High Anxiety

Dear Bro Jo-

I am a 25 year old guy and RM that has a unique experience with dating. For one, I hadn't dated until after my mission due to a variety of reason. My personally type is somewhat shy and timid. I have struggled with anxiety and depression a majority of my teen years and even up to now. I understand that it's just something that I have to deal with. Trust me when I say that I have had counseling and medication to help out on that part.

The main problem that I have had with the experience in dating is that of panic attacks. It just awkward to deal with alone and has caused a lack of dating to begin with. I realize that high anxiety and a low skill level in dating sets me up for a disaster every time. The few dates I have been on make it hard because I realize you don't want to turn it into a therapy session; not to fun on the first date for the girl.

So, trying to face up to the fear and approach it with great respect to the girl, I make sure that I call her to ask her out. It seems that no one likes answering their phone which leaves me a better choice of leaving a message. This way gives me a chance to prepare for the answer since I am pretty stressed out about just calling. The answers have always been that they're busy but would "love" to go out another time. The girls have all been from my ward, so I think I have the reputation of being a way nice guy. Any answer, good or bad will set me off.

A downfall that is on my part is that I rarely show the symptoms of panic attacks or anxiety to others. It comes as a great shock to people when I tell them that I am really having panic attacks about dating (usually to the girl I am approaching to go on a date with.) I know that I either scare them or they just don't know what to do. So... my question is: when is it a good time to approach the subject? If I don't tell them at some point, the stress makes it hard to be around them. The bad (but for good learning) experiences have ended with them saying they just wanted to be friends or receive no contact at all. I have taken a break from dating for a while, yet really want . . . I hate letting this get the best of me.

Thanks for your time-

_guy that needs a better plan


Dear Guy,

I think you need to broach the subject in the beginning.

If your panic attacks are real (and it sounds like they are – and you’ve been smart seeking counseling and other help), then you need to treat this issue no different than if you were a type-one diabetic (or had any other serious medical challenge) – how awkward for your date if you started to go into insulin shock and had a seizure right there at dinner because you were worried that telling her about your diabetes and your inability to eat sweets would offend her because she brought treats to the picnic . . .

So you mention it up front. Per haps you could practice this one girl at a time in a “not yet asking her out” scenario. Pick a Good Sister at Church who you think is kind (WAY more important than her being “hot”) and find an opportunity to chat with her. Not a date; just two people getting to know each other better. Heck you can do this on the Sofa in the Foyer. When the time is right, confide in her. Should be easier, you’re not asking her for a date here, just a friendly person to talk to. Be Honest; Be Sincere; Be Grateful.

That might be a first step: getting to know the girls around you well enough so that when you finally ask them to go out it’s more a natural extension of your relationship than a Huge First Date.

But the bottom line is, if there’s a possibility of you having a major attack while on the date, you need to tell the girl in advance and prep her for what she may need to do to help, even if it’s just to give you a little space.

Like any treatable condition, you need to be diligent in taking care of your self, and it sounds like you’re doing a good job recognizing the Trigger Elements (like phone calls).

Heck, Guy, you could even use it as an Opening Line: “Hey, I need to talk to you. Now please don’t freak out, but I have a real problem with panic attacks. I’m serious! In fact, right now just talking to you is a challenge. You’re such a wonderful girl, I’d love to take you out on a date, but I’m worried that my situation will freak you out . . . do you have any suggestions?”

See, now you’re asking her for help (Everyone Needs to Be Needed), getting it out in the open, and may even get a date out of it!

You could possibly even set a goal of telling five girls in one week. You’re not asking anyone out here, just making new friends. As you get to know them better, then who knows? For now, it’s just one Baby Step at a time, Bob.

You’re right: most girls aren’t going to be willing to give a relationship a real shot. They’ll be afraid, and that will freak them out, but don’t let that stop you from continuing to try. You just need to accept that as a sad reality; even better: look at it as a Testimony Building Challenge.

Eventually you’ll find someone who will love and care for you, who will be willing to help you. Of course, that means that you’ll need to be a Good Enough Man that you’re willing to accept her with her challenges, too; willing to accept that she’s not perfect either. But you won’t find that person at all if you don’t endure; if you don’t continue dating.

I don’t know why these attacks are happening to you, but don’t let them get the best of you.

And you’re not alone. Seriously, which man among us doesn’t feel anxiety around girls? (Only those that either: a) lie; or b) have never been around Those Kind of Women.) There’s an awful lot about them that’s Exciting . . .

I still label very beautiful women as “Lose Your Breath Pretty”. I’m old enough now that it’s very rare that a woman other than my wife can elicit that reaction from me, but all guys know exactly what I’m talking about: you look at this girl, in person, and you literally can’t breathe, let alone speak . . .

Yes, Sisters, that’s no guarantee that she’s bright, or worthy, or even a good person, blah-blah-blah . . . but she might be stunning and all that too. Put your claws back in, I’m simply acknowledging that we can all have our own little anxiety attacks (yeah, don’t deny it, you get that way about some boys, too) around certain people. To this day, after being together for 20 years, my wife can still take my breath away . . .

So, not to trivialize your very real situation, Guy, but we’re all with you.

Never give up, never surrender!

- Bro Jo