Dear Bro Jo,
I have always been extremely introverted and somewhat socially awkward. In the past I could spend all of my time alone and not really care. It's not that I don't like people or even that I am necessarily shy, I just don't know what to say when taking to people. It is especially difficult for me to talk to girls and adults. This is becoming a problem because I am now 18 and am now one myself and about to serve a mission.
I enjoy spending time with friends and family and I have been trying to come out of my shell but it is simply against my nature. I really want to be able to develop relationships with the people I come into contact with but I don't really know how.
Is it possible to overcome my reclusive nature?
How can I become better at communicating with people?
How can I become comfortable with talking to adults and girls?
- Introverted
Dear Introverted,
How does one become a better swimmer or musician?
Communication is a skill. The more we practice, the better we become.
Instead of focusing on what to say, develop a half dozen "get to know someone questions":
1. What is your name?
2. What is your family like?
3. What do you like to do in your free time?
4. What do you do for work or school?
5. What are your goals? Hopes? Dreams?
6. If you could travel anywhere, where would you like to go?
With each question you ask LISTEN to what the person is saying and think of a followup question.
For example:
"My name is Brother Johnston"
"Cool. Where does the name "Johnston" come from?"
"Well . . . it used to be Johnson before my great-great grandfather decided to add the T. If you go back further in our genealogy it used to be Johansen"
And you continue along that line of conversation as long as it's engaging.
If they ask you a question, you answer.
It's much simpler than you think.
Just practice!
- Bro Jo
Wednesday, February 28, 2018
Monday, February 26, 2018
Is Love "Something We Fall Into" or is it "Something We Choose"? - part 2 of 2
Dear Bro Jo,
Thanks for the awesome advice.
I gave it a month of frequent dates.
The conclusion is still that I think he's an amazing guy, but not the one for me.
Your clip from Hitch was spot on.
I communicated clearly and honestly precisely what I told you, as you advised me.
At first he was understanding and tried, but a few days later he was back to the clingy and overly-affectionate behavior.
He told me he loved me all the time and started talking seriously about marriage, especially after conference.
That should have been a girl's dream come true, but it terrified me. I feel that I was really patient and understanding; a person can't help how they feel.
Additionally, however, a person can't force them self to feel a way they don't. It just got really taxing, and whether it was my gut or the spirit, the answer became clear.
Thanks for the support and your time. Your email gave me a lot of comfort.
- N.W.
Dear N.W.
If all things work out for the best, you'll only date one person that you don't break up with . . .
Now, that said, I can't begin to count how many times Sister Jo and I "broke up" . . . good for me that none of those took!
God bless,
- Bro Jo
PS: Don't give up!
[Dear Readers,
Thought you might like to know that this particular N.W. got married a couple years ago. To someone that when she had originally written these last two emails, she hadn't even met yet.
Best,
- Bro Jo]
Thanks for the awesome advice.
I gave it a month of frequent dates.
The conclusion is still that I think he's an amazing guy, but not the one for me.
Your clip from Hitch was spot on.
I communicated clearly and honestly precisely what I told you, as you advised me.
At first he was understanding and tried, but a few days later he was back to the clingy and overly-affectionate behavior.
He told me he loved me all the time and started talking seriously about marriage, especially after conference.
That should have been a girl's dream come true, but it terrified me. I feel that I was really patient and understanding; a person can't help how they feel.
Additionally, however, a person can't force them self to feel a way they don't. It just got really taxing, and whether it was my gut or the spirit, the answer became clear.
Thanks for the support and your time. Your email gave me a lot of comfort.
- N.W.
Dear N.W.
If all things work out for the best, you'll only date one person that you don't break up with . . .
Now, that said, I can't begin to count how many times Sister Jo and I "broke up" . . . good for me that none of those took!
God bless,
- Bro Jo
PS: Don't give up!
[Dear Readers,
Thought you might like to know that this particular N.W. got married a couple years ago. To someone that when she had originally written these last two emails, she hadn't even met yet.
Best,
- Bro Jo]
Friday, February 23, 2018
Is Love "Something We Fall Into" or is it "Something We Choose"? - part 1 of 2
Dear Bro Jo,
Thank you for the years of advice and encouragement you've provided to so many people. I enjoy reading and pondering almost every post you write.
I wrote to you awhile back complaining and feeling sorry for myself, and you helped me pick myself back up and look forward with faith.
The reason I write to you today is because I have found an amazing guy to date. We have a lot of things in common and identify on many levels. Our minds seem to work in similar ways. He's also very committed to the Gospel and has taught me and caused me to ponder many new perspectives.
I've been dating him for about three weeks. He lives an hour and a half away and doesn't even bat an eyelash when it comes to driving that far to take me on a date. However, with him being so far away, when he comes to go on a date our dates end up being very long. Longer than a normal date. In fact this weekend he rented a hotel in SLC and slept there so he could take me on another date the next day. Should I be honored or freaked out that he cares for me so much he's willing to be this dedicated?
The other day, on our 6th date, he shocked me by telling me he loved me. Everything was going pretty well up to then, except for the fact that he's a little overly expressive about his emotions (for my taste). That sounds so rude, but as much as I'd like to be, I'm not a fluffy words kind of person. Or at least not in this stage of the game. He's always sending me texts thanking me for the best week of his life, or telling me I'm the most amazing girl in the world. It's all coming on a little strong and I'm trying hard to be patient and not let myself be scared off running for the hills. When I'm with him and we talk about real things there are many,many qualities I admire and I do enjoy our time together.
However, I am not in love with him yet. I've expressed this honestly. The thing I hate worst is to lead people on. He's been really understanding and supportive of this, but he still continues to express himself inordinately.
A little background on the story: he's 29 and I'm 22. I have dated a ridiculous amount of guys. I don't tell you that to sound conceited, in fact I'm not proud of the fact that I've dated so many guys. I understand its all for my experience, but I have had so much more than my fair share of heart ache and causing heart ache to others. I have taken periods of time to regroup and figure out how to be happy on my own. In fact, I'm to the point now where I'm a little too independent and happy to be on my own. I'm also very reserved. Though I'm still very young, I'm aware of the fact that if I'm not careful I will fall into the trap of single hood because its so much easier for me than the vulnerability of a relationship. Also I'm a flight attendant, so the opportunities for distraction from loneliness are endless. Being an overly-cautious person about everything in life, love and marriage absolutely terrify me.
To tell you a little background on this man I'm dating, he has only kissed one other girl in his whole life. There's nothing wrong with that, he's just been terrified of girls and women, and is so kindhearted that he's been taken advantage of and hurt countless times. Apparently I've awoken something in him though, because to me he doesn't seem shy at all. We talk for hours and hours and sometimes I get a little annoyed at how much he talks. I'm a kindhearted person as well, and I think its one of Heavenly Father's gifts to me that I'm able to help others feel at ease and confident with themselves. I only say that because its happened numerous times with friends and people I've dated.
Anyway, he reminds me of how I was when I was 18. I fell so easily for people back then because it was all so exciting and new. I wish I could catch his same enthusiasm, but I'm just not there yet, and do not know if I'll ever be. I haven't felt that "over the moon" feeling since I was 18-19, and back then I fell for the guys who treated me absolutely the worst because I didn't have enough confidence to stand on my own two feet.
I like the advice you've given recently and the honesty you share about yours and Sister Jo's relationship. You specify clearly that the "Hollywood" feelings are unrealistic and that people my age are way too picky and quick to throw a relationship out just because it doesn't feel perfect.
Alternately though,my mom tries to tell me that when I fall in love I will be head over heels crazy and never want to be apart from them. But my personality is way different than hers. she is a rose-colored optimist and I'm a pretty even-keel girl. I don't get giddy or excited too often at all. My emotions tend to stay grounded. Though I do feel very deeply and considerate for the people and things that I love about life.
So that's a ridiculously long explanation leading up to my questions for you, but my questions for you are these: in your opinion, do you believe love is always something we "fall into", or is it a choice?
Do you perceive any red flags or concerning desperation from what I've told you about this guy?
Lastly, do you think I should hang on and continue to pray about this relationship to give it its best chance, or should I let him go to be able to find a girl who matches his enthusiasm? I am not to the point that I'm no longer interested in learning more about him, I just need a little space from his excitement.
Thank you so much for reading this, I hope you've had a pleasant Sabbath
Sincerely,
- N.W.
Dear N.W.
I'd like to start by pointing out to you that you began by telling me that you've "found an amazing guy to date".
Some people "fall into" love . . . and some people choose to love. And sometimes it's both. And sometimes we change.
I do believe that, in general, men fall in love with women they're attracted to and women grow attracted to the man they're in love with.
I also think that the Church is full of men and women who have let a rational concern about picking a good eternal companion grow into an unhealthy fear of marriage (and a fear of sex).
And I think we can balance that with the fact that it's a Good Thing that you're not as easily twitter pated now as you were when you were first out of high school.
I understand (and at least one of the Jo Boys would agree) that being overly pursued by someone who is more excited about the relationship than you are at this point can be a turn off.
(Ever seen this clip?)
I dated a girl who, on paper, was quite the catch. Pretty, smart, funny, fun to be with . . . but she did two things that drove me crazy. One was that she was just too smitten too soon. It scared me. (The other was that she used "baby talk" ALL ... THE ... TIME . . . some people may love that, but for me it was really annoying.)
I don't see any Red Flags at this time.
Pink ones, maybe . . .
For example: there's nothing wrong with him getting a hotel room so he can date you twice in one weekend. I think that's very cool, actually. But under no circumstances should you ever be at (and certainly not in) said room with him. Not that you would. But it needs to be said.
And your age differences are on the edges of what I recommend. That might have something to do with the uncomfortable feelings and / or the different perspective you both have on life . . . but it's not big enough to be a Red Flag.
In general I think you should worry a little less about your enthusiasm not matching his and consider yourself lucky. If he's as amazing as you say he is and he's that head over heels for you . . . well, little sister, those are not a bad combination!
You know . . . I wonder if it might help both of you if you were to share with him what you've shared with me. After all, the key to any awesome relationship is communication . . .
What you're perceiving as "over enthusiastic" might be a symptom of his concern that he might lose you. If he knew that you like and care for him, but that you find it a turn off when he gushes as much as he does; that you want to keep dating him and love to see him all the time, but that you'll be more comfortable if he slows down a little . . . perhaps is more sparing and sincere with his compliments . . .
I think that's worth a shot.
Hate to see you miss out on a great guy, especially one that you seem to like so much.
- Bro Jo
Thank you for the years of advice and encouragement you've provided to so many people. I enjoy reading and pondering almost every post you write.
I wrote to you awhile back complaining and feeling sorry for myself, and you helped me pick myself back up and look forward with faith.
The reason I write to you today is because I have found an amazing guy to date. We have a lot of things in common and identify on many levels. Our minds seem to work in similar ways. He's also very committed to the Gospel and has taught me and caused me to ponder many new perspectives.
I've been dating him for about three weeks. He lives an hour and a half away and doesn't even bat an eyelash when it comes to driving that far to take me on a date. However, with him being so far away, when he comes to go on a date our dates end up being very long. Longer than a normal date. In fact this weekend he rented a hotel in SLC and slept there so he could take me on another date the next day. Should I be honored or freaked out that he cares for me so much he's willing to be this dedicated?
The other day, on our 6th date, he shocked me by telling me he loved me. Everything was going pretty well up to then, except for the fact that he's a little overly expressive about his emotions (for my taste). That sounds so rude, but as much as I'd like to be, I'm not a fluffy words kind of person. Or at least not in this stage of the game. He's always sending me texts thanking me for the best week of his life, or telling me I'm the most amazing girl in the world. It's all coming on a little strong and I'm trying hard to be patient and not let myself be scared off running for the hills. When I'm with him and we talk about real things there are many,many qualities I admire and I do enjoy our time together.
However, I am not in love with him yet. I've expressed this honestly. The thing I hate worst is to lead people on. He's been really understanding and supportive of this, but he still continues to express himself inordinately.
A little background on the story: he's 29 and I'm 22. I have dated a ridiculous amount of guys. I don't tell you that to sound conceited, in fact I'm not proud of the fact that I've dated so many guys. I understand its all for my experience, but I have had so much more than my fair share of heart ache and causing heart ache to others. I have taken periods of time to regroup and figure out how to be happy on my own. In fact, I'm to the point now where I'm a little too independent and happy to be on my own. I'm also very reserved. Though I'm still very young, I'm aware of the fact that if I'm not careful I will fall into the trap of single hood because its so much easier for me than the vulnerability of a relationship. Also I'm a flight attendant, so the opportunities for distraction from loneliness are endless. Being an overly-cautious person about everything in life, love and marriage absolutely terrify me.
To tell you a little background on this man I'm dating, he has only kissed one other girl in his whole life. There's nothing wrong with that, he's just been terrified of girls and women, and is so kindhearted that he's been taken advantage of and hurt countless times. Apparently I've awoken something in him though, because to me he doesn't seem shy at all. We talk for hours and hours and sometimes I get a little annoyed at how much he talks. I'm a kindhearted person as well, and I think its one of Heavenly Father's gifts to me that I'm able to help others feel at ease and confident with themselves. I only say that because its happened numerous times with friends and people I've dated.
Anyway, he reminds me of how I was when I was 18. I fell so easily for people back then because it was all so exciting and new. I wish I could catch his same enthusiasm, but I'm just not there yet, and do not know if I'll ever be. I haven't felt that "over the moon" feeling since I was 18-19, and back then I fell for the guys who treated me absolutely the worst because I didn't have enough confidence to stand on my own two feet.
I like the advice you've given recently and the honesty you share about yours and Sister Jo's relationship. You specify clearly that the "Hollywood" feelings are unrealistic and that people my age are way too picky and quick to throw a relationship out just because it doesn't feel perfect.
Alternately though,my mom tries to tell me that when I fall in love I will be head over heels crazy and never want to be apart from them. But my personality is way different than hers. she is a rose-colored optimist and I'm a pretty even-keel girl. I don't get giddy or excited too often at all. My emotions tend to stay grounded. Though I do feel very deeply and considerate for the people and things that I love about life.
So that's a ridiculously long explanation leading up to my questions for you, but my questions for you are these: in your opinion, do you believe love is always something we "fall into", or is it a choice?
Do you perceive any red flags or concerning desperation from what I've told you about this guy?
Lastly, do you think I should hang on and continue to pray about this relationship to give it its best chance, or should I let him go to be able to find a girl who matches his enthusiasm? I am not to the point that I'm no longer interested in learning more about him, I just need a little space from his excitement.
Thank you so much for reading this, I hope you've had a pleasant Sabbath
Sincerely,
- N.W.
Dear N.W.
I'd like to start by pointing out to you that you began by telling me that you've "found an amazing guy to date".
Some people "fall into" love . . . and some people choose to love. And sometimes it's both. And sometimes we change.
I do believe that, in general, men fall in love with women they're attracted to and women grow attracted to the man they're in love with.
I also think that the Church is full of men and women who have let a rational concern about picking a good eternal companion grow into an unhealthy fear of marriage (and a fear of sex).
And I think we can balance that with the fact that it's a Good Thing that you're not as easily twitter pated now as you were when you were first out of high school.
I understand (and at least one of the Jo Boys would agree) that being overly pursued by someone who is more excited about the relationship than you are at this point can be a turn off.
(Ever seen this clip?)
I dated a girl who, on paper, was quite the catch. Pretty, smart, funny, fun to be with . . . but she did two things that drove me crazy. One was that she was just too smitten too soon. It scared me. (The other was that she used "baby talk" ALL ... THE ... TIME . . . some people may love that, but for me it was really annoying.)
I don't see any Red Flags at this time.
Pink ones, maybe . . .
For example: there's nothing wrong with him getting a hotel room so he can date you twice in one weekend. I think that's very cool, actually. But under no circumstances should you ever be at (and certainly not in) said room with him. Not that you would. But it needs to be said.
And your age differences are on the edges of what I recommend. That might have something to do with the uncomfortable feelings and / or the different perspective you both have on life . . . but it's not big enough to be a Red Flag.
In general I think you should worry a little less about your enthusiasm not matching his and consider yourself lucky. If he's as amazing as you say he is and he's that head over heels for you . . . well, little sister, those are not a bad combination!
You know . . . I wonder if it might help both of you if you were to share with him what you've shared with me. After all, the key to any awesome relationship is communication . . .
What you're perceiving as "over enthusiastic" might be a symptom of his concern that he might lose you. If he knew that you like and care for him, but that you find it a turn off when he gushes as much as he does; that you want to keep dating him and love to see him all the time, but that you'll be more comfortable if he slows down a little . . . perhaps is more sparing and sincere with his compliments . . .
I think that's worth a shot.
Hate to see you miss out on a great guy, especially one that you seem to like so much.
- Bro Jo
Wednesday, February 21, 2018
When Your Crush Tells You He's Gay
Dear Bro Jo
There were a couple (three) guys at my previous job that I could tell were competing for my attention. It was new to me and I didn't quite know how to handle it. The two who told me their feelings I was only honest with, I just had my eye on one.
"Josh" and I joked around and flirted every day. He's the happiest person I know, being around him just made me feel good. He's personable, he's a hard worker, he's dedicated and just a really comfortable person for me to be around. It got to the point where I looked forward to work just to see him. We often made plans but they always fell through for one reason or another, it bummed me out.
One time, he invited me to go to his favorite restaurant with him to meet up with one of his friends. It wasn't a date but it was fun! He picked me up, came in and introduced himself to my roommate and we made plans to go out, just us. That never happened. Nothing ever happened with Josh and it drove me insane.
Josh accepted another job and everyone in my office only ever teases me about him. Why we aren't dating, what happened, etc. One guy pulled me aside and told me that Josh told him how interested he was in me and encouraged me to be more forward with him. It was news to me since Josh never followed through with anything, I thought he was just being friendly. So I texted Josh to hang out three different times. Each time, he said he wanted to do something but always just left me hanging. I deleted every text he sent me and decided I was done, I'd given him enough chances.
Two days ago, he sent me a text and told me he wanted to hang out. It was fun. I met his friend, I went to his apartment, we played some games and talked for a while. I was really hoping to get a good feel of where John was with everything (especially since everyone constantly told me how much he liked me).
I spoke to him pretty (really) openly that night about myself, my past and where I was at. I told him I had feelings for him and that I'd always been interested in him. He didn't say much and stewed around for quit a while. He showed me his baby book, started opening up a bit before he told me he was bi sexual. I was floored.
It felt like something that I hear about happening to someone else but not to me. I didn't know what to say or think, I hardly knew what I was feeling. He was crying and told me he'd only come out to a select few. I know he was worried about what I thought of him.
I told him I respected him and he's still one of the greatest/happiest guys I know. In all honesty, all I could think about was running away from the conversation and forgetting everything he shared with me but I knew I couldn't. Josh continued to tell me details about how growing up, his dad was the high school principal and his bishop and he felt like he had to live a perfect Mormon life, especially when he graduated from BYU and got a job working for the Church.
He told me he had a mental break down and was in the psych ward of the hospital for about a week a year ago because he couldn't handle the pressure he felt. He told me he's into gay porn and more interested in guys then girls.
I felt embarrassed that I started the evening off having a massive crush on this guy. I know the stats, I know how many guys are into porn and I know how many (in my ward at least) struggle with same gender attraction, I just never thought I would be facing it like I was, wrapped up in a conversation with no idea how to direct.
All he wants is love and acceptance. Multiple times, he asked me what I thought he should do, to which, I have no answer. I don't know what to say to him. At first, I wasn't even sure I could handle being friends with him. But now, I know he needs me to be his friend. I just don't know how to be his friend!
Please help.
- Name Withheld
Dear NW,
You can be someone's friend without agreeing with everything they think and do. Simply treat "Josh" as Christ would: with kindness and caring.
For the record, "the stats" aren't as high as you may think. Gay guys aren't "1 in 10" like certain media outlets claim (it may be true in their small slice of the world, perhaps) more like 1 in a thousand . . . if that.
Being effeminate, liking traditionally "girlie" things (like, what I guess, fashion and musical theater?) doesn't mean that a guy is homosexual. Nor does simply confessing that another guy is "good looking". (That could just mean that a guy is honest and comfortable with his own heterosexuality.)
Some people do struggle with same-gender attraction. Some people embrace it. And some people have learned it, even training themselves (or having been trained by others - "groomed", if you will) to respond to same-sex images and activities in a particular way. (It happens Way More than certain segments of society want people to know.)
I have no way of knowing where your friend falls, but it does seem as though he is accepting, perhaps even declaring, that he wants to act out homo-sexually.
That's his right to do so. (So long as he isn't hurting, or grooming, anyone else.)
He's not an animal. He still has agency. And that includes what he chooses to do with his body. (One can be "same-gender attracted" and choose not to identify as a homosexual, partake of gay-porn, or partake in homosexual sex and sex acts. Those are choices that people make.)
(Tangent note: rape, including statutory rape, is not a sex act; it's a violation. Having been raped by someone of the same gender does of itself mean that one is a homosexual.)
Gay or straight this guy clearly suffers from a pornography addiction, and it will mess-up his future relationships.
I think he needs help with that, and recommend the Church's Addiction Recovery Program. If he truly wants your advice about what he should do I think you should recommend that he talk to his Bishop and get enrolled. The choices he's making are clearly bringing him a lot of pain, and mending his relationship with his Savior can help him.
Same-gender attraction may be the burden he has to bear in this life; it may mean that to more closely follow Christ he'll need to choose a life of celibacy. That certainly would be more healthy than the alternative he may be considering.
Lastly, my advice to you is that while you're right to maintain his friendship and show him love and support, you also need to realize for yourself that it would be wrong to allow him to be an anchor in your life. Your association with Josh cannot impede your own spiritual progression, not because of his sexual preference, but because he seems to be dumping all of his problems at your door step.
Being his friend, being a decent person, does not mean he's entitled to treat you as his 24-7 personal therapist.
Don't stop dating other guys, and don't expect Josh to magically be a different person one day.
That's not fair to either of you.
Let Josh be Josh, and you be you.
- Bro Jo
There were a couple (three) guys at my previous job that I could tell were competing for my attention. It was new to me and I didn't quite know how to handle it. The two who told me their feelings I was only honest with, I just had my eye on one.
"Josh" and I joked around and flirted every day. He's the happiest person I know, being around him just made me feel good. He's personable, he's a hard worker, he's dedicated and just a really comfortable person for me to be around. It got to the point where I looked forward to work just to see him. We often made plans but they always fell through for one reason or another, it bummed me out.
One time, he invited me to go to his favorite restaurant with him to meet up with one of his friends. It wasn't a date but it was fun! He picked me up, came in and introduced himself to my roommate and we made plans to go out, just us. That never happened. Nothing ever happened with Josh and it drove me insane.
Josh accepted another job and everyone in my office only ever teases me about him. Why we aren't dating, what happened, etc. One guy pulled me aside and told me that Josh told him how interested he was in me and encouraged me to be more forward with him. It was news to me since Josh never followed through with anything, I thought he was just being friendly. So I texted Josh to hang out three different times. Each time, he said he wanted to do something but always just left me hanging. I deleted every text he sent me and decided I was done, I'd given him enough chances.
Two days ago, he sent me a text and told me he wanted to hang out. It was fun. I met his friend, I went to his apartment, we played some games and talked for a while. I was really hoping to get a good feel of where John was with everything (especially since everyone constantly told me how much he liked me).
I spoke to him pretty (really) openly that night about myself, my past and where I was at. I told him I had feelings for him and that I'd always been interested in him. He didn't say much and stewed around for quit a while. He showed me his baby book, started opening up a bit before he told me he was bi sexual. I was floored.
It felt like something that I hear about happening to someone else but not to me. I didn't know what to say or think, I hardly knew what I was feeling. He was crying and told me he'd only come out to a select few. I know he was worried about what I thought of him.
I told him I respected him and he's still one of the greatest/happiest guys I know. In all honesty, all I could think about was running away from the conversation and forgetting everything he shared with me but I knew I couldn't. Josh continued to tell me details about how growing up, his dad was the high school principal and his bishop and he felt like he had to live a perfect Mormon life, especially when he graduated from BYU and got a job working for the Church.
He told me he had a mental break down and was in the psych ward of the hospital for about a week a year ago because he couldn't handle the pressure he felt. He told me he's into gay porn and more interested in guys then girls.
I felt embarrassed that I started the evening off having a massive crush on this guy. I know the stats, I know how many guys are into porn and I know how many (in my ward at least) struggle with same gender attraction, I just never thought I would be facing it like I was, wrapped up in a conversation with no idea how to direct.
All he wants is love and acceptance. Multiple times, he asked me what I thought he should do, to which, I have no answer. I don't know what to say to him. At first, I wasn't even sure I could handle being friends with him. But now, I know he needs me to be his friend. I just don't know how to be his friend!
Please help.
- Name Withheld
Dear NW,
You can be someone's friend without agreeing with everything they think and do. Simply treat "Josh" as Christ would: with kindness and caring.
For the record, "the stats" aren't as high as you may think. Gay guys aren't "1 in 10" like certain media outlets claim (it may be true in their small slice of the world, perhaps) more like 1 in a thousand . . . if that.
Being effeminate, liking traditionally "girlie" things (like, what I guess, fashion and musical theater?) doesn't mean that a guy is homosexual. Nor does simply confessing that another guy is "good looking". (That could just mean that a guy is honest and comfortable with his own heterosexuality.)
Some people do struggle with same-gender attraction. Some people embrace it. And some people have learned it, even training themselves (or having been trained by others - "groomed", if you will) to respond to same-sex images and activities in a particular way. (It happens Way More than certain segments of society want people to know.)
I have no way of knowing where your friend falls, but it does seem as though he is accepting, perhaps even declaring, that he wants to act out homo-sexually.
That's his right to do so. (So long as he isn't hurting, or grooming, anyone else.)
He's not an animal. He still has agency. And that includes what he chooses to do with his body. (One can be "same-gender attracted" and choose not to identify as a homosexual, partake of gay-porn, or partake in homosexual sex and sex acts. Those are choices that people make.)
(Tangent note: rape, including statutory rape, is not a sex act; it's a violation. Having been raped by someone of the same gender does of itself mean that one is a homosexual.)
Gay or straight this guy clearly suffers from a pornography addiction, and it will mess-up his future relationships.
I think he needs help with that, and recommend the Church's Addiction Recovery Program. If he truly wants your advice about what he should do I think you should recommend that he talk to his Bishop and get enrolled. The choices he's making are clearly bringing him a lot of pain, and mending his relationship with his Savior can help him.
Same-gender attraction may be the burden he has to bear in this life; it may mean that to more closely follow Christ he'll need to choose a life of celibacy. That certainly would be more healthy than the alternative he may be considering.
Lastly, my advice to you is that while you're right to maintain his friendship and show him love and support, you also need to realize for yourself that it would be wrong to allow him to be an anchor in your life. Your association with Josh cannot impede your own spiritual progression, not because of his sexual preference, but because he seems to be dumping all of his problems at your door step.
Being his friend, being a decent person, does not mean he's entitled to treat you as his 24-7 personal therapist.
Don't stop dating other guys, and don't expect Josh to magically be a different person one day.
That's not fair to either of you.
Let Josh be Josh, and you be you.
- Bro Jo
Friday, February 16, 2018
Is It Possible to Be Too Good Looking?
Hello Bro Jo!
I am a Sister from Canada and would like to ask you a question.
This has been bothering for a long time now- actually, it has always bothered since I was 15.. and I am now 19.
It seems like people just start not liking me because of my looks?
And to that I wanna give an emphasis on girls.. whenever I'm around them, anyone whose in my age bracket, I would always be stared at . . . or even glared at.. and sometimes be ignored and completely not honour my presence whenever I'm around. I'm not saying I'm hot or whatever, because I don't think so. I think I am just as normal as everybody is. But I keep myself well-presented, and loves to dress up, while still having the modest standards that the Church requires- and I am very serious about this. I've tried so many things, I'm always nice, I hangout and sit only with girls whenever there's an Institute Friday Devo sessions, and I still get the same response.
To this day it bothers me- and I am afraid of telling to someone. Because there's no one to tell it to. And I am very grateful to be able to talk to you, someone I know can understand.
There's this one time, it was my first time ever being in Institute, and there was a large crowd, many guys, and a good portion of girls too. When I walked in, for some reason I caught everybody's attention. I thought of this of as because I am the new girl, and so I guess everyone's just like curious or something. Then, when I sat down among the other girls that were there already, there's this one Asian (and I think he's gay, not that it bothers me, because I know Heavenly Father loves all of his children, and I have no reason not to love my fellow siblings), who suddenly just walked away right after staring at me for a long time. Like he didn't want me sitting with his friends there. Completely disappointed me- and I keep blaming myself for it.. and I still don't know why I blame myself for it. I was dressed modestly, jeans, a jacket and combat boots and that was it. No unnecessary clothing or whatever.
And again the exact same reaction is what I always get whenever I enter the room. I'm so confused and agitated.
I've asked many non-LDS friends about this, mostly girls, and they tell me that I just have this aura within me, that even just by walking, I get everyone's attention. And I don't understand.
How?
They also said that I have this kind of face where its fierce, even said 'like model-type', and someone that can be dressed up literally like anything, and still look good.
Again, how?
I don't see it. Really I don't.
And so I think my looks has to do with how people around me react towards having me around?
Yes, I value my looks, and take care of it, but if not being liked, not having girl friends, being ignored all the times, then I'd rather not have it. I don't want it. People say that I probably have a lot of confidence in me, because of my looks. But it actually makes me the opposite way- it makes me so insecure, and even think of myself as someone whose unworthy to be loved because people just never try to like me?
I don't like being stared at, not even by guys. I don't want extra attention.... it literally makes me feel like I'm a walking temptation and I don't want it.. It feels like a curse. And I don't know what I'm doing wrong?
Please help me, I am so confused.. and I think dressing fashionably has to do with it too.
Could you please give a do's and don'ts of modest clothing?
In today's generation, are leggings okay?
I wear fitted leggings (not the thin ones where it could show some skin, but I wear a liner inside, then leggings to make it extra modest), then usually pair it with a nice blouse?
I wear minimal make up, and keep my hair literally just as it is everyday.
Please please help me, I feel like I am inadequate to be around any LDS single adults, because I am always afraid of how they're going to react to my 'looks' I guess. Again it's not looks for me, it's more like a curse.
Thank you,
- Looks
Dear L,
Perhaps if you stop focusing on how you look others will as well. (Though I have to tell you that being attractive Is Not a curse, it's a blessing. Yours may be less of a problem of appearance and more a problem of attitude, namely . . . a lack of humility.)
I think one should always do their best to look their best. But once you step out the door you should be focused on other things.
There will always be people, inside the Church and out, who are petty and superficial and unkind. Instead of worrying about that, focus on being of service to everyone. Focusing on that will help you to feel better and open the hearts of others so that they can see that you're so much more than they may think.
And for the record, no. No matter how thick or thin, wearing leggings (or whatever you want to call them) without at least a skirt over them Is Not modest.
Leggings go under something else. Leggings are not an alternative to pants.
I heard of an athlete this week who, upon appearing without clothes in a magazine, proclaimed that women do not need to dress modestly to be respected.
That is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard.
- Bro Jo
I am a Sister from Canada and would like to ask you a question.
This has been bothering for a long time now- actually, it has always bothered since I was 15.. and I am now 19.
It seems like people just start not liking me because of my looks?
And to that I wanna give an emphasis on girls.. whenever I'm around them, anyone whose in my age bracket, I would always be stared at . . . or even glared at.. and sometimes be ignored and completely not honour my presence whenever I'm around. I'm not saying I'm hot or whatever, because I don't think so. I think I am just as normal as everybody is. But I keep myself well-presented, and loves to dress up, while still having the modest standards that the Church requires- and I am very serious about this. I've tried so many things, I'm always nice, I hangout and sit only with girls whenever there's an Institute Friday Devo sessions, and I still get the same response.
To this day it bothers me- and I am afraid of telling to someone. Because there's no one to tell it to. And I am very grateful to be able to talk to you, someone I know can understand.
There's this one time, it was my first time ever being in Institute, and there was a large crowd, many guys, and a good portion of girls too. When I walked in, for some reason I caught everybody's attention. I thought of this of as because I am the new girl, and so I guess everyone's just like curious or something. Then, when I sat down among the other girls that were there already, there's this one Asian (and I think he's gay, not that it bothers me, because I know Heavenly Father loves all of his children, and I have no reason not to love my fellow siblings), who suddenly just walked away right after staring at me for a long time. Like he didn't want me sitting with his friends there. Completely disappointed me- and I keep blaming myself for it.. and I still don't know why I blame myself for it. I was dressed modestly, jeans, a jacket and combat boots and that was it. No unnecessary clothing or whatever.
And again the exact same reaction is what I always get whenever I enter the room. I'm so confused and agitated.
I've asked many non-LDS friends about this, mostly girls, and they tell me that I just have this aura within me, that even just by walking, I get everyone's attention. And I don't understand.
How?
They also said that I have this kind of face where its fierce, even said 'like model-type', and someone that can be dressed up literally like anything, and still look good.
Again, how?
I don't see it. Really I don't.
And so I think my looks has to do with how people around me react towards having me around?
Yes, I value my looks, and take care of it, but if not being liked, not having girl friends, being ignored all the times, then I'd rather not have it. I don't want it. People say that I probably have a lot of confidence in me, because of my looks. But it actually makes me the opposite way- it makes me so insecure, and even think of myself as someone whose unworthy to be loved because people just never try to like me?
I don't like being stared at, not even by guys. I don't want extra attention.... it literally makes me feel like I'm a walking temptation and I don't want it.. It feels like a curse. And I don't know what I'm doing wrong?
Please help me, I am so confused.. and I think dressing fashionably has to do with it too.
Could you please give a do's and don'ts of modest clothing?
In today's generation, are leggings okay?
I wear fitted leggings (not the thin ones where it could show some skin, but I wear a liner inside, then leggings to make it extra modest), then usually pair it with a nice blouse?
I wear minimal make up, and keep my hair literally just as it is everyday.
Please please help me, I feel like I am inadequate to be around any LDS single adults, because I am always afraid of how they're going to react to my 'looks' I guess. Again it's not looks for me, it's more like a curse.
Thank you,
- Looks
Dear L,
Perhaps if you stop focusing on how you look others will as well. (Though I have to tell you that being attractive Is Not a curse, it's a blessing. Yours may be less of a problem of appearance and more a problem of attitude, namely . . . a lack of humility.)
I think one should always do their best to look their best. But once you step out the door you should be focused on other things.
There will always be people, inside the Church and out, who are petty and superficial and unkind. Instead of worrying about that, focus on being of service to everyone. Focusing on that will help you to feel better and open the hearts of others so that they can see that you're so much more than they may think.
And for the record, no. No matter how thick or thin, wearing leggings (or whatever you want to call them) without at least a skirt over them Is Not modest.
Leggings go under something else. Leggings are not an alternative to pants.
I heard of an athlete this week who, upon appearing without clothes in a magazine, proclaimed that women do not need to dress modestly to be respected.
That is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard.
- Bro Jo
Wednesday, February 14, 2018
Hanging Out VS Dating
Dear Bro Jo,
I really enjoy your blog! You give some great advice, and I appreciate how you tell it like it is. I wish dating could be more like that...Instead, I always feel like it's a guessing game with lack of honest communication, and dancing around issues at hand.
First off, I'll give a little background about myself...
I am 20 and 7 months old (if we are being exact haha) and I was born and raised a member of the LDS church. I was born and raised in a densely populated area of AZ, where there is almost an LDS bubble for members of the Church.
People are always concerned with what other people think.
Most girls I have talked with in observing the YSA wards here agree it's like watching a bunch of people caught up in a beauty competition or straight from the set of The Bachelor. Yet, nothing changes because everyone feels like they have to keep up, right? The girls all feel like they have to be fake tanned, perfectly put together all the time, and unnaturally bleached blonde.
The thing is that this area I grew up in just consists of a lot of beautiful people. Sounds weird, I know. Everything is centered on the outside of how a person looks and how people view one another. Because of this, all the single adults let their looks go to their head and they feel like they need to be super picky on searching for this male/female model they've conjured up in their heads. Not to mention someone who additionally is a righteous, worthy, and faithful member of the church.
As a result, guys don't ask girls out because they are always looking for something better. Also, girls turn down guys for the same reason, therefore discouraging the guys from dating even more so. It is a cycle I suppose. It feels kinda like being in high school surrounded by all those awfully exclusive social circles all over again....bleh.
In addition, dating is viewed in a totally skewed concept. It's like going on a date or asking someone out equates to committing to a relationship. And heaven forbid anyone would ask a girl on a second date! Oh the horror, stop the presses! It would be as if they've proposed :). It is read to mean more than simply "getting to know someone you think may be interesting". Mix in picky men with commitment issues and "Houston, we have a problem".
All this aside, I have been trying to break this way of life everyone is aware that we have going on here. I try not to be too judgmental, try being social in talking to people I normally wouldn't, being accepting of people, etc. It's the whole dating thing that is hard. I know that it is not wise for women to ask the men out on dates. They need to feel like they are fulfilling that manly obligation or whatever. :) so you are supposed to flirt and get them to try and ask you out.
Because I have been striving to be more social and not worry so much abt what people think of me, etc. I have done a little better in meeting more people and it's been great.
My love life is practically non-existent. I have never been in a relationship (let alone a second date) and never been kissed. Everyone always seems shocked and puzzled by this...which is even more annoying.
Most of my dating life has been set up..I feel like I have dating experience, but at the same time I don't. Idk if that makes sense.
I recently went on a blind date. My close friend (we'll call him Bill) kept going on for a whole year about his friend (we'll call him Rob) who was on his mission. Bill thought Rob and I would be great together and so forth. He told me a lot abt him and showed me pics and stuff. I knew it was silly to get all crazy abt it. I told him that if he wanted to set us up on a date then I would definitely go and give it a shot. 3 months after Rob got back from the mission, Bill got Rob to call and ask me out on a double date with Rob's cousin who would ask a date too. It was a lot of fun! I feel like it went well. Rob was a gentlemen, and I found myself really interested in him by the end. I thought we had great laughs, chemistry, and conversation flow. Also, him having the cutest smile ever didn't hurt either ;). I got home really hoping that he would ask me out again.
A week later I still hadn't heard from him.
Yes, I know it was only a week...but I was starting to wonder about him! I was with my girlfriend at her house on a Saturday evening, and she convinced me to text him and say hello. I did, and we had a great conversation.
We flirted and it was great!
I found out he had broke his leg playing racquetball. I asked if he wanted me to bring him anything from an ice cream shop nearby, and he responded really well to me and said he would've loved that, but he was at his cousin's house. Then, another night Bill threw a small group game night. He said he had invited Rob. I went and loved seeing him again and it was a really fun time. Days after that, Bill said that Rob had told him that we should get a group together to go see a movie we all wanted to see. An extra ticket came available in the group that I had going to see the movie, so Bill said I needed to invite Rob. I invited him and he seemed happy to come. We texted further about it and it was great.
We had fun at the movie, and one of the girls in the group had gotten in a car accident on the way there due to the heavy rain. Accidents were a topic of our conversation, and the rain didn't let up after the movie. After I got home, I texted him to ask if he made it home in one piece. He said he had fun and thanked me for inviting him. We had similar group activities over the course of the weeks after in which I invited him (he came) and once he texted me about a get together that he heard I was hosting.
He told me he wanted to come but then at the last minute we found out only a few girls were coming, so he playfully suggested that I should just make it a girls night and he was going to spend time with his family. He added that he would be at the next one for sure. I agreed with his suggestion and told him I would postpone it for the next evening. More people RSVP'd the next day and so I messaged him during the party the next evening to see if he was coming. He had an exam to study for and an essay so he apologized and he couldn't come. However, he texted me a couple days later to ask me how it went and apologized he couldn't be there. We talked more and it was great. Then thanksgiving came and he was out of town, but I just hung out with him again because a group was going to see a new movie. I invited him to go when he got back in town and it was a lot of fun.
All in all, I guess I am just trying to figure out why he hasn't asked me out on another date, and what he is thinking about me. I have made it clear by all my actions that I am interested in him, and I flirt with him. He seems to respond well and still want to do things with me. What is he thinking?! Is he even interested in me? So confused with this guessing game. I am starting to wonder if he just wants to be friends. I never wanted to get him comfortable with just knowing he could always hang out with me and not ask me out in order to see me again, but everyone kept telling me that it was good and that being friends first and hanging out was great. They say that if he keeps wanting to come to things when I invite him then it is a good sign. Altogether since the date we have hung out three times and texted. I know he is busy and works/in school. Idk though I think I will stop inviting him to things and step back to see if he will maybe ask me out. This is what I should do right? Guessing games are no fun in dating!
Thank you for your time and patience...I am so sorry that this is so darn long!!
- Name Withheld
Dear NW,
Why should he ask you out?
You've arranged things so he can date you without having to Plan, Pick Up or Pay; he doesn't have to make any effort to see you, call you or text you because you do all of that for him!
Despite all of your efforts, you've allowed your "friend" (who sounds like one of a million confused and lazy Mormon guys to me) to coax you into perpetuating the same culture you and I are trying desperately to fix.
All is not lost!
You need to set "Rob" straight, and I think you need to go through "Bill" to do it. Tell Bill that you like Rob, and you'd love to go out on some dates with him, but you're done being the man in this situation. Bill needs to tell his buddy that if he wants to see you, if he wants to actually Get To Know You (can't really do that in a group - why people don't get that I have NO IDEA) then he should ask you out.
And then cut him off.
Rob will either take the bait or not. And if he doesn't, well then, he's too dumb to date you. You deserve better than that.
Seriously.
Quick story.
One of the Jo Boys was recently in an Elders' Quorum Lesson where the president admonished the members of his Quorum. "Brethren, the semester is about to end. There are lots of great sisters in this ward that have never been asked out; let's get that done before they all leave for the holidays". So my dutiful son, who has had an average of two dates a week since coming home from his mission, followed the direction of his priesthood leader and set up four dates for the upcoming weekend.
The problem?
On the Wednesday following the admonishment the EQP called my son and said "I still don't have a date for this weekend; I was thinking a bunch of us could get together and ask out a bunch of the girls".
My son's reply?
"That's not a date, bro. That's a group activity, you know, what priests and Laurels do."
Any wonder that EQP is still single in his late 20's?
Dates, Serious Single Dates, are one on one. Guys need to live it, and girls need to enforce it.
I think the idea I gave you for Rob will work. Give it a shot and let me know how it goes.
Good luck!
- Bro Jo
PS: Believe me - this is not exclusive to your area. The issues you're having are Church-wide, world-wide.
- Bro Jo
I really enjoy your blog! You give some great advice, and I appreciate how you tell it like it is. I wish dating could be more like that...Instead, I always feel like it's a guessing game with lack of honest communication, and dancing around issues at hand.
First off, I'll give a little background about myself...
I am 20 and 7 months old (if we are being exact haha) and I was born and raised a member of the LDS church. I was born and raised in a densely populated area of AZ, where there is almost an LDS bubble for members of the Church.
People are always concerned with what other people think.
Most girls I have talked with in observing the YSA wards here agree it's like watching a bunch of people caught up in a beauty competition or straight from the set of The Bachelor. Yet, nothing changes because everyone feels like they have to keep up, right? The girls all feel like they have to be fake tanned, perfectly put together all the time, and unnaturally bleached blonde.
The thing is that this area I grew up in just consists of a lot of beautiful people. Sounds weird, I know. Everything is centered on the outside of how a person looks and how people view one another. Because of this, all the single adults let their looks go to their head and they feel like they need to be super picky on searching for this male/female model they've conjured up in their heads. Not to mention someone who additionally is a righteous, worthy, and faithful member of the church.
As a result, guys don't ask girls out because they are always looking for something better. Also, girls turn down guys for the same reason, therefore discouraging the guys from dating even more so. It is a cycle I suppose. It feels kinda like being in high school surrounded by all those awfully exclusive social circles all over again....bleh.
In addition, dating is viewed in a totally skewed concept. It's like going on a date or asking someone out equates to committing to a relationship. And heaven forbid anyone would ask a girl on a second date! Oh the horror, stop the presses! It would be as if they've proposed :). It is read to mean more than simply "getting to know someone you think may be interesting". Mix in picky men with commitment issues and "Houston, we have a problem".
All this aside, I have been trying to break this way of life everyone is aware that we have going on here. I try not to be too judgmental, try being social in talking to people I normally wouldn't, being accepting of people, etc. It's the whole dating thing that is hard. I know that it is not wise for women to ask the men out on dates. They need to feel like they are fulfilling that manly obligation or whatever. :) so you are supposed to flirt and get them to try and ask you out.
Because I have been striving to be more social and not worry so much abt what people think of me, etc. I have done a little better in meeting more people and it's been great.
My love life is practically non-existent. I have never been in a relationship (let alone a second date) and never been kissed. Everyone always seems shocked and puzzled by this...which is even more annoying.
Most of my dating life has been set up..I feel like I have dating experience, but at the same time I don't. Idk if that makes sense.
I recently went on a blind date. My close friend (we'll call him Bill) kept going on for a whole year about his friend (we'll call him Rob) who was on his mission. Bill thought Rob and I would be great together and so forth. He told me a lot abt him and showed me pics and stuff. I knew it was silly to get all crazy abt it. I told him that if he wanted to set us up on a date then I would definitely go and give it a shot. 3 months after Rob got back from the mission, Bill got Rob to call and ask me out on a double date with Rob's cousin who would ask a date too. It was a lot of fun! I feel like it went well. Rob was a gentlemen, and I found myself really interested in him by the end. I thought we had great laughs, chemistry, and conversation flow. Also, him having the cutest smile ever didn't hurt either ;). I got home really hoping that he would ask me out again.
A week later I still hadn't heard from him.
Yes, I know it was only a week...but I was starting to wonder about him! I was with my girlfriend at her house on a Saturday evening, and she convinced me to text him and say hello. I did, and we had a great conversation.
We flirted and it was great!
I found out he had broke his leg playing racquetball. I asked if he wanted me to bring him anything from an ice cream shop nearby, and he responded really well to me and said he would've loved that, but he was at his cousin's house. Then, another night Bill threw a small group game night. He said he had invited Rob. I went and loved seeing him again and it was a really fun time. Days after that, Bill said that Rob had told him that we should get a group together to go see a movie we all wanted to see. An extra ticket came available in the group that I had going to see the movie, so Bill said I needed to invite Rob. I invited him and he seemed happy to come. We texted further about it and it was great.
We had fun at the movie, and one of the girls in the group had gotten in a car accident on the way there due to the heavy rain. Accidents were a topic of our conversation, and the rain didn't let up after the movie. After I got home, I texted him to ask if he made it home in one piece. He said he had fun and thanked me for inviting him. We had similar group activities over the course of the weeks after in which I invited him (he came) and once he texted me about a get together that he heard I was hosting.
He told me he wanted to come but then at the last minute we found out only a few girls were coming, so he playfully suggested that I should just make it a girls night and he was going to spend time with his family. He added that he would be at the next one for sure. I agreed with his suggestion and told him I would postpone it for the next evening. More people RSVP'd the next day and so I messaged him during the party the next evening to see if he was coming. He had an exam to study for and an essay so he apologized and he couldn't come. However, he texted me a couple days later to ask me how it went and apologized he couldn't be there. We talked more and it was great. Then thanksgiving came and he was out of town, but I just hung out with him again because a group was going to see a new movie. I invited him to go when he got back in town and it was a lot of fun.
All in all, I guess I am just trying to figure out why he hasn't asked me out on another date, and what he is thinking about me. I have made it clear by all my actions that I am interested in him, and I flirt with him. He seems to respond well and still want to do things with me. What is he thinking?! Is he even interested in me? So confused with this guessing game. I am starting to wonder if he just wants to be friends. I never wanted to get him comfortable with just knowing he could always hang out with me and not ask me out in order to see me again, but everyone kept telling me that it was good and that being friends first and hanging out was great. They say that if he keeps wanting to come to things when I invite him then it is a good sign. Altogether since the date we have hung out three times and texted. I know he is busy and works/in school. Idk though I think I will stop inviting him to things and step back to see if he will maybe ask me out. This is what I should do right? Guessing games are no fun in dating!
Thank you for your time and patience...I am so sorry that this is so darn long!!
- Name Withheld
Dear NW,
Why should he ask you out?
You've arranged things so he can date you without having to Plan, Pick Up or Pay; he doesn't have to make any effort to see you, call you or text you because you do all of that for him!
Despite all of your efforts, you've allowed your "friend" (who sounds like one of a million confused and lazy Mormon guys to me) to coax you into perpetuating the same culture you and I are trying desperately to fix.
All is not lost!
You need to set "Rob" straight, and I think you need to go through "Bill" to do it. Tell Bill that you like Rob, and you'd love to go out on some dates with him, but you're done being the man in this situation. Bill needs to tell his buddy that if he wants to see you, if he wants to actually Get To Know You (can't really do that in a group - why people don't get that I have NO IDEA) then he should ask you out.
And then cut him off.
Rob will either take the bait or not. And if he doesn't, well then, he's too dumb to date you. You deserve better than that.
Seriously.
Quick story.
One of the Jo Boys was recently in an Elders' Quorum Lesson where the president admonished the members of his Quorum. "Brethren, the semester is about to end. There are lots of great sisters in this ward that have never been asked out; let's get that done before they all leave for the holidays". So my dutiful son, who has had an average of two dates a week since coming home from his mission, followed the direction of his priesthood leader and set up four dates for the upcoming weekend.
The problem?
On the Wednesday following the admonishment the EQP called my son and said "I still don't have a date for this weekend; I was thinking a bunch of us could get together and ask out a bunch of the girls".
My son's reply?
"That's not a date, bro. That's a group activity, you know, what priests and Laurels do."
Any wonder that EQP is still single in his late 20's?
Dates, Serious Single Dates, are one on one. Guys need to live it, and girls need to enforce it.
I think the idea I gave you for Rob will work. Give it a shot and let me know how it goes.
Good luck!
- Bro Jo
PS: Believe me - this is not exclusive to your area. The issues you're having are Church-wide, world-wide.
- Bro Jo
Monday, February 5, 2018
Finding Happiness
Desr Bro Jo,
I recently stumbled upon your blog, that's awesome. I'm 26. I recently have been going on this LDS chat room. I am very careful and slightly hesitant.
I met a guy about a week ago. I'm a bigger girl and self-conscious about myself.
Two situations:
SITUATION #1
This guy I met, we both agreed to not exchange pictures until we were both comfortable.
I also wanted to get to know the REAL person both ways. We text and email now, but still haven't had a actual conversation on the phone, we each have something we're warming up to. We both like each other so far. He's a great guy, that I know of.
We agreed to meet in Utah in a few weeks for an actual date, he's gonna pay. I'm at BYUI and he's living in AZ, but close to Southern Utah. I don't have a car so it makes it hard. We both miss each other if we don't talk that much. He's very shy and only likes it when I ask him questions. I kind of have feelings for him, but obviously not sure as to what is going to happen.
SITUATION #2
Same deal, met this guy online.
We started talking, but I caved and exchanged pics and he thinks I'm gorgeous, that's exactly what he said.
Anyways he and I have only talked for a few hours, and we both are attracted to each other and have a lot of the same values and interests.
Right now he's in Montana working. He says that he eventually/soon wants to come see me and go on a date. Towards the end of the conversation I asked him if we were talking, dating, or just getting to know each other. Without hesitation he said we're dating.
Anywho, I'm happy, but confused, concerned and anxious. Yes I can't wait to see him, but how did this happen so fast?
I like both of these guys, and they both live far. I'm trying to be safe without coming off to them as me not being interested. I've never been in a long distance relationship.
How do I know they won't go after other girls, or if they're both lying to me?
Help??
- Name Withheld
Dear NW,
When you meet people on line there's no way to know that any of what they say is true unless it's corroborated by a trustworthy mutual friend.
I'm sorry, but it's just too easy to be dishonest in one's virtual contacts.
Sister Jo and I laugh about our friends who have never posted an on line picture that hasn't been Photoshopped ("Wow! that one doesn't look like her At All."), so you're right to be very cautious.
There are literally hundreds of Young Men at your school that would like to date you, so my preference is that you'd keep your social interactions on campus. If you do decide to meet either of these guys, and I do think that's worth trying, then:
1. They need to come to you. You're worth the trip, so they'll have to make it.
2. Meet for the first few times in public places, preferably with friends close. These meetings are not dates, they're meetings, so "pick up" does not apply. You've got to get a feel for what kind of person someone is before you agree to go somewhere alone with them.
Or at the very least make sure that your first dates are well planned, during daylight, and you have a way to be rescued if needed.
I absolutely think you need to be talking to these men on the phone instead of just texts and chats.
I think they need to do the calling (and so does Sister Jo, by the way), and I think you need to keep BOTH possibilities open; no need to limit yourself to just one of these guys (or even both of them) at this point. They may be seeing other girls, but there's no reason why you can't be dating other guys!
Now, Dear Sister, if you're self-conscious about your size, and if it's something you can control, then do. I can tell you from experience that changing one's diet, understanding the body and how food works, and getting a little bit of exercise can do wonders, not just for the physique, but for health and self-confidence.
It took two and a half years, and is a constant battle every day, but I lost 50 pounds by understanding the psychological challenges I have with food (I have to convince myself that the cookie I see now is not the last of its kind - and that's a battle I don't always win), understanding how many calories are in certain foods (I can never eat a Costco muffin again, and I used to eat them 2 at a time), and confessing to myself that simply existing and occasionally going for a walk does not change the fact that I live a sedentary life.
As I said, it's a constant battle, and I still have a ways to go. But it's doable!
I've made these changes because I was very unhappy with how I was. (Still am, a bit.)
If you're not unhappy, you won't be motivated to change.
And if you are happy, if your size does not pose any health risks, then accept who you are! Embrace your size and say "this is who I am, and there's nothing wrong with that"!
And then you can stop feeling self-conscious.
Self-confidence is attractive, so whatever size you are, or you choose to be, take confidence in the fact that regardless of that you're a great person who deserves to be taken on dates.
Let me know how your on line experiences go, would ya?
- Bro Jo
I recently stumbled upon your blog, that's awesome. I'm 26. I recently have been going on this LDS chat room. I am very careful and slightly hesitant.
I met a guy about a week ago. I'm a bigger girl and self-conscious about myself.
Two situations:
SITUATION #1
This guy I met, we both agreed to not exchange pictures until we were both comfortable.
I also wanted to get to know the REAL person both ways. We text and email now, but still haven't had a actual conversation on the phone, we each have something we're warming up to. We both like each other so far. He's a great guy, that I know of.
We agreed to meet in Utah in a few weeks for an actual date, he's gonna pay. I'm at BYUI and he's living in AZ, but close to Southern Utah. I don't have a car so it makes it hard. We both miss each other if we don't talk that much. He's very shy and only likes it when I ask him questions. I kind of have feelings for him, but obviously not sure as to what is going to happen.
SITUATION #2
Same deal, met this guy online.
We started talking, but I caved and exchanged pics and he thinks I'm gorgeous, that's exactly what he said.
Anyways he and I have only talked for a few hours, and we both are attracted to each other and have a lot of the same values and interests.
Right now he's in Montana working. He says that he eventually/soon wants to come see me and go on a date. Towards the end of the conversation I asked him if we were talking, dating, or just getting to know each other. Without hesitation he said we're dating.
Anywho, I'm happy, but confused, concerned and anxious. Yes I can't wait to see him, but how did this happen so fast?
I like both of these guys, and they both live far. I'm trying to be safe without coming off to them as me not being interested. I've never been in a long distance relationship.
How do I know they won't go after other girls, or if they're both lying to me?
Help??
- Name Withheld
Dear NW,
When you meet people on line there's no way to know that any of what they say is true unless it's corroborated by a trustworthy mutual friend.
I'm sorry, but it's just too easy to be dishonest in one's virtual contacts.
Sister Jo and I laugh about our friends who have never posted an on line picture that hasn't been Photoshopped ("Wow! that one doesn't look like her At All."), so you're right to be very cautious.
There are literally hundreds of Young Men at your school that would like to date you, so my preference is that you'd keep your social interactions on campus. If you do decide to meet either of these guys, and I do think that's worth trying, then:
1. They need to come to you. You're worth the trip, so they'll have to make it.
2. Meet for the first few times in public places, preferably with friends close. These meetings are not dates, they're meetings, so "pick up" does not apply. You've got to get a feel for what kind of person someone is before you agree to go somewhere alone with them.
Or at the very least make sure that your first dates are well planned, during daylight, and you have a way to be rescued if needed.
I absolutely think you need to be talking to these men on the phone instead of just texts and chats.
I think they need to do the calling (and so does Sister Jo, by the way), and I think you need to keep BOTH possibilities open; no need to limit yourself to just one of these guys (or even both of them) at this point. They may be seeing other girls, but there's no reason why you can't be dating other guys!
Now, Dear Sister, if you're self-conscious about your size, and if it's something you can control, then do. I can tell you from experience that changing one's diet, understanding the body and how food works, and getting a little bit of exercise can do wonders, not just for the physique, but for health and self-confidence.
It took two and a half years, and is a constant battle every day, but I lost 50 pounds by understanding the psychological challenges I have with food (I have to convince myself that the cookie I see now is not the last of its kind - and that's a battle I don't always win), understanding how many calories are in certain foods (I can never eat a Costco muffin again, and I used to eat them 2 at a time), and confessing to myself that simply existing and occasionally going for a walk does not change the fact that I live a sedentary life.
As I said, it's a constant battle, and I still have a ways to go. But it's doable!
I've made these changes because I was very unhappy with how I was. (Still am, a bit.)
If you're not unhappy, you won't be motivated to change.
And if you are happy, if your size does not pose any health risks, then accept who you are! Embrace your size and say "this is who I am, and there's nothing wrong with that"!
And then you can stop feeling self-conscious.
Self-confidence is attractive, so whatever size you are, or you choose to be, take confidence in the fact that regardless of that you're a great person who deserves to be taken on dates.
Let me know how your on line experiences go, would ya?
- Bro Jo
Friday, February 2, 2018
When Depression is Crippling Your Mission
Dear Bro Jo,
Hello Brother Jo.
I sent you an email trying to get you to give a devotional in my stake in (Location Withheld) around 6 or 7 months ago. I am on a mission now.
Sorry for the sloppiness of the letter, I am anxious and trying to write down as much info as I can.
I am on my mission to the (Location Withheld). I have been out for almost a month now. I spent 10 days in the MTC, and have been in the field for 8 days.
I was on your blog (I hope you are an approved site for missionaries . . .) and trying to find an article about something specific, but I couldn’t find it. I found that you don’t have any articles or letters about Depression. I come to you, because I would like some advice.
Freshman year, I struggled with friendships, relationships, school, family, and sports. Basically life.
Soon enough, my family and I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with Chronic Depression.
I had Panic Attacks, Feelings of Worthlessness, and Anxiety.
This was ruining my testimony.
I will say, that this was caused by a couple different things, one of which was a sin, Pornography and masturbation. After fighting with balancing the medicine out and the repentance process, I finally got balanced and felt the love of the atonement in my life.
Three years, I never had an incident again with my medication. But then my mission starts.
Doctors warned me that this could be bad and I could fall back where I started. I left on my mission thinking I was strong enough.
The experience at the MTC was amazing! I was on such a spiritual high! I never felt anything like it! I was so happy!
Being at the Mission Home was a bit daunting, but was still awesome!
I got to my mission apartment, and I spiraled down.
As I am writing this, I am fighting off tears.
I cannot feel anything.
The best way I can explain it is, I am back in my dark pit and cannot find the ladder out, or see Christ's hand to help lift me out, no matter how much I call out or search.
I haven’t felt the spirit since I left the MTC,
I don’t feel Gods presence, and no matter how much I pray, and beg, and I feel forsaken. I also have sought out priesthood blessings.
I have gone into panic attacks and haven’t really stopped crying.
I honestly feel like I am supposed to be home, and not on my mission. That I should be working at the temple and helping the missionaries like I did before my mission.
I’ll be honest, I miss home, but I don’t think that is it. I think my depression is coming back full swing.
When I think of home, I see light, and feel great.
When I think of my mission, I feel mist, darkness, and uncertainty. I have talked with my Mission President on the phone, and he and I will be talking in person this week.
I feel like this is destroying me.
That my mind isn’t functioning right, and that my body is suffering as well. I don’t have any energy to get out of bed, and I regretfully have little to no desire to go out and do my calling.
I end up just following my companion around numbly.
That’s really all I feel is numb.
But, my testimony has not wavered.
I know he is there, and he is listening. I just don’t have the desire.
I beg if there is anything you can do, tell me what I need, Please let me know.
- A Missionary in Turmoil
Dear Elder,
If this email ever posts, I promise to remove any information that would lead people to recognize you.
I'm not a counselor or therapist, but I do care about you and am praying for your aid.
I believe depression to be a very real thing. I also think that the Adversary is working very hard on you right now. I don't think that's happening because you're a bad guy. I think you're a good guy trying to do good things and he hates that.
I believe talking to your Mission President will be a great help. He has the keys to guide you in the way that you need most. Whatever that may be.
Depression and addiction have triggers. In your previous treatment were you able to discover what those are? Sometimes knowing what can push us down the spiral can help us to avoid or overcome it.
I think your use of the word "spiral" is very apropos. As we begin to struggle we see that we're struggling and that worries us . . . so we struggle more.
But know this: you survived before, and you will survive again!
I'd like you to ponder what has worked for you in the past. Medication? Meditation?
What helps you feel more in control?
My Missionary sons all say that it's important to find something in the mission that becomes your "substitute for sin". I wish I had a better phrase for it. Let me explain. There's such pressure (mostly internal) for missionaries to "be perfect" that one can be overwhelmed. None of us is, of course, perfect. One boy would eat chocolate. Another would watch videos on Mormon Messages. And another eats cookies.
None of those things are bad, or against the rules, but they can all be seen as "little rewards" one gives oneself when needed.
"You know, I'm a good guy, but I'm struggling a little right now, so I think I deserve a cookie".
It may sound silly, but they all swear by it.
(As a guy who struggles being happy with his weight, I would be better off finding something than a treat, but I think you get the general idea.)
FYI: Sister Jo swears by Ginger. As in Ginger Snaps. There is a chemical in ginger that does make us feel better. And who isn't happy eating a gingersnap?
She also says that acts of service can be very beneficial. It's hard to feel sorry for yourself when your helping others to feel better about themselves.
And service is one of the best things about being a missionary.
Hang in there, my friend!
I know you can do it!
And I know it will get better.
Go talk to your Mission President. ASAP, please.
Praying for you,
- Bro Jo
Dear Bro Jo,
Thank you for your message. It really helped me feel better.
I have talked with my Mission President. He and I feel like it’s time for me to go home. I came out to try to do it, but I couldn’t.
I will still be finishing my mission at home, in a service or temple mission. I am excited to work at the temple. I worked there before, and I loved it.
I will be okay, and I will be reading your blog forever, because you helped me a lot in the past, and will in the future.
- Elder
Dear Elder,
I'm glad you're feeling better. And I'm Very Glad you spoke to your Mission President.
Wishing you all the best.
And keep in touch.
God bless.
- Bro Jo
[Dear Readers,
Everyone feels "blue" once in a while. Missions are full of challenges and it's very normal to have occasional feelings of loneliness . . . inadequacy . . . frustration . . .
Every missionary I've spoken to has said that they've felt those things . . . that they've had moments where they wondered what they're doing out there . . . that they think they should just go home.
EVERY.
For many pushing through . . . being patient with themselves . . . losing themselves in the work . . . being of service . . . remembering back to those times when they didn't want to practice their sport or instrument or new skill but they did anyway . . . reading the scriptures . . . doing things to feel the Spirit . . . looking around and realizing all that the Lord has blessed you with and all of the things you have to feel grateful for . . .has helped them to endure, to overcome those feelings . . . to Cary On, Cary On, Cary On!
But when we get to a point that we feel like we just can't go on . . . when depression becomes crippling and none of the things above are helping at all . . .
We need to get help.
Help from someone who CAN help.
If you feel that way on your mission, go talk to your Mission President or the Mission Therapist.
(Many missions have a Mission Therapist and almost no one knows that. It's free AND confidential.)
When you're at home, talk to a trusted family member or friend; talk to your Bishop or a Professional Counselor.
(Your Bishop can help you find a Professional Counselor, by the way.)
One friend recently shared his testimony with me about the power of the Addiction Recovery Class that the Church offers in most areas. He said "it should be called 'The Atonement is Awesome!'" and shared with me his testimony that more people should give it a try.
Please, please, please don't ever feel ashamed about asking for help.
- Bro Jo]
Hello Brother Jo.
I sent you an email trying to get you to give a devotional in my stake in (Location Withheld) around 6 or 7 months ago. I am on a mission now.
Sorry for the sloppiness of the letter, I am anxious and trying to write down as much info as I can.
I am on my mission to the (Location Withheld). I have been out for almost a month now. I spent 10 days in the MTC, and have been in the field for 8 days.
I was on your blog (I hope you are an approved site for missionaries . . .) and trying to find an article about something specific, but I couldn’t find it. I found that you don’t have any articles or letters about Depression. I come to you, because I would like some advice.
Freshman year, I struggled with friendships, relationships, school, family, and sports. Basically life.
Soon enough, my family and I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with Chronic Depression.
I had Panic Attacks, Feelings of Worthlessness, and Anxiety.
This was ruining my testimony.
I will say, that this was caused by a couple different things, one of which was a sin, Pornography and masturbation. After fighting with balancing the medicine out and the repentance process, I finally got balanced and felt the love of the atonement in my life.
Three years, I never had an incident again with my medication. But then my mission starts.
Doctors warned me that this could be bad and I could fall back where I started. I left on my mission thinking I was strong enough.
The experience at the MTC was amazing! I was on such a spiritual high! I never felt anything like it! I was so happy!
Being at the Mission Home was a bit daunting, but was still awesome!
I got to my mission apartment, and I spiraled down.
As I am writing this, I am fighting off tears.
I cannot feel anything.
The best way I can explain it is, I am back in my dark pit and cannot find the ladder out, or see Christ's hand to help lift me out, no matter how much I call out or search.
I haven’t felt the spirit since I left the MTC,
I don’t feel Gods presence, and no matter how much I pray, and beg, and I feel forsaken. I also have sought out priesthood blessings.
I have gone into panic attacks and haven’t really stopped crying.
I honestly feel like I am supposed to be home, and not on my mission. That I should be working at the temple and helping the missionaries like I did before my mission.
I’ll be honest, I miss home, but I don’t think that is it. I think my depression is coming back full swing.
When I think of home, I see light, and feel great.
When I think of my mission, I feel mist, darkness, and uncertainty. I have talked with my Mission President on the phone, and he and I will be talking in person this week.
I feel like this is destroying me.
That my mind isn’t functioning right, and that my body is suffering as well. I don’t have any energy to get out of bed, and I regretfully have little to no desire to go out and do my calling.
I end up just following my companion around numbly.
That’s really all I feel is numb.
But, my testimony has not wavered.
I know he is there, and he is listening. I just don’t have the desire.
I beg if there is anything you can do, tell me what I need, Please let me know.
- A Missionary in Turmoil
Dear Elder,
If this email ever posts, I promise to remove any information that would lead people to recognize you.
I'm not a counselor or therapist, but I do care about you and am praying for your aid.
I believe depression to be a very real thing. I also think that the Adversary is working very hard on you right now. I don't think that's happening because you're a bad guy. I think you're a good guy trying to do good things and he hates that.
I believe talking to your Mission President will be a great help. He has the keys to guide you in the way that you need most. Whatever that may be.
Depression and addiction have triggers. In your previous treatment were you able to discover what those are? Sometimes knowing what can push us down the spiral can help us to avoid or overcome it.
I think your use of the word "spiral" is very apropos. As we begin to struggle we see that we're struggling and that worries us . . . so we struggle more.
But know this: you survived before, and you will survive again!
I'd like you to ponder what has worked for you in the past. Medication? Meditation?
What helps you feel more in control?
My Missionary sons all say that it's important to find something in the mission that becomes your "substitute for sin". I wish I had a better phrase for it. Let me explain. There's such pressure (mostly internal) for missionaries to "be perfect" that one can be overwhelmed. None of us is, of course, perfect. One boy would eat chocolate. Another would watch videos on Mormon Messages. And another eats cookies.
None of those things are bad, or against the rules, but they can all be seen as "little rewards" one gives oneself when needed.
"You know, I'm a good guy, but I'm struggling a little right now, so I think I deserve a cookie".
It may sound silly, but they all swear by it.
(As a guy who struggles being happy with his weight, I would be better off finding something than a treat, but I think you get the general idea.)
FYI: Sister Jo swears by Ginger. As in Ginger Snaps. There is a chemical in ginger that does make us feel better. And who isn't happy eating a gingersnap?
She also says that acts of service can be very beneficial. It's hard to feel sorry for yourself when your helping others to feel better about themselves.
And service is one of the best things about being a missionary.
Hang in there, my friend!
I know you can do it!
And I know it will get better.
Go talk to your Mission President. ASAP, please.
Praying for you,
- Bro Jo
Dear Bro Jo,
Thank you for your message. It really helped me feel better.
I have talked with my Mission President. He and I feel like it’s time for me to go home. I came out to try to do it, but I couldn’t.
I will still be finishing my mission at home, in a service or temple mission. I am excited to work at the temple. I worked there before, and I loved it.
I will be okay, and I will be reading your blog forever, because you helped me a lot in the past, and will in the future.
- Elder
Dear Elder,
I'm glad you're feeling better. And I'm Very Glad you spoke to your Mission President.
Wishing you all the best.
And keep in touch.
God bless.
- Bro Jo
[Dear Readers,
Everyone feels "blue" once in a while. Missions are full of challenges and it's very normal to have occasional feelings of loneliness . . . inadequacy . . . frustration . . .
Every missionary I've spoken to has said that they've felt those things . . . that they've had moments where they wondered what they're doing out there . . . that they think they should just go home.
EVERY.
For many pushing through . . . being patient with themselves . . . losing themselves in the work . . . being of service . . . remembering back to those times when they didn't want to practice their sport or instrument or new skill but they did anyway . . . reading the scriptures . . . doing things to feel the Spirit . . . looking around and realizing all that the Lord has blessed you with and all of the things you have to feel grateful for . . .has helped them to endure, to overcome those feelings . . . to Cary On, Cary On, Cary On!
But when we get to a point that we feel like we just can't go on . . . when depression becomes crippling and none of the things above are helping at all . . .
We need to get help.
Help from someone who CAN help.
If you feel that way on your mission, go talk to your Mission President or the Mission Therapist.
(Many missions have a Mission Therapist and almost no one knows that. It's free AND confidential.)
When you're at home, talk to a trusted family member or friend; talk to your Bishop or a Professional Counselor.
(Your Bishop can help you find a Professional Counselor, by the way.)
One friend recently shared his testimony with me about the power of the Addiction Recovery Class that the Church offers in most areas. He said "it should be called 'The Atonement is Awesome!'" and shared with me his testimony that more people should give it a try.
Please, please, please don't ever feel ashamed about asking for help.
- Bro Jo]
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)