Fighting the Back-biting

Dear Bro Jo,

I recently ran across your blog and have since read everything on it! It explains and puts some things into words that I've been trying to say for a while. Thank you!

So now to my dilemma. I'm a 17 year-old guy. I like girls, I'm not awkward around girls and I enjoy dating them from time to time. But about a year ago (that being only about 6 months since I turned 16) I've lost interest in almost all of the young women (the laurels/the only date-able ones) in my ward. It's not because I've hopelessly fallen for one, rather the opposite. I've become disgusted with them.

They're all two-faced! When they're around each other (the other laurels), they're downright mean to me (snide comments and they're all fluent in sarcasm), and some of the other guys in my ward. (The 10 minute break in the hall between Sunday school and Priesthood/Young Women’s is torture!) The worst part is, the Young Women leaders are the same way (especially with the sarcasm), or worse! They're very ....cliquey (for lack of a better word).

There is one exception. She happens to be a very good friend of mine and we've tried to plan dates, but since we both don't really like the other youth in the ward, it's difficult to plan group dates. (Most of the other priests in the ward are the same way as the young women, or have barely turned 16, so we've haven't had the chance to plan anything with them)


As of late, I've discovered that the laurels are all OK, when they're not with each other. But that doesn't really help my interest in dating them (casually only, of course).
I guess my question is, what do I do?

I've talked to my parents. I've talked to the parents of the above mentioned "friend who is a girl" (I regularly talk to them) and they've tried going the path of talking to the leaders, to no avail (with the Bishop there, I believe). I even tried talking to one of the laurels (who I was really good friends with growing up but have since grown apart from) about it, but that also went no where.

Thanks for all of your advice (from your other posts and hopefully on this)

-Two-Faced Dilemma


Dear Faced,

You’re learning some pretty valuable lessons! You can’t change the way people act or behave by asking, demanding, or talking to others; what you CAN do is Teach True Doctrine and Set the Example. People have to change from within; to act for themselves, not be acted upon. At least that’s what it takes for real, sincere, heartfelt change. (In the Scriptures it’s often referred to as “having a broken heart and a contrite spirit”)

These principles will serve you well when you enter the mission field.

It might help if you ask yourself “why do these girls act one way individually and another way when they’re all together?” and “why are they resorting to getting attention with snide comments and sarcasm?”

If you observe enough people, I believe you’ll find that these behaviors and actions are not limited just to the girls in your ward and their leaders. Right or wrong, successful or not, people behave certain ways because that behavior serves them (or at least they think it does).

I submit that many people act “snotty” when they’re in a group because they believe it insulates them from exposing their real feelings; Feelings of Inadequacy, Inferiority, Jealousy and Fear.

Perhaps these girls want you to like them, but they fear that you won’t, so they justify a “preemptive strike” against the pain of rejection by rejecting you before you can hurt them. Now You Know that you wouldn’t reject them, but that doesn’t make them feel more secure.

(Perhaps, from their perspective, you've already rejected them . . .)

Perhaps the leaders, in their own misguided way, join with the girls to ingratiate themselves with them, to make themselves seem “cool” by being part of the crowd.

Some of these Girls (and leaders) may think that Sarcasm is Flirty. It’s not. But people keep using it just the same because they lack the confidence and courage to express interest without fear (and let’s cut them a little slack – wearing your heart on your sleeve can be pretty scary!)

It’s tough to say, and ultimately may not matter because their reason shouldn’t necessarily change your response.

There are several things you can do.

First and foremost: Rise Above It. Learn to treat people decently who mistreat you. (That’s “what Jesus would do”!) Eventually you may change the behavior of these people because the Spirit will reveal to them the immaturity of their actions. You have to play it cool. They say something snide; you simply smile and say “hello”, and move on. They insult you, and you (half mockingly) say “Wow, Shrek, you cut me real deep just now”.

Kill them with kindness and humor. Even if they don’t change, I promise that at the very least you’ll feel better.

Secondly, since you’re still in Casual Dating Mode, feel free to Go Outside your Ward for Dating Buddies and Dates. So long as you stick to The Rules, it won’t matter much. This will give you opportunities to “divide and conquer” the Laurels in your Ward, taking them out one at a time.

The only other thing I can tell you, Faced, is that maybe you need to stop “talking”, and focus more on “listening” . . .

As I’ve said before, Communication is the Key.

Thanks for the kind words!

- Bro Jo