships are never worth the drama. And you, Little Sister, could stand to have a little less drama in your life.

- Bro Jo

Is "Stage Kissing" the Same as Real Kissing?

2011-11-21T07:00:00.020-07:00

Bro. Jo,

I recently attend a priest/laurel conference with my boyfriend and, while there, there was a speaker on dating. The speaker was hilarious and really made an impact on everyone in the room. At the end, he gave everyone a challenge. He said, "If you're steady dating anyone, break up now." Talk about intense!

A few days later, "boy" (18) and I (17) talked about what we were thinking. It was a good talk, with a good point. We couldn't deny that. But we had decided that we should follow his challenge. We had no problems with our relationship. We had been dating for 5 months, and never before that had we thought about breaking up. But we did. We decided that there was a way for us to show people that there ARE such things as "good breakups". Breakups where the two can still be best friends afterwards.

I don't think that I should have done it though. I'm starting to feel regret. The reality of the situation didn't hit me until a few days later when I finally realized that I can't hold his hand anymore (touch is my "love language", so it means a lot to me). He asked if he could still ask me out on dates, but he probably won't for a while. I'm not walking with him to class anymore. We don't talk as much either.

Some days he'll send mixed signals. One day he'll accidentally hold my hand (I'll pull it away because we aren't dating and I don't think it's right to do), and the next day he'll act like I don't exist and will barely talk to me. It's really confusing.

We're both romantic leads in our school musical. We're required to hold hands, do a stage kiss (we never kissed and I've never been kissed), stuff like that. And being an extremely kinesthetic person... it makes it very hard for me.

It's been three weeks since we broke up. And I've been extremely depressed, which is unlike me. I think I underestimated my feelings for him. Everything reminds me of him. I can't think straight, I can't go to rehearsals without breaking down after wards, I can't stand any of this. I can't get back to my old self...

So, short version:

Boy and girl break up.
Boy still likes girl.
Girl still likes boy.
Boy wants to ask girl on more dates.
Girl wants to be asked out as well.
The underlining question is: Why did they break up?
Answer: Because it was expected of us...?

Next question: What should I do about it?
I obviously don't want to "move on". We still like each other and prom is coming up soon. How do I get emotionally stable again? Should I talk to the boy and tell him how I'm feeling about this?

Unsigned

Dear Unsigned,

The problem is that you followed wise counsel without knowing why. It shows faith. Often blessings come to us just because of obedience, even if we don't know why we're being obedient. Non-believers call it "blind faith" because it makes them feel better to insult those that believe, but know this: that faith is never blind; those that follow Christ are always guided by light, even if they don't know everything or understand everything.

I've spoken with teens about this before: a stage kiss is a kiss, and as a former actor I can tell you that if it's not practiced it can't be acted properly.

[Semi-related tangent. Actor Michael Douglas was perplexed why his son was not disturbed by the graphic violence in his movies but very disturbed by the "love" scenes. His son explained "because, dad, when you're getting shot I know it's fake, but when you're mostly naked and kissing a woman I know that you're both mostly naked and really kissing". Ponder that.]

So if you two have practiced the stage kiss I have news: you're no longer a member of the VLC. Lips are lips, and kissing is kissing.

[BTW, you and other girls need to know That is Why many of the guys who join drama and are in plays have joined drama and are in plays. Just saying.]

So . . . here's why it was right for you to break up.

When you hold hands and walk each other to class it broadcasts that neither of you is available for Casual Group Dating, which is what you're supposed to be doing in High School. When you date lots of different people then you avoid the pain and drama you're feeling now. So at school you shouldn't act like boyfriend and girlfriend.

(Also, while I'm thinking of it, you're too young and WAY too inexperienced to have any idea what your "love language" is. Stop reading Teen Beat.)

However, and let me be clear, when you two are out on dates (and, yes, you should still go on Casual Group Dates together, just follow the rules and rotate whom you're dating) I don't see anything wrong with holding hands or kissing good night (again, The Rules).

What you're trying to avoid is Serious Single Dating. THAT we save for when you're ready to start looking for a spouse.

What can you do?

Still like him. Still spend time together. Just not time alone together.

Act like a couple on dates, but not around school or backstage.

And you both need to go out with other people. Difficult as that may be.

Oh, and if he asks you to prom, and I hope he's smart enough to, you should go!

Just go in a group.

- Bro Jo

PS: Break a leg!

Fearing Man More Than God - part 3

2011-11-16T07:00:00.004-07:00

Dear Bro Jo,

You're very quick with your replies! I really do appreciate that.

I may fear man to an extent (I can admit it), but I will never let it get in the way of making things right with God again. There's so much more good that comes out of making things right with him than keeping things right with people I see and talk to every day, and I can say that from experience.

I'll be honest and say that I'm not a very frequent reader, mostly just when I have a particular question in mind... as such I've never come across anything graphic. I am, however, familiar with your frankness and honesty. I thank you for that, and I'll take your advice about talking to my bishop. I don't think it's entirely necessary to bring up what happened with you; I suppose all I needed was the kick in the pants and the affirmation that only my bishop can make the correct judgment.

I thank you for your time spent with me, as I recognize that you have many people you could be writing to.

Sincerely,

Hermana Worried

Dear Hermana,

Consider this your kick in the pants!

Look, you're a good person who's honestly trying to do the right thing.

Trust in the Lord.

There are too many of us who put our own embarrassment and fears in front of doing the right thing . . . it will be a sad day in heaven for those that procrastinated their repentance to the point of robbing their spouses and children of blessings, all because they were hid their shame behind dishonesty.

I don't think that's you.

I think you'll be fine.

God bless,

- Bro Jo

Fearing Man More Than God - part 2

2011-11-15T12:12:00.009-07:00

Dear Bro Jo:

I've certainly reviewed my options before I wrote my last letter, and I appreciate you restating them for me. Possibility number 5 has obviously crossed my mind as exactly that (a possibility), but was in no way an option.

Like I stated, I've been open enough to get issues like this resolved with my bishop before, and I would never want to leave on my mission unworthily (I had a friend who ended up doing that, and felt so guilty halfway through that he confessed and ended up leaving a year early). That's not something I want for me or for the people I teach, as it would be a waste of time to try to convert without the guidance and influence of the Holy Ghost. Naturally I'm nervous about bringing this up to my bishop; it's not a particularly pleasant experience to talk about these things.

But my question was not aimed at whether or not I should bring it up to my bishop (I'd already been leaning towards options 2, 3, or 4), rather whether or not I should expect my call to be delayed or cancelled until I'm worthy to go. Technically, no, it's not important in the grand scheme of things... but it's still something I'd like to be emotionally prepared for if at all possible. I'd be lying if I didn't say that some part of the reason I'm Worried is because of what my bishop and/or family will think... but I'm mostly worried about not being able to leave when I was supposed to, because I know there are people out there that I need to be with at the time I'm supposed to be with them.

I can share what happened and enlighten you if you think it will provide a better answer, but if you plan on putting this letter in your blog, I'm sure you already know that something like that probably shouldn't be posted. I'm ok with everything else being shared.

Thanks again,

Hermana Worried

Dear Hermana,

As I said: you're more worried about what People think than making things right with God.

Normal and understandable, but you need to set it aside.

"Dear Bro Jo" is known for being frank, honest, and sometimes graphic. If you want to share, that's up to you, I have no idea whether it will need to be toned down or not. I have no idea whether what you did will affect your leaving date. Even if you told me what you did, I'm not in the position to make that judgement.

Talk to your Bishop. Now.

It's not going to get any better if you wait.

- Bro Jo

Fearing Man More Than God - part 1

2011-11-14T07:00:00.009-07:00

Dear Bro Jo,

Let me give you a little bit of background on myself. I am a 22 year old female who grew up LDS, but had some chastity issues in the past with only one boy in particular (he's the type who says he's LDS and that he wants to follow the teachings, but his actions speak louder than his words). I had those issues resolved, got back my temple recommend, and received my calling to serve a mission in (withheld). I was warned beforehand that the time between when I received my mission call and when I left would be very difficult, and I would be tempted from every angle. I didn't realize how true that was until I began to live it.

Here's my issue: the aforementioned boy has worked his way back into my life since my mission call, and we got into some questionable trouble. What I mean by that is, I'm not sure if what we did is actually "going to the bishop" worthy. Now, I am completely dedicated to my mission; it's actually because I realize that the atonement works (because it's worked in my life) that I'm leaving in the first place. I have kicked this kid to the curb again, and I plan on keeping him out. I don't want to jeopardize my mission any further with a manipulative boy who treats me as though I'm not much more than a toy.

And here's my question: if I end up not feeling better about what I've done and decide that I need to go see the bishop, will my calling be stripped from me? Or, because I leave in October, does that leave me time enough to repent before I leave, and still keep my calling? I know I always need to strive to be worthy of my calling, but if I don't fulfill those expectations before I leave, does it make my calling void, and will I need to send my papers in again after I've repented?

Sincerely,

Hermana Worried

Dear Hermana,

I don't know what you did. You can share that if you want . . . but it doesn't really matter.

Like so many others, you need to understand some very important things about repentance and God.

Perhaps if we try this: let's use a little logic here and look at the possibilities.

1. Your transgression is no big deal, you've put it behind you and there's no reason to talk to the Bishop, so you don't, you go on your mission and everything is great.

2. Your transgression is no big deal, but just to be sure you talk to the Bishop anyway. He confirms that you're good to go, and you go on your mission and everything is great.

3. Your transgression IS a big deal, but you talk to your Bishop and get it all worked out. You go on your mission and everything is great.

4. Your transgression IS a big deal, you talk to your Bishop and your call is delayed or cancelled. You're devastated that you don't get to go, or go right away, but you've truly lived the principles of the atonement. Having made full repentance you realize what's truly important and your spirited is sanctified; you're blessed by the good feelings that know you've made things right with God.

5. Your transgression IS a big deal, but you never confess or repent. You lie to your stake president in your final interview with him and lie to your mission president because you want to stay on your mission unworthily. You feel awful the whole time, realizing that while you're teaching about the atonement and it's power in our lives, you're really being a hypocrite.

Now, given that you're looking at one of those five things, which course of action do you think is best? Talk to your Bishop or not?

I have no idea if part of your repentance process will affect your call or not. But, in the grand eternal scheme of things, is that really important?

It would have been better had you not done whatever it is you did, and it may be that you've repented and can move on, but when it comes to making things right with He who knows all . . .

When we feel the way you're feeling, it's because we "fear man more than God".

- Bro Jo

Getting Out of the "Little Sister" Zone

2011-11-11T07:00:00.020-07:00

Dear Bro Jo,

I am the 5th of 6 children and the last of two girls. All of my siblings and I get along fantastically and share many ideals. I am wonderful at being a sister, and, being 5'4'' in a family of 6 foot giants, especially good at being a little sister. I only have 3 biological big brothers, but I have about 10-12 other "big brothers". I am especially good friends with my actual brother who is 3 years older than I am- and I am friends with all of his friends (my "big brothers" (by the way- all of them are 5-8 inches taller than me.)) It was great to have them when I needed someone to open up a jar or reach something on the top shelf or even get out of an awkward situation at a dance. But as you have said many a time "men and women can't stay just as close friends".

I guess that this isn't much of an immediate problem seeing as most of them are currently serving missions or about to serve, (I am 17 3/4 and they range from 19-20) I love writing them and getting letters from them but now there is a dilemma- all of them see me as their "little sister". Several have even introduced me to people as such! While I love getting the bear hugs and having friendly competitions, the phrase is starting to worry me. What if I don't want to hear about their stories of the girls they have dated? What if I want to be the girl they like?

All of these boys are made of the best things- honor, virtue, strength, love, testimony, sympathy, and for the most part musical skills. All of them are basically the only boys i would even ever think about dating in my stake! (and the only ones on my missionary brother's "approved" list.)

I honestly don't really know what I am asking. maybe I want to know if I even have a chance with any of them or will I be the eternal "little sister".

Or maybe I want to know how I can change that status in the eyes of other guys later on in life. I'm going off to college soon and I have been so protected by "big brothers" that I have never been on a date and even if I had I wouldn't be able to compare them to my brother's friends- my friends.

So I guess that is what I'm asking.

Help? Please? Pretty, pretty please?

-Hermanita (little sister in spanish. I felt like going bilingual)

Hola Hermanita,

I think it's time you do the one little sister thing that you've failed to do: speak up.

I think you need to have a "family meeting" with the big brothers and read them the riot act (like little sisters can do).

You need to tell them, clearly and specifically, that the "big brother" routine was cute when you were younger, but that its time they, individually and as a group recognize that you're no longer a child. You're a Young Woman of Value and as such should have gone on lots of Casual Group Dates but they, to a man, failed to do the right thing. Tell them that their negligence has put you in the unenviable situation of going to college with no dating experience, and that girls with no experience often date the wrong guys in college out of desperation. Unless they want that guilt on their conscious (and you intend to hold each of them personally and spiritually responsible), they better figure out amongst themselves who's going to step up and take you out and when, and that you hope each of them has the courage and intelligence to take you out at least once.

After all, you'll conclude, one of them may turn out to be the lucky man that marries you when he returns from his mission, and it sure would be a shame if someone lost his chance now by failing to act.

Then you drop a calendar of you dating availability on the table with a pen and a list of stuff you like to do.

Then you turn around and walk away.

Anything less probably won't have an effect; if they don't clue in after this, they may never.

Desperate times call for clear action!

Good luck,

- Bro Jo

Liking Each Other Too Much Too Soon

2011-11-09T07:00:00.006-07:00

Dear Bro Jo,

So, here's my situation. I'm a 17-year-old female senior in high school and I have a mutual crush on my best friend, an 18-year-old male senior. We have three classes together and two other classes that are the same, but different hours, so we see each other a lot and have a lot in common. He's an amazing young man. He took me to Homecoming and we've been on a few other dates. He's helped me through rough times and I've done the same for him. He is definitely my best friend, but yes, he is also more than that. Your boys and girls can't just be friends thing holds true.

When we first admitted we had crushes on each other a few months ago, we agreed we'd try to just stay friends, no pairing off. We wanted to do what our parents and leaders have counseled. But as time has gone on, that hasn't really held true...basically, now he's my boyfriend in all but name. And while yeah, I definitely enjoy the attention and love I feel from him, it worries me that we're too close for right now. If I'm honest, yes, I do want him as a boyfriend. But, what's really more important to me is sticking to the prophet's counsel of no steady dating yet. We've both seen bad consequences come out of high school relationships. He has his mission coming up to be thinking about, he doesn't need me distracting him. And I don't want to be pining after him while he's gone, either.

So, basically, what I'm asking is, do you have any advice on how to avoid pairing off with someone with a crush on you that you like in return? If I am still single after he gets back from his mission and if we're both still interested, then is the time that I would love something to happen between us. But now is not the right time, so how do we ease or avoid the temptation? I'm planning on talking to him about it soon, but I thought I'd write you while I had a bit of free time. Thanks in advance!

Signed,

Doesn't want a boyfriend (yet)

Dear Yet,

You two definitely need to talk. It needs to be private, but not alone (a park or out for a walk during daylight is a great choice).

You both need to come out and say how you feel and what your concerns are, and then you need to come up with some ground rules that keep you a worthy distance apart. How you feel is real, and understandable, but you're absolutely right when you notice that the timing is off. AND you're wise to realize that, if you don't take mature action, Satan may begin to tempt both of you quite strongly, especially as his mission nears.

Ultimately your plan needs to resolve how you can continue to spend time together that's not "alone time". I think that should also include an elimination of Facebook (or similar) on-line chats, intimate texts and any after 8pm phone time. You can still be close, still be nice, and still like each other, while reducing the intimacy (or risk thereof).

I have faith that you can both do the right thing.

- Bro Jo

A Collection of Boys

2011-11-07T07:00:00.018-07:00

Dear Bro Jo,

I have a bit of a problem on my hands. This problem stems from the fact that I am farrrrr more comfortable with guys than I am with girls. So most of my close friends tend to be....well...guys. Ive gotta say you're COMPLETELY right about they whole guys and girls cant just be friends thing.

Don't worry, I won't overwhelm you with ALL my stories...I will stick with just a few specific problems.

One of my friends has been liking me for awhile now...everyone knows it...nobody likes it. They all say he gets too close to me. And he does. The sad thing is most times I don't even notice it because I don't have a bubble space. It's weird. But whenever i do notice I back away a little. Before this wasn't much of a problem, he'd stand or sit close...but that was it. Now he's starting to try and grab my hand and put his arm around me. I'm not going to lie...I think that I might have feelings for him back, and I'm not sure what to do with the situation.

Second thing I would really love your advice on is about my other friend. Me and him kind of had a "thing" (not boyfriend and girlfriend..cuz im only 16..but we like eachother and have held hands and stuff). Anyway he is completely in love with me and wants to marry me after his mission. He's 18 and more ready for such a serious relationship than little 16 year old me.

The biggest issue I have with him though, is that I can't trust him...at all. He lies to me all the time and has told my secrets to people. He wants to talk to me about the whole trust issue I have with him, he says he doesn't understand why I would not trust him since he's always been so honest with me. Well...there's a lie right there. But we do have a time that we are going to set aside to walk around my backyard and discuss this.

And the third thing (this is the last one im going to ask your advice on...promise) is a little bit different. See there is this guy who is trying to get better friends..but nobody in the church is really reaching out to him because he never talks and usually bolts out the door the moment any activity ends. Well I decided it would be a good thing for me to befriend him and get him included in my group of friends. He's a really cool guy and it would be beneficial for EVERYONE.

So I started emailing him and have invited him to 2 different things (one he came to, one he didnt) the one he came to he seemed to have a really good time. My problem is, I'm the one always emailing/texting/inviting first. He's super shy so I kind of have to. He seems to be appreciating it and always shoots me huge smiles whenever he sees me. But with every other situation with any boy im HUGE on the thing where the guys have to make the first moves....and Im afraid that me making the first moves in this case might eventually scare him away.

So...in your opinion....how do i make friends with this guy without freaking him out or giving him the wrong idea?

I wish I could say this was half the drama im going through...but that would be a lie. Even though I verbally tell the boys that I just want to be friends...and do everything I can to show them I'm only interested in friendship...sigh...this can't be normal for a 16 year old.

- Drowning in drama

Dear Drama,

Not only is it normal, I feel like I've answered this exact letter before . . .

For a girl who says she understands what I mean when I say "Guys Can't Stay 'Just Close Friends' with Girls", you sure have seemed to step in it.

Let's try this:

Guy #1 - The Grabby Guy. Guys are dumb. Except for the fact that we like girls. Okay . . . maybe that's what makes us act dumb . . .

What I mean is this: you can't HINT to a guy, you've got to tell him, straight out. Best not to embarrass him in front of his friends, but you need to tell him "I'm not your girlfriend, and I'm not your property. If you want to hold my hand while we're out on a Casual Group Date, then that's one thing, but if we're not on a date than lay off. Keep your hands and arms to yourself". Be Nice, but Be Blunt and Be Clear.

Guy #2 - The Liar. Again, communication is the key, and this guy is bad news. Tell him that trust is earned, not given, and he's lied so much that he doesn't have your trust. When he gets argumentative and defensive (the typical fallback positions of the liar) tell him to be quiet and listen, or you're leaving. If he wont shut up, leave. (The dude clearly doesn't respect you. He thinks you're dumb. That's one of the reasons he lies so much; he thinks you'll believe him. It's probably also a control thing.) When he's ready to listen (whether it's then or later) tell him that he's going to have to be honest with you, all the time, for quite a while before you'll totally trust him again. And let him know that if he doesn't care to do that, then there really is no point in talking to each other anymore.

I don't think a walk in your backyard is a good idea. It's too alone, and too difficult to walk away from a guy that's at your house. And don't set an appointment either. Have this talk the very next time you see the guy; preferably in a relatively public place.

Guy #3 - The Loner. How do you make friends with a guy without having him think you like him? News flash: you can't. All guys think that any girl that's extra nice to them finds them attractive. That's because if we put that kind of effort into a girl it would be because we found her attractive, and we pretty much assume you think like we do. Which isn't the case, of course. We just think it is. That's also why all of your "Guy Friends" hate the boy. Because you're bringing him into the group they all think you like him the same way they like you. Ergo he's competition (weirdo or not) and so they hate him.

And who knows. Maybe you do. You do seem to collect boys. It's like they provide you some kind of sense of security.

Look. Be nice to the new kid, but stop stalking him and stop acting like you're desperate to be his girlfriend. You can't argue someone into conversion and you can't push someone into being friendly and social.

Communication is the key. I bet you'd find that there's a lot less drama in your life if you took a deep breath and did a little more listening and a lot less talking.

Oh . . . and stop hanging out with these boys all the time! Get yourself at least one good girl friend. Perhaps the way to do that is to teach the boys to go on Casual Group Dates if they want to spend time with you. Then, while you're out, talk to the girls that the other guys bring.

Have fun,

- Bro Jo

Five Quick Pre-Mission Dating Questions

2011-11-05T07:00:00.003-06:00

Dear Bro Jo,

Firstly, thanks for your help so far!

Really helps me out.

And I definitely am a premie at the moment (I've got a solid 10 or so months before I anticipate being out on the mish mash). Which is why I'm so hesitant to try for a kiss or hold her hand because (as lame as this next bit might sound) I'm afraid we'll both want to go "steady" and I'll get too overly involved with her and have it jeopardize how I apply myself in the mission field, or if I even go at all (which is another question I have, and I'll get to that later).

And because we both plan on going our separate ways soon, it just seems like bad timing. But!

Remember how I told you about how this girl seemed a little bit distant? Well the other night we had a fireside, and I made sure to sit by her (and she acknowledged and approved of my seating choice it definitely put a bit of a smile on my face). We were talking, joking, everything's going great.

Then after it was done and we're all just hanging out at the Bishops house, every time I tried following her into another room to talk to her, joke around, etc. she would just migrate somewhere else as soon as I walked in!

Wee bit frustrating.

And then my brother (twin brother no less, so we're always in a constant state of competition with each other) seems to be able to strike up a conversation with her and get her attention no problem!

I hate to sound like a complainer, because I'm all for the hard to get bit, but it's so frustrating! And I can't fault (name withheld) because he's got no idea, as far as I know, that I like this girl. He's just doing his thing.

But besides allllll this typical teenage mumbo jumbo, the other day she said we should find time to hangout soon, and threw in a nice smiley face (this was by text).

So I was like "Well shoot, that's a fantastic idea! Because I've got a pail of sidewalk chalk, and no one to share it with. So if your free sometime soon..." And she said it sounded like fun.

But the fact that she suggested we hangout is definitely a good sign, yeah?

Now I've got 2 other mostly unrelated questions if you don't mind. (You seem to have an answer to everything!). With regards to what I was talking about before, there's this guy I know. My best friend. I love this kid, I mean he's like a brother to me.

Before he moved away we were always up to something.

But he moved away, we sorta shifted away, and now he's got this girlfriend. He's even closer to serving a mission then I am, but the way he talks about this girl, I've got a gut feeling he won't end up going and he'll choose her instead. How do I get him to reconsider?

Because if what I'm hearing from their friends is accurate, they've pretty much decided already that they're getting married when they've both returned. Which to me sounds absolutely crazy!

So how do I get him to sort of re-organize his priorities? Without sounding "preachy"?

Second and final question (again, I appreciate you taking the time to help me out!). Is it alright if a guy asks a girl out via text?

Sometimes I think yes, but I also think something of this nature requires a personal touch. I mean, if she says no, it's a lot easier to take through a text message. But then it doesn't sound entirely genuine either. I'm one of those guys that gets SUPER nervous when I try to ask a girl on a date, so doing it with a text message always seemed like the logical route.

But I certainly don't want a girl to think "oh, text message means a casual thing" even though a date is what I was trying to imply?

Pre-Mi

Dear Pre,

1. Tell your twin you like her before we have the makings of a Greek tragedy on our hands.

2. Stop following her everywhere, you stalker.

3. No, it is not a good sign that she wants to "hang out". It means you're in the friend zone. The "hang out" isn't okay until you're in a committed relationship. Before then it's death. Of course, until you come HOME from your Mission, it doesn't matter too much.

4. You can't MAKE your friend do anything. If he really is a close friend then you're obligated to share with him your concerns about him and his girlfriend. But you also need to be aware that he'll likely pick her over you.

5. No, in my opinion it's lame, and even pathetic, to ask a girl out via text. I think you should have your cell phone confiscated 90 days for even thinking about it.

- Bro Jo

When You Can't Fast

2011-11-04T07:00:00.000-06:00

[Readers - This question was posted on the Facebook Discussion Board in July. I thought some of you who might like to read it may have missed it so, with this Sunday being Fast Sunday, so it's reposted here. Best to you all, - Bro Jo]

Bro Jo,

Question, not about dating, but about the church.

I haven't been able to fast since I was 9, due to a health problem. We thought it was going to get better eventually, but we just found out that I really never, ever, ever will be able to fast or even attempt to fast. I feel really sad about it. I feel like I'm missing out on an important part of spiritual growth - and that I ought to be giving something to the Lord at least once a month. Do you (or anyone else) have any ideas on what I could do to make up for not being able to miss meals?

- CJ

Dear CJ,

Fasting accomplishes two things: it puts of "the natural man", showing our control over "appetites and desires" and it demonstrates obedience to the will of God. Heavenly Father wants to bless us, but like a spoiled child, if we're given everything without work or sacrifice then we don't have the same level of appreciation for it.

Little children, pregnant women, and those with serious medical conditions are not expected to fast. Of course, in the Church, no one is REQUIRED to fast.

Not knowing anyone's personal medical issues, and not needing to know, I'd suggest that you focus on the principles and doctrines of fasting as outlined. Perhaps instead of fasting 24 hours a shorter period of time would work. Consider removing certain favorite foods (particularly the sweets or other junk food) from your diet for a length of time.

You may also want to sacrifice your time. Don't just give up reading or TV or your computer, but spend that time doing a "random act of service".

And don't forget about Fast Offerings, the other component of LDS monthly fasting. While you can't fast, you could still give a generous fast offering, which would meet the components of sacrifice and obedience, as well as help someone in need.

- Bro Jo

The Rebound Guy?

2011-11-03T07:00:00.008-06:00

Dear Bro Jo,

I've had a pretty interesting past months. I'd been dating this guy, who I was sure I was in love with. We'd dated for almost a year. About a month ago, he broke up with me. It was blunt and harsh. He'd left with a rough good-bye, and started dating this other girl. He left me heartbroken, and on the verge of depression.

Now I've met a new guy. I like him, and he likes me. There's only one thing keeping us from dating, the bad breakup and my friends. He doesn't exactly fit into our group of friends (Don't worry, he's LDS. More LDS than my group.). Basically, he's my better half. This goes back to the girls and guys can't be best friends without falling in love. He was my shoulder to cry on, the one who supported me through the whole rough breakup.

The issue is, my friends are convinced he's just a rebound. (Basically a rebound is the guy you get with to make the old one jealous.). They say it will be over in a week, and that I shouldn't even bother. His friends have told him the same.

But I'm over my ex, he's just a fleeting memory. I want to be with this guy, but we're afraid.

Any advice?

-Afraid

Dear Afraid,

We get sealed to a spouse, not our friends.

You have to date this guy; if you don't you'll always wonder "what if".

If you date and it is over in a week, then at least you'll both know, and that's better than the alternative.

Plus, and I sincerely mean this, things like "a rebound guy" or "transitional man" are clichés; maybe he is, and maybe he isn't. (Maybe your "not so LDS group of friends doesn't get that.)

You've got to know.

And so does he.

- Bro Jo

PS: Let me know how it works out!

"I'm having trouble with this boy I REALLY like . . ."

2011-11-02T11:45:00.006-06:00

Dear Bro Jo,

I have stumbled upon your page and thought that it couldn't hurt to get a little advice on a situation I'm having with a boy I REALLY like...

Me and this boy have several classes together in school, in which we're always talking to one another and just majorly flirting. He always sends off these signals that he likes me, but he won't SAY it.. He definitely shows it, just won't tell me himself. Whenever we see each-other we always hug and just talk in-between classes and during lunch. I've really wanted to ask him on a date, but I feel like guys should ask girls on dates unless it's a girl's choice date/dance thing.

We're both 16 and Juniors in high school. I'm always asking him about how his day went and whether it was good or bad, and we're really trusting with each other.

Does this feel like more of a "Best Friend" kinda relationship or a "potential couple" relationship....?

And how do I get him to tell me he likes me? Should I tell him that I like him or just wait for him to tell me personally? I've already fallen for this guy, but I really need to know if I should continue liking him and fall for him even more, or just kinda let things die down and let him try to build things back up (if he even likes me)??

Sincerely,

Confused Love

Dear Confused,

(I'm smiling a little because I've gotten several "Confused" letters today - must be the time of year . . .)

Of course he likes you! And if you want him to take you on a date all you probably have to do is say "so, when are you going to finally ask me out on a date?"

Now, this may not surprise you, but I'd be much happier if you said "so, when are you going to finally ask me out on a Casual Group Date?" I think the two of you are too touchy-feely for your age and I think you should back off on the "relationship" pressure. Just because he likes you, and you him, that does not mean that things need to get serious or official.

Keep it simple. Date lots of different guys. Save yourself the drama, temptation, headaches and heartaches that come with teen "relationships".

- Bro Jo

Mediums and Psychics, Paranormal Activity and the Occult

2011-10-28T07:00:00.004-06:00

[Readers - The following letter is from the same writer that asked about "prayer beads" in a column I posted August 29, 2011. You can jump to the previous post HERE. - Bro Jo]

Dear Bro Jo,

What is the Church's view on mediums & pschyc's? Communication between our world and the next(not through wuigi boards, those are just dangerous).

What are the churches /your view on the paranormal?

- Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Happy Halloween.

My personal opinion is that the human mind is a very powerful and creative thing. I believe in Feeling the Spirit, and that when it's God's will we may have impressions, promptings and visions.

I think mediums and psychics are at best nothing more than entertainment, and at worst charlatans, liars and crooks.

People can convince themselves of an awful lot of things, some of which may be (by coincidence) true, but most is not.

Stick with God. Stay away from things that purport to be otherworldly but aren't in tune with the Gospel. They're a waste of time, and can be Spiritually very dangerous.

And often are.

- Bro Jo

The Boyfriend with the Tattoo

2011-10-24T07:00:00.023-06:00

Dear Bro Jo,

So you were right, as always, and everything is still going good with this guy :) He is actually getting baptized this Saturday! What my question is about is his tattoo. He got a tattoo on his chest when he was 18 in the shape of a cross to remind him of all that he has been through, he nearly died a few times and was saved, and the tattoo is to remind him to thank God everyday for his life. Now that he is 21 and getting baptized I’m just curious to know what the church policy is about tattoos. I know being a member they are not allowed but what about people that get them before they join?

Thanks a bunch for all the advice so far!

-Butterfly

Dear Butterfly,

I wouldn't say that there's a Church "policy", but there have been many talks and articles about what a bad idea it is to get a tattoo (you can find them easily by going to the Church website, LDS.org, and typing "tattoo"), and the scriptures often give counsel against marking and tattooing yourself. (If one is going to apply for a mission, any tattoos need to be disclosed, potentially visible tattoos need to be documented, and visible tattoos can preclude any opportunity to serve.)

One of the best points I've seen made about tattoos is that, in addition to defiling the body, they're a trend that is, unlike other fads, permanent and risky. (And I'll never understand why someone who can't keep the same haircut or color, who is constantly changing their image and their style, would want something so permanent.) I just read an article where a famous man is having his children witness his tattoo removals. He wants the pain, expense and remorse he's enduring to teach them not to get tattoos.

Getting a tattoo is a huge mistake, and it could be considered sinful insomuch as it defiles the temple in which our spirit lives. In that regard I suspect that it would be treated like any other sin, and like other sins would be washed clean with baptism.

Sister Jo and I can’t help but laugh – in a sad way – and wonder how all of these young people are going to feel when their grandchildren and great grandchildren notice the smeared ink blotch (very few people understand that tattoos need to be redone often because of fading, smearing, and time) that used to be a “tramp stamp” or some “art” on grandma or question why grandpa has huge holes in the middle of his ear lobes. Ridiculous!

Our is not to judge the sinfulness or worthiness of others, but to accept all as fellow children of Heavenly Father. The bottom line?

Don’t get a tattoo, they're dumb.

Avoid excessive and extreme piercings. Also dumb.

But if you meet someone who has already made those mistakes, leave them alone about them. All of us do dumb stuff. Sure, not all of us do them to our face, arms, or back, but no one should be comfortable if their mistakes were hung out there for all to see, so let’s give everyone as much courtesy and kindness as possible.

Life is more about where you're going than where you've been or how close you are to your destination.

- Bro Jo

Flashbacks of Abuse

2011-10-21T07:00:00.006-06:00

Dear Bro Jo,

About two years ago, I was sexually abused by a boy in my Stake. While we weren't on a date, or dating, or anything like that- there was mutual interest. I won't get into much detail, because it's not really that important to my question- but one night he and my best friend and I were hanging out. She left the room for a little bit, and in the short time she was gone- I was really taken advantage of.

Like I said, that was two years ago, and since then I've taken the steps necessary to move on from that and forgive him for what happened. Now I've got a boyfriend. And he really is the most phenomenal person in the world. We've been dating for a year and some change, and I really, genuinely love him. The only thing is, sometimes, and only on very rare occasion, I can't help but getting blasts from the past.

Not that my boyfriend makes me feel taken advantage of again- but just that I'm so worried of that happening again, that it's hard for me to get close to people. It isn't fair to my boyfriend, and I'm lucky that he's so patient and understanding of my emotions. He wants to help me overcome this as much as I do. I just don't know how. I'm not sure I'm making sense, because this is difficult to explain, but I'm just confused as to why I still struggle with the past on occasion.

I've forgiven myself and the people involved with what happened, I've found the person I want to be with- who loves me, and doesn't push me to do anything that we shouldn't do, or that I don't want to do... yet sometimes I still feel scared and insecure and helpless, like I did two years ago.

Is something wrong with me?

Sincerely,

Hard To Forget

PS: I'm 19 now, if that makes any difference.

Dear Hard to Forget,

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you.

Some things just take time. You will get over this, I promise. Be patient, and as more time passes you'll be more able to trust others. It sounds like you've found a good man; if that's true, hang on to him.

One thing that can help someone who's been through what you have is a self-defense class (or if you feel you need to go a step further, join a martial arts studio). This kind of attack leaves one feeling venerable and even guilty (you may be haunted by thoughts and feelings like "why didn't I stand up for myself?" and "why was I so powerless?"), and those types of classes and programs can help you to feel empowered, help you to realize that you never have to fear being attacked that way again.

My prayers are with you,

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Thank you so much. That is exactly what I needed to hear. :)

- Forgetting

Dear Forgetting,

You're welcome.

Anytime.

- Bro Jo

Crazy Stalker Guy?

2011-10-19T07:00:00.005-06:00

Dear Bro. Jo,

I am 18, almost 19, and currently just finishing up my first year of University. I've made some wonderful friends here, both members and non-members, and both at school and at church.

In the fall I had a group of friends, most of which for whatever reason no longer really ALL hang out together. My best friend here is a boy. (No, this is not about "dating" or having feelings for him.) We'll call him "Sven". There is another guy in our little group who we will call "Joe". Joe was always a little strange, but I mainly pegged him for not having very good social skills. As the year progressed though, his behaviour got weirder. He basically was stalking Sven. Like, one day, in the space of a couple hours, Joe texted Sven 19 times, even though Sven didn't reply to any of them. Joe has called him at ridiculous hours of the night wanting to talk, or go get coffee. He has even admitted to driving around Sven's neighbourhood just in case he might see Sven so that he could drive him to school.

Joe has become "friends" with all of Sven's closest friends, tried adding family members and family friends of Sven on social networking websites even though he doesn't know them... He even has all of our class schedules memorized, and knows when and where we all hang out so that he can "accidentally" run into us there.

There are a few of us that are just so terrified of running into him, that we have to plan our hangout times accordingly. There are also speculations that Joe is gay, because he has admitted to being attracted to Sven. I don't really know what to believe, because I was raised not to judge people. But because of this, and because of personal experiences in his early life, Sven is terrified, not only that Joe is stalking him, but also that something bad could happen if they are ever alone together.

My friends always come to me for answers because they know I care enough to listen. I've been dealing with this and with my friends hurt for a long time. Last weekend, I persuaded Sven that he needed to tell Joe to back off and that his behavior made him uncomfortable. He did so, and it was hard, but so far Joe has left him alone. I don't know how long it will last, because this is the third or fourth time he has been told to leave us alone, so I doubt it will have a long-standing impact.

I am trying to be Christ-like. I am trying to love everyone, and be kind, but I don't know what to do about Joe. On the one hand, his actions, and the fact that he is scaring some of my best friends so badly makes me really worried and a little angry. I don't feel comfortable around him. I get strong warning bells when he's around, and I know I need to trust that.

I also know that I need to treat him with respect, and I don't want him to think that I hate him. What troubles me is that one of my friends said that if Jesus had a stalker, he would still love and be friends with him. I looked all through the scriptures and I couldn't find anything that really pertains to this situation. My parents are not always the most helpful either, because they are EXTREMELY protective of me, and I have told them everything. They are not exactly kind in their thoughts towards Joe. They don't have very nice things to say, which makes trying to be Christ-like difficult.

My questions are these:

1) What are your thoughts on the situation?

2) How can I be Christ-like and nice when I hear the warning bells and I know what he's doing is wrong?

3) What should I do when Joe asks to hang out? How can I handle the situation without hurting anyone?

Sorry this is so long. I don't know who else to ask.

-The Student Counselor

Dear Student,

1. I think Joe is one mixed up guy.

2. Being Christ-like does not mean putting yourself in bad situations or danger. Those warning bells you hear are promptings of the Spirit; heed them. You can be polite to people and still not invite them into your home. Does that make sense? Just because there are people in the pub, that doesn't make it a good place to proselyte; just because someone is one of God's children, that doesn't mean you should marry them. Be nice, but keep your standards high.

3. If Joe wants to hang out and you feel it's a bad idea (now write this down) . . . say "no thank you". And that's it. If you're nice and he feels hurt, that's his problem, not yours.

- Bro Jo

Excommunication Clarified

2011-10-17T07:00:00.017-06:00

Bro Jo,

In response to your article of July 29 ("Excommunication's Value Questioned"):

1. Should the LDS church have the ability to excommunicate? Absolutely, but in my experience they largely won't. It usually takes some pretty serious and/or harmful PUBLIC steps to trigger excommunication. None of my siblings nor I have been active in the church for more than two decades and we all can count actions that probably would have gotten us excommunicated but the church still counts us amongst its rolls. To do anything less would tarnish the church's claim of being the world's fastest growing religion.

I take issue with the phrase "harm done or potentially done to the Church and her membership"... Is the church not the membership? The church as an institution is only of value to the extent that it serves the people - the actual church, as used biblically. Jesus did not once refer to protecting the institution. The church is the bride of Christ and I can assure you that He was not referring to the institution.

2. One should turn to Jesus' words and actions as a guide - start with Judge not lest ye yourselves be judged... going back to the Aramaic the meaning is closer to thou shalt be judged according to the standards that you have judged others. How many would fare well to be held up to their own standards? Jesus repeats this message in the parable about the man forgiven by his lenders only to hold his debtors feet to the fire. You have been shown grace, you are to show grace to others in return. Jesus himself shows us the path when he comes across a woman being stoned for adultery (which I do believe will get you excommunicated in the LDS church). Let he amongst you who is sinless cast the first stone. Jesus, the only one to meet this standard, chooses grace over law. None of us are sinless and Jesus died to cover all of our sins. It is not our place to call out our fellow travelers to say that their sins are greater than ours or are too great to have been covered by Jesus' sacrifice. Jesus said it best on the cross... It is done.

Name Withheld

Dear NW,

1. You're right: excommunication initiated by the Church is rare. Just like you said, someone has to be pretty public about their transgressions and their Church membership. (Think polygamists and psychos.) That's the "harmful to the Church" stuff. A few years ago a Stake President near where I live was busted getting off an airplane in Boise carrying lace panties and condoms thinking he was going to meet his 14-year old internet girlfriend, not the cop who was posing as a 14-year old on-line. That guy was out of the Church in a heartbeat. "LDS Church Official busted with panties and porn" is not a headline that the Church ignores. (Nor should any faith.)

But in almost all situations excommunication is more about a path towards repentance. It may be fun to talk about Church growth, but it's really not what's important. Heck, at only 13 million members the LDS Church is still quite petite! Sure, that's over a relatively short period of time, but if you want to impress me add a zero at the end, then we'll talk. So excommunication has nothing to do with bolstering membership numbers.

Frankly, having 50% of the Church inactive creates a lot of work for those of us that go all the time; if it was about making things easier we'd cut the membership rolls this weekend. Your Church membership is in your hands, not anyone else's. If a person did something that required re-baptism in order for them to enter back into full fellowship with God, then excommunication would be part of that process.

One thing not mentioned is that, to be honest, lot's of stuff that I think people think would qualify them for immediate excommunication, doesn't. In fact, while I'm sure I don't know everything about you, given what I do know about you, your life and your character, I'd be real surprised if a meeting with your Bishop or Stake President resulted in a removal from you from the Church unless that's what you wanted.

I'll let you ponder that.

Not to be semantic, and I'm sorry if I wasn't clear, but "The Church" and "the membership" are, in my head, two different things. The Church is Christ's, exactly as you say; the membership are the people who are hopefully trying to do the best they can. Christ's Church is perfect, but we're not. I just hope I never screw up so bad that a heavenly messenger is sent.

I'm sure you can see how a person, particularly a person in an authoritative position, could harm Church members as well as the reputation of the Lord's Church. 1830's Kirkland ring any bells?

2. With respect, you're confusing two different principles. Certainly none of us is perfect, and each of us is directed to forgive, but justice and mercy have a balance to strike. To that end there are those that, even from the time of Adam, are called to be Judges in Israel; a tough job to be sure. And you need to understand that sitting in judgment is NOT the same as forgiveness. A Stake President may have to judge that a person's best hope for returning back into full fellowship with Christ is to be excommunicated from the Church. The decision is not made lightly. (I've seen it happen.) There's much prayer and fasting and counsel from councilors and the high council. He may even confer with those in higher church authority. Sincere tears are cried, hearts are broken; it is a very somber and serious occasion. If the person wants to come back to Christ it's a sweet and encouraging spiritual experience. If they don't it's gut wrenching.

But because he is called, by authority, as a Judge in Israel, he has to do it. Is he perfect? Of course not. And, yes, as mentioned before, some ought not be there; not many, but too many.

But that "judgment" has nothing to do with "forgiveness". It will hopefully help a person repent and through doing so gain forgiveness, but the Lord's forgiveness is his to give.

"Grace" is the wrong word. Jesus extends "mercy" as the great mediator between us and justice. It is because of His grace and goodness that we can receive that mercy, but only if we're willing to do that which he requires. Unwilling, and our spiritual atonement will be our own. No one gets to walk around being an unrepentant sinner and go unpunished.

Now, it is true that through Christ's grace and the resurrection that each of us will have eternal life, but exhalation is up to us. The Resurrection and the Atonement are two different things. They happened just a few days apart, though.

Always good to have you keep me on my toes!

- Bro Jo

When Parents Drive You Crazy

2011-10-14T07:00:00.010-06:00

Dear Bro Jo,

I know every single person on this planet and their brother has issues with their parents. Maybe it's a small issue, and maybe it's a huge issue, but everybody has them, so I know I'm not the only one.

Lately, I've been having so much trouble actually fully obeying my parents. Sure, I do what I'm asked, but sometimes I'd really like to know why I have to do some of the things they ask me to do, because a lot of the time they seem pointless. Sometimes, I have an idea for a way something could work a bit easier, and I'd really like to voice that suggestion, but I can't because they already have it so set in their minds that I'm just a child and can't be smart enough to possibly solve a problem a little bit better or faster or easier than they can.

My mom actually uses that phrase "set in [her] mind". They can find it in themselves to leave me and my brothers and sisters home for the weekend while they go off to heaven knows where and don't come back for days, but they can't seem to let me say "Hey, this might be easier" or let me drive to our destination using the route I know and am familiar with (this happens a lot, them telling me where to drive, when I already know where we're going, and one way to get there. Lots of almost car accidents because of that one...) I just get so frustrated with them I can't even look at either of them sometimes.

I know I should be grateful, because they give me everything I have and I'm so blessed, and I really am grateful...most of the time. I get all ungrateful and mean and yucky on the inside (you know that super guilty, gross feeling you get when you know you're doing something wrong? yucky.) when their requests start getting more pointless, and I'm just gonna say it-- stupid, and when they stop listening to what I have to say.

A lot of that was all over the place and not organized at all. I guess my questions are Why do parents not like to listen to their kids suggestions?, and What can I do to maybe make it easier on myself to obey what they ask me to do and to improve my relationship with them?

Thanks.....and sorry for the in general not-niceness of this e-mail... :( I've been struggling with this for a long time now.

(I'm about a month away from being 17, just because I know you'll probably ask)

- Driven Crazy

Dear Driven,

You're right; I would have asked.

Look, I know this is going to sound like a cop-out, but it's true: a large part of what you and your parents are going through is just part of being a teenager. It sucks, I know, and it's really frustrating . . . you're smart and want to be independent, they're afraid of losing you and of you getting older, so you both do irrational stuff. Sister Jo preaches that we go through this phase as parents and children so that when the child is 18 or so both parties will agree that it's time for the child to move out.

I'm not excusing your parents. Some of us become highly irrational. I know you won't believe this, but the Jo Kids will all testify that I've lost my mind on more than one occasion. (There are a couple who will swear I don't have it back yet, and at least one that will say I never had my mind to begin with. We still love each other. I think.)

For now, little sister, understand that this is part of what the Lord means when he says "endure to the end".

Don't be haughty, but take the high road. Do your best to be patient and rational and understanding; and try not to give your parents any reasons to not trust you or think that you're not as smart as you are.

If your family is like most of us, and I bet they are, it will all pass in just a few short years.

BTW, at least in American culture, this is at its worst when the child starts driving. It's our species equivalent of flying out of the nest.

Hang in there,

- Bro Jo

Telling Him You're Not Interested

2011-10-12T07:00:00.002-06:00

Dear Bro Jo,

If I go on a date with a guy though and he is nice but I just don't see him that way than if he asks me on a second date what is the best most polite way of saying that I am just not interested in him like that?

I don't want to lead a guy on if it’s not going to go anywhere.

- Too Nice

Dear Nice,

Unless a guy is scary or creepy, so long as he's willing to plan, pick up and pay, I think he deserves at least 2-3 dates. If at that point you honestly feel he's a waste of your time, or that you're wasting his, the polite, right and honorable thing to do is to tell him.

Be nice. Be honest. And be clear.

(We guys need things to be very clear.)

Tell him the next time he asks you out (being the third or fourth time) that you thank him for asking you out, but you don't see the two of you as a good match, you're going to focus on dating other people, and he should as well.

And that's it. No embellishment. Keep it simple and business like.

Just be sure that you're burning a bridge you never want to cross again.

- Bro Jo

Friends with . . . Benefits?

2011-10-10T07:00:00.016-06:00

Dear Bro Jo,

I'm 16, turning 17 in February. I've been dating since I was about 14.

I've always had these 'horrible break-ups' and I never seem to find a nice guy. Maybe it's because it's (location withheld) and there aren’t many LDS guys here . . . or maybe it's because I'm picking all the wrong ones.

Finally, I seemed to have found the 'ideal' guy for me. The only problem? Not LDS. He's a Catholic who wants a family, perhaps much later in life.

I'm a junior in high school; he's a freshman in college. He drinks occasionally but he has the biggest heart. His heart, his smile, his kindness, makes me forget about his flaws. I don't want a serious relationship, and he has issues with me being in high school and past relationships made him scared to a real one now. For now, we're 'just friends' but dating-ish. I don't want to say its friends with benefits, but that's basically what it is.

We both have high morals, so it's nothing bad but... Bro Jo, he makes me melt every time I look at him, every time his name pops up of my phone, every time his name pops up on my Facebook page, every time he looks at me and smiles randomly. He loves that I'm a good girl and just like every other girl, I think I can 'change' him. Not change HIM, but his 'habits' he does at college, which is basically drinking. My parents, sister, and my friends love him. I don't know what to do - go for it? Still keep dating? Or let him go because he's not up to my ‘standards’?

Thanks for your time!

- Name Withheld

Dear Little Sister,

NO! Don't "go for it"!!!

Are you nuts?!?

A college age guy that has a drinking problem and hit's on 16-year old high school girls???

(BTW - Do you even know what "friends with benefits" means? It means you're having sex with him, and if that's the case, KNOCK IT OFF!)

I'm sorry, I know this guy gets your head swimming . . . but he's a bad dude. Plus, and read this very carefully, you'll NEVER change him.

Or his habits.

That's "old guy" experience talking.

You're attracted. Infatuated. And clearly not thinking clearly.

There's no way your dad loves a college age guy who drinks getting physical with his daughter. If you honestly believe that's the case, give me your dad's cell number; I'd love to talk to him.

At your age "Casual Group Dating" is where you should be at. You're rushing into adulthood too soon, and frankly much sooner than you're ready.

Looks fade, but addictions rarely go away without someone hitting rock bottom; and the problem with that, Little Sister, is someone like you always gets crushed between the rock and the bottom.

Trust me. I've seen it. I've lived it. I know.

Have one last in public conversation with this guy where you tell him that he's too old for you and not living up to your standards. If he stops drinking, starts going to Sacrament meeting, and stops touching, calling and texting you until you're 18 and graduated from high school, then you can consider dating again.

But, seriously, between you and me, I think if you cut this guy off physically he'll choose to be gone from your life forever, because frankly my dear, that's the only value a 16-year old girl has to him.

And, I hate to be this blunt, but the situation requires it; you need to know that he doesn't love you. How do I know? Because he doesn't respect you. Oh, I'm sure that he says he does, but if he did none of what's happening between the two of you would be happening.

- Bro Jo

PS: Casual Group Dating does not have to be only with LDS guys.

Bro Jo,

Sorry to have scared you with the whole 'friends with benefits', sex is definitely NOT what I meant. Sex in NOT in plans - AT ALL. Making out with him not as boyfriend/girlfriend is what I call friends with benefits, because I do have morals, I promise!

The difference with me and him is we've been friends for 3 years, so the whole college/high school thing isn't such a big deal. With that said, I know he doesn't live up to what my mom and dad wants for me, and I know I can't change him - but somehow even after your reply, I feel like maybe he would change when he actually grows up.

He doesn't necessarily have a problem with drinking; he just parties on weekends - not even every weekend - like a regular college kid. No, I'm not okay with that, but partying in (a non-LDS) college is kind of regular, especially around here.

I know I sound horrible, like I'm okay with what does or I'm making excuses for the things he does - but since we've been friends for years and I know what he went through, I kind of just brush off the bad things he does.

I'm confused with my feelings; I know what I should and shouldn't do.

I've always been 'serious' about dating, I'm not sure why, but casual dating, I'm sure, isn't a bad idea!

Thank you for replying, it really means a lot that someone is there for me.

- Name Withheld

Dear Little Sister,

Well I don't know, friend; I'm not sure that I would define "making out without commitment" (or NiCMO, as it's called at the Y) as "having morals". I'm glad that when it comes to "friends with benefits" you're naive instead of slutty, but you are absolutely making excuses. For him and for you.

You can care for someone without ignoring the bad stuff they do; your quickness to look the other way, especially given your reasons why, is not good. Neither is your attitude of "well, that's just what people do around here". One of the quotes I have on my office wall is from Michelangelo: "The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark".

I'm afraid not of sinful behavior, but that you dear little sister, are setting your standards too low. You are worth more than you give yourself credit for. We're taught to love the sinner, but hate the sin, and I think that if you don't change your failure to do the latter, you're going to be in more trouble than you want. It's the little things that matter. Sometimes that's because, unchecked, they're the gateway to the bigger things.

I have no problem with a quick kiss good night or goodbye after one has Casually Group Dated someone for three or more dates, or perhaps on a special occasion (like a birthday or holiday), but making out should be saved for after one is out of high school and in a committed relationship, preferably with someone that is a serious Temple Marriage prospect.

I think you're allowing your hormones to cloud your judgment. You're not alone; we all do it or have done it. But I think its past time for you to gain some self mastery.

Casual Group Dating IS a great idea! (If I do say so myself.) And let's be honest, you've not been "dating", you've been in (my oldest daughter uses air quotes when she says this) "relationships".

Dating, little sister, is when a guy makes a plan, picks up, and pays (if he's dating correctly, and you're not letting him off too easy). When someone jumps into a bad relationship, regardless of their age, it's because they're trying to fill some gap; usually it's because they're struggling with their sense of self-worth, and they mistakenly believe that being "with someone" bestows them with value.

It doesn't.

Our value comes from Heavenly Father and his love for us, not from the admiration of others.

One more thing. You may hate to hear this, but it's true: this guy doesn't love you. Regardless of what he may say. Why? How do I know?

Because no man loves a woman he doesn't respect, and you can't respect someone who doesn't respect themself.

We can't expect to be respected when we drop our standards for others and ourselves.

I know that as a Daughter of God you have great individual worth!

Always here for you,

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Thank you for the reality check, I needed it.

Thanks for reminding me of my worth, I needed that more.

This whole thing that you're doing for not only, but everyone, is great. I especially appreciate it.

Bro Jo, you're awesome.

Thanks again. :)

- Name Withheld

Dear Little Sister,

Any time!

(And thank you.)

- Bro Jo

Medical Marijuana - part 2

2011-10-07T07:00:00.065-06:00

Dear Readers,

On I posted a letter I'd received (and my response) regarding the use of Marijuana for Medical Purposes. You can jump to the original letter, and the subsequent comments, HERE.

One of the comments struck me as particularly poignant, and so I've decided to publish it separately here, in hopes of giving it the attention it, and this topic, the deserved attention (not everyone reads the comments on the letters).

Here's the comment (I have edited it only for clarity):

Dear Bro Jo,

I was Anon #1 and did some research on medical marijuana after reading this post out of curiosity.

You seem to insist on it's addictive properties, but the evidence of physical withdrawal seems only present in heavy users, according to the research I've done.

Based on the research I've done, it's only physically addictive after prolonged, heavy use. A study done by a professor at Cambridge suggested that about 9% of users become addicted and another study suggest perhaps 4-8% become "addicted" in the physical sense of the word.

One could argue, as perhaps you are, that people get addicted to the "feeling" and that the "addiction" is psychological, which seems fair to me. I've also learned that most marijuana taken for legitimately medical reasons is not always smoked, but often taken via baked good or vaporizer, as those methods don't damage the lungs and decrease cognitive impairment.

It is often for reducing nausea in chemo patients, stimulating appetite in cancer and AIDs victims and for people with muscle spasticity problems. I did a casual poll on this on my blog and looked at Church sources from the Handbook and and 5 temple-attending LDS people seemed to agree that if it was legal and under the care of a doctor that it would be fine. I live in a state where it's legal.

- Lauren

Dear Lauren,

While a "casual poll" of one's friends on a personal blog is hardly scientific evidence, you do make some great points. Sadly, anyone could easily put together a sampling of "temple-attending LDS people" that have opinions contrary to the teachings of the Church and its Prophets. (One of the realities of a Church as large and diverse as ours.) I have piles of research showing the addictive properties of MJ, so that doesn't necessarily sway me, either, but I'll certainly concede that "addiction" is a very broad term and can certainly include psychological as well as the physiological.

And, let's be honest here: I'm a logical kind of guy, but certainly no scientist. Plus, I'm sensitive to the suffering of others, and in your initial anonymous comment you made a pretty good point about the other medicines we take that are certainly addictive.

After receiving your comment above I contacted a friend and mentor (who also happens to be in Church leadership).

I asked him first if the Church had an official position on Medical Marijuana.

He said "no, the Church doesn't have an official position", which surprised me a little. He said that its come up in meetings with area 70s and other GA meetings, but at this time the bottom line is (as was suggested in another comment) "it really becomes a decision between the individual and their physician, and that the member should counsel with their priesthood leadership and the Lord".

Cannabis, as has been stated, IS available in pill form, which I think all people agree would make the issue a little easier to resolve. The problem is that the pills are significantly more expensive than MJ cigarettes, and that then can cross a boundary; there's a difference between swallowing a pill and the other things, including the vapor that you suggested, that in addition to the physically damaging and addictive issues, carry with them "the appearance of evil". We make not like it when people judge, but it IS a fact of life, and more often than we like it, judging the BEHAVIOR of others (note the difference) IS something we're supposed to do.

If people see someone known to be LDS, particularly someone in Church Leadership, sitting out on the back porch smoking a J . . . see what I'm saying?

Then there's the further complication of the states (like yours and mine, Lauren) where its "legal". See, in my state, its pretty easy for non-physicians to get "licensed" as "caregivers" allowing them to manufacture and distribute pot to a much wider range of people than those suffering from the ailments you mentioned. It seems like anyone around here with claims of "pain" can become a "card-carrying" pot smoker, and many of those card-carriers around here share their "painkillers" with their friends and anyone else, age 12 and up, who would like to be . . . "pain free".

For those that don't know, among the other hats I wear, I'm a college teacher and a football coach at the local high school. I'm acutely aware of the fact that we now live in a time where many, many young people believe that we're supposed to go through life (as one commentator on the original post ignorantly said) "as pain-free as possible". (I had one player this season tell me he couldn't practice because he "slept funny and his back was sore" - which is utterly ridiculous.) Couple this attitude with what I see as the "over accessibility" of marijuana, which make-no-mistake IS an addictive gate-way drug, and I worry about the casual attitude we, as a people, Church and society are developing towards pot.

One sad benefit of being an Old Guy is that I've seen a lot of lives ruined when we develop attitudes that bad isn't bad, that the appearance of evil is irrelevant, and we excuse addictions and addictive behavior.

If a Real Doctor prescribes cannabis as a medicine to someone who truly can not bear life without it, who truly has no other options, who has counseled with the Lord and the appropriate leadership, who limits its use to private individual medicinal use, and is committed to avoiding the appearance of evil, then . . . well . . . I guess I'm saying I'm on board.

But I'm still concerned.

And, personally, I think I'd rather die from the pain than have anyone ever be able to say "but Bro Jo smoked pot".

And, while I feel pretty blessed with relatively decent health, I can't remember the last time I had a "pain-free" day.

I just don't think that's the way life works.

Thank you for your comments,

- Bro Jo

Don't Tell a Guy You Like Him BEFORE He Asks You Out!

2011-10-05T07:00:00.011-06:00

Dear Bro. Jo,

So, this is my first time writing you, so please forgive me if I seem a little awkward.

I just turned 19 about a week ago, and I still haven't started wading in the Dating waters yet. I was wondering if you could help me out a little bit, because I usually have a little anxiety towards the idea. First off, well, I'm not exactly sure where to start, so I suppose I'll use a bit of background.

I've always been a late bloomer. I've had no interest in guys until I hit 16 and a half, and even then, I had no real interest in having a relationship until now. My problem is: I have a little bit of trouble with being asked on dates. It's not that I freak out and turn them down or anything; it's just that guys don't ever ask me. I can't tell if it's because I'm too shy to put myself out there, or if it's because I'm just scary. I've got a few guy friends who tell me I'm really intimidating because I have a backbone, and I don't settle for following crowds, and I'm not afraid to be myself, but really? I thought that was supposed to be an attractive trait, unless I'm just defective and out of my mind.

On the flipside, I have a hard time with being around guys who I haven't confirmed as my non-biological brothers. I don't really have much experience with guys in a potential date-sort of way, and I'm not sure how to act around guys that I don't know very well or guys that I am attracted to, usually ending up in my being to shy to talk to them, or being 'aggressively' friendly and out there. If I know and love them as brothers, I have no trouble being a normal, rational thinking person around them. Anything else, and oh mercy. I guess I can base this on a fear of being hurt, because every time I've made myself vulnerable by telling a guy that I had developing feelings for him, I often end up being toyed with, and always end up getting hurt. And it takes a lot for me to admit to liking someone more than a friend. I guess what I'm trying to ask is whether or not I should actually go on dates with guys before I tell them I like them?

And if so, how do I get them to ask me out on dates?

I'm not really very good at flirting, my attempts are pitiful.

Anyway, I hope this makes sense, because I just confused the crud out of myself. Advice and constructive criticism are not only sought after but very welcome.

Thanks!

~ Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

Well I hope they're welcome! (Otherwise you wouldn't have written, right?)

There's a lot here in your email, but I think it might be best two just address three things.

1. Never tell a guy you like him until after he's asked you out. The first couple dates need to be no-pressure get-to-know you situations; when you start out saying that you like a guy before he's made any kind of move, you scare him away.

2. Flirting is a skill. It takes practice. And forgive me for being in Football Coach mode, but to get better at the basic skills you need to practice them over and over again. At the beginning of every practice, the team will first warm up, getting the body limber and stretched out so it will respond when we need it to. The next thing we do is called "E.D.D.s" or "Everyday Drills". In E.D.D.s we do the same basic things over and over again, checking and improving our technique so that when it becomes game time those very important basic skills are done right and without thinking about them.

Flirting is no different. Start with the warm up: look in the mirror and realize that you're a great person who deserves to be flirted with. Then, when you go out practice your E.D.D.s: smile, be friendly (and sincere), and make eye contact. Practice the basics.

3. Any guy who is not actually your brother is not your brother. Sure, you have "Brother So-and-so" at Church, but all of these single guys you're around are potential dates. A first date is not a marriage commitment. Neither is a second, third or fifth. Stop worrying about how perfect a guy has to be to go out with him or how perfect you have to be on the date. It doesn't matter. Let him be him and you be you. It's very like you'll get hurt, and you may hurt a few people along the way. All of that is part of getting stronger. As we say in the weight room: no pain, no gain.

- Bro Jo

PS: You may also want to check out "Bro Jo's Guide to Relationships".

Putting "Girl Power" to Work

2011-10-03T07:00:00.008-06:00

Dear Bro Jo,

I am 21, and going to BYUI, but I have noticed that no matter where I go, I can't seem to interest a guy enough for him to ask me on 1 date. I have gone for about 1 year without having a single date. I can literally count how many dates I have gone on, since I have been 16, on both my hands. I don't expect to have been married already. I can wait a few years. What bugs me is that I can't seem to at least get a date for Friday night.

I know enough about guys to know that not everyone is going to be attracted to a shy, voluptuous girl like me, but I was wondering what more should I do? I try to be more open about me liking someone, but I don't want to look too forward so I can see it would go unnoticed. That's my fear. And what bugs me even more is that a few guys have told me I was a wonderful person and a beautiful girl, but yet they STILL don't do anything about it.

I go out with friends and try to meet as many people as I possibly can, but I usually don't get a second glance. I tell myself, I don't need someone’s company to make me happy, but this loneliness builds up inside me.

What should I do more without being a creep or too forward?

Sincerely,

Lovely but Lonely

Dear Lovely,

They're glancing. Trust me. You just haven't seen them.

There are two things I wrote a while ago that you may want to read.

Bro Jo's "HOW a GIRL CAN GET a BOY'S ATTENTION"

and

Bro Jo's "HOW a GIRL CAN GET a GUY to ASK HER on a DATE"

Don't change who you are, but you're going to have to take it up a notch or two. Remember, the definition of insanity?

"Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Einstein

If you want a different result, you've got to do something different than what you've been doing.

Oh, and let me tell you something else: I'm very disappointed in the lack of sisterhood at the Y of I. Y'all need to be taking care of each other. make a deal with your roommates and friends: start setting each other up on dates. You find a date for her, she finds a date for you. Make it a game. Every date you get set up on you put $5 in the pot. When a girl gets married in the Temple, the friend that set her up with that guy gets the dough.

Seriously!

What have you got to lose?

Put some of that Girl Power to work.

- Bro Jo

Get Help Now

2011-09-30T07:00:00.013-06:00

Dear Bro Jo,

Someone told me you were good at giving advice, and right now I need all the advice I can get because I honestly don't know what to do at this point anymore.

I'm almost 19, and serving a mission is my focus right now, but I'm absolutely terrified that given behavioral patterns of mine, I won't be able to do that. I won't go into specifics, but I'm sure you can figure it out. I honestly feel like its too late right now or that I'm too far gone to do anything about it.

I've come to know and realize that it's an addiction that I've been struggling with for almost 7 years. I know I need to change what I'm doing. But I'm also embarrassed, terrified, humiliated to talk to anyone about what I've been doing, because what I've done I'm certainly not proud of.
It's ruined relationship that I've had, namely a girl and myself doing a lot of things I knew at the time I shouldn't have been doing but did nothing to stop it. This thing I've been going through has let to chastity issues, which I know is absolutely NOT okay. I've looked online for ways to help me fix the situation I find myself in, and nothing seems to work at all. I feel like if I tell me parents about it, they'll just feel disappointed or ashamed or something. I feel like I can't talk to any of my friends about it because they'll judge me and they'll stop being my friends.

But most of all I'm afraid of talking to my bishop about what's been going on because of the consequences. I'm petrified that if I tell him everything it'll either keep me from going on a mission, which everyone expects me to do because no one has any idea of what's been going on, or worse, I'll be excommunicated. I feel like it'll cost too much to talk to anyone about anything. But it's worse and worse the more I think about it.

I've lied in interviews, gone to the temple or taken the sacrament when I know I shouldn't have, and I just feel lost and hopeless. And I realize that's just Satan getting in my head, but honestly I feel like sometimes he's right and I have no business or right to go to church or socialize with members.

I know this is a lot to take in for a first email, but I took what little comfort I could in knowing that you are a complete and total stranger, so for some reason the thought of telling you about everything seemed a lot easier to bear then someone I knew.

Please, please, please help me out. I've prayed countless times to help resist Satan's advances and I know the Lord is trying His best to help me, which makes me realize it's me that's not getting the job done. And I know He's never going to give me anything beyond my capacity to handle, but still, this stuff I've been keeping inside of me is getting to be too hard to hold in anymore because I know time is running out. I turn 19 in 7 months and I fear a complete and total repentance process, while every single bit necessary, would postpone my mission departure or knock it out completely.

I'm scared that if it does get pushed back, people will wonder why and the reason will eventually come out and ruin any relationships I have within the church. At this point I'm willing to do anything to stop this and move past it, because right now I honestly feel like a complete and total failure with everything I do. I feel like my lack of ambition for life in general is attributed to this, and I'm just sluggish and don't have that peppy, bright, happy countenance that I see other people have. I pretend like everything is fine and fake my way through the days, but I'm tired of that. It's time to make a change, and I know that, I just don't know where to start, or if it's even possible at this point.

Any shred of help or insight I will gladly take. And I apologize for the nature of this email and for just dropping it on you out of nowhere, but I need help, and I need it now.

- Name Withheld

Dear Brother,

One thing at a time, my brother. You need to put your pride aside and get some help. Not the generic, pointless, non-personal kind of help you find on the internet, but the kind of help that will help you mend things with your Savior and your God.

Stop worrying about the consequences, and start thinking in eternal terms. Stop fearing man (your parents, your Bishop, others) and set things right with He who loves you most.

Those feelings you have (not going to Church, not socializing with members) and fears you have (missionary service, excommunication, the need to cover your sins with lies) are absolutely from Satan.

I'm going to be blunt with you, brother, because that's what I do and that's how much I care.

Stop making excuses! Stop allowing Satan to rule your life and make you feel miserable!

The time has come for you to stop procrastinating the day of your repentance.

Call your Bishop, and call him now.

Do it.

No excuses.

That's where you start.

And you start now.

Seriously.

Stop everything you're doing the instant you get this email. Make the call. Tell your Bishop that you have a serious need to talk to him right away. Tonight, if possible.

If you can't reach him by phone, go to his home.

If he's not there, go see his first counselor or a member of your stake presidency.

No kidding.

Go now.

When the appointment has been set (or concluded if you can see him right away), then please send me an email letting me know that you've done that which you know you ought to do.

And when you do meet, pray first, and spill your guts. Get it all out. I promise you will feel better when you do, even if it means your road to repentance seems long and difficult. Better to be moving in the right direction than continuing to slip the wrong way.

Pornography is a dangerous thing, my brother. Stop and get help now.

- Bro Jo

When the Girl at Home Gets Asked Out

2011-09-28T07:00:00.019-06:00

Dear Bro Jo,

k so here is what is going on.

I have a boyfriend who is on a mission. He has been gone for a little over a year and before he left we discussed it and decided I wouldn't date. So far I have held true to that. We write and I email him about once a week (just a paragraph pretty much just saying what I was up to doing the week) and a letter once a month. He writes me a letter once a month.

I hadn't had very many issues and didn't really feel I had to go on dates or pressured until recently because I had moved to a city for a while and the boys who asked me out while I was there were never LDS and so I didn't really ever even consider going on dates or accepting and most didn't know me very well and so I could just say I had a boyfriend and they would drop it. I have recently moved back home though and live in an LDS community.

Anyways, the issue I am having now is that there is currently an RM who seems to be very interested in me and is way more persistent than the other guys have been. I know him cause I was in his family's ward while I was in High school. He was a lot older though so I didn't ever really talk to him until I moved back(I'm now just barely 19 and he is almost 27) and he hung out with me and a group of my friends one night and that was like the first time he talked to me.

Ever since then he always talks to me. He knows about my boyfriend and every time he sees me he asks a ton of questions about him. I would consider this guy my friend and I am nice to him but I try to make it clear I have a boyfriend though and he just won't give up. He always hints about going on a date and yesterday he asked me if I would like to go on one I explained about my bf and told him I still really loved my boyfriend and he still wants to go on a date though and he told me he thinks my boyfriend doesn't write me enough or show enough interest.

He is fine as a friend but I feel like it would be so weird I am friends with his sister and him and I just don't have very much in common and he comes on so strong. This guy is a nice guy he just comes on so strong though and I have a boyfriend and I am not interested in him like that. Sorry for my rambling I just feel like for him he thinks I don't have any excuse not to go out with him so he keeps pushing. I'm sorry I am just confused and not sure what to do? I really love my boyfriend and I I'm pretty sure if we go on one date he's going to keep going out with him and I just don't see all this ending very well.

Also I'm not interested in this guy that way and if I were to go on a date with him too I don't know how I would tell my boyfriend. UGG!

- Taken

Dear Available,

Okay.

First things first: you don't have a "boyfriend".

There's this guy you used to date whom you made a foolish promise to that you never should have made (and the coward never should have asked you to make) that you can't go out with right now because he's too far away AND A MISSIONARY. Oh, and while I'm at it, you two write and email each other too much. If his mission president knows I'm sure he's hoping you both knock it off. (If I were his mission president I'd revoke his computer privileges for emailing you at all, let alone Every Week!)

You're 19 and a nice guy who's an active 26-year old RM asks you out? You go out.

This is going to sound harsh (as if I haven't been already), but I don't think you "love" your boyfriend. I think you "love the idea" of your boyfriend. See here's something that MGs don't get: when a guy is gone for two years, doing all the spiritual stuff a missionary is supposed to do, it's the stuff that he's NOT doing that keeps her attracted to him, and it's that very same stuff that makes it NOT a relationship.

You're not dating. You never see each other. You have nothing to fight over. You never catch him talking to or checking out other girls (which, even though he's a missionary, I promise you he's doing; he's still a guy after all). There's no relationship pressure; to move forward, to commit, to slow down, to see each other . . . or call . . . or not . . .

And there's no commitment there at all, either. You know when he comes home that he can chose to never see you again, let alone ever take you out on a date, right?

And what if he does take you out a few times and you both realize "Holy heck! This is not who I want to spend eternity with!"

He could be a perfectly decent guy and you a wonderful woman, but when the magic and mystery of him being gone wears off you might find, like thousands and thousands and thousands of couple before you, that it just isn't meant to be.

Sure, sometimes it works out. But most of the time it doesn't. Everyone thinks they're the exception. And again, some are. But most are not.

By pretending to be in this (as the oldest Jo Daughter says, using air-quotes) "relationship" look at what you're risking and missing out on!

How dare he ask you to wait!

Very selfish.

What if 26-year old RM Man is a great choice for you? What if it's some other guy? What if you sit around during your prime dating years only to have Current Missionary come home and not be a good match?

Go on the date.

Go on lots of dates.

You don't owe the guy in the field any explanations at all.

When he comes home in under a year, if you're not engaged or married (and you probably won't be), then absolutely by all means date him! It could turn out great!

But, I'll tell you now, if you don't go out with the guys that ask you while you're sitting around home and single, even if you two end up together, you may always wonder "what if" . . . and that's not good.

For every couple that "waited and worked out" in the Church, I believe there are many, many more "Single and over 25 Sisters" who wish they'd dated more when they were younger. And except for the MGs, I think my readers world-wide will back me up.

Go out. Have a good time.

- Bro Jo

The Aggressive Unworthy Girlfriend at the Y of I

2011-09-26T07:00:00.010-06:00

Dear Bro Jo,

I am a 26 year old male BYU-Idaho student. I have transferred schools several times, and find myself feeling a little old to still be getting a degree, but because of the rules here I live in a student ward where virtually everyone is younger than I am, and most of the women are significantly younger than I am.

I've never tried to dismiss anyone, but I find that most of the women are at a different stage in life, and while I've gone on dates with them, I've never really dated them.

I try to date mostly returned missionaries because they tend to be older, but most of them seem to take every date way too seriously, to the point of planning weddings if I ask them on a second date.

Recently, I have started dating a beautiful twenty year old I met in class. She was hesitant at first, but has eventually come around, and we are now boyfriend/girlfriend. I respect this woman quite a bit, she is funny, well-grounded, affectionate, smart, perceptive, excellent with people, sweet, and a top notch communicator. I should be head over heels, and sometimes I feel that way.

Now that things have started to get serious (we've been dating almost two months) she has started to really open up to me, and I've begun to learn rather unflattering things about her. The most troubling is that she is not worthy to attend the temple, and while we kiss she is often trying to push the boundaries, never to anything outright inappropriate but often to places that feel uncomfortable, I usually stop her, or say something but she often comes back and wants to do the same thing, and let's be honest it may feel uncomfortable but it also feels so so good.

The other thing that is unsettling is that while we enjoy each other’s' company on dates, when we spend time together that has not been well planned out beforehand we have found very few things to do together that we both enjoy. I am at a point in my life where I am starting to question how effective my earlier dating behaviors were and I wonder if I've been too picky, and if the unsettled feeling I am having is just nerves that I am moving on in my life, but if I'm not being too picky it is also silly to let this relationship go on too long.

I certainly won't be in a place with so many eligible LDS women for long.

Sincerely,

A Maybe Picky Bachelor

Dear Bachelor,

It's my unqualified belief that this girl you're seeing believes that her value is reaffirmed by your physical response. In her mind, if she can sexually excite you then that means she's pretty. That's not entirely untrue; we men tend to find women more attractive if they find us attractive, right?

She may also be thinking that if you "want" her you're more likely to marry her . . .

She could also just be . . . horny.

(The reason she's "unworthy" is also something to give strong consideration. Not every issue is the same, in my opinion. A promiscuous girl, regardless of where she goes to school, is a big red flag.)

You're wise in recognizing the danger signs. If she's not Temple worthy then she's not really BYU-I worthy, either. That means she probably lied in an interview somewhere. Not a good sign. (Unless of course she's repentant.) Let me ask: when she's all over you does she seem like a girl who's repented of past wrongs and is ready to make herself worthy to enter the Temple?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Look, that doesn't mean she's a bad person, it’s just that she hasn't been taught that virtuous is beautiful and that a man needs to respect a woman if he's going to love her. Guess whose job it is to tell her that? To help her feel that?

Yup, yours amigo.

Are you too picky?

I don't know.

I think it's inspired to focus on return sister missionaries. Not just from the age advantage, but spiritually as well. As you're finding out, women have a tendency to get in their own way when it comes to romance. I'm not saying that you should give up on the current girlfriend entirely, but I do think you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Preferably somewhere out in the open, with people nearby, in the daylight . . .

I also think your notion of being too picky may just be a prompting that you may want to expand the sphere of women you're considering. I get piles of letters every month from girls at BYU-I who are closer to your age, live high standards, and have clean dating histories (if they've dated at all) who would love to meet a guy just like you. It's not that big of a campus; they should be easy to find.

One last thought: if you really have reached the point where this relationship seems "silly" and pointless, it's time to move on. However, like I said, I think you should have that conversation first and see what happens. After all, if you can get past this issue, if you're making a bigger deal out of it than you should, if she's not as "unworthy" as we fear . . . you might be making a big mistake to let her go.

Good luck!

- Bro Jo

Don't Rush to Serious Single Dating While You're Still Casual Group Dating Age

2011-09-23T07:00:00.002-06:00

Dear Bro Jo,

Hey!

I messaged you before about whether or not I should say yes to the "bad boy" prom date... Well I've got another boy question!

I know your opinion is that girls shouldn't call boys.... But I have a special situation!

I was working on Friday, and a really cute guy pulled through the drive through. When I gave him his change back, he gave me his business card and said "This is for you." I said thanks, stuck it in my pocket, and went back to work. After I got home, I decided to check out the website on the card. Turns out he's pretty much the coolest, most inspirational kid ever.. and he's famous! He's been in a Wheelchair since he was little, and he's pretty talented on that wheelchair around the skate park! I checked out his Facebook, and he had EFY pictures up so he's (most likely) LDS!

So here's my problem.. I have no clue if by giving me the business card he was saying "call me" or "I want you to be aware of kids with disabilities."

I'd love to get to know this kid better.. But I really don't know what to do! Advice please?

- Another Whiny Girl Who Probably Has the Answer Right In Front of Her

Dear Probably,

Let me ask you, what do you think the answer is?

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Sorry this took so long to reply!

I thought about it, and since he DID made the first move by giving me his card, I decided to send him a message via email.

I said something like "Hey! You gave me your card the other night at Del Taco! I decided to check out your website.. you seem really cool!" I figured then he had a way to contact me if he wanted, but it wasn't like I was making any moves.

He replied, and it went back and forth for a few emails before he asked for my number.

Eventually he asked me on a date! I didn't even have to use any of your ways to get guys to ask you on dates! (They really work by the way.. I've tried out most of them!)

It took a few weeks for the date to actually happen since he's a pretty busy kid, but we finally went on a date this weekend! :) It turned out to be really fun!

Another quick question!

My parents seem genuinely worried that I DON'T have a boyfriend. Every time I get home from a date, they ask "Well are you going to date him?" or "Did you kiss him?" It's really frustrating that they automatically assume that EVERY guy I go on a date with is my "boyfriend". They (mainly my dad) can't seem to wrap their heads around the idea of casual group dating. (Possibly because they never did any casual group dating of their own in high school.. They were dating each other.) And they're shocked that I don't do more kissing!

Now that I'm 18, it's getting worse. My parents pretty much bring up marriage every single day. They were married fresh out of high school, so why shouldn't I be? Honestly, I am sooo not ready for eternal commitment! I'm still in High School! It seems like everyone is pushing me towards single dating! Even my bishop suggested that I try out singles ward.

I guess I'm at that iffy in-between stage.. and I can't decide which side of the line to be on! I'm older than everyone in high school, (late birthday) so I'm the same age as all of my friends that are ready to hop into the YSA world.. and everyone's waiting for me to join them!

So I guess my question is... Should I try out singles ward and open the door for the opportunity for "real" dating, or should I stick with what I'm comfortable with til after graduation?
I've heard it both ways! So what do you think?

- Probably

Dear Probably,

Well first of all let me tell you that I was excited to hear about your date and I really appreciate hearing the "How a Girl Can Get a Guy to Ask Her on a Date" stuff has worked for you.

It's not my place to disagree with parents, but I'm not going to tell an 18-year old girl that she should have a boyfriend and do more kissing, either. And I'm not going to tell someone your age that she should run out and get married or do dating stuff that makes her feel uncomfortable.

Besides, as far as your parents wanting to talk to you about your dates and inquire about your physical activities, I'm not sure they mean to pressure you. When you love someone it's natural to want them to be happy, and we tend to think that what makes (or has made) us happy will make them happy, too. Add to that a parent's desire to be a part of their children's lives, and you should expect (and be grateful for) your parents asking you about your love life.

Keep Casual Group Dating. Don't rush to the Singles Ward. The time for that and Serious Single Dating will come soon enough.

- Bro Jo

Medical Marijuana

2011-09-21T07:00:00.013-06:00

Dear Bro Jo,

I love your blog and have asked you many questions. In past questions, I have mentioned medical issues, I have been sick for 5 months with chronic pain and other things due to an auto immune disease. I am unable to have many foods and have refused to take pain killers such as Norco and hydro-codeine. Due to the pain they are now looking into alternate treatments such as acupuncture and medical cannabis since nothing is working.

As an LDS youth, you can see my issue. What do I do?

I suffer from a phobia of needles due to a wrongly done spinal tap and blood tap epidural.

What is your view on use of medical marijuana?

Sincerely,

Lost and Confused

Dear Lost,

If a member of my family was in a similar situation, I would counsel them not to smoke marijuana for medical purposes. I feel that violates the Word of Wisdom, and I think meeting God with a clear conscience, having obeyed his commandments and enduring the pain is much better than the alternative.

- Bro Jo

Gossip, Forgiveness, and the Power of Service

2011-09-19T07:00:00.018-06:00

Bro Jo-

This isn't a question about dating. I'm looking for advice from a fellow Mormon about forgiveness. I hope that's okay.

My sophomore year of high school, a girl who had been my "best friend" suddenly turned on me - literally overnight. Her name will be Sarah. I honestly don't know what I did to make her act the way she did. It was all the classic "mean girl" things - spreading gossip and lies to our mutual friends, telling me I couldn't sit at lunch with them anymore, giving me the silent treatment, etc. Sarah was in my ward, and as a result, most of the young women were very mean to me. So I stopped going. She turned all of my closest friends against me and I spent the rest of sophomore year alone and quite depressed.

I have inferiority and guilt issues from abuse/neglect as a child, as well as an anxiety disorder. Things like this seem to affect me more than normal people. After Sarah did this - and after another very close friend, Doug, did a very similar thing the following summer - I found myself seriously struggling with my relationships. I went back over Sarah and Doug's actions over and over, trying to figure out what I had done to drive these people away, and couldn't come up with anything.

So I guess I decided that it was just me, people just could only stand me for so long until they inevitably left me behind. I felt like there was something deeply, innately wrong with me that kept other people from really wanting me, and those feelings showed in my behavior. I felt unable to trust people's intentions and withdrew from them, convinced that if I spent too much time around them or invested myself in them, they would abandon me, too.

It seems extreme, but I'm just telling my story.

I can't tell you how many times my mom and my therapist tried to convince me that these peoples' actions were not my fault, that it was "their problem." I wanted to believe them. I just couldn't. That, basically, was the root of all of these issues.

I'm now in my junior year and am doing much better. These issues come up occasionally, but in the last few months I have been working really hard on stretching myself, serving others, and gradually trusting others. I even have a few close friends, whereas last year I couldn't even get to that point. The Lord has been helping me a great deal.

I recently reconciled with Doug. He apologized for his actions and wouldn't let me say that any of it was my fault. It took an enormous weight off of my shoulders just to officially end that conflict and feel the peace it left. But it made me think about Sarah. I realized that I haven't forgiven her at all. I feel an enormous amount of bitterness and pain when I think about her. I don't see her in person anymore, because she moved and changed schools, but she still hangs out with many of my friends.

They practically worship her, and I resent that. I tried to reconcile with Sarah towards the beginning of this school year, but she refused to listen to me and insisted that I had deserved everything that happened (but never explained what exactly I did wrong). I'm sure she has no idea the magnitude of her actions.

Due to all my efforts with these issues, along with help from the Lord, I am beginning to truly believe that I am a daughter of God who is worthy of being loved by other people and that I am not really responsible for Sarah's actions. But without answers, reconciliation, or an apology, I find myself unable to forgive her. I genuinely want to. I don't want to carry around this burden anymore, and refusing to forgive is a sin that I don't want to be guilty of. I keep thinking of the Savior and his admonition to forgive always, and I really want to let go of this.

What steps can I take to finally forgive her?

Sorry if this was long. I can't help it.

:)

Thanks in advance.

-Still Hurting

Dear Hurting,

Some things take time, even more time than we want them to. That's ok.

You're right to want to forgive, and you're right to keep trying. Be patient; it will happen.

I posted something once on the Facebook page about what Sister Jo says regarding service; nothing makes us feel better than being of service to others. As you work towards forgiving your friend keep looking for opportunities to serve others. I promise that your service will help you feel better and help you to forgive.

Remember the reason we're supposed to forgive others is because Christ has helped us to be forgiven. Our forgiving shows gratitude. As you continue to grow closer to the Savior you'll be better able to forgive.

You're on the right track, just keep moving forward.

When you're ready, try doing a selfless and anonymous act of service for "Sarah"; it will feel wonderful!

- Bro Jo

The Apocrypha and Other "Missing" Scriptures

2011-09-16T07:00:00.025-06:00

Dear Bro Jo,

I know you usually don't take this kind of question, but I'm really curious and just feel like you're the person I should ask.

I was reading through the Bible Dictionary and found the part about the "Apocrypha." I was wondering if you could tell me what exactly it is, since I didn't get a good description of it from the BD.

It basically just said it was a book (partially?) revealed in D&C 91. Have you heard anything about it?

Do we have it, or is it lost like parts of the Book of Mormon?

- Curious

Dear Curious,

Great question as Seminary this year is covering the Old Testament!

"Apocrypha" is a term applied to several different texts in any of several combination, more a collection of works (like the Bible) than an individual text. Typically these works cover a period of time between Malachi and the New Testament. Over the centuries there's been some debate as to their authenticity and validity as "scripture", but to be honest, that can be said of other parts of the OT as well (such as the "Song of Solomon"). These books aren't missing, per se; they still exist and can be found in older (think 1600's) versions of the scriptures and as separate texts on their own (you can buy them at Amazon).

Wikipedia actually has a pretty good explanation, discussion of the history of the term, and lists of the texts located therein (click HERE).

You may also want to research the Septuagint, which is also mentioned in your Bible Dictionary. Of interest, I think, is that the Books of the Maccabees (1 and 2) are often included in one or the other, the Septuagint or the Apocrypha, depending on which religion is considering them. Its from the Maccabees that we get Hanukkah.

I personally don't see anything wrong with reading uplifting and inspirational texts in addition to canonized scripture, but the more I've researched and read the more I have a Testimony of the statement made that a person can grow closer unto God by reading the Book of Mormon than by any other text.

The Apocrypha and other potentially sacred texts (if you search you can find several lists, not surprisingly some are better than others), and things such as The Dead Sea Scrolls, may indeed have great Spiritual value, but I think we're better off spending our time understanding basic truths (like what it feels like to feel the Spirit and the meaning and purpose of the Atonement in our individual lives) than digging through spiritual minutia. Plus, the truth is, a lot of that stuff gets pretty muddled and contradictory, which is another reason why modern day prophetic revelation is so important.

Hope that helps. Keep up your Gospel studies!

- Bro Jo

How to Break Up with Her - Follow Up

2011-09-14T07:00:00.000-06:00

[Readers - About 9 months ago I published "How to Break Up with Her", my response to a letter from a young man in Australia who was being pursued by a girl at school, and he wanted me to give him a list of ways on how to gently break it off. The Follow Up to that letter follows a rerun of the original post below. - Bro Jo]

Hello there Bro Jo,

I’m a teenager writing to you after having read your blog for a while (it’s a very great one I have to say) and noticing I need some help of my own after some recent events.

You see. There’s this girl (non member) that likes me (and I have to admit I like her a bit too) that has asked me out. I said yes and almost instantly I felt a weird feeling that felt like it was saying “no” (and I’m pretty sure I know what that was). Now she is already saying stuff like “I love you” in a text, or “miss you”

I have met up with girl a few times before this and on those occasions we have kissed (they weren't too passionate) and held hands. Etc. but on those occasions I always felt ‘empty’ inside when I did kiss and afterwards I felt down.

I’m pretty sure I know this girl is not the right one for me. Because in my patriarchal blessing it says something about a beautiful young woman and me marrying her in the temple (yay!!) but right now I just need some help in breaking up and also to help prevent events like this happening again. I don't want to be too mean to her as I am not a very good talker with girls.

I just want help with this girl so I can prevent sins that I know will tempt me if I continue down this path because I know this church is true and I have a strong testimony of the gospel. And I don’t want to lose the chance to marry a “beautiful young woman” when I am older

Yours truly,

Marcoda

Dear Marcoda,

Breaking up is tough, my man, especially if you want to maintain your "good guy" status.

Before I give you advice on this one, I hope you don't mind if I point out that: A) this is why young people should avoid the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing at your age, and B) what I've been saying to girls for years is true: don't be the pursuer.

Okay, now that I've got that out of my system, here's the key to breaking up with a teenage girl: do it fast and keep it simple.

The longer you wait the more horrific it can be. Unless she's decided she doesn't like you or, more likely, she's found someone else, she's going to be hurt and angry and mad no matter what you do or say. I'm a firm believer that there's no such thing as an amicable mutual breakup. So hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

There are some things you can say to lessen the blow. Here are some favorites (but keep in mind that Ol' Bro Jo got dumped WAY MORE than he did the breaking up):

Bro Jo's THINGS a GUY CAN SAY to SOFTEN the BREAKUP

1. "I think you're a wonderful girl, but I'm just not in a place right now where I want a girlfriend"

Yup. That's it. Pretty short list, huh?

The truth is that anything more than that spells disaster. Any reason you give, any explanation, is just going to make it worse. Don't make any promises you won't be able to keep, like "let's just be friends" or things you don't believe like "it's not you it's me".

Be brave. Try to do it in person.

But do it soon. Do it now.

Good luck.

Let me know how it goes.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

As for an update I'm sorry for taking so long to reply....I've been really busy with school and other things (one of them being EFY...and I'd like to say this to all youth...it will change your life so much. Go to it no matter the cost, you will never be the same again). I never really thought about your question until recently.

Well you'll be happy to hear that me and that girl no longer go out, and she goes out with other guys. But she has tried to ask me out again recently when she broke up with a guy but this time I took your advice and said that I don't want a girlfriend right now.she kinda begged for me to be her boyfriend but I stood firm and still said no.

I'd like to say that yes you are right in that its not a good idea to have a girlfriend around my age, and i know without a doubt in my heart that this church is true... and I do look forward to that day where I meet that beautiful young woman I will marry ...whoever that is...=)

Thanks,

Marcoda

Dear Marcoda,

You not having a girlfriend is not a source of joy for me. You staying focused on a mission, realizing that this girl is just using you between boyfriends, and holding true to your standards makes me very proud of you.

All the best,

- Bro Jo

Does He Like Her or Not?

2011-09-12T07:00:00.008-06:00

Dear Mr. Bro Jo,

So there is this guy that I like right? And he's super cute, totally my type, and such a sweetheart.

Well... a while ago I finally asked him if he liked me as well. It seemed like it, and people had told me that he did... but I just needed to know for myself, ya know?

So I talked to him and he's like yeah I really like you but I’m not really the boyfriend/girlfriend type. which was totally fine by me!

Time passed and now I have no idea whatsoever if he still likes me or not. Some days it seems like he does, and some days it seems like he doesn’t. How do I know if he does??? I don’t know what to do!

Sincerely,

(well I can’t tell you. haha)

Dear Anonymous,

Well . . . he told you he did. Perhaps you should talk to him and see what's up.

But if you're still in High School I'd say back off a bit. He already told you he's not looking for a commitment.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo

Yeah... you’re totally right. I was making it a lot more complicated then it needed to be.

Thanks for clarifying it for me!

- Annon

Dear Annon,

Anytime.

- Bro Jo

Has She Really Repented, or Did She Skip a Step?

2011-09-09T07:00:00.005-06:00

Dear Bro Jo,

A few months ago, I was finally able to honestly say to myself that I would never cut myself again. I felt like I had resolved my problem with myself and the lord and been completely forgiven by both.

After repenting, it was as if someone else had done those things, not me. I could no longer feel that sin on my conscience. But after reading some of the things on your blog, I feel like I "skipped a step" in the repentance process by not talking to my bishop.

My parents never knew, my bishop never knew. I only ever told one friend about it. So even though I was completely sure that it was over, I'm wondering if I should see my bishop about it. Should I? You always tell people to see their bishops, so I'm wondering if I should even though it's over.

- Conflicted and Confused

P.S.- Are there any sins that absolutely everyone needs to see their bishop about? I know you hate "listing" sins, but are there some that, just by their natures, need to be told to the bishop no matter how much you've repented on your own?

Dear Conflicted,

The rule of thumb is that you should talk to your Bishop if you need help repenting or the sin is something that might call your worthiness into question. If you're ever not sure, I say error on the side of having the conversation.

It sounds to me like you have everything resolved. If you feel you need to talk to your Bishop, then do.

And, by the way . . . I'm very proud of you.

- Bro Jo

Should a Missionary Hear About Troubles at Home?

2011-09-07T07:00:00.001-06:00

Dear Bro Jo,

Okay so I know that you don't agree with the idea of girls waiting for missionaries, and I respect that, but that is (sort of) what I'm doing here... so if you don't want to give me advice on said missionary that's okay, I plan to ask my parents when they come home from work later anyway... I just thought I could use some outside advice.

This isn't about waiting for a missionary . . . or dating.

It's a long story... but, The missionary I have been writing to for 21 months comes home soon, and a lot has happened while he's been gone. I've had limited contact with his family because they live so far away from here; it’s mostly been texting his brothers every couple of weeks and some talking on Facebook.

Anyway, since Elder F left on his mission both of his brothers have left the Church. I found out that one of his brothers had a baby with his girlfriend . . . I just assumed Elder F knew but hadn't said anything about it in his letters because he was so busy teaching people at that time.

Apparently I was wrong... today I got a letter from Elder F.

"I only found out about S at Christmas during my phone call home. I really do not know anything. It’s like I'm non-existent or something. I'm going to go back and not know who is my family at this rate. A lot changes in two years . . ."

Now I don't know what to do... I know his other brother is also having a baby; I have been sent pictures of his nephew . . . Should I send him a picture? I feel awful that I knew months before he did and that I also have pictures.

- Best Friend of a Missionary.

Dear Friend,

It's not your place to interject yourself into family business, so sending him pictures is a no-no. However, encouraging his brothers to do so is a good idea. (Clearly one reason they haven't is because they're embarrassed to admit to their doing-right brother that they've screwed up so horribly. They may also be thinking that if they clouded his life with their issues it would distract him from the Lord's work - another reason why you shouldn't butt in.)

For now continue to write him encouraging and supportive letters. In a month or two it will also be appropriate to write to him and let him know that you're looking forward to seeing him again, and that you hope the two of you can spend some time together.

He is right, you know, a lot changes in two years when someone is gone.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

I know a lot can change in two years, I'll be the first to admit a lot has changed while Elder F has been gone but in all honesty, him being gone has just made me like and respect him more and I'm looking forward to spending time with my best friend again when he comes home.

I know it isn't my place to 'butt in' which is why I have always been careful when he asks me about his family -- his family don't write that often, he only hears from his parents every couple of months and he's never had a letter from his brothers (who are both older than him) so I’m not entirely sure encouraging them to send him pictures of his nephew would work but I'll give it a try.

- Friend

Dear Friend,

You don't “have to” encourage his brothers, but you can. There's a difference, you know.

- Bro Jo

He's Desperate for a Second Date - Part 8

2011-09-05T07:00:00.002-06:00

[Readers - What follows is the next letter in a series of emails between myself and "Desperate". He's frustrated that his dating life isn't going the way he hopes it will. If you'd like to read the previous letters, I posted parts 1-5 starting on June 20, 2011. Click HERE to jump there. I'll post a new letter in this series the first Monday of each month. Please feel free to comment; I only ask that you be sensitive and sincere. - Bro Jo]

Dear D,

So . . . tomorrow we run part 7 of our conversations. There have been lots of comments. What have you taken away from them and this experience?

Something struck me in your last correspondence. You said "no engagements yet" . . .

Funny, but I think that sums up everything I (and everyone else) have been trying to say.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

I'm so sorry! Please forgive me for not writing back.

In my last e-mail, I said that I was going to take a break from dating... and that's what I have done. I haven't asked for a date in almost 2 months and it has been great! Remembering what you said about not pushing so hard, I've just gone out and had a good time. I've rediscovered the joy that comes in forgetting about myself. Since I've stopped stressing over my dating disappointments, my church service has developed strongly. I've focused on people in my ward that I can help in some small way, and that has been wonderful. Some of my friends have remarked that I seem calmer and less frustrated with things. My professional life has never been better! I'm in line for a promotion at work and I am far less anxious each day I'm there.

All of these blessings I can attribute to my decision to stop worrying over things I can't control. There are several hundred LDS girls in my area, 95% of whom are not interested in me, and nothing I can do will ever change that. The other 5% I've dated already and realized that things won't work out. While I may start dating again, it's not on the cards at the moment.

As to what I've taken away from the comments? I've gained a greater testimony of relying upon Christ. He has experienced every pain and disappointment, and I know that through Him I will be lifted up at the last day. Whatever opinions people might have of me, they mean nothing compared to what the Lord thinks of me. He sees me as a glorious being, filled with endless potential. Most importantly, I must be happy with myself. And I am!

Although your counsel hasn't been ultimately successful, it has still been a blessing to have come across your blog. And I LOVE the happy stories that others share. They inspire to be worthy of and ready for more great opportunities.

I'll let you know if anything changes.

Kind regards

- No longer disappointed

Dear No Longer,

I'm glad you're happy.

I'm not certain you followed anything I suggested . . . exactly. I suggested to stop pushing . . . not to swear off dating entirely. As I know you know, life is about balance; when the pendulum swings back the other way, don't let it swing back quite so far.

Remember, "we only lose when we quit".

With best wishes for your continued joy,

- Bro Jo

A Reminder About Courtesy

2011-08-31T07:00:00.013-06:00

Hey Bro Jo!

I thought of you when I saw this article... pretty good write-up.

The only part I disagree with is holding the door for other parties who follow your date. I believe you should if they follow quickly enough after... anything else is awkward. I had never really noticed my father's chivalrous actions growing up as unusual... they were engrained from an early age that’s just what you do. I'm thankful now.

http://artofmanliness.com/2011/06/08/opening-door-for-woman/

- BJ

Thanks, BJ.

Good article.

I find it very frustrating when I'm holding the door for Sister Jo and some other guy comes through. Old guy, wheel-chair guy, that's fine.

But guys under 60?

Very irritating.

I've started watching them coming, and then when they get to me I say "here you go; I'm going to stick with my date" and I motion for them to take the door. Most guys are pretty good about it. They don't mind holding the door for their party, they just need some education. Probably because their fathers weren't as good an example for them as yours was for you.

Thanks for this great reminder about how we should all treat each other with kindness.

- Bro Jo

Prayer Beads

2011-08-29T07:00:00.000-06:00

Hello,

I am 16 years old. Recently due to a lot of medical setbacks i haven't been my full self. I can no longer walk or eat along with much more ,what i call, medical nonsense. Because of this set back, I cannot leave my bed and haven't been to church in nearly 3 months ( I attended a mutual once but I got really sick after and my condition got worse). Usually when I am sad i cook or clean, but for obvious reasons I cannot do that. I once owned a CTR ring, which i would always twiddle with when I was nervous or concentrating, but I misplaced it when I visited a friend from out of town.

After watching the movie "Eat. Pray. Love", I saw prayer beads and loved the idea of them. That they are meant to take away bad energy and stress and bring serenity (I am half Japanese so I had heard of them before in Buddhist customs from my dad's side, but didn't understand the idea) something I need at home when I am in pain or when I am having some work or procedure done and am nervous.

My mom gave me a cross (she came from a catholic family and it is an old family heirloom) in the mean time to bring with me for my next doctor appointments just to help me spiritually until my Grandma finishes my prayer beads. (She too is a Mormon and is making them as an effort to help me in any way she can.)

I was wondering, however, is it sacrilegious for a Mormon to use Prayer Beads for a meditation purpose?

What if a Mormon were to use a Rosary?

Thank you and I hope to hear from you soon!

Sincerely,

- Wondering

Dear Wondering,

"Sacrilegious" is treating a Holy Noun (person, place, thing or idea) as if it isn't holy (or sacred). I believe that Good People treat the Holy Nouns of others with respect, even if they don't subscribe to the sacredness of that particular item. While I'm a Latter-day Saint, and as such am a Disciple of Christ, I would never defile another faith's parish, statue or icon; it's disrespectful, and certainly wouldn't speak well of me as someone who should be representing the teachings of Jesus.

So, to use "prayer beads" for the purpose that they're are intended, unless that culture feels that such items should only be used by faithful members or members of the clergy (for example) would not be disrespectful, and therefore not sacrilegious.

Now, for various reasons, old Bro Jo is familiar with several world religions and cultures. (Perhaps that's not a surprise.) You may not know that the "purpose" of a Rosary is to keep track of certain pre-scripted prayers as one says them in a certain quantity and progression. Rosary beads also are to remind the user of certain events in the Gospel, or other things as denoted by the Pope. As you've noted, other religions use prayer beads, too, some even calling them a "rosary".

As a Latter-day Saint, I believe that prayer should follow the pattern that Christ set, being guided by the Spirit, and not using the exact words recorded or written by another, except in the case of performing an ordinance (like the Sacrament Prayer). That is, as taught:

1. Open by addressing Heavenly Father (for it is Him and only Him to whom we should pray)

2. Thank Heavenly Father for that with which he has blessed you and others (all good things come from God, and to be thankful is to be humble)

3. Ask Him specifically for what you need (but acknowledge that it is our will that needs to bend to His, not the other way around)

4. Close in the name of Jesus Christ (for it is through His atonement that we call can return to live with Heavenly Father again)

Do I think it's "okay" for a Latter-day Saint to use the sacred objects of other religions to help them remember the Savior and His sacrifice on our behalf?

Well . . . I don't know that I see anything wrong with it (although I'm sure not everyone agrees with me), other than I think it might pull one's focus away from Christ and the Church and on to things that are not Gospel centered. Remember, the focus should be on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, not another person or object. Please ponder how that applies in this situation.

You're dealing with some pretty big trials right now, and I don't know what God's will is for you, but I believe in miracles, I believe in healing, and I believe that as hard as they are, our trials here are but a blink in the eternal scheme of things.

I hope you've received a priesthood blessing, and encourage you to ask for one if you haven't already.

If those symbols bring you and your family comfort and help you focus on the Savior, then I personally think it's fine. If I were in your shoes and a non-LDS grandma brought me a statue or object that she thought would help me, and if that item didn't detract from the Spirit I needed to feel and the Gospel I needed to remember, I'd display it out of gratitude and respect for her.

Now, that said, over the years I've received a few presents that represented either other religious cultures (including a couple "heirlooms") and some things that advertised products or things that aren't in keeping with LDS culture (like R-rated or otherwise inappropriate movies and TV shows, alcohol containers, and even pictures of family in places or doing things that weren't good examples of the Word of Wisdom). None of those things can be found in our home. Some of the "heirlooms" are safely packaged away, lest the giver ask about it some day. Most of the stuff is . . . gone.

Not to be ungrateful, except for the items given with the intent of dragging my family from "the oppressive LDS Church", most items were given out of sincerity; but Sister Jo and I want people who enter our home to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that our family is LDS. We don't display much, but we hope that what people do see on our walls, bookshelves and in other places throughout our home, won't lead them to question our faith or sincerity.

We hope.

Were I in your shoes, the things I would want near me to help me remember the important spiritual things might include:

- A picture of Christ (I prefer the ones where he's living, or resurrected, instead of those that focus on his death, but that's me)

- My scriptures (not just a reminder, but something to read as well)

- My wedding band (which reminds me of my eternal covenants with Sister Jo)

- Pictures of my family (whom I plan to be with for time and all eternity)

- My Temple Recommend (a reminder of covenants I've made and the Spirit I've felt)

And, as an endowed member of the Church, I would of course be wearing my garments which remind me of many aspects of the gospel. (If surgery or hospitalization or some other circumstance, prevented me from wearing them, I'd want them close.)

Remember, though, that while they can help us focus on the Savior, it's not an object that truly releases stress and helps us spiritually heal; it's Him.

I hope this helps a little.

Please know that I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you. Trust the Spirit.

May you be blessed with what you need,

- Bro Jo

PS: You can find some interesting, and perhaps insightful, articles online regarding the religious symbols of other faiths through the Church website. Simply go to LDS.org and in the "search" bar type in "rosary" - or anything else you're curious about - or click on this link HERE.

Dating a Pregnant Girl - Part 3

2011-08-26T07:00:00.005-06:00

Dear Readers,

Last October I posted a letter from a young man who was dating a girl who was pregnant (by someone else). Then, the following week I posted part 2 (the letters had actually been sent to me a couple months apart - you all realize, I imagine, that most - not all, but most - "Dear Bro Jo" letters are posted quite a while after I actually correspond with the writers). In the second letter, the young man said that she had given the baby up for adoption (something that, as someone who was adopted, I have a lot of gratitude and admiration for), and they were dating, but with extreme caution.

Well, in case you were wondering how it all turned out, here's part three.

(You can read the first letter by clicking HERE, and jump to the second by clicking HERE.)

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Awhile back I emailed you asking for advice about a pregnant girl that I was dating. We continued dating and she gave her child up for adoption. Things progressed between us and now we are getting married. On (date withheld)! In the (location withheld) Temple!

I just wanted to say thank you for your advice and being a listening ear during a turbulent time in our relationship. Sometimes things really do have a happy ending.

Thanks Bro Jo!

- Still Smitten

Dear Smitten,

Congratulations to you both!

Sister Jo and I wish you every happiness.

- Bro Jo

Will Her Patience Pay Off?

2011-08-22T07:00:00.023-06:00

Hey Bro Jo,

Soooo...I have a friend on his mission in (location withheld) who gets home in just a couple months. I REALLY like him...a lot! We met 3yrs ago this coming summer on a commuter train where he used to work. We hit it off. I really liked him then and told him, but he shot me down and told me that he just wasn't interested. (This was before he decided he even wanted to go on a mission).

So about 4-5 months after that I found out he was putting his mission papers in....I was way excited for him and yet sad that I wouldn't get to see him for 2 years. Well, we have been writing back and forth consistently this whole time and have become just super close friends. I've been the good friend that encourages him, bears testimony and just does what I can to help keep him focused on his mission.

But, now....he comes home in less than 4 months. He's changed a lot and well, so have I. In his letters he's always saying he loves me and always inquiring about my plans for the future, etc...Is that just the "missionary" in him?

I think its great he cares but the last thing I want to do is to get my hopes up. u know? I have never met anyone like him....honest. What kind of a guy would still want to be friends with a girl who told them they really liked him?

I mean, basically every other guy that I've done that to has turned and ran away as fast as they could and then never talk to me again. haha. On top of that, he's super spiritual and funny and friendly and we get along so great. I'm really good friends with his best friend and it just seems like things keep falling into place one step at a time.

I'm 26 and he'll be 22 in April when he comes home, but I'm drawn to him and keep thinking maybe he could be that someone I've been waiting for all along...and then, maybe not....who knows?

Am I being irrational over this whole thing? What do I do? I definitely don't want to be dumb about this whole thing. I want him to give me a chance but, I don't want to make the same mistakes as before when I first met him.

Any advice would be sooo great!

Thanks a million,

Unsure

Dear Unsure,

I don't know what "mistake" you made before, and I don't think I'd call what you're feeling irrational . . . premature, perhaps, but not irrational.

The guy isn't even home yet - relax! Let the guy focus on the last season of his mission. When he comes home and has had a chance to breathe then you can switch modes from "supportive girl back home" to "girl he should ask out".

If he does and it works out, great! If he doesn't or it doesn't work out, well . . . at least then you'll know and can move on. If someone asks you out in the interim you should absolutely go; no sense hanging all of your dreams on just one star.

Yes, at some point you may need to confess your feelings and see if it's mutual, but let's not try to cross that bridge before we get there.

- Bro Jo

Getting Ready to Confess

2011-08-19T07:00:00.007-06:00

Dear Bro Jo,

So I've finally decided to talk to my branch president. I've needed to for a few years, but I had tried convincing myself I was fine. I now know that it's time to let go of my sins and quit beating myself up for them every second of every day. (I'd rather not elaborate)

What I'm wondering is how would you tell your bishop/branch president what the sin(s) were, and that you want to be done with them and fully repent? I've been so close to self-harming because of this (and other reasons, but thankfully I haven't gotten that far).

So how do I tell him? I'm worried about it, but part of me isn't. I feel like I've made myself suffer enough. I need to deal with this. I need to be able to move on.

Any help would be amazing. Thank you.

- Trying

Dear Trying,

Make the appointment.

Pray before you meet.

Once you're in his office and it's your turn to speak (he may want to open with a prayer) take a deep breath and just start talking. Don't hold anything back.

Let the Spirit be your guide. You'll be fine.

Very proud of you for taking this step.

- Bro Jo

Becoming a Better Man

2011-08-17T07:00:00.015-06:00

Dear Bro Jo,
I'm just writing to you hoping you'd have some advice for me...

This doesn't need to be published, unless you really want to.

Around 6 months ago, I made the mistake of getting too involved with a girl, relationship wise.
I'm keen to start casually dating good, Church member girls, although the only reason that I want to date is to learn about myself, women, and qualities I want in a future spouse.

My main goal with dating is for me to learn what I want in a wife, as I believe choosing a wife is the biggest decision I will ever make..

I'm here to ask if you have written anything about becoming a better man - I want to use the time I have now to grow and become a great potential husband.

Also, what ages of girls should i be looking at dating? girls my age and older just want RM's . . .

Casual Dating is not as easy as I thought it would be, mainly because there are not a lot of girls age 16+ around.

Thanks,

B

Dear B,

To become a better man, in my opinion, one must work at being a better Disciple of Christ. As you read through the New Testament, look at what Christ says we will do if we love him; and notice where He says how He will know we are his friends.

Nothing worth doing in life comes easy, and that includes Casual Group Dating. Keep trying.

As a 16-19 year old young man, I think you should focus on 16-18 year old young women.

- Bro Jo

Getting a Guy Ready for Casual Group Dating

2011-08-15T07:00:00.014-06:00

Hey Bro Jo,

You, sir, are a genius. I read your blog every day. Thank you so much!

Now I have a question...

Next week is the birthday of the guy I've liked ever since I moved in at the beginning of the summer. This is important because it means he is 16 and able to date.

We've talked about dating before and he said he wasn't sure he was excited for that. We haven't talked about it recently, but he's sweet and kind and I guess what my question is: how do I help him be excited to date, and specifically, to date me?

I've read your tips on how to get a guy to ask you out, and they all seem too forward for my personality. I just want something a little bit subtler that actually gets my point across. Is there something like that I can try?

I'm pretty shy, especially when it comes to guys.

J.

Dear J,

Thanks for that, I've been trying to convince Sister Jo of my supreme intelligence for years . . .

Hasn't worked yet!

As for this guy, just talk to him. Get to know him better so he feels comfortable around you. (Remember that talking is more about Listening.) Don't become his buddy or his pal, but be the cute girl that's fun and nice to talk to. (Do you see the difference?) Use his birthday as an excuse to talk about dating a little. Make this less "you should date me" and more "so . . . now that you just turned 16, have you changed your mind about Casual Group Dates?"

If he doesn't know what CGD's are, well then . . . tell him! Explain that they're great because it's like a priest-Laurel activity, just paired up and without leaders. (Or get him a copy of "Bro Jo's Guide to Casual Group Dating" for his birthday! Or suggest to his parents that they get him one!)

And remind the other, older priests that they have a moral obligation to teach this new guy how it's done.

Have fun!

- Bro Jo

In Love at 17?

2011-08-12T07:00:00.008-06:00

Dear Bro Jo

Is it a bad idea to think you might be in love at the age of 17? I don’t know how to describe these feelings other than love. Could you help? I’ve known this person for about seven years and I know he likes me back so what can I do when I think these feelings are a lot more than liking each other?

-Confused

Dear Confused,

It's not a bad idea to think you're in love, and it's totally possible.

However, it's NOT a good idea to do anything about it. Serious Single Dating shouldn't happen for guys until after they're home from their mission and for girls until they've graduated high school and turned 18.

As far as your feelings go: enjoy them. Write in your journal; describe how you feel so that in the future you'll be able to go back and recall these great moments. And, occasionally, go on Casual Group Dates with this guy.

Follow the Dating Rules. That means going out with other guys, too, even if you're not "in love" with them.

Guard yourself against temptation. No alone time and no serious commitments.

Love is grand; have fun!

- Bro Jo

Married Really Young or Not at All

2011-08-10T07:00:00.022-06:00

Hi Bro Jo!

I'm so glad I stumbled upon your blog! It's GREAT!

Anyhow...A lot of your questions seemed to be aimed at younger LDS members so I have a question about older LDS singles. When I say older, I mean 22. ha.

I'm a recent convert to the Church and one of the things that is scaring me the most is that it seems like there are two extremes in the Church with regards to dating. Either you're married REALLY young (like my age, and younger) or you never get married at all.

I'm 22, about to graduate from college with no boyfriend, no single LDS boys in my immediate area, and am beginning to panic. I know this is silly, but am I doomed to be single for the rest of my life??? :(

Hopefully, you don't think I'm too nuts and help me out!

- Too Late?

Dear Just Fine,

Welcome!

You're not too late and you're not "doomed to be single", so don't panic! (And how you feel isn't silly, either.)

Because our faith celebrates the joys of families many members are drawn to that path younger than much of the world, and there's nothing wrong with that. While there are challenges with being married "young", (and my personal opinion is that 19 for girls and 21 for guys is as young as they should go), if two people are committed to making a marriage work (and believe you me, it IS work), then I think it's fine.

But for others, (most actually) finding an eternal companion doesn't typically happen under 23 (sometimes even 30). If the existence of this little column (now regularly read by over 20,000 people, members and non, in over 40 nations around the world - mind blowing!) proves just a couple things, one of them has got to be that there are literally thousands upon thousands of Single Latter-day Saints who are your age and concerned about marriage. So, not only are you not alone, but there are lots of great prospects out there!

If you're interested in meeting a great and temple-worthy spouse (and as one who is constantly grateful for a good marriage - didn't say perfect - and great kids - they're not perfect, either! - both take lots of work, let me say that you should be!) then there are things you can do.

You've just graduated college; the world is at your feet! Get active in Church Activities in your area; go to Young Single Adult Conferences and Firesides and Sacraments and Institute Classes and everything you can find where you can meet new people with your same standards.

If the pickings are just too slim in your area, consider moving (it's not as scary or as impossible as you might think).

Maybe marriage will happen for you during this existence, and maybe it will happen in the next one; your obligation is to be the best person you can and actively seek those blessings which Heavenly Father has in store, married or single.

Relax.

And go on some dates!

- Bro Jo

The Morning After

2011-08-08T07:00:00.000-06:00

Dear Bro Jo,

I love your blog btw. It is pretty awesome.

The reason I'm emailing you is not awesome. In fact, its pretty downright terrible.

I'm just going to get into it: I'm in YSA and have been on a few dates with some guys in the ward. Good, wholesome dates. Yeah, maybe we stayed out a little too long but there wasn't anything bad done (no kissing or even physical contact) and nothing inappropriate was said/implied in any of them.

However, I went on a date with someone recently from my ward that I don't really know all too well and we started talking about how I am working on taking the sacrament again (I transgressed a few months ago and have been working on getting my worthiness back) and he said he was doing the same.

We got back to my house and sat in the driveway just talking about things...until the conversation turned to kissing and more. We mutually concluded that we wanted to kiss each other. So...because kissing in front of my parents (still live at home...im only 20) house is awkward, we went to his house. I KNOW: BAD IDEA.

But I (naively) thought all we were going to do was make out. He even said that all we were going to do was make out. But when we got to his house and went to his room, the first thing he did was push me on the bed, put his hand in my shirt and started kissing me. The transgression I mentioned before was a VERY close situation to sex. This situation I am emailing you about turned INTO sex. I didn't want it. I also didn't say no (I wanted to..but I was afraid he'd get mad...so I let him). I lost my virginity to a guy I barely know on a first date.

I guess what my question to you is....am I "damaged goods"? Even if I am completely repentant (because I will be... it will just take some time..again), will guys in my YSA, or any YSA for that matter, not want to date or possibly marry me because I'm not a virgin anymore? It wasn't my choice.. I didn't go into the date looking for sex with this guy. Yeah I wanted to make out with him, I won't deny that. I've read some of your other postings about similar things to this, and it was said you don't need to say anything until you're serious with someone-serious to the point of marriage.

I'm just worried because in Mormon culture, virginity and not having sex before marriage are so stressed and I messed up. Big time. I'm afraid the only guys who will be willing to go out with me are sleaze-bag Mormons who want to "get some" from me because I've already done it.

I know this was a long-winded message. And probably really confusing. But thats kind of what my brain looks like right now. Confused and all over the place.

Also, how could I have known he was going to do that to me? My previous transgression-guy was also LDS but he was really inactive, so it made sense to me. This guy is active in the ward. I thought I would be safe with him...and not have to worry too much about boundaries because we have the same boundaries. AND I had even told him that I was working on getting my sacrament and temple worthiness back. So shouldn't he have been like "oh ok she's trying to be good. im not going to take off her pants tonight" instead of being like "oh ok well she knows how to to this, this and this so i am going to take her pants off tonight." ??

I feel betrayed.

And sexually assaulted.

---what to do, what to do?

ps is it possible for you to just reply to this email? ...like not post it online? i don't mind, ultimately, if it goes up...but i would prefer to just get an email back with your insight into the matter...

Dear What to Do,

I typically email those that write in long before I publish their letters. As you might imagine, I get tons of letters, and while I try to answer them all as fast as I can, many don't get posted in the column, and those that do generally (although not always) get posted quite a while after I receive them. A letter like yours will likely get posted because I believe it will help many who have found, or may find, themselves in a similar situation.

Now, I'm going to be very straight with you. Part of that is my style, and part of that is because I love my readers too much not to tell it to them straight; at least as I see it. What follows isn't meant to bring you down or put you down, but my honest assessment given to you in hopes that a dose of honesty and reality will help you mend things with God. Please know that I wrote these things with love and sincere caring for you, my sister.

Here we go.

You weren't sexually assaulted.

You look back now with regret and remorse, and I agree that this guy took advantage of you, but there's nothing about your behavior that would have suggested to him that you didn't want to have happen exactly what happened. A girl who is guarding her virtue, even one who is incredibly naive, does not do what you did. And, let's face it, you're not exactly naive.

Look at what happened.

You talked sexually with a guy at the end of a date while you were alone with him in his car.

You confessed to a man you're not in a relationship with that you'd previously gotten pretty close to sex.

You left your home to go somewhere that you could "make out" with him without getting caught or being seen.

You went back to his house.

You went into his room.

And look at what you didn't do.

You didn't protest at any time. Not when he suggested all of those things, not when he pushed you on the bed, not when he put his hands in your shirt, not as clothes were removed . . . not at any time!

At no time did you in any way communicate your lack of willingness to have sex.

Frankly, my dear, given your behavior, what else was he (or any guy, for that matter) supposed to think?

(If it means anything, Sister Jo is much harsher on this subject than I am. She absolutely loathes when "morning after regret" turns into false claims of sexual assault. In her words: "it mocks and marginalizes actual rape victims and has become an all-too-frequently used excuse when girls don't what to face the sins they've committed". She's not wrong, you know.)

Now, are you damaged?

Well . . . yeah. You are. You've had sex outside of marriage against the commandments of God and the advice of His Prophets.

HOWEVER, and this is very important, through the Atonement of the Savior this kind of damage can be repaired.

You'll never be a virgin again. That which should have been saved for your husband is gone. Yes, there may be many young men out there who hold that as important enough that (when and if they find out) will take you off of their "potential spouses" list. And yes, if this becomes public (and I pray for you that it does not, but you and I have no control over the mouth of the young man that you had sex with) you may find that people treat you differently (they shouldn't, but they may).

But the spiritual damage can be repaired. And that, my dear little sister, is what's really important. Making things right with Heavenly Father is one of the best feelings in the universe, and worth every effort we need to make.

So here's what you do: go see your Bishop today. Tell him everything, including the name of the boy (he'll need to talk to him, too). Get back on the path of repentance, and use how you feel about this event to motivate you in the right direction.

Learn from this situation. Learn about standing in Holy Places and about temptation and about keeping yourself honorable and pure.

Learn that not everyone who is active in our faith is what they pretend to be. Some very bad people use their Church membership (this happens in all faiths, by the way) to mask their addictions and bad behavior. You might be as shocked as I was disappointed to learn just how many people are addicted to pornography (which, as a side note, I'm very confident is one of this young man's problems). And, come on, how righteous did you think this guy was when he told you why he wasn't allowed to partake of the Sacrament either?

Learn that you're not alone, that we're all imperfect and make mistakes, and that through the beauty of the atonement we can be made spiritually whole.

Learn to take responsibility for your actions and inactions.

Learn that rape is an act of violence and control, not simply having sex when you shouldn't have.

Learn what you should and shouldn't do on a date. Learn that you can't be alone with this guy in his car or house again.

Learn that forgiveness is for everyone.

And learn that just because you made this mistake, no one says you have to make it again. YOU are in control of your destiny.

Begin your repentance today.

Don't delay this process. Satan will be working very hard on you (through temptation, embarrassment, and feelings of inadequacy) to keep you from the Love of God that you, yes you, and yes even now, are so deserving of.

You are still a Daughter of God, you are still a good person. You can become Temple worthy again. You can work your way back to partaking of the sacrament again.

And if you follow your Bishop's counsel, and make things right with God, I promise that you will feel wonderful. You'll likely never forget this incident. The Lord forgets our sins, but we don't (that's part of why we don't do them again).

I want you to know that even though we don't know each other, through the Spirit I have love and concern for you. Know that I know that Jesus is the Christ, and that through his atonement we can all be made whole again. Know that I have a testimony of repentance, and that I know that you are now and have always been a Daughter of God who loves you, that you are one of his choice and elect Spirit Children whom he wants to come live with him again.

I pray that all will go well for you, that you'll have the strength you need to make things right. That as you accept forgiveness in your own life and discover your Divine Nature and Individual Worth, that you'll be able to forgive others, even he who treated you with such disrespect.

My heart goes out to you.

Please see your Bishop right away. No excuses.

And know that I'll always be here to help in any way that I can.

May the Lord bless you with what you need,

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Thank you. Frankness is oftentimes the best.

I spoke to my bishop today and I told him everything (including his name). I've been relatively calm since I spoke with my bishop, which I consider a good sign. At least I'm not freaking out or hysterically crying everywhere.

I was really nervous about it because I didn't want the guy to know I talked to the bishop...because, like you said, I didn't do anything to tell him I didn't want it. But the bishop knows what’s best and I trust him. He said I needed to speak with the guy and tell him how this has affected me. And I just don't know if I'm ready for that yet. I feel angry at him for using me like that and I'm angry at myself for allowing myself to be used. I feel myself getting hostile when I think about forgiving him.

I've never had to deal with anything like this before (and hopefully never again) and so I just don't know how to even go about forgiveness..I know about the scripture reading and the daily prayers and avoiding bad situations and whatnot, but to actually forgive?

Thank you,

*new name: baby stepping through the atonement

Dear Stepping,

I'm so proud of you!

You're entitled to be angry, at him and at yourself. I think that's part of the process.

Things take time.

Trust in Christ; you'll never go wrong there. Never forget that you will always be a Daughter of God, and as such are entitled to the Love and Blessings He has for you.

Keep stepping forward.

- Bro Jo