Love and Respect

Dear Bro Jo,

I've read your answers to so many predicaments and I'd be really grateful if you could take the time to help with mine.

I'm 19 and currently attend university. I have been dating a non-member for about a year and a half. He is the most amazing person. He is 25, he very rarely consumes alcohol (and if he does, only ever in moderation), he has given up smoking, and attends institute and YSA activities more regularly than "active" YSA and has been to church twice (very recently). I have invited him to have the discussions but he is very shy and hates awkward situations and has said "eventually".

We love each other very deeply - we hope to marrry and have a family one day. We hate even being separated from each other. Everyone around us (including my family) can see how we feel about each other and, although they also strongly believe in temple marriage aswell, they think we will get married. We would marry right now except I just hate the thought of not being with him for time and all eternity, not having the priesthood in my home for myself and my children and all of the other complications marrying a non-member would bring! I remember all the lessons and firesides based on temple marriage and I want that so badly!

However, it has come to the point that keeping the Law of Chasity has become a constant issue and even though he is supportive of my beliefs I am ashamed to say I am not strong enough. He would respect my decision if I said no, but the problem is I don't feel bad enough about it because I love him so much.

I hate that I am such a horrible example to him and to others of the Church, that I have ceased to have the spirit with me and have those blessings in my life. I continue to attend all my church meetings - but only physically. I feel spiritually dead and I hate it - but I hate the thought of not being with him. I cannot seem to balance the Lord and the one I love.

I miss the spirit, being worthy to enter the temple, and being at peace with myself. I just don't know how to change our relationship to make everything possible. Is it really true that you cannot have your cake and eat it too?

Please help me - I am torn between my love for this man and my love of my Heavenly Father and his plan for my life, and eternal happiness. I know that the gospel and its teachings will offer me this but I just can't see how without this man in my life. I know there are probably many young men that I could be happy with, but I fear that it would emotionally destroy us both to be parted.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my letter, and I hope that you can offer some inspired words of advice and counsel.

May the Lord always take care of you and your loved ones for looking out for the well-being of his precious sons and daughters.


Dear Young Friend,

Thank you for the kind words! You seem like such a nice person, I hope you won’t chose to be offended when I give it to you straight . . .

Sex is not Love.

It’s great to have sex with someone you love, but there are a multitude of reasons why the Lord has suggested we save that experience until we’re married.

The number one reason that applies here is that it clouds your judgment. The excitement and feelings of Sex keep us from clearly seeing what else is going on.

In your case you’ve got a Boyfriend who’s talked about becoming a member and the Temple and marriage and other things that are clearly VERY important to you, but let me tell you, until they happen, it’s just talk.

Look at how you feel! You’re torn between Heavenly Father’s Plan and a Guy!

Let me give you two pieces of advice.

  1) If you haven’t already, Get Thee to Thy Bishop. He needs to be in the loop and know your struggles, he’s the best equipped to counsel you on what to do.

  2) Test Your Love. You and Your Boyfriend need to Commit to Each other to Stop Having Sex until after you’re married. You can’t Love somebody you Don’t Respect, and You Can’t Respect Someone who’s Doesn’t Respect Themselves, and Anyone who Puts Gratification Before God has no Self Respect. If the two of you can’t master your Sexual Impulses from here until a wedding, then you’re not in Love; you’re in Lust.

If you can do this, second thing one of two things is going to happen. You’ll either discover that he loves you enough to marry you, hopefully joining the Church first and marrying you in the Temple (and You are absolutely right: while part member situations can work, they’re ill advised because of the many blessings that will go missing), or you’ll break up because you’ll discover that the Sex was the only thing keeping you together.

Satan will work very hard on keeping the two of you from being worthy enough to get to the Temple; we’re about to find out how strong you are. 

And ponder this: if you don’t get sealed to this man, if he never holds the Priesthood nor goes to the Temple, your time together will be finite. No Sealing = No Eternity Together. That’s a Spiritual Fact. The moments you have together now will seem like nothing in the grand eternal scheme of things if you’re not Together Forever, not just with each other, but with your children.

Remember that the Lord did not promise that it would be easy, only that it will be worth it.

May the Lord bless you with what you need,

- Bro Jo