First I want to thank you for the wonderful advice I have found here.
I have been home off my mission for almost two years now, I have got a degree and purchased a home, and now I am now ready to find the special one.
However, I have found that everything about dating has changed. It seems I am stuck in this "high school dating for fun" routine and I do not know how to progress it any further.
I was hopping you would give some "Do's and Don'ts" and "What to do on a date" suggestion similar to the ones for pre-mission/high school articles you have already written, expect geared toward young single adults.
I have a few particular questions as well:
When do you get serious about a relationship?
What does getting serious even mean?
What are the different levels of a relationship as it progress toward marriage?
Thanks
-Little Baffled
Dear Baffled,
Happy to! (I’ll give it my best shot)
DO – Date One-on-One. You asked for it, now you’re old enough that it’s OK.
DON’T - Group Date. We have you do that when you’re kids for safety and morality reasons. You’re old enough to do the right thing; you need to get to know Her, not Her Friends.
DO – Go out Every Weekend. It’s like a Job, Bubba, you need to put in the hours if you expect to succeed. You don’t have to spend a lot of money, but you need to be out of the apartment.
(Seriously, if you’re reading this and you don’t have a date lined up for the next three weekends, stop right now and pick up the phone and make some dates. Don’t read another word until you’ve got something lined up. I mean it. Stop reading. I’ll still be here. Go. Go now.)
DON’T – “Hang Out”. Hanging out is for Losers. (OK, all you über sensitive readers can RELAX – I’m not saying you’re losers, just that “Hanging Out” is.) Sisters, if guys are hanging out at your place, tell them to take you to dinner or GO THE HECK HOME!
DO – Get over your Fears and Meet New People. Names, phone numbers, email addresses, and a little bit about them.
DON’T - ever go to a YSA (or SA) Conference without meeting some potential new dates (unless you’re there with a date). If you do, you’ve wasted your time (OK, again, RELAX – yes, you’ll be Spiritually Fed by the Experience, but if you don’t work towards finding someone you’ll be very full and alone).
DO – go to every Church function you can. Conferences, Sacrament Meetings (no rule that says you can only go to one service per Sunday), Dances, Mixers, Meetings, Institute Classes . . . all of it.
DON’T – sit at home thinking Mr. or Miss Right is going to come to you. You’ve got to get out there.
DON’T – answer your cell phone or text anyone while on the date. You shouldn’t even take your technology with you. Seriously, what could you possibly need this stuff for? It’s rude and distracting. You’re out on a Date with a Person, not a machine.
DO – everything you can to be the type of person the Opposite Sex is going to like. Study Hard, Pray Fervently, Read Religiously, Eat Right and Work Out. Be Happy and Be Fun,
DO – go to the Temple, if you can. You’ll need all the inspiration you can get.
DON’T – use the Temple as a Date, until after you’re married. Then Dates to the Temple are AWESOME!
DO – Continue to Better Yourself. Education, Job Training, something to improve your station in life.
DON’T – be involved with Pornography. It will mess up your mind and distort your perceptions of Love and Sex. If you’re addicted now, and statistically many of you are, get to the Bishop right away.
DO – be clean. In Mind, in Body, and in Spirit.
And . . . .
Especially if you’re in college, your funds can be pretty limited. Here’s a short list of:
Bro Jo’s WHAT YSAs CAN DO on DATES
(Dates That are Cheap to Free, without being a Cheapskate)
· Outdoor Video Party – Rent a Movie, bring the Laptop, run an Extension Chord - remember that Old Movies rent for less and many can be found for free at Libraries (or borrowed from friends)
· Walks, Hikes, and Bike Rides
· Go to an Event – I like Movies, but you can also go to Sporting Events (college students get in to their school sports events CHEAP), concerts (many are Free in the Park in the Summer), and Community Festivals (don’t think every date has to be after dark)
· Food – always a Top Choice. Picnics are great!
· Play a game. Board Games (Sister Jo and I used to play Chess, a lot), Catch, Tennis, Handball – the key is to Get Out – so change the location. Try Monopoly in the Library!
· Go to a place. Take a drive, roller blade, etc. (Sister Jo and I went on LOT'S of Drives)
· Museums,
· Check out a Kids’ Event. One of the Best Dates Sister Jo and I had was when we went to a Pee-wee Hockey Game. It was free to get in and it got us talking about kids and parenting . . . Middle School kids sports and plays and concerts are often free to attend, and tons of fun. Plus, when you get married and have lots of kids, trust me, you’re going to be going to a lot of that stuff.
· Fly a kite.
· Do some Service. You may not think asking a girl to help you mow an elderly neighbor’s yard is romantic, but there’s something that can happen when we work together to help others. Go for Ice-cream or a Slushy afterwards. Want to find out what this person will be like with kids? Babysit for a Young Couple that has little children. Do it for free and learn a ton.
There’s more, but you get the basic idea.
As to your questions . . .
The time to start getting serious about dating is when your ready for marriage. For girls that should be sometime shortly after graduating High School, and for boys it should be a couple days after the Stake President Releases you as a Missionary. Now I realize that formula doesn’t work for everyone, but that’s my general guideline.
If your question is more an issue of “at what point does a relationship BECOME serious”, that’s a touch different. To answer that, let’s tackle the 2nd at the same time.
“Serious” to my mind means “Exclusive and Progressing forward towards Marriage”.
Does that explain why I don’t advocate “Serious Dating” in High School?
So many of you Young People think that you can be “Exclusive” without “Progressing Towards Marriage”, hoping to “take it slow”, or somehow “put the breaks on” or Put a Bookmark in the relationship.
Once a couple is “exclusive”, by definition the relationship moves, even if very slowly. The couple either moves closer together, or moves further apart – sometimes back and forth, closer, then farther, then closer, then farther – no relationship plateaus for very long. That’s also a reflection of what marriage is like. Sister Jo and I are Best Friends, but that doesn’t mean that we always agree or get a long. We support each other and present a United Front to the Jo Kids, but sometimes much debate is involved; and sometimes either (or both) if us needs a little space.
“Serious” means that you’re Boyfriend and Girlfriend. It means you’re not going out with anyone else and neither is she.
Some people elevate a relationship to Serious Status with a conversation. You both discuss that neither of you has any interest in dating anyone else, or at the very least confess that neither of you IS dating anyone else. In a lot of places a guy actually asks a girl to be the Girlfriend (and, yes, I’ve heard that this goes both ways). Mostly the Boyfriend-Girlfriend conversation happens with kids under 18.
(I only ever actually asked 2 girls to commit to a serious relationship: Maria my 5th grade girlfriend – for about a week – who I asked to “Go with Me” – that’s what we called it, which was very lame because we weren’t actually “going” anywhere; and the Future Sister Jo – that was a Marriage Proposal)
For many the “Serious” status is just implied. You’re together so gosh darn much they couldn’t possibly be seeing anyone else (or so you think – been burned by that assumption once or twice myself).
I don’t think you have to say “will you be my Girlfriend”, but I don’t think you should assume, either. Be a Man: have the discussion. “Hey, I really like spending time with you. I want you to know that I’m not seeing anyone else”.
And you don’t. It’s just her until either you break it off, she breaks it off (which requires another discussion) or you’re in the Temple and making some Serious Covenants. You break those and, well buddy . . . you’re on your own. I award you no points, and may God have Mercy on Your Soul.
I don’t know that I’ve ever tackled your last question, so what you’re about to read may have to be considered a Work in Progress.
1) The Introduction – Boy Meets Girl
2) The Get to Know You Better Conversation(s) – Chatting and Flirting to gage interest
3) The 1st Date – And so it begins – Good Luck, Chuck!
The time from 1-13 is going to vary greatly, but my personal recommendation is that from 11-13 take 3 months or less.
Readers, what do you think?
- Bro Jo
PS : Readers don’t get caught thinking that you have to complete your degree, get the career going and buy a home before you go looking for a spouse. You may miss out on a lot of great potential spouses if you put off marriage for worldly pursuits. That's not just Bro Jo, that's the Prophets talking.
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