I've read a few articles from your blog and would like some advice.
Honestly, I'm not asked on too many dates. Quite frankly, I don't blame the young men for not asking me out. Part of me is grateful. This is because when I am asked out on a date, my thoughts consist mainly of reasons why the young man who asked me out shouldn't be dating me. Normally I have high esteem: I'm doing well in school, have a nice job with awesome coworkers, and have wonderful friends, but that changes when I think of getting into a relationship.
I'll try to describe what happens to me so you'll know what I'm going through.
First dates are normally fine (is it alright to call first dates that? Mine make me nervous, but I think that's normal). All the young men who have asked me out are great young men. They're returned missionaries who are still active in the church, doing cool things with their lives, etc. This gets me to thinking about my own life. I then begin noticing things that I do that probably would annoy him. I feel I have too many imperfections to make any sort of relationship work. I convince myself that he'll never exclusively date me. Because of this, successive dates stress me out terribly. I get into my head that all the young man really wants to do is date someone else, and he picks up on my negativity (I try to hide it so hard, but it comes out anyway). Needless to say, young men don't like dating girls like that, and he moves on to someone else. I also think my negative thinking might be one of the reasons I'm not asked out very often.
I try to avoid thinking negatively, I really do. I just can't seem to avoid it.
How can I convince myself that there is someone out there who would want me as an eternal companion?
Thank you in advance for your assistance,
A Self Destructionist
Dear SD,
(Be careful, in advance, what you wish for!)
First of all, anyone who’s not at least a little nervous on a first date is either way too into themselves or totally clueless about what a first date means.
So let’s discuss that, because it’s not always the same thing.
When you’re young (of course, to Bro Jo, ALL OF YOU are young), let’s say in High School, first dates, like all dates, are supposed to be Casual Group Dates. Even if you’re going to a formal dance, like Prom, the atmosphere should still be casual. No one should expect that a Date means a Commitment.
But I’m not so naïve to not recognize that many of you do. Quick story:
One Sunday I was speaking with a Young Woman who was complaining that the guys at her school, even the LDS guys, wouldn’t take girls out.
One Young Man explained that it was Impossible to take a girl out, LDS or otherwise, and not have everyone think you’re now a couple. He said that the challenge is that, even if you’re committed to the path of Casual Group Dating, you were destined to make some girl mad at you or gain the reputation for being “a player” (which he explained means that you’re a guy who plays with girls’ emotions, typically with the goal of making out – kissing, snogging, swapping spit, exchanging communicable diseases, tonsil hockey, touching teeth – whatever your local vernacular – with lots of different girls).
She protested and said that in Young Women they constantly talk about how having a boyfriend isn’t a good idea, and that girls just want to be taken out on a nice evening with friends and be escorted by a nice guy.
Two weeks later I overheard this same Young Woman excitedly explain that XYZ guy was now her boyfriend, solely on the basis that he was taking her to the upcoming formal dance.
I couldn’t resist. I approached the boy and asked him if he was excited about his date for the formal.
“Bro Jo”, he said, “I don’t know what to do. She’s really nice, and I asked her because she seems fun and I thought we could have a nice time, but now she’s acting like she’s my girlfriend, and it’s freaking me out; this is only our first date!”
The point of telling you this story, SD, is that you’re probably putting Too Much Emphasis on the date. Dating at a young age does not have to mean a binding contract!
(You may find it interesting, but not surprising, that after that formal dance, this Young Man never asked that Young Woman out again.)
Now, perhaps more specifically to your situation, you’re absolutely right: You’re a Self Destructionist. You need to knock that garbage off!
You, my friend, are a daughter of God, and as such have inherit value. You have Individual Worth!
Perhaps what you need to start doing is focusing not on why someone wouldn’t want you, but on becoming the type of person you’d want.
Let me be more specific.
Do you want to marry a complainer or someone positive?
Do you want to marry someone who looks for the good, or only sees the negative?
Do you want someone who strives to be holy?
Someone who sees the value and potential in others?
Become the type of person you’re looking for.
(Yes, you English Majors and Critics, it IS OK to end a sentence with a preposition – time to put that pretentious myth away.)
We all go through moments when we feel unworthy and untalented. We need to see those moments as a Call to Repentance!
Go make a list of your talents. Right now!
(Go on; all of you! I’ll wait right here . . . . Done? OK.)
Now, you may have written things like “can play an instrument” or “good in math”, and that’s great! But, if you haven’t already, add to your list things like “great listener” or “can focus on mundane things” or “can relate to others” or “very careful” – those are talents, too.
If you’re having trouble, ask someone very close to you to help; very close, like a sibling or a parent. Everything on your list is valuable, and you have value because it's you!
Those are the things you bring to a relationship; those are the things that maybe some of the reasons someone falls in love with you.
If you have it, pull out your Patriarchal Blessing and read it again. (Like a moving buddy, if you don’t have one, Get One!)
And know this: it’s not as important why someone falls in love with you, as it is that you fall in love with them.
- Bro Jo
She protested and said that in Young Women they constantly talk about how having a boyfriend isn’t a good idea, and that girls just want to be taken out on a nice evening with friends and be escorted by a nice guy.
Two weeks later I overheard this same Young Woman excitedly explain that XYZ guy was now her boyfriend, solely on the basis that he was taking her to the upcoming formal dance.
I couldn’t resist. I approached the boy and asked him if he was excited about his date for the formal.
“Bro Jo”, he said, “I don’t know what to do. She’s really nice, and I asked her because she seems fun and I thought we could have a nice time, but now she’s acting like she’s my girlfriend, and it’s freaking me out; this is only our first date!”
The point of telling you this story, SD, is that you’re probably putting Too Much Emphasis on the date. Dating at a young age does not have to mean a binding contract!
(You may find it interesting, but not surprising, that after that formal dance, this Young Man never asked that Young Woman out again.)
Now, perhaps more specifically to your situation, you’re absolutely right: You’re a Self Destructionist. You need to knock that garbage off!
You, my friend, are a daughter of God, and as such have inherit value. You have Individual Worth!
Perhaps what you need to start doing is focusing not on why someone wouldn’t want you, but on becoming the type of person you’d want.
Let me be more specific.
Do you want to marry a complainer or someone positive?
Do you want to marry someone who looks for the good, or only sees the negative?
Do you want someone who strives to be holy?
Someone who sees the value and potential in others?
Become the type of person you’re looking for.
(Yes, you English Majors and Critics, it IS OK to end a sentence with a preposition – time to put that pretentious myth away.)
We all go through moments when we feel unworthy and untalented. We need to see those moments as a Call to Repentance!
Go make a list of your talents. Right now!
(Go on; all of you! I’ll wait right here . . . . Done? OK.)
Now, you may have written things like “can play an instrument” or “good in math”, and that’s great! But, if you haven’t already, add to your list things like “great listener” or “can focus on mundane things” or “can relate to others” or “very careful” – those are talents, too.
If you’re having trouble, ask someone very close to you to help; very close, like a sibling or a parent. Everything on your list is valuable, and you have value because it's you!
Those are the things you bring to a relationship; those are the things that maybe some of the reasons someone falls in love with you.
If you have it, pull out your Patriarchal Blessing and read it again. (Like a moving buddy, if you don’t have one, Get One!)
And know this: it’s not as important why someone falls in love with you, as it is that you fall in love with them.
- Bro Jo
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