You've said that "mutually exclusive" is what you want post mission, and open, fun "hanging out" in high school, but what about pre-mission freshpeople? Is it better to start getting experience in steady dating, or to avoid heartache that may come as a young man prepares for a mission?
-Transitioning in Swaziland
Dear Swazi -
Ah, the man in the middle question. I've had guys tell me that being a Freshman at an LDS college is either the worst year or the best year. Seems that either no one wants to date him because he's going to be gone in a few months or he's very popular for casual dating because, well . . . , he's going to be gone in a few months.
As a "glass is half full" guy myself, I'm going to go with the "very popular" choice: keep dating, but keep it casual. When I was your age I believed that there was only one girl out there for me, but if that were true the odds of finding her in this great big world would be nigh impossible.
(Perhaps this is why so many LDS Singles stay single for so gosh darn long - rather than recognize the possibility that the person they're dating will make a wonderful spouse, they keep searching for "perfection", as if, you know, they themselves were perfect . . . but I digress).
Ergo, if there's more than one girl out there for you, no need to do any serious searching (or make any serious commitments) pre-mission. Single-dating is OK, but be upfront about your status: you're there to have fun and get to know someone a little better, not form an Eternal Partnership. Be prepared to cast this fish back into the sea. You can go fishing again when you get back and, should you hook her again in two years . . . well that's a different situation, isn't it?
Have fun; avoid the heartache. If that means you don't get a lot of dates Freshman year, that's alright, because in two short years when you get back, my friend, you'll have to beat 'em off with a stick! LDS girls dig RMs!
Two side notes:
1) Girls, shame on you if you're trying to lock a pre-missionary into a commitment; it may be the dumbest thing either of you do. Yes, I know that a great many prominent Latter-day Saints had pre-mission commitments, but two years is a long time for a single girl to not date or for either of you to expect that the other won't change. For every "Other Side of Heaven" story there are five "couples" that didn't happen. If you happen to still be available when he gets back, look him up, but don't wait around doing nothing.
2) To clarify, I'm not an advocate of boys and girls only "hanging out" once they reach dating age (16). Get togethers and parties are fine, and encouraged, but dating still needs to happen, in groups, as prescribed. Pair up but don't be exclusive, it's part of the training.
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for your first side note. I personally think "waiting for a missionary" is one of the worst things a person can do for their personal well being, that of the missionary they are waiting on, and the well being of their relationship.
ReplyDeleteA lot happens in two years. People grow, they change, they mature. Dating helps young people to evolve; they learn more about themselves and what they want in a prospective spouse through dating. Shutting oneself off from that experience, even if one is certain they have found their "soul mate", will stunt emotional growth.
Dating is also about growing socially. A couple decides to stay together during a mission will find their social skills to be severely mismatched at the end of eighteen months or two years. While one partner (the missionary) is spending all of their time developing social skills, the partner who stays home will fall behind in that department. Yes, they will still have their friends and be social (one hopes), but there will still be a difference in the progression. While missionary work is in no way related to dating, there are few non-mission experiences aside from dating to provide one with the social growth and experience a missionary is getting.
For any person to suggest to their partner who is preparing for a mission that they remain a couple throughout is incredibly selfish. The missionary needs to spend their time and energy focusing on the work of the Lord, not on their significant other. Likewise, a prospective missionary who asks their partner to wait (or in some instances actually proposes to them pre-mission) is being selfish. When one make to decision to serve a mission and excepts their calling, they are pledging their time, energy, and life to Heavenly Father and His work. Full time missionaries are to leave their lives behind and enter full service of God; remaining attached to a girlfriend or boyfriend is simply a way a staying in the world.
Thank you, Bro Jo, for addressing this. Great Blog!