I consider myself to be a somewhat mature person. I feel like I understand the pattern of how a relationship is built. I'm no expert, but I learn from past experience.
So today, after only dating a girl for a little while, she said to me "your really excited about how this relationship is going, right?" correct. "I really do love spending time with you and you make me feel so special... like a million bucks. I'm really comfortable around you and can’t find a reason not to like you, but i don't feel excited like you obviously do. You deserve someone who does; someone who feels like they want to see you everyday and run up to you and leap into your arms every time they see you".
After a while of talking it turned out that it really sounds like this is the exact way she was feeling. it didn't seem like there was anything else hidden.
I've been home off my mission for about 5 years now and she’s about the same age as me. We are both in good careers and everything else really just seemed like we were both ready for each other.
Being a guy, I naturally want to fix the broken things. Is there anyway that I can fix it? Anything I can do? This is one girl who I really feel is special and I'm not ready to just give up on this one.
I don't really understand this part of love. It’s not like we were that far into our relationship, but I thought we both wanted to get there eventually.
Thanks mate,
The Australian
Dear Australian,
G’day!
Five years post mission and you’re on the right track; it’s time to take a girl to the Temple and start a family.
You’ve invested time in someone you really thought was the right person, and she’s done her best to break-up with you in a nice way. I hate to say it, but I’ve been there, Brother. I’ve dated girls I thought were the right girl to marry, everything going along well, and then she’d end it.
I had one girl tell me that she didn’t think we should keep dating because in addition to the romantic stuff we were also “friends”. Well garbage! I thought that was the dimension that separated a standard issue girlfriend into possible wife territory! (and it is)
I don’t have a magic salve for how to “fix it”, I wish I did. At this point we don’t know what’s going on in her head. I’m sure you’re right, that she’s sincere in what she told you, but there’s likely something a bit more as well.
Does she like someone else?
Is she expecting a spark that just isn’t there for her?
Does she want you to fight for her a little?
Is this a test?
Is she expecting the clouds to part and a voice to rain down from on High, saying “THIS IS THE MAN THAT THOU SHALT MARRY; GET THEE NIGH UNTO THE TEMPLE WITH HIM!”?
I don’t know (but, and I hate to tell you this, the first one is the most likely, in which case you don’t need her, brother)
As I see it you’ve got two things you need do right now:
1. Get Out There and Date other People.
2. Let things Cool Off for two weeks and then talk to her.
For me it was just a couple dates after the “friend” lecture that I dated the future Sister Jo; and I need to tell you that, knowing what I know now, I’m So Very Glad that the other relationship didn’t work out. Mostly because Sister Jo is so incredible, but also because that other girl turned out to be so . . . well, let’s just politely say that I’m very glad she didn’t become the mother of my ankle biters.
That girl that gave me the brush off ended up catching me at University a few months later. I believe that having seen how well things were going in my new relationship she began to realize that she’d made a mistake. She more than hinted that she’d like to try dating again and I politely said “no”; one of the best decisions of my life.
Some times we need to separate a little to realize the value of what we’ve got. I’ll tell you something else: for about 1 week in the middle of dating Sister Jo and I “broke up”. We each went on one other date during that time, and each of our other dates was a total nightmare. The experience is part of what cemented our relationship for eternity.
That might happen here for you as well.
And it might not.
The uncertainty of why people act and feel and do the things they do in relationships is, I agree, the worst part.
Until you’re old and married; then it’s part of the reason you never want to let your spouse go, lest you have to deal with all that garbage again.
Hang in there. Get yourself another date (or two) this weekend, and keep and eye out for what this girl does.
Oh, and beware of One Thing: watch out for her trying to put you in the “Friend Zone”. She may try to string you along or hold you in reserve, as a back up, using this time to date other guys and using your desire to still be around her as an opportunity to have a “Guy Friend” that she can bounce her relationship foibles off of. Don’t get caught there!
If she tries to pull that garbage, either send her packing or tell her that you like spending time with her, and you’d be happy to take her out again, but you have no interest in being her “back-up buddy”.
She may pretend that she doesn’t know what you’re talking about, but deep down, she does.
Now, if you want to have her linger on your memory, send her some simple flowers today with a short note that says: “I really enjoyed dating you, sorry things didn’t work out, I’d love to go out again some time, if you change your mind, please let me know”.
If she doesn’t clue in to what a great guy you are at that point, there’s not too much else you can do.
I know you like this one, but the Next Girl may be a much better fit.
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