tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.comments2024-03-23T19:56:39.134-06:00Dear Bro Jo . . . Bro Johttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04525964417706399553noreply@blogger.comBlogger2262125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-36685607665656558532018-03-11T11:49:38.664-06:002018-03-11T11:49:38.664-06:00RM’s are not good people just for being RM’s...the...RM’s are not good people just for being RM’s...there’s some real RM jerks out there so saying that an RM is automatically better than who she is with now is pretty insulting. The RM label does not make you worthy of anything...you make yourself worthy whether you’ve gone or not.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-86621305807016738342018-02-19T04:29:08.805-07:002018-02-19T04:29:08.805-07:00It’s really a great post.I would like to appreciat...It’s really a great post.I would like to appreciate your work and I am going to recommend it to my friends. Thanks for sharing.relationship advicehttps://www.askmile.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-46432907501299481192018-02-02T10:53:06.268-07:002018-02-02T10:53:06.268-07:00This is probably the best response that has ever b...This is probably the best response that has ever been written on your blog. It addresses a real problem many face, it acknowledges the persons feelings and offers spot on suggestions. I really wish people would take advantage of the resources offered by the addiction recovery program. Our stake president's wife sent out a digital copy of Healing Through Christ which was written for the family of addicted family members. It is awesome and I have used it to improve all my family and church relationships. We have resources and we should use them REPEATEDLY:)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-91967610318358994262018-01-18T14:51:58.666-07:002018-01-18T14:51:58.666-07:00Dear Mike,
I was thinking that it might also help...Dear Mike,<br /><br />I was thinking that it might also help you to read through the comments previous to yours.<br /><br />Cheers,<br /><br />- Bro JoBro Johttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04525964417706399553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-31064213540807803112018-01-18T14:49:37.861-07:002018-01-18T14:49:37.861-07:00Dear Mike,
Thank you for reading and for your com...Dear Mike,<br /><br />Thank you for reading and for your comments.<br /><br /><br />If I may, here's where I think you go astray: at no point do I say that a couple must be in agreement regarding any of their answers to this list. <br /><br />It's not a test, my friend.<br /><br />The list isn't so much about "common ground" as it is about Communication; talking about personal things that are important, and LISTENING to the other person's point of view.<br /><br />Whether or not something is a "deal breaker" is dependent upon how an individual feels about the topic and the answer given. (You'll note that there are no "right or wrong answers" provided. Because again, well . . . it's not an exam.)<br /><br />Communication (including understanding how the other person acts, reacts, and communicates - not just the professing of one's own beliefs) is the Key in making any long-term relationship work.<br /><br />It's a little funny, I think, that at the same time you said the list was too long you also came up with even more questions to ask. I think that's great!<br /><br />If you look back I think you'll see that the essence of your questions is already in my list. Plus look at this cool thing that happened: in reading the list you came up with your own ideas and questions!<br /><br />That's perfect.<br /><br />AND EXACTLY what, IMHO, young people need to be doing as they try to decide whether or not the person they're thinking about marrying is a good fit for them.<br /><br />In the LDS Church many of our youth think of marriage as if it's just another box to check off on their way to eternal happiness. That isn't a good place to start from.<br /><br />My goal here is to guide Young Single Adults towards doing a little more due diligence before they make an eternal commitment.<br /><br />Will it guarantee happiness?<br /><br />Nope.<br /><br />But there's also no way to anticipate everything that could ever come up as two people go through life together. (As I think you illustrate quite well.)<br /><br /><br />IF you read more of my blog you'll see that I agree with your sentiment that there's "no such thing as 'the one' or a 'perfect match'. I've also said that "Trust is more important than "Love" (which is not to say that Love is not important), that life and the people in it are full of trials, challenges and changes.<br /><br />All of which it sounds like you agree upon.<br /><br /><br />I respect that you disagree with the list, but I stand by it and I stand by encouraging couples to communicate.<br /><br />Communication is the Key!<br /><br />It's the key to happy relationships, the key to working through all of the difficulties that come our way.<br /><br />We all get beat up through life. Rare is the individual who lives in the world of "Dancing Trees and Singing Flowers". (I tell young people that a lot here, too.)<br /><br /><br />I commend you and your parents for your perseverance and hard work!<br /><br /><br />All the best,<br /><br /><br />- Bro Jo<br /><br /><br /><br />PS: One of the BEST things a couple can do to keep from getting, as you said, "grumpy", is to continue courting each other, to keep dating each other. At least once a week if at all possible is what I recommend. <br /><br />Dating your spouse is a great way to keep the communication going! Bro Johttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04525964417706399553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-65340838790495707852018-01-18T13:33:32.926-07:002018-01-18T13:33:32.926-07:00Hey Bro Jo.
One of the youth I know brought to my...Hey Bro Jo.<br /><br />One of the youth I know brought to my attention your list of stuff you need to know before getting married that you posted several years ago That was a pretty nice long list of topics for discussion. <br /><br />I will tell you one thing. My wife and I (married over 30 years) would not be married if we had to be on the same page in that many areas. We were not even batting 50% agreement on that list and after 2 years of dating had not talked about some of them. You might say we must have a crappy marriage, but it is what we have.<br /><br />I will tell you another thing. I showed this list to several of my married friends in the ward and it seems that very few people are not in serious disagreement on several of these questions. We agree the list is too long and unrealistic. <br /><br />I would put another spin on the list of questions. If a young couple can find common ground on half of these questions, they are a better than average match. And there is a way to “cheat” on this test. See, you both agree to disagree on many issues. Only a handful of those questions are true deal breakers for any given couple and people do change for better and for worse. If you really love someone what will you put up with to be with them? Quite a bit? Half that list in my case. Even more in my wife’s case.<br /><br />Thinking back on real life serious problems, most of those questions are buttercup questions. Other more difficult questions might include: <br />-How would you handle a spouse having just one affair (including sex) when you have small children? (about 50% do) <br />-How would you respond to a spouse who joins another church? <br />-What about the spouse who comes out of the closet and declares they are gay after 15 years and a few children?<br />- What would you do if your spouse committed a non-violent crime and was sent to prison for 20 years?<br /> -Wayward children? (in a thousand possible ways).<br />-What about a car accident and permanent severe brain damage, needing full-time nursing care? <br />-What if a parent left the kids in the hot tub for 3 minutes to take a phone call and one of them drowned? <br />-Or develops a gambling habit and bankrupts the family? <br />-Or a substance abuse problem; alcohol, heroin, cocaine, prescription medications? <br />-How about a spouse who attempts suicide?<br /><br /> These kind of challenges happen all the time and many of your readers are going to have to face the likes of them. (My parents survived three of them).<br /> <br />People change but you as their spouse have little control over the direction of that change. I am now married to a rather random person who I probably wouldn’t even like if I had married someone else and divorced them and met her. I have been beat up pretty thoroughly by life and I am a much more difficult person to put up with or love than I was years ago. There are legitimate reasons why old men (and women) get grumpy. In other words, the areas of disagreement and incompatibility might grow, not shrink. <br /><br />This has already gotten rather windy but I will tell you one last thing. Young people are having a very hard time finding partners and getting married these days. They already have unrealistic expectations. I don’t think your list is going to help that problem, maybe make it worse. And divorce is on the increase. Finding the perfect partner at the beginning is not the answer.<br /><br />People need to be more forgiving and tolerant of weaknesses in each other. Those lucky enough to form really happy great marriages should have just a little bit more understanding and gratitude for that blessing and not be as judgmental on those not so blessed, for whatever reason.<br /><br />Marriage in most cases is more a matter of grit than love or compatibility.<br /><br />Mikenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-36682114506735681782018-01-16T07:06:59.877-07:002018-01-16T07:06:59.877-07:00An excellent recommendation, Becky!
- Bro JoAn excellent recommendation, Becky!<br /><br />- Bro JoBro Johttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04525964417706399553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-72960129788744555292017-12-14T15:26:02.884-07:002017-12-14T15:26:02.884-07:00I totally understand this conversation...
I was in...I totally understand this conversation...<br />I was in a serious relationship with a guy and each time I prayed about it, I felt that I should continue. Until one day when all of a sudden it wasn't right and I couldn't continue in this relationship. For me the thing that stopped everything in its tracks was when he blew a gasket over something incredibly small and he kept being upset about it until way past a normal reaction... It was then that I went back and had another conversation with Heavenly Father about this relationship and was told that it was over. <br />My answer was VERY clear, there was no room for misunderstanding. My boyfriend didn't want to accept that answer and kept writing to me for A YEAR after I broke things off, even when I didn't respond to ANY phone calls or emails. Big red flag there... There is tenacity and then there is obsession. I think I dodged a bullet there...<br />But you know what? I learned a whole lot from that relationship. It was good for me. I learned a lot about myself -I gained a lot of clarity about what I do and don't like, what I can accept, and what I should never accept. It has helped clear out a lot of junk that has allowed me to see relationships better. I'm glad I had the opportunity to learn that even if the relationship didn't last and I am grateful that Heavenly Father provided that opportunity to learn such important lessons without having to go through a bad marriage to learn them.<br />Keep listening, keep praying, you will find someone who is a good fit for you and then hopefully you too will be grateful that she broke up with you.<br />Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-15983797993959524142017-12-01T15:29:13.971-07:002017-12-01T15:29:13.971-07:00I don't know if I agree with Bro Jo on this on...I don't know if I agree with Bro Jo on this one. It is not as simple as that. Finding a good men,temple worthy, priesthood holder, hardworking, supportive etc. And to be honest I think men should be supportive and women should be hardworking too. We can't ignore the fact that it is also about compatibility and attraction. And dare I say love. Every person that get married in the western world that I know, including Mormons say they did get married out of love. That is a good to list but I understand where this person is coming from. I guess my advice for this person is to keep on dating and be patient. I'm sorry but I find it tiresome and annoying that many people in the church is obsessed with getting married young, and feeling like an old maid at 27 or ever 37. 27 is still young. 37 is still young. And I think it's unfair to assume single Mormon men over the age of 30 is a creep. That mentality does not sit well with me at all.Lisahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10577294561512450780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-27890479168074284552017-11-15T12:08:23.346-07:002017-11-15T12:08:23.346-07:00Thank you, Becky! Great to hear from you. I'...Thank you, Becky! Great to hear from you. I'm sorry the posts have been so few and far between. After over 1400 posts and about three times as many emails I'm starting to feel like I've said about all I have to say. Plus, to be honest, the amount of editing required to post some of the emails I get (more for grammar and punctuation than anything else) began to wear me out!<br /><br />Still here. Still answering emails.<br /><br />Maybe after a good Thanksgiving break I'll get back to posting more.<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />- Bro JoBro Johttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04525964417706399553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-25582984883752229562017-11-15T12:00:34.473-07:002017-11-15T12:00:34.473-07:00Hey Bro Jo,
I am missing your blog comments.
Are ...Hey Bro Jo,<br />I am missing your blog comments. <br />Are you coming back?Beckyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18230664933318663671noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-36693683852842438802017-11-10T15:36:56.054-07:002017-11-10T15:36:56.054-07:00Me thinks she doth protest too much. If people thi...Me thinks she doth protest too much. If people think you're bitter, the mature thing to do it genuinely question if you actually are instead of just denying it. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-78597024282397452222017-09-02T21:05:16.200-06:002017-09-02T21:05:16.200-06:00To be fair, I always take it as a compliment when ...To be fair, I always take it as a compliment when well meaning married people call me picky. By assuming my own pickiness is the reason that I'm single, it tells me that they assume I must have guys all over me to actually reject or be picky with in the first place... and so in other words, they are calling me a catch! <3 :D Which is far better than saying "you're single because the other gender is too picky".Annanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-3681541059119719172017-08-08T13:10:11.184-06:002017-08-08T13:10:11.184-06:00I think sometimes in dating we expect and want the...I think sometimes in dating we expect and want the craziness and the exhilaration but at one point I realized its actually anxiety we are describing. Why am i looking to be anxious around someone to know that I love them. The unpredictability and lack of security makes each possible interaction exciting and addictive almost when it goes well. Peace and calm are a lot more secure and stable. <br />This analogy helped me. We think we want a motorcycle. spontaneious, exciting, exhilarating! But really they are not safe and can be dangerous and lots of ups and downs and while exciting at first not good for the long term. At least I don't expect to have a motorcycle take care of my future family. Instead, I want a comfy couch. Consistent, reliable, safe, calm, soothing, home, responsible. <br /><br />I am now engaged and it was not what i expected either. Its good and normal. Its so normal that it makes it weird, but its good. And i may have thought I would feel giddy and crazy and maybe at times I do, but really being with my fiance just feels good, normal and peaceful and I love that and I love him. Hope that helps. Carissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05825494354657781862noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-9568137227796574922017-08-01T06:50:54.491-06:002017-08-01T06:50:54.491-06:00Funny but true.
Do you understand why?
Bro JoFunny but true.<br />Do you understand why?<br />Bro JoBro Johttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04525964417706399553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-31292197632295848782017-07-31T23:27:48.386-06:002017-07-31T23:27:48.386-06:00Have to laugh at the notion that 20-17 is creepy b...Have to laugh at the notion that 20-17 is creepy but 21-18 is perfectly fine. Matthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04474420603184744394noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-76198935578591279952017-07-22T18:32:11.804-06:002017-07-22T18:32:11.804-06:00@Jayme
First of all, congratulations!
Very cool....@Jayme<br /><br />First of all, congratulations!<br /><br />Very cool.<br /><br />Secondly, she doesn't say that "he" is making her life hell, but that the situation is "hell" because they've been arguing so much.<br /><br />Breakups can be, and typically are, very painful. I think that's what she's feeling. She's not blaming him, and I don't think you or I are right in this instance to, either.<br /><br />Nor do I think there's evidence that he was making the relationship all about himself.<br /><br />Here's what I see: he thought they were going to get married, she's clearly not ready (which I think you're absolutely correct about and which I was trying to get her to realize when I asked "why now").<br /><br />I agree with you that getting married needs to be done in the right way. While a since of urgency can be motivating, it's also important that couples aren't just "checking off a Spiritual Requirements" box.<br /><br />"Fast" is also a term that's relative to each situation. Yes, I think we can say "this couple is too immature" or that "they clearly don't know each other well enough yet"; but it's also true that two people who are much younger than the national marriage average but who have testimonies in the right place and are equally committed to each other can make things work, and they may not need months and months (let along years) to realize that.<br /><br />Thank you for your comments!<br /><br />And I'm so very glad that you got the help that you needed.<br /><br />God bless,<br /><br />- Bro JoBro Johttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04525964417706399553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-12207067664629790742017-07-22T07:30:30.918-06:002017-07-22T07:30:30.918-06:00Something about this story has rubbed me the wrong...Something about this story has rubbed me the wrong way and I feel compelled to respond. There is certainly truth to Bro Jo's answer, especially the bit about "why now?". I dont know, but something tells me OP might not actually marry this man... and I'm not entirely sure she should. I understand that it is difficult to find a good man in your late twenties and beyond (I'm engaged at thirty, I should know!) but please dont every marry someone for time and all eternity simply because you're worried no one else will ever come along. I strongly believe that happy singledom is better than unhappy marriage, and you certianly don't want to bring children into a home where you constantly feel that your husband has held you back.<br /><br />That said, I feel the most troubling part of the letter is that he is making their relationship "figurative hell" and that his main argument is that she is being selfish and not thinking of him. This may be true, but he is making thier relationship all about himself.<br /><br />Has he ever asked why she feels like she has to serve right now if the relationship is going so well? Have they had a serious discussion about what is really going to happen if she leaves which, yes, if most definitely that he will move on. From just this tiny bit of her side of the story, I'm not convinced either of these two have the communication skills or emotional maturity for marriage yet. And it's quite likely she doesn't actually want to marry this man (who I'm currently unconvinced is actually "wonderful") and she simply hasn't admitted it to herself yet.<br /><br />Last, everyone matures at different rates. I was in no place to be married at 25. That year, I was in a rough spot and ended up needing a yherapist to help sort my stuff out. I understand the desperation of getting married ASAP, but doing it the right way is always better than doing it the fast way.Jaymenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-88063801859491677762017-07-21T16:29:37.726-06:002017-07-21T16:29:37.726-06:00I disagree with the comments expressed in this fee...I disagree with the comments expressed in this feed - I was in a serious committed relationship and chose a mission over marriage. I served,was very blessed, help many other people, and came home. Two years after coming home I was married. I have a very strong testimony that every individual, especially women in God's church, have their own unique plan that may be different than what is considered "typical" or "traditional." The Lord will confirm to you if your choice is right - And honestly, if God has confirmed this decision, your ecclesiastical leader is supportive as well, and you are motivated by the right reasons, then I see no reason why you should not follow the individualized council given to you from God. I can promise you, if you are choosing to serve because of your love for the Savior, God will NEVER punish you for choosing to serve, no matter what else you may sacrifice in the meantime. If you have any lingering doubts, I highly suggest you listen to the BYU devotional titled "Women and Education" from June 2017. The speaker gives examples of three righteous women who each made radically different decisions about education and family.Each was led by the Lord to her own path. Please, trust the inspiration you have received from God, even if it may seem different from what everybody else is doing. Trust that he had a plan for you - and choosing a mission over marriage was definitely right for me.Ahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07882302741987372640noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-75947235520345289072017-07-19T17:13:30.752-06:002017-07-19T17:13:30.752-06:00@ Lisa -
I'm usually quick to jump on the &q...@ Lisa - <br /><br />I'm usually quick to jump on the "we Mormons are weird" bandwagon . . .<br />But in this case I can explain (and even understand) what the problem is.<br /><br />In our culture we see Family as a key part of happiness. We also feel strongly about only having sex with the person you're married to.<br /><br />Because of those things Latter-day Saints tend to be . . . "motivated" (if you will) . . . to get married and start families at a younger age than most of the world. (Although I do think it needs to be said that "Mormons getting married younger than everyone" else is neither as true nor as extreme as we might believe.)<br /><br />While I agree that 27 or 28 isn't "super old", and certainly would never want someone of any age (and I mean ANY) to think that they're "too old" to find a happy and healthy marriage, there certainly are some realities that we have to accept.<br /><br />1. If MOST of the available Latter-day Saints are married in their early-to-mid 20's then there just aren't going to be that many people to pick from if one is still single in their late 20's and early 30's.<br /><br />2. If one intends to have children, the longer one waits the fewer "golden child bearing years" one has. Most folks aren't wild about being in their late 50's and early 60's at their child's high school graduation. (Not to mention that it's not good financial planning for most folks to be in a situation where the kids need college help at the same time the parents should be retiring and going on missions.)<br /><br />3. One of the best places to meet eligible singles is in college. For some folks that's why they party and become promiscuous. For Latter-day Saints it's often a great time to date with a purpose (that purpose being to find out what type of person makes a good spouse for you) and while most Mormons graduate college without having gotten married, many if not most meet their future spouse during those college years. Once one is out of college the hard fact is that it's just much harder to meet single people, especially those with high standards.<br /><br />Marriage and raising children, when done right, is a selfless act requiring a lot of sacrifice and service.<br /><br />Sister Jo says she thinks that's why many who could and should be married put it off.<br /><br />But marriage and family are also wonderful things, and can fill one's life with joy and blessings.<br /><br />THAT, my friend, is why Mormons try to get married younger.<br /><br />And it's not weird.<br /><br />It's wise.<br /><br />Thanks for commenting!<br /><br />Cheers,<br /><br />- Bro JoBro Johttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04525964417706399553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-66338228615627454402017-07-19T16:56:39.667-06:002017-07-19T16:56:39.667-06:00@ Laura - Sorry. No follow-up. Perhaps she'l...@ Laura - Sorry. No follow-up. Perhaps she'll see this and let us know . . .<br />Best,<br />- Bro JoBro Johttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04525964417706399553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-73954850532799901782017-07-19T16:49:17.755-06:002017-07-19T16:49:17.755-06:00I don't understand. Why is it hard for 27 and ...I don't understand. Why is it hard for 27 and 28 year old sisters to find someone? They are still young. Mormon culture is so weird.Lisahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10577294561512450780noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-8495647669263956842017-07-19T16:27:43.957-06:002017-07-19T16:27:43.957-06:00Missions are great. Marriage is -even better-. I w...Missions are great. Marriage is -even better-. I would recommend getting a blessing of guidance and comfort. And personally, unless there are some serious red flags to the guy, I would absolutely pass up the mission. You can still go out with the missionaries in your family ward when you are married, and let your bishop and stake leaders know of your desire to serve! They'll put you to work while you get to start a family and raise them to be missionaries. I know it is not the same, but it is rewarding in its own way. Eternally, even. I really hope this sister made the best choice for her, whatever that was. Was there any follow-up to this, Bro Jo?Laurahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07635107483565191500noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-1827131662963886232017-07-13T19:17:34.082-06:002017-07-13T19:17:34.082-06:00This is amazing I really needed this thank you so ...This is amazing I really needed this thank you so much!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729080532188674868.post-229120668917977722017-06-29T09:22:50.279-06:002017-06-29T09:22:50.279-06:00Thank you. I have corrected the type-o.
Cheers,
...Thank you. I have corrected the type-o.<br /><br />Cheers,<br /><br />- Bro JoBro Johttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04525964417706399553noreply@blogger.com