(Yeah it's my "I was 12 when I got this email address"-address because I really don't want it to be too obvious who I am, although I'm fairly sure you'll be able to figure it out if you wanted to.)
I love your column and I value your opinion, that’s the reason I write this letter. I understand that by the time you finish reading my letter you’ll probably be mad at me…seriously…but that’s fine, because I honestly want your opinion. I’m not looking for you to agree or disagree because it fits my own purposes but just, bring me your honest opinion. I have read several letter where you have disagreed with the person writing the letter and you have always been very respectful, that’s why I dare writing you about this issue of mine.
I’m a convert (early fall -08) and non-American and I just don’t get why you keep saying that boys and girl can’t be friends, let alone best friends. Here’s my story. I love helping out the missionaries that come to my area. I’m a girl and so far all the missionaries have been boys. I’m in my mid 20s. One missionary was here for 6 months and became my best friend. We can call him 1. We talk about everything, share everything, hopes, dreams, fears you name it. We can laugh until we cry and often we know what the other one’s thinking without having to say it or we make the same comments or on occasions finish each others sentences. We’ve even discussed doing a trip together in the States when he gets off his mission. (He’s American)
I’ve made place is sort of a resting place for the missionaries when they’re done with their missionary duties and need a friendly face or have had a bad day and need to vent. (I’m the milk and cookies kind of a girl). If they come over, they bring a spiritual message. I make the occasional dinner, fix hems on their pants stuff like that. DON’T get me wrong! My only aim is to keep the missionaries ON the right track, not take them off it! I help building up their self esteem when they’re feeling down.
I help them with ideas for teachings and such. I do not make “indecent proposals”. I love this guy, but as my very best friend! He loves me too, as his very best friend. He always introduces me as "This is ____, my bestest friend in the entire world"!
We’ve been over this on numerous occasions, we are FRIENDS. We each have someone we have romantic feelings for. He’s got his girl back in the states and I totally support him and wants him to be able to date her when he goes back home.
I’ve got another missionary who I really like and want to date. We can call him 2. Missionary 1 really supports me and wants me to date missionary 2 after his mission is over. I know that missionary 2 likes me too and we have decided to talk about things after his mission because we both want him to focus on his mission and I support him and encourage him in that. (He’s on his last transfer.)
I really feel like that’s the right thing to do because I really would like to at least get a chance to date him when his mission is over. He knows that I and 1 are best friends and he’s also good friends with 1 so that is no problem. WHY is that an issue for others? (I’m guessing you belong in the “others” category). It’s been brought up on a couple of occasions that his dad (dad of missionary 1) does NOT like us being friends or rather does not like us being best friends. 1 defends our friendship.
I have asked myself on several occasions if I have romantic feeling for 1 (because my friends tell me I do) but I keep coming back to the fact that when 2 enters the room everything else (including 1) disappears. I’ve noticed this because we all met for general conference. I guess you could say that I’m continuously falling “head-over-heels-madly-in-like” with 2 (to use a Bro Jo phrase). (I’ve known him for like 10 months.) I really don’t see the problem, but acknowledge that others do and so if I were to find an eternal companion that didn’t like our friendship; I’d respect that and back off a bit.
I just want your opinion on WHY I can’t continue to be best friends with 1? And if you’d like to make a comment about anything else you’re welcome to do so.
Please don’t-hate-me!
PS. If you wish to shorten my letter you may do so.
Dear Friend,
It's a good letter, and one I look forward to answering! But in the interest of time, let me point out one thing that I think may help to put this into perspective:
When a Guy and Girl are "Friends", the length of the Friendship is finite. Either the Friendship will blossom into something more, as one hopes happens with a marriage (Sister Jo and I are undoubtedly Best Friends), or one or both of the friends will find someone else rendering the "Friendship" obsolete and inappropriate.
Think of it this way: if you were married and having young single men (Missionary or otherwise) over to your home while your husband was at work, entertaining them, talking to them, especially one-on-one, how would your husband feel?
How would you feel if your husband was constantly going to lunch with his Beautiful Young Assistant? If they had long intimate talks together the way that friends do? Would you like to hear about how great she is, and how much he cares about her (just as "friends", of course!)?
- Bro Jo
PS - I don't "hate" you (or anybody), but I do think your relationships with these young missionaries is VERY inappropriate. Can you see why people might think that?
Dear Bro Jo,
Hmmm (can you actually see the light turning on here?)
I'd love to answer that I would trust him enough to know nothing would happen that shouldn't happen...but in all honesty...would I like it? No, deep down I wouldn't.
But I thought it had to do with my own insecurities and that I was suppose to be able to "deal with it" anyway.
I never thought of it as hurting someone but I guess I see that now. Thank you.
And if you're anything like my dad, you'll love what I really like to say right now..."I get it....buuuut, It's so unfair!" But yeah, I see it differently now.
Dear Friend,
Eureka! We’ve Struck GOLD!
The other issue we need to address is the notion of “the appearance of evil”. As Latter-day Saints, like it or not, those around us will make judgments about the Truthfulness of the Gospel by the things we do and say.
That’s unfair, too, but it IS reality.
It’s also an honor! We should be grateful to be Standard Bearers for Christ.
But that does mean that we will often be judged more harshly than others. So . . . what must the neighbors think if a young Missionary is seen coming and going often from a Young Single Woman’s home? He’s good looking, she’s very nice (which can be misconstrued as “flirty”) . . .
Are you undermining the effectiveness of these Missionaries because:
I’ve got another missionary who I really like and want to date. We can call him 2. Missionary 1 really supports me and wants me to date missionary 2 after his mission is over. I know that missionary 2 likes me too and we have decided to talk about things after his mission because we both want him to focus on his mission and I support him and encourage him in that. (He’s on his last transfer.)
I really feel like that’s the right thing to do because I really would like to at least get a chance to date him when his mission is over. He knows that I and 1 are best friends and he’s also good friends with 1 so that is no problem. WHY is that an issue for others? (I’m guessing you belong in the “others” category). It’s been brought up on a couple of occasions that his dad (dad of missionary 1) does NOT like us being friends or rather does not like us being best friends. 1 defends our friendship.
I have asked myself on several occasions if I have romantic feeling for 1 (because my friends tell me I do) but I keep coming back to the fact that when 2 enters the room everything else (including 1) disappears. I’ve noticed this because we all met for general conference. I guess you could say that I’m continuously falling “head-over-heels-madly-in-like” with 2 (to use a Bro Jo phrase). (I’ve known him for like 10 months.) I really don’t see the problem, but acknowledge that others do and so if I were to find an eternal companion that didn’t like our friendship; I’d respect that and back off a bit.
I just want your opinion on WHY I can’t continue to be best friends with 1? And if you’d like to make a comment about anything else you’re welcome to do so.
Please don’t-hate-me!
PS. If you wish to shorten my letter you may do so.
Dear Friend,
It's a good letter, and one I look forward to answering! But in the interest of time, let me point out one thing that I think may help to put this into perspective:
When a Guy and Girl are "Friends", the length of the Friendship is finite. Either the Friendship will blossom into something more, as one hopes happens with a marriage (Sister Jo and I are undoubtedly Best Friends), or one or both of the friends will find someone else rendering the "Friendship" obsolete and inappropriate.
Think of it this way: if you were married and having young single men (Missionary or otherwise) over to your home while your husband was at work, entertaining them, talking to them, especially one-on-one, how would your husband feel?
How would you feel if your husband was constantly going to lunch with his Beautiful Young Assistant? If they had long intimate talks together the way that friends do? Would you like to hear about how great she is, and how much he cares about her (just as "friends", of course!)?
- Bro Jo
PS - I don't "hate" you (or anybody), but I do think your relationships with these young missionaries is VERY inappropriate. Can you see why people might think that?
Dear Bro Jo,
Hmmm (can you actually see the light turning on here?)
I'd love to answer that I would trust him enough to know nothing would happen that shouldn't happen...but in all honesty...would I like it? No, deep down I wouldn't.
But I thought it had to do with my own insecurities and that I was suppose to be able to "deal with it" anyway.
I never thought of it as hurting someone but I guess I see that now. Thank you.
And if you're anything like my dad, you'll love what I really like to say right now..."I get it....buuuut, It's so unfair!" But yeah, I see it differently now.
Dear Friend,
Eureka! We’ve Struck GOLD!
The other issue we need to address is the notion of “the appearance of evil”. As Latter-day Saints, like it or not, those around us will make judgments about the Truthfulness of the Gospel by the things we do and say.
That’s unfair, too, but it IS reality.
It’s also an honor! We should be grateful to be Standard Bearers for Christ.
But that does mean that we will often be judged more harshly than others. So . . . what must the neighbors think if a young Missionary is seen coming and going often from a Young Single Woman’s home? He’s good looking, she’s very nice (which can be misconstrued as “flirty”) . . .
Are you undermining the effectiveness of these Missionaries because:
A) they’re at your home more time than they should be?
B) Your neighbors question their honor because of assumptions they’re making regarding what’s going on at your house?
Friend, I DO wish you the Blessings of a Strong Marriage in the Lords Temple to a Good and Righteous Man. When this Young Missionary has been released by his Stake President (or authorized individual), should he return to your area and Date you, I say “give it a shot”; Love is found in strange ways and at strange times, often when we’re not looking.
In general, I’m NOT a big fan of Missionaries going back to an area where they were assigned to date a girl (or the girls) that were met there; it gives me the impression that the boy was focused more on the Young Women than The Work. I also think that because of the nature of a Mission, we often aren’t meeting exactly who we think we are.
(I let everyone ponder that a while)
Not all of us (sadly) are the same person at home or school that we are at Church, but what I mean regarding Missionaries is that when you’re in Missionary-mode, one of the blessings is the lack of worry and stress that comes from dealing with regular, everyday life. How we deal with those things says a lot about who we are. Plus, you have to wonder, what is this person like when they’re not steeped in the Gospel 24-7? Are they the same, kind of the same, or totally different?
One last thing: A Missionary is still A Guy. Just because things are "off limits" doesn't mean temptations and feelings go away. You may not think you're a temptation, but if the boys are over at your house a lot, you are. Even if nothing ever happens (and it Better NOT!), it's difficult to control our thoughts; better to never put ourselves in tempting situations.
- Bro Jo
Friend, I DO wish you the Blessings of a Strong Marriage in the Lords Temple to a Good and Righteous Man. When this Young Missionary has been released by his Stake President (or authorized individual), should he return to your area and Date you, I say “give it a shot”; Love is found in strange ways and at strange times, often when we’re not looking.
In general, I’m NOT a big fan of Missionaries going back to an area where they were assigned to date a girl (or the girls) that were met there; it gives me the impression that the boy was focused more on the Young Women than The Work. I also think that because of the nature of a Mission, we often aren’t meeting exactly who we think we are.
(I let everyone ponder that a while)
Not all of us (sadly) are the same person at home or school that we are at Church, but what I mean regarding Missionaries is that when you’re in Missionary-mode, one of the blessings is the lack of worry and stress that comes from dealing with regular, everyday life. How we deal with those things says a lot about who we are. Plus, you have to wonder, what is this person like when they’re not steeped in the Gospel 24-7? Are they the same, kind of the same, or totally different?
One last thing: A Missionary is still A Guy. Just because things are "off limits" doesn't mean temptations and feelings go away. You may not think you're a temptation, but if the boys are over at your house a lot, you are. Even if nothing ever happens (and it Better NOT!), it's difficult to control our thoughts; better to never put ourselves in tempting situations.
- Bro Jo
When I had a friend who was interested in dating a missionary who had served in our area, I suggested she read Lock Your Heart, a talk given by Elder Spencer W. Kimball over 40 years ago. In it Elder Kimball is direct and forceful, which is his style, but his council is well worth considering even today. While nothing happened between my friend and her RM friend while he was serving, I warned her that some would feel he had "shortchanged [his] mission" should anything develop between them. Sometimes, as you say, avoiding the appearance of evil can be as important as what actually goes on.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your column, Brother Johnston!