I recently discovered your blog and I think it’s a wonderful idea - so I want to address you with a question that has been on my mind.
I am a 25 year old Australian female and I have a lovely life. I have a job that I love, live in a nice apartment with a great flatmate who is also a member. I have a great calling in YW - life is good.
I'm not married and herein lies the potential problem. I am very OK with that. So OK that I verge on the edge of not wanting to be married and spoil my lovely life. I am not anti-marriage - I can see the blessings and the benefits and I feel true happiness for those that have those blessings, but I am also not feeling the need to seek those blessings out for myself and worry that I close my heart to the possibilities. There are not a large number of dating possibilities where I live and I find myself relieved sometimes that this is the case.
For the longest time I considered that I had a good attitude. I have known far too many friends be "desperate" to be married and have seen many hastily marry for the heck of it - motivated by sheer obsession with a ring and a white dress. I am happy that I am not one of those women. However I am starting to worry that my attitude is also not good, albeit in a different way.
My question Bro Jo: How do I remain balanced and happy, without tipping over one way or the other. How do I keep myself open to any blessings the Lord may want for me regarding marriage, whilst not letting myself become obsessed with the topic, or closing my self off from topic?
Thank you,
Happy but confused.
(Please withhold my name and email).
Dear Happy,
A couple clarifying questions if I may:
1) When guys ask you out, do you go?
2) While you're not looking, do you put yourself in situations where you can meet eligible, worthy LDS men?
3) Is there something (or multiple things) that scare you about marriage?
- Bro Jo
Dear Bro Jo,
1) Yes I go
2) I attend church and fulfill my callings, but in terms of "extra-curricula" church activities. I don't think that I put myself in enough situations - Being generally happy with my situation I lack the motivation to push myself onto the singles scene - It is this bit where I wonder if I am not being open.
3) Marriage is so final, so... forever. I do worry about waking up one day and wondering why I gave up my nice single life. On the other hand I have great examples of marriage around me, parents, some friends. But I can't imagine being married I guess.
I don't know if it makes a difference to your second question but I used to make quite and effort. I was the Institute VP for 3 years and was at every activity - organizing them half the time. When I was released I found it exhausting to keep up the effort - I was lacking the motivation.
- Happy
Dear Happy,
Do you fear having children?
- Bro Jo
Dear Bro Jo,
Hi,
Sorry about the delay, life gets busy.
In response to your question: Nope. Kids are great. I'm a teacher so they're already my world.
I guess I want to make sure that if I do never marry (a thought I'm growing comfortable with) that its through no fault of my own. Or perhaps I need a major attitude adjustment. Either way feel free to call it as you see it - I'm made of tough stuff.
- Happy
Dear Happy,
I think you “can’t imagine being married” because you haven’t met the right guy . . . yet.
And that’s totally normal.
I think you also have some fears that haven’t quite come to the surface yet. For some who feel as you do it’s the fear of parenthood (which is why I asked); for many it’s the fear of rejection. Sisters often feel that they have no control over who will ask them out, let alone who will propose, so they decide that they don’t care because THAT they have control over.
Some Sisters even go so far as to ensure that they’re undesirable by their dress, speech, attitude, inactivity, etc; again, things they can control. You’ll hear them say “if he doesn’t like me for who I am then I don’t want him”. Now on many levels I agree with that sentiment, but it can also be pretty juvenile. And inaccurate. You think you have control by choosing to, oh say, dress like a “rebel”, but you’re still allowing the opinions of others (real or perceived) to control your life. Be yourself, yes, but be the “Best You” you can be.
And, for the record, guys do it too. Many “University” wards are filled with guys whose irrational fears of Dating and Marriage manifest themselves as un-desirable, un-marry-able traits.
The truth is that the Gift of Being a Woman gives you Great Power over men; a girl need not be Super-model pretty to get guys to do what she wants. She simply needs to learn how to speak to guys.
(Side note - In his younger years, long, long ago, Bro Jo dated a few models – true story – and he wants you readers to know two things: 1) what you see in magazines and on screen is NOT REAL, and 2) Pretty is Great, but it ain’t enough)
Give it time. Keep dating. Stay active but also start attending singles functions. Go just to meet like-standard individuals. Be open to the possibilities of new relationships. While you may not be able to picture yourself married, I doubt you want to picture a life alone or a life without children. If that’s God’s will for you, then that’s God’s will; but if Heavenly Father gives you opportunities for a good marriage and mother hood, take ‘em.
You can take the road less traveled, but you don’t want to look back 20 years from now and regret never having taken any steps down any road at all.
And that’s totally normal.
I think you also have some fears that haven’t quite come to the surface yet. For some who feel as you do it’s the fear of parenthood (which is why I asked); for many it’s the fear of rejection. Sisters often feel that they have no control over who will ask them out, let alone who will propose, so they decide that they don’t care because THAT they have control over.
Some Sisters even go so far as to ensure that they’re undesirable by their dress, speech, attitude, inactivity, etc; again, things they can control. You’ll hear them say “if he doesn’t like me for who I am then I don’t want him”. Now on many levels I agree with that sentiment, but it can also be pretty juvenile. And inaccurate. You think you have control by choosing to, oh say, dress like a “rebel”, but you’re still allowing the opinions of others (real or perceived) to control your life. Be yourself, yes, but be the “Best You” you can be.
And, for the record, guys do it too. Many “University” wards are filled with guys whose irrational fears of Dating and Marriage manifest themselves as un-desirable, un-marry-able traits.
The truth is that the Gift of Being a Woman gives you Great Power over men; a girl need not be Super-model pretty to get guys to do what she wants. She simply needs to learn how to speak to guys.
(Side note - In his younger years, long, long ago, Bro Jo dated a few models – true story – and he wants you readers to know two things: 1) what you see in magazines and on screen is NOT REAL, and 2) Pretty is Great, but it ain’t enough)
Give it time. Keep dating. Stay active but also start attending singles functions. Go just to meet like-standard individuals. Be open to the possibilities of new relationships. While you may not be able to picture yourself married, I doubt you want to picture a life alone or a life without children. If that’s God’s will for you, then that’s God’s will; but if Heavenly Father gives you opportunities for a good marriage and mother hood, take ‘em.
You can take the road less traveled, but you don’t want to look back 20 years from now and regret never having taken any steps down any road at all.
When you meet the right person, you wont' feel like you're giving up Anything. There's no way I'd want to go back and be single. I'm grateful that my marriage is Eternal.
- Bro Jo
- Bro Jo
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