To Dance or Not To Dance

Dear Bro Jo,

I have a question/concern I'd like to ask.

I've read what you have to say about guys asking girls to dance at church dances, and I love it. I wish every guy at my stake dances was being required by his parents to dance every slow dance, too. Unfortunately, it isn't so.

It's very frustrating to go to youth dances. I have fun at them anyway, because after waiting for guys to ask me to dance alllllll the time since I was 14 (I am now 17 and have only maybe 2 or 3 more youth dances left), I now just have fun with my girl friends during the fast songs. But during slow songs, I am so tired of asking the guys to dance.

The last couple of youth dances I've been experimenting and seeing how many slow songs it took before a guy asked me to dance. The last dance it was 2 slow songs before a guy even approached me. Of course, the guy who approached me, it was his first ever dance, barely 14, 8th grader, and I'm just about ready to graduate. Not saying we didn't have fun, but the point being, absolutely NONE of the guys my age were asking girls to dance. And it's been like that for a very long time. (also, side note, I do try to look nice at these dances and have a positive attitude so I don't seem like a grumpy, unattractive sour-puss.)

Now, my parents and some leaders disagree with me on this. You might, too. At many of the dances, people bring card games and sit in a corner of the dance room. It bothers me because it's called a "dance", not a "sit-on-the-floor-and-play-cards". Sure, they're socializing (kind of), and I've even joined in to play with them because I was tired of being one of the only ones out on the dance floor. Though it was kind of boring, because nobody talked much.

At a dance, playing cards is not exactly the way I feel is appropriate to socialize. Youth disagree with me because they say "but it's fun!"

My leaders disagree with me being frustrated by this because they say "well, some people don't feel comfortable dancing, and if that's how they want to socialize, then that's how then can do it." That solution really doesn't solve anything, I think.

And if the guy isn't refusing to dance, he's already got a "girlfriend", or the girl he flirts with all the time, but they're "not really dating, wink-wink, they're just extremely flirtatious and good looking" and he always dances with her.

Nobody else. Nope. Their hands are like, glued together. And there's more than 1 couple like that at most dances. I wouldn't want to break them up (and honestly, if he's so attached to the one girl, I wouldn't want to dance with him and have him be staring over my shoulder at her the whole time), plus I don't really care for them much anyway, but some variety would be nice.
Girls who sit next to the boys and just stare/talk don't help much, either.

Honestly, if I wanted to sit down and talk with a big group of people, we'd get together and hang out someplace. But at a dance-am I alone in thinking you should get up and dance? (If it's a serious matter of being embarrassed to dance, I used to be, too. I say, just get up and do it. You might think you look like an idiot, but honestly, EVERYBODY does. That's what makes it fun! And a good workout.)

What do you suggest I do? I honestly don't think there's anything I can do alone, I can't force the guy to actually want to dance. I do often ask them to come dance with me in the slow dances, but once it's done, they go back to sitting and staring at the wall.

And I'm tired of it. I'm the female youth rep of my ward. (The male youth rep is one of the leading people who sits down and doesn't dance.) We have a stake youth rep meeting coming up before a dance here in a couple of weeks. Do you have any suggestions that I could bring up at our meeting? (I might not be able to make the meeting due to conflicting schedules, but I can at least write a note to a Sister in my ward who directs these meetings who agrees with my concerns about the lack of dancing.)

Also, from your own experience, do you know if YSA dances tend to be any different from youth dances? I'll be staying in my ward for college (father works at local college, free tuition, can't pass that up), and I have an older sister in the YSA, but she has a boyfriend, so when they go to dances, they're together. I think they dance with other people, but mostly they're together. I guess it's probably different from stake to stake, but just wondering if there might actually be an over-all difference, like Primary vs. YM/YW.

Thanks, I know it's a lot of questions,

Dancing Solo


Dear Dancing,

First of all, unless it’s a girl-ask-guy Dance or Song, you shouldn’t be asking guys to dance; that’s like being frustrated that your kid won’t clean their room but continuing to pick up their stuff and make their bed! Why should guys learn that you deserve to be asked if you’re going to give in and do the work for them?

(Sisters, this same concept applies to letting YSA Guys “Hang Out” at your apartment instead of teaching them that you deserve to be dated)

I’m proud of that Young 8th Grade Man – well done! I hope everyone realizes the Courage and Class it takes to cross a room and ask a girl to dance, especially one that’s a lot older; and even more, one that so desperately wants to dance; and more still, when all the other boys in the room (including the older ones who are SUPPOSED to be setting the example) are too afraid of girls to dance. . .

That’s called “LEADERSHIP” fellas!

Church Dances are a GREAT way to teach very valuable social skills. Asking a Girl to Dance is training for Asking a Girl Out, which is training for Asking a Girl to Marry You.

Your leaders are right, not everyone is ready for that level of socialization. That said, I think kids get sold short. There is such a thing as “positive peer pressure” (A Seminary Teacher recently shared with me that at a local S-Days kids from one area were “pressuring” each other during the Testimony meeting. One young man gave in to this pressure with very positive results).

Kids everywhere say they “don’t like to dance”, but what they mean is that they’re AFRAID of the OPPOSITE SEX. Parents and Leaders - Mark my words: if you fail to teach youth these important social skills now you will end up with a bunch of un-married 30-year-olds hanging out in your basement.

Young Men have got to learn that Girls are not Evil; they’ve got to learn how to overcome their fears and go up to a girl and talk to her; they’ve got to learn that it’s GOOD to take a girl by the hand, lead her to the dance floor, and that it’s OK to hold her left hand in your right and rest her right arm on your left.

I’m not kidding when I tell you that I REQUIRE ALL YOUNG MEN that ride to Church Dances in my big 12 passenger van that if they want a ride home they Must Dance Every Slow Dance with a Girl.

You know what? No matter how scared they are or how much they complain or protest, what they’re hoping for is that someone will help them have a reason to cross from “it’s not cool to admit you like girls” and “mom said all girls are evil” to “Girls are Cool! That was a lot of Fun!”

If it takes them blaming Bro Jo for making ‘em dance those first few songs, I’m fine with that. By the end of the dance they’re different men. They’re confident, they’re talking about girls. They’re assessing the types of girls they like and don’t like. All of this is GOOD.

Going to a Church Dance for a 14 year old boy is like a Mormon Bar mitzvah – they go in as boys and come out as men . . .

If kids want a game night, have a game night! (We're having one in our Ward for a Combined YM/YW activity in April - the idea of our Teacher's Quorum Presidency - there will be LOTS of FOOD!)

Maybe yours is just not a Dancing Stake . . . that’s what I’d start with in your next meeting - addressing whether or not you guys should even have dances if most kids don't want to dance and no one is encouraging dancing . . .

I do think that “Game Night” and “Stake YM/YW Dance” should be separate activities, preferably on separate nights, but at the very least in separate rooms.

As far as what you can do to encourage boys (and girls, let’s be honest: there are YW that vanish during slow songs too) to dance, here are some thoughts:

1. Modified Dance Cards. Small cards you can pick up at the beginning of the dance. Dance a slow song, get your dance partner to sign it, take your full card to the snack bar and redeem for treats. No full card, no candy (or whatever). I also like the “old fashioned” rule that says that a different name must be on each line of the card, and that you must fill at least one card before you can dance with the same person twice.

2. Have Learn-to-Dance Activities. We recently had a Combined YM/YW Activity where our YW brought in a professional dance instructor (who came in as a service – and maybe a bit of advertising). Yes, some boys refused to enter the gym, but those that came in had a wonderful time, and their confidence as dancers increased. I hope we do it again VERY soon.

3. Create Other Social Situations. When my oldest son became the Teachers’ Quorum President he set up a Very Formal Etiquette Dinner. The evening started with an Etiquette Lesson from a very classy sister in our stake; and then each boy escorted a selected-for-him-at-random girl to take by the arm and lead into the dinner (in the room down the hall). Once in the room he was required to escort her to her assigned seat, hold out her chair, etc. The dinner itself was very formal, multi-course, and elegant. Our Ward afforded it by having food donated and prepared by various auxiliaries. The Bishopric were the waiters and gave 5-Star service. If the YM/YW become more comfortable with each other, perhaps they'll be more-likely to dance.

4. Make Dances Special and Unique. Consider Theme Dances – you know: all Big Band and Swing Music; all 80’s; consider bringing in a Live Band! Not just rock bands, but maybe the Jazz Band from a Local High School . . . or the community symphony . . .

(Notes for DJs and Music Committees: not all popular current music is foul and indecent; do your homework, learn the difference; play stuff that’s “easy to dance to”; play more slow songs; have specific girl-ask-guy songs; do that thing where each girl throws a shoe in the middle and guys have to dance with the girl who’s shoe they pick)


Readers, what are some of your suggestions for Dancing Solo? (Reply with your comments and ideas below)

As far as YSA Dances, it really varies as much by area as Stake Dances. Ask your sister; even though she has a boyfriend, she should be able to tell you what your future ward is like.

Now, there’s one more issue you brought up that needs to be addressed: the Boyfriend-Girlfriend thing at Dances. I know they’re a couple. You know they’re a couple. You can bet that your leaders and Bishopric know, too. I agree that they shouldn’t be a couple, and I understand why it bothers you, especially at dances, but there’s nothing you or I can do about it.

Well, there are some things. You can Lecture, Learn and Lead.

Lecture your friends (and later your children and the kids you have stewardship over) about what’s right and wrong (lecture may be too strong a word here – talk to them, but don’t be superior – I just liked the idea of having 3 “L” words)

Learn from what you see. Let it be a lesson to you about what you should and shouldn’t do.

Lead by example. Teach others. If you and the Other Laurels in your ward who want to dance can teach the New Teachers that it’s cool, you’ll be helping out the Future Laurels and Mia Maids . . . a lot!

Keep the Faith, and Keep Dancing!

- Bro Jo