When Friendship Grows Hormones

Dear Bro Jo,

One of my best friends is a guy and I read somewhere that many many times guys can't be just friends. We have been friends since I joined the church when I was nine. We hang out a lot with our other friends and they always joke about us being cute together, but we just laugh it off. Well lately he has been acting different around me. He says stuff like "hey pretty" and "cutie" and things like that.

He will also sometimes put his arm around me when we are standing around or whenever. I notice him looking at me and then he just smiles and looks away. I never know what to say or do. I don't know how I feel about him other than a friend. I never want to lose our friendship I would be crushed!!

What if he likes me?

What if I start liking him and something happens to our friendship?

I don't know what to do. Please help me!

- Just Friends

Dear Just,

How old are you now?

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Sixteen.

- Just Friends

Dear JF,

Thank you.

Believe it or not, that’s important.

First of all, I’ll tell you where you’ve read it, many, many times . . . Right Here!

At nine-years old the hormones typically kicked in yet, so guys and girls Can Be buddies. But somewhere between there and now things have changed. You’ve changed. He’s changed. There was nothing either of you could do about it; it’s inevitable.

Now it is possible that he’s saying “hey pretty” and “cutie” because he’s trying to lift your spirits, but let’s face it: he could do that by saying “hey brilliant”, couldn’t he? (and he may be . . .)
I think we often choose our words intentionally, even if subconsciously.

The boy thinks you’re Pretty and Cute.

Shocked?

You have no right to be.

Surprised I’ll give you, but not shocked.

You’re a girl. He’s a guy. The fact that he’d eventually discover that you’re (as my boys have put it when they’ve reached the age where they’re ready to confess that it’s OK to like girls) “not painful to look at” is a given eventuality.

Let me be clear: your nine-year old friend ship was destined to take one of two paths: either he’d find you attractive or turn his attention to another girl (or several girls).

I’m sorry, I know that’s harsh for many of you Younger Sisters, but it’s true, and frankly, I don’t think it needs to be taken harshly.

Look at the reality. At 16 if he has the hots for some other girl, and if he gets up the courage to talk to her, he’ll stop spending so much time with you, unless she rejects him. He’d be focusing on her. If that doesn’t work out, he’ll probably try hanging out with you some more. Then another girl will come along.

That’s the destiny of the undiscovered “teen friend”; you’ll be playing back up between “something betters”.

Perhaps he’ll spend his teen years not really pursuing anyone strongly (which is what Bro Jo recommends). He’ll go on some dates, perhaps a few with you, but not have a girlfriend. At 19 he’ll leave on his mission with no relationship tangles behind. When he returns honorably he’ll be 21 and thinking of Temple Marriage, wanting to create for himself what he’s seen so many on his mission be blessed with in their own lives.

If you’re not married, perhaps he’ll ask you out. If he writes me and asks me if he should, I’ll tell him he’d be an idiot not to (a strong friendship being a cornerstone of an excellent marriage).
So, in the regard of either scenario, the friendship is “doomed” in that you can’t possibly stay “just friends”. Again, I’m sorry, but you just can’t. The underlying attraction will always be there until it either plays out or goes away, in which case he’ll find another girl to be Best Friends with (and hopefully, eventually, that will be his wife).

Don’t be crushed.

If anything, be flattered (he is trying to compliment you, after all).

So now what?

Well, as it always is with women, the ball is in your court.

At your age I STRONGLY RECOMMEND AGAINST the Boyfriend-Girlfriend thing, for many, many reasons. (Yes, one is temptation, but think of this too: most High School relationships breakup, as they should; is that really heartache that you want to go through at this age? Especially with someone you care about?)

I think that, unless he’s a jerk, it’s OK for the two of you to Casually Group Date (see Bro Jo’s “Dating Rules for Teens” in the side panel, or on Facebook HERE). I think you should still be nice to each other, and talk much, but not alone, not in his car, and not on the sofa.

I think you should both recognize the value in each Casually Group Dating other s, and that you should encourage and support him as a missionary. I think that while he’s gone (just three short years away) you should write him. Not love letters, but “Way to go Elder!” letters.

I think you should date any decent guy that asks while this boy is serving, and I think you should encourage a few decent guys TO ASK.

When he comes home, if you’re single, and if there’s a possibility of romance, I think the two of you should date and see what happens.

But, for now, understand that he does like you in a “more than a friend” way, and there’s nothing you or he could have (nor should have) ever done to prevent that.

Just do me the favor of keeping things Light and Casual for the next 5 years.

- Bro Jo

PS: There's one other aspect here for you and I to cover, and that's the "arm around" you thing. Guys, especially Teens and repressed LDS Young Singles, have a difficult time responding to and expressing the chemical drive to touch an attractive gal. They get "touchy", sometimes expressing their physical desires aggressively (rough housing, tickling, wrestling, grabbing) or in unwanted casual contact (arms around, sitting too close, hugging, dancing too close, you know what I mean), and I sense that part of your letter may be asking what to do in those situations.

Sisters, unwanted physical contact is Very Bad, and it needs to be dealt with swiftly and surely. The Nicest thing to do is to pull the guy aside, but still within visual contact of others, and explain that his behavior makes you uncomfortable. For most guys, good guys, that will be enough.

If it's not enough, you've got to take more drastic measures.

Yell at him to stop.

Talk to you Bishop (or his parents, or yours), or other Church Leaders or Authorities (anyone who can help).

No woman, teen, or girl, should ever have to tolerate feeling man-handled or endure aggressive behavior.

Flirting can be OK and fun, but recognize when the line has been crossed.