I actually have two questions for you, but I think they are related to each other. You have told the girls in many of your responses to make the guys work for them. This makes them respect and appreciate what they gain. But how can the girls work for the guys? Or how can the men make us work for them? For a great relationship, respect must be built on both sides.
My second question (ok, maybe it's technically my third) is more personal. Background info: I'm 20 years old, I have a boyfriend, and I am loving life! I want our relationship to be based on Christ-like love, and I know that real love takes time to build. I know it requires you to sacrifice for the other person as well. What were some of your favorite activities, processes, methods, etc. that helped build that deeper love with your wife? I imagine that these kinds of activities also allowed you two to really get to know each other better.
Thanks,
Desperate and Confused
(Just kidding! I'm not desperate, and I'm more curious than confused.)
Twitterpated
Dear Twitter,
Good questions!
The first thing that we need to acknowledge is that guys and girls are different (I know to many of you that seems obvious, but the world around us is trying to convince otherwise). Not just physically different, but hard-wired different.
I’ll readily admit that we live in an era where those hard-wired differences are down-played and the roles of men and women tossed upside-down, reversed, and often tossed away. They can call me all the names they want, I think it’s sad.
In general, Traditional Guys and Traditional Girls communicate respect, admiration and love differently. For example: I’m a sucker for food (perhaps Sister Jo’s excellent cooking and knowledge of my weaknesses are part of why I could stand to drop 40 lbs.) In between Girlfriends I was giving serious thought to asking out Stephanie, a girl I worked with. She was Very Cute, and such a sweetheart but, believe it or not, I was going through a bit of a shy stage. I’d been burned pretty bad in the previous weeks, and eager to avoid that heartache again. I was looking for a sign that she might like me before I made a move.
The Future Sister Jo was away at college. We were writing to each other, but she lived far away. Then one day Stephanie brought me brownies at work; that was it! Even if I hadn’t liked her I probably would have asked her out. I resolved to do just that the next time I saw her.
I had a few days off work to develop my plan. During that time off The Future Sister Jo sent me a Care Package: not just Brownies, but Cream Cheese Brownies!
And that was it. I never dated Stephanie. I know that may sound awful, but the Jo Kids will tell you it all worked out pretty well for them.
The point is that Traditional Guys need to be “worked for” in traditional ways: Food, Family, Fun and Flirting.
• Make them Food. Treats and Meats are a good place to start.
• Show that you’d be great with a Family (by being nice to his family and showing your Domestic Side).
• Be Fun and pleasant to be around.
• Learn to Flirt, he needs (not “wants”, NEEDS) to know that you think he’s (with respect to Elvis) A Hunk-a, Hunk-a, Hunk-a Burning Love.
I hate give girls any more advantages because, frankly, I think the Lord has Blessed them with the upper-hand to begin with but, for those of you that have missed it in previous columns, here’s a Quick Run-down of:
Bro Jo’s FLIRTING TIPS for GIRLS
• Touching. We’re not talking molestation or groping.
o Hold his hand or, better yet, take him by the arm. Guys love it when girls act impressed with our bicep size.
o Don’t sit on his lap (save that for alone time AFTER you’re married), but Sit Close, close enough that the side of your leg touches his (this one Should Not Be used by, nor on, the Not Ready to Be Serious Dating).
o Stroke his hair. Only once or twice. You’re not FIXING his hair, merely contemplating it.
o Reach over while you’re talking and briefly touch his hand, arm or shoulder. It communicates interest and, well . . . it’s nice!
• Talking. Or rather Listening. Practice the art of Asking Him about Him, and listening with sincere interest.
• Getting attention.
o Smile. It makes you look your best and, because people would rather be around people that are happy, it’s inviting.
o Eye contact. Looking at each other communicates interest. Duh.
o Laughing. It’s like Smiling but with Sound.
o Dress Nice. Clothes can be flattering without being slutty. Yes, guys will look at girls that aren’t wearing much, but we good guys try not to (or at least not to look twice), and (this is very important for girls to understand) a Girl Who is Dressed Well is MORE ATTRACTIVE than a girl who’s not dressed, perhaps in a different way, but it’s a Very Good and Very Effective Way.
How can Men make Girls Work for Them? Well, Twitter, from my perspective we’re ALWAYS working for You.
• Getting up the nerve to call
• Asking you Out and Taking You on Dates
• Actually Going To Work so we have money to support you and take you out
• Avoiding Other Girls so we can focus on you
• Buying you flowers and other presents
• Remembering Important Things and Dates and Events
• Opening Doors
• Walking between you and on-coming traffic
• Fixing stuff
• And just General MAKING HER HAPPY Items
It’s ALL work, and we love to do it. If we don’t love it (or love her) we won’t do it.
Oh, and Sisters, Including and Especially you Married Ones that are reading this, if you want us to do those things, you’d better learn how to make us men feel appreciated for doing them.
You third question is my favorite. What did Sister Jo and I do that brought us closer? The same thing we do now: We Spend Time Together.
Granted it’s different after marriage, but not too much (you still need to date your wives, Brethren - if you don't, someone else may try to). You see, Twitter, I knew I wanted to marry Sister Jo because I couldn’t stand to be away from her. Sure there are times now (and there were DEFINITELY times then) that we have to get away from each other, to get some space and perspective, but we keep coming back together.
When we were dating we watched lots of movies, and discovered that we like the same kinds of films. We went on hikes, out to eat, and on long drives through the countryside . . .
But ultimately what we did was TALK.
We talked about Hopes and Dreams, Goals and Fears, Good and Bad Past Experiences. We built a Relationship of Trust (Sound familiar to anyone out there?). Sister Jo is Beautiful, and to me she always will be, but, while physical attraction can be important, the physical stuff changes. People get balder, fatter, skinnier, wrinklier, and just plain older. The way to endure all of the Changes, and all of the Challenges, that life brings to each and every couple is to face it as a Team, with your Best Friend. My wife is mine.
And that happens when you spend a lot of time together Communicating. Realize, of course, that people communicate in different ways – not everyone can drone on and on like Bro Jo – but it’s the Communication that is the Key. The “Activity”, or the “Date”, is only a vehicle to facilitate the Communication and to Discover if you really like spending time with a person.
- Bro Jo
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