Facing the Fear

Dear Bro Jo,

Hey Brother Johnston!

I've really enjoyed your column and get a kick out of some of your advice.

Some events in my personal life (a breakup in particular) have got me thinking of late, and I was curious for your take.

In talking to my brother, I realized that a number of our friends were in relationships, some even engaged (!), but what was keeping them there was fear - fear that if they let this one go they'll never find love again. I know I've been guilty of thinking that on occasion, so how does one develop enough faith and strength of character to walk away from a relationship when the only thing holding you there is fear?

In that same vein, when you're married to someone, the two of you need to put a lot of effort in working through any struggles that come up in your relationship, but when you're dating, you're not bound to the same commitment, so how do you figure out which issues are worth working through in a dating relationship, and which ones are show stoppers (i.e. time to break up and move on)?

My third question is for your advice on how to handle a breakup without going to pieces - when you start dating looking for an eternal keeper, the landing, when it comes apart, can be hard.

What's helped me through this last bit having a brother I can call, lots of prayer and scripture study, and a quote by President Benson - "When we put God first in our lives, all things will fall into their proper place in our lives, or out of it." - easy words to live by when life is going your way, but more trying when the Lord has another plan, so I've discovered.

Thanks in advance,

- Single and Looking Again


Dear Again,

I think a little Fear of Loneliness is a Very Good Thing. Too many men and women in this Day and Age think that it’s “easier” to abandon spouse and family than to work through the problems inherit in any marriage. They have no fear of the consequences of their actions, their self-absorption blocking out the appropriate fear.

Too many LDS Singles sit around forever, not dating at all, waiting for Mr. or Miss Perfect to knock unsolicited on their door. They envision throwing the door open to find a light shining down upon this Adonis or Aphrodite, who magically will be blessed with both beautiful eyes and the ability to overlook their slovenly, unproductive, non-goal lifestyle. A voice will speak to them from above and declare:

“This is the Spouse that I have sent unto you. Get thee nigh unto the Temple!”

Until then they’ll sit blissfully un-afraid enjoying their Virtual Lives, clinging to their cell phone umbilical cords, waiting for the next all-important, non-substantive Text Message.

But I digress . . .

It is possible, you know, that what you and your brother are observing is more than just a little tainted by your own perspective. What you ascertain to be fear of loneliness may in fact be an expression of love and gratitude. Sister Jo and I were Sealed for Time and All Eternity in the Salt Lake Temple; should she pass from this existence to the net before me I will take comfort in the knowledge that our separation will only be temporary, and in the grand scheme of the eternities be but the blink of an eye. Still, I will miss her greatly, and I fear the loneliness of those moments. It’s partially out of that love and fear that I work so hard to honor and protect her.

(OK, I know that’s not the lecture you were looking for, but it needed to be done.)


I don’t think I’d describe walking away from a relationship as an act of faith or strength of character; typically it’s quite the opposite: it takes faith and strength of character to stick around when times are tough, when everything isn’t Dancing Trees and Singing Flowers.

Frankly, I don’t think either of you has the slightest concept or understanding of “fear”. Heroes aren’t unafraid, they charge in despite their fears. It’s the wise man that understands fear and the brave man that proceeds anyway.

When you’re dating, Serious Dating as a YSA, you DO have a responsibility to work through the difficulties. If you just can’t get along, if there’s no spark there at all, then yeah, I agree, move on.

Let me reprint here a list that I wrote previously.

(This is the link to it on the Dear Bro Jo Facebook Notes Page)

Bro Jo’s "FIVE A'S OF WHY TO NOT GET MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE"

Abuse. We don't recite the Traditional Vows in the LDS Church, but in most wedding ceremonies the bride and groom vow to Cherish each other. Some abusers mask this tendency until after marriage, but most will give you the signs early on. Are they physically aggressive? Do they use insulting language and think putting-down their friends is fun? Are they bossy and demanding all (or even "most") of the time? Do they flip out when confronted? And, perhaps most importantly, do they scare you?

Absolutism. Are they NEVER wrong? Confidence is attractive; we seek out those that are self-assured, and if a self-assured person tells us we're handsome or beautiful, we love them even more! But there's a line here of dangerous extremism. Both people in a marriage are going to make mistakes; you may not want someone who's wishy-washy Charlie Brown, but marriage is an act of compromise; you don't want to spend the next 50 years (not to mention Eternity) with someone who sees themselves as above reproach and apology. Marriage means saying you're sorry, even if you're not, or not sure why, if simply for no other reason than the fact that you love your spouse and want them to be happy. Smooching is good, but stay away from someone who lectures you all the time because their opinion is so much more valuable then yours because it's the talking, not the smooching, that will get you through some of life's biggest turmoils.

Addiction. Chemical, emotional, genetic or psychological, Addiction is a character flaw. It doesn't matter if it's pornography or alcohol or drugs or gambling or adrenaline, whatever the addiction, at some point the addict is going to place it ahead of you. Now, people can recover from and overcome addictions and make fabulous spouses, but that needs to happen BEFORE you get married. If you're willing to wait for the addict to conquer their demons, good for you, but if you're not seeing serious commitment and progress it's time to date someone else. You need to know that addictions never go entirely away; that's why we say addicts are "recovering" not "recovered" - it's an on-going process - but if a decent amount of time (and by that I mean months, plural, not days) has gone by without the behavior, and true repentance has been a part of that process, then you can move forward.

Anger. One of my good friends says that he proposed because the girl he was dating always seemed happy and he wanted someone with that kind of positive outlook in his life every day. I'm grateful my wife wasn't looking for someone that was Anger-free, but that's not the same as Angry-all-the-time. Watch out for that. And watch how they deal with things that are stressful and upsetting. Do they shut down? Do they totally explode? Does the anger hit the atmosphere and then calmly dissipate or does it fester and stir for days waiting for the moment of retribution? We all get upset (beware the person who seems NEVER angry), how we deal with that needs to be evaluated by a potential spouse. If you can't deal with their anger (and especially if they can't either), move on.

Apathy. I think this one, while it sounds benign, is just as bad as everything else on the list. Won't get a job, won't do their homework, won't work hard at anything . . . it's a recipe for disaster. One of the most valuable things spouses can do for each other is to encourage them in good things. Where would I be if my wife didn't support and sustain my efforts to work and to coach and to write? Even the most motivating person will accomplish nothing with someone who's totally lacking in self-motivation. Depression is real, and during the course of any marriage bad stuff is going to happen. It's OK to be sad, and miserable and depressed once in a while, but the person that's Apathetic is already pretty close to Pathetic, and this is one of those things that has to change from inside.


All of those of course apply as valid reasons why you should Break Up and Move On as well.

And, for the purposes of your letter, let me add a new list:

Bro Jo’s “HONEST AND ACCEPTABLE REASONS TO STOP SERIOUSLY DATING SOMEONE” (Not to be used as Grounds for Divorce)

Non-Attraction. It’s just not there. You have no desire to kiss this person, ever. Or . . . ever again.

No Common Interests. Or at least, not enough. You don’t like doing things with this person, you don’t want to talk about what they want to talk about, you’re just not excited to see them.

Family Conflict. You just can’t picture yourself hanging out with these people for an entire holiday. They drive you crazy. You can’t find anything of value there (which, by the way, is more your fault than theirs).

No Shared Goals. He wants to live in the desert, she hates the heat. She wants eight kids, he refuses to have more than one. The problem with Two Ships that Pass in the Night is that they’re headed in opposite directions. You need someone who sees themselves on the same path you are.

Different Lifestyles. She likes it quiet at home, he plays loud music all the time. He likes home cooking, she only eats at restaurants. If you can’t see yourself cohabitating, don’t head towards living in the same home.

Dreams of Change. If you’re in this relationship thinking it would be perfect if they changed a few things about themselves, shed the delusions and get out.

All Physical. He’s Ruggedly Handsome. She’s got a Smokin’ Body. It ain’t enough. That stuff goes away, kids. If that’s all you can see in them, you’re done. He’s not going to be that Rugged when he sits behind a desk 50 hours a week, and that smoke will dissipate once she bares a couple of children. If you can’t get over that, you don’t deserve each other.

(I’ll add this list to the Notes Page as well.)

Regarding handling bad breakups: there IS no cure all. You’re wise to be talking to your brother (even though I gave you both a tough time about “fear”) and to be turning to the Lord in all things, especially times of trouble. If we work on building our Testimonies when times are good, we’ll be stronger to endure the difficult times.


No one’s gone through tougher Girlfriend breakups than I have.

(Most of us feel that way, right?)


I had one girl dump me twice in 12 hours.

One broke up by bringing her little brother on our anniversary date.

Another ended it because I was “too nice”.

Here’s one: I had a break up because when I told her I loved her she called me a liar.

There’s more, but you get the idea.


The joy is worth the ache.

It may not feel like it now, but it will when you finally get the right girl.

Let me share with you something that a fellow reader sent to me:

“Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.”

- Bro Jo