Dear Bro Jo,
What're the guides or rules for singles dating over 40? Are they the same as when I was 20? In high school? I want to stay worthy and righteous and live a clean life...Temptation is out there and I want to avoid it.
Thanks,
Sam S.
Dear Sam,
Nope! Different rules, my friend!
There are reasons the Church separates Young Single Adults and Single Adults (typically around 30) – the needs and life experiences are vastly different than, oh say, 19 and 45.
Now within the Over 30 group we have several sub-groups:
• People Who Have Never Been Married and Are Looking. In principle they’re just like the Young Single Adults, just, well . . . older. For whatever reason things just haven’t worked out yet, sometimes by choice, sometimes by fear, and sometimes because it just hasn’t meant to be yet. The operative word here is that they’re “looking”, which in and of itself may be a change. Often it seems as though this group has the longest uphill battle to fight. They’re getting to the party late, and many of the best dancers have already found a partner; or at least that’s the perception.
• People Who’ve Been Married and are Looking Again. Typically older, often with kids to work into the mix, this is a tough group. Most are Divorced, some have had a spouse pass away; they just don’t want to be alone anymore, which is totally understandable. Because of their age and complex lives you’d think it would be difficult for them to find someone that meets their needs and criteria, but that seems to be offset by having been married before; it’s as if being previously married gives you the experience and confidence that you can do it again (even if This Time you’re going to find Someone Better).
• People Who Aren’t Looking. Some of these folks have “been there, done that” – in most “family wards” they sit on the back row – sealed to the only person they’ll ever marry, they wouldn’t think about getting married again, and there’s nothing wrong with that. The rest have resigned themselves to being single during this earthly existence and, beyond a certain age, who are we to argue with them? Maybe they’ll change their minds, and maybe they won’t, but their marital status should not preclude the Church from using this very talented pool of experienced members.
Your letter indicates that you’re in one of the first two groups. Either way the Rules ARE NOT the same as in High School, nor are they the same as they are for YSAs. No more Casual Dating for You! Time is short; Get Serious.
That Means “Date Everybody”, or at least all the Eligible Women you can. If she fits the Criteria:
• LDS, and willing to go to the Temple (not a recommend holder necessarily, but could be and wants to be)
• A Woman (no Girls, understand?)
• Single ("Separated" is not "Single" - be very careful here)
• Not Crazy (in the Clinical Sense - Wild and Crazy is OK)
Date her! At least twice (people can be nervous the first date, give it two or more before you write her off). Put your prejudices, quirks and "requirements" away; they're all Daughters of God, and all have something to offer.
You should have a date every weekend. No excuses.
Now I know the Temptations are out there. Like any other Single, don’t put yourself in bad situations. No bars, no late-night making out on the sofa, and stay in the front seat of the car.
Unlike Young Single Adults, you may want to try some Group Dating, but better than that I think Single Adults should be having Dinner Parties. Even number of Men and Women, if you can; 6-14 people; a great way to get to meet some new potential dates.
Like Young Single Adults, be the type of person you're looking for and focus on dating the type of person you are.
Unlike Young Single Adults, because the Dating Pool may be quite small, I say it’s OK to Date non-members so long as you stick to your standards of morality, keep yourself worthy, and pick a date that shows some interest in the Church. I don’t think I’d go on a third date with a non-member who wasn’t at least willing to go to Church with me every Sunday.
We joke (sort of) about the YSA “University Wards” being “meat markets”; I say “So what?”! Single Adult Conferences should be both Spiritually Uplifting and a Meat Market. Every Guy and Gal in attendance (and you should all go to all of them you can) should not be allowed to leave until everyone present has at least 5 dates set with 5 different people. Let’s stop ignoring the Elephant in the Room!
A parting thought: Dating takes on a special challenge if you have children, especially children still living at home.
Talk to them. Tell them how you feel. Tell them about not wanting to be alone. Ask them for understanding and help. This applies to any child old enough to greet your date at the door – that means over 2. Make sure your kids know they’re number one in your life, and take special care that you only get serious with someone that will love your children the way you do. Be sensitive to the challenge of your kids getting attached to someone you’re not as fond of as they are; if you’re going to break up, without giving them all the gory details, put the your kids in the loop.
Avoid temptation, Sam, but don’t stop dating until you’ve talked one into marriage.
- Bro Jo
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