Why do you say that boys need to go to dances? We have a dance coming up and my mom says you say I should go. I don't like dances and I don't want to go. I don't think I should be pushed into doing something I don't want to do.
- Name and Town Widthheld
Dear N.T.,
I'd like to hear from you WHY you don't like dances . . .
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that you're still in "shy around girls" mode - totally understandable! Bro Jo was not always the Cool Cat around the ladies that he is today - I know it's hard to believe.
Confession Time: My first Junior High School Dance (7th Grade, we called them Junior Highs back then, 7th-9th) I was a bundle of sweat and nerves. It was in the Gym (Meridian Jr. High, Meridian, Idaho, back before it burned down) and I sat high up in the bleachers, praying no one would bother me.
One of my friends who was WAY MORE comfortable with girls than I was kept trying to get me to dance, but I kept refusing. Please understand: I liked girls (I REALLY LIKED GIRLS) but they scared the . . . . well . . . they scared me a lot. (I now know that fear is a) real, b) a good sign, and c) a pretty typical interpretation - even if not intirely correct - of ones raging hormones).
He went so far as to go up and ask a girl FOR ME. I threatened to do it, and when I saw him actually go up to her, talk to her and then point back at me (did I mention that she was a knock out?) I did what any rational thirteen-year old would do . . . I ran from the Gym, not caring about the mocking laughter of my friends, and waited at the corner for my mom to come and get me.
So my point is that I bet I know what you're going through. At some point the hormones may just override the fear, but like the fear of riding a bike without training wheels, often the best way to get over it is to just face the fear go dance.
Remember that Church Dances are pretty benign. Most any girl will dance with most any guy, and they all know you're not there to find a bride, so the pressure's off a little. (I do need to remind my readers that after giving my oldest son the "any girl will dance with you at a Church Dance" speech on the way to his first dance, the first girl he asked said "no". She was so shy SHE ran from the Gymnasium; he just looked at me and shrugged "what now?"; the answer is: Go Ask Another Girl.)
OK. The reasons I have the "Dance Every Slow Song at Church Dances" rule are this:
- It totally sucks to be a girl at a Church Dance and NOT get asked to Dance; it's rejection without even trying, made even worse when there are guys standing around NOT DANCING. Good Guys go out of their way to make Good Girls feel good about themselves.
- It's excellent practice for asking a girl out, and even later, asking a girl to marry you. Understand this: too many guys have missed wonderful opportunities with excellent women because they were afraid. You think asking a girl to dance is hard, try asking a girl to be your eternal companion, especially if you've never asked a girl to do anything - ain't gonna go well, boys. Get over your fears now with this relatively easy step.
- This isn't just the asking and the dancing, it's practice Talking to Girls, too. I know that's what mortifies you the most. Again, get over it.
And now, with respect to President Hinckley . . .
Bro Jo's 6 Be's of Dancing
- BE Clean. Clean Face, Clean Hands (wipe the sweat off somewhere - NOT your shirt), Clean Breath.
- BE Prepared. The Scout Motto applies to many things in life, including Church Dances. Always be surveying the room, looking for whom to ask the next time a slow song comes on (DON'T do this WHILE you're dancing with another girl, or at least don't make it obvious). Keep them (you should have more than one girl in mind) in relative visual range.
- BE Swift. Get over there, man! If some other guy beats you to her, ask the nearest girl to where you are standing. He Who Hesitates Looks Lost!
- BE Kind. No schmaltzy lines necessary. Simply say: "Would you like to dance?" and hold out your hand. Girls are genetically engineered by the creator to take a hand when it's offered, so do it (this also facilitates "Leading her to the Dance Floor" which a) looks way cooler than turning your back on her and walking out there -people who see that may think you're alone; and b) gives you a great excuse to touch a girl's hand - which is really nice - and you're going to have to do that when you dance with her anyway).
- BE Inquisitive. Ask her questions, and when she responds LISTEN to what she says so you can have an intelligent response. Good opening questions are: "How do you like this dance?", and general questions about school (where does she go? who are her teachers? what are her favorite classes?). Remember to tell her your name and ask her name. Then, when you ask her a question, use her name.
- BE Grateful. At the end of the song, BEFORE you turn her loose, say "Thank you for the Dance (and use her name again). (The reason you say this BEFORE you turn her loose is so that she can HEAR you).
- Get ready to do it again, Bubba!
Now, as for your personal situation: Mom's right on this one. Go to the Dance. I typically agree that you shouldn't be "pushed" before you're ready, but if you're over 14, you're ready. Follow my BE's. After the first time it gets a lot better. I know your heart is in your throat even thinking about dancing, but if you trust me this once, I promise you'll thank me.
If that's not enough for you, accept it as a Priesthood Responsibility that Good Guys like You should make certain that Good Girls don't have to sit on the sidelines and watch their friends dance when they'd like to be out there, too.
Here are my thoughts on this.
ReplyDeleteFirst, Bro Jo, you need to consider that some people simply do not enjoy dances and dancing. For some it has absolutely nothing to do with being nervous or afraid, they just do not enjoy it. We females are very perceptive creatures – we can tell when a guy is doing something they don't enjoy. If this young man is forced to going to a dance he does not want to be at and feels obligated to dance even though he does not want to, chances are the young ladies he dances with are going to pick up on the "I don't want to be here doing this" vibe. Dancing with someone who doesn't want to be dancing with you is worse than being left on the sidelines.
Take it from a girl: it sucks way less to be a girl at a church dance who doesn't get asked to dance than a girl at a church dance who gets asked out of pity or obligation.
Yes, interacting with the opposite sex is very important and, yes, dances are a great place to get that interaction. However, dances are not for everyone, and so not everyone should be expected to go. Period.
It may be a Good Guys responsibility to make a Good Girl feel good, but Good Guys should not have to make themselves feel poorly in order to do that. If this young man does not enjoy dances, he should not be made to go to the dance.
(And don't even get me started on the variety of reasons to avoid church dances. I will just mention 1 – the generic, abysmal playlist where any song that mentions alcohol or has sexual innuendo is taboo, but "Greased Lightening" is played heavily. If you don't know why this is an issue, you – along with dance planners – have never actually listened to the words of that song.)
You're right - some people don't like dancing - and I'm right, most teenaged boys avoid dancing because of fear, not informed dislike.
ReplyDeleteYou see, Rae, what they dislike is being social with girls - it scares the Bee Gees out of them! (pun present for you!)
Dances are harmless, and the benefits a Young Man who is "forced to go" gains far outstrips the "dislike", plus, you're totally ignoring a very valuable life lesson: sometimes we have to do things we don't like because they're the right thing to do - it's not always about "feeling good".
A Good Guy asking a Girl to Dance doesn't have to be a pitty move - it's all in the attitude.
As far as perceptive, with respect I'm going to weigh in on the side of you not perceiving 14 year old boys as well as you think.
Beyond that I agree with you that not every Church Dance is great, but again, is that really a reason to be "inactive" when it comes to Dances? Should we not go to other Church Meetings because we've heard the speaker isn't very good?
I'll let you chew on that for a while.
- Bro Jo
You're right - some people don't like dancing - and I'm right, most teenaged boys avoid dancing because of fear, not informed dislike.
ReplyDeleteYou see, Rae, what they dislike is being social with girls - it scares the Bee Gees out of them! (pun present for you!)
Dances are harmless, and the benefits a Young Man who is "forced to go" gains far outstrips the "dislike", plus, you're totally ignoring a very valuable life lesson: sometimes we have to do things we don't like because they're the right thing to do - it's not always about "feeling good".
A Good Guy asking a Girl to Dance doesn't have to be a pitty move - it's all in the attitude.
As far as perceptive, with respect I'm going to weigh in on the side of you not perceiving 14 year old boys as well as you think.
Beyond that I agree with you that not every Church Dance is great, but again, is that really a reason to be "inactive" when it comes to Dances? Should we not go to other Church Meetings because we've heard the speaker isn't very good?
I'll let you chew on that for a while.
- Bro Jo
N.T.
ReplyDeleteYou know how they say that after you make one bad choice, it's easy to make the next? It's the same with good choices, too! Maybe ask a couple of girls from your ward that you know, so it won't be as awkward, and then once you've got the hang of that, go ask girls you don't know. It really does suck to be a girl at a church dance not dancing. I'm quite comfortable asking other guys to dance, but boys rarely ask me. Trust me- it gets easier with time. Know what you want to talk to her about before you go to ask her to dance. There's nothing worse than having to force conversation with your partner during the dance. And when you're the guy getting around to all the girls and asking them to dance, they'll all respect you for it and think of you as one of the 'good guys'.