Birth Control

Bro Jo-

I'm curious and you might want to move this comment somewhere else but what do you think about birth control?

I've read a article by Spencer W. Kimball saying that we shouldn't put off having kids and putting education and jobs in front of it. But what if your living in your parents house ( so so SO many cases of this) newly married and don't want to take birth control of any sorts? to me i find that EXTREMELY careless. Think about your situation your in and if you want to raise a baby at your parents house.

What are your thoughts?

- Kort

Dear Kort,

Thanks for the challenging question (moved to this seperate column from a comment on "Is 18 Too Young").

Let me start by saying that what follows is My Opinion, not necessarily the position or an interpretation of the Church’s opinion on Birth Control (and, to be honest, I’m not sure there is one).

Let me also tell you two other things as a bit of a disclaimer: 1) remember that I have Seven Children (not that many, but a lot by today’s standards, even inside the Church – more so outside the Zion Curtain); and 2) I was adopted at birth, which I’m sure imbues my opinion with a specific gratitude and appreciation for the sanctity of life.

First of all, I think this is one of those decisions that is between a Husband and Wife and The Lord. Having kids is a very specific and personal commitment, and frankly one that I think is made all too lightly. They’re your children, not your pets.

I also believe strongly in what it says in the Proclamation on the Family and the Scriptures about the Temporal and Spiritual Wellbeing of Children resting squarely on the shoulders of the parents, specifically the father, and that those parents will be held eternally responsible for their stewardship over Heavenly Father’s Spirit Children.

And I think it’s a tragedy that so many people put worldly things and selfish desires over the welfare of children. Kids are seen by many as status symbols or objects (even if “of affection”) or possessions. I’m hesitant to recommend that a couple have a child if their goal is to have him or her raised by someone else, like a Daycare Provider. It’s as if that child is put away and only brought out to play when the parent is in the mood.

I’m sincerely bothered when families chose to send mom to work so the family can take trips or have stuff.

And I don’t think that changes just because the kids are in school. I’m worried that many parents don’t realize that most Teen Trouble happens at home when no parent is around, even in the middle of the day.

Yes, it’s difficult. Yes it requires a lot of sacrifice.

And Yes, it’s absolutely worth it.

Does all of that mean that I advocate a married couple use Birth Control?

Not necessarily.

As you mentioned, Kort, children should not be put off for worldly reasons, such as financial or scholastic concerns.

I’ve often said that there is a very small list of things for which no book, class, lecture, or substituted experience can fully prepare you; you must live it to understand it.

So far on that small list I have “Marriage” and “Parenthood”. Living together does nothing to make a marriage more successful (and statistically it does exactly the opposite) anymore than babysitting prepares you for parenthood. Without the 24-7-365 commitment, it’s just not the same.

If you think you need to put off children until you have enough money, I have news: you’ll NEVER have enough.

Which is not to say that kids are an insurmountable expense. In the US we regularly see “reports” of the cost of raising a child from birth to 18; the last one I saw placed the amount over a million US dollars. Let me tell you Right Now: I don’t make nearly enough for that to be true (remember, I have 7).

What I’m saying is that, it seems evident to me, that couples who put off children for financial reasons always seem to find some new fiscal hurdle to overcome; or they become accustomed to Stuff, unwilling to make the personal sacrifices that parenthood requires.

But there are reasons where I agree one should wait.

(And this is just me talking, not the Church)

If you can’t provide the basic needs (food, shelter, clothing), and I mean BASIC (not fancy - there's nothing wrong with baking your own bread, living in a small affordable place, or used clothing), I don’t think it’s time.

(This might be the gray area where Kort and I agree: I have no problem with people living with their parents and having children. Historically and in many cultures today, extended families live together, helping with the responsibilities, which I think can be very wise. But if you’re living in the basement because you don’t want to work, provide or due your share, well that’s another story.)

If you’re not physically or emotionally ready. Pregnancy and Birth take a physical and emotional toll on a woman’s body that is heroic and should never be taken lightly. Sister Jo has noted that it seems like when she was most fit physically coincides with when she got pregnant. And the body needs time to recover from birth. Further, if you’re not yet ready to make the emotional leap to parenthood, you need to grow up first. Your children need to be your priority. I don’t know who invented the phrase “me time”, but I find it to be one of those things that too many have taken to the extreme.

If the father won’t provide, if the mother feels overwhelmed to the point of distress or depression, if you’re thinking that having a child will bring the marriage back together . . . for me those are all reasons NOT to have a child.

Kort, I suspect you had someone in mind when you sent in your original comment. I regret that I can’t contact you to get additional information on your relationship to the situation.

If you’re one of the married people debating the timing of children, I suggest that you wait until both of you are ready, but do some serious self-analysis to be sure that you’re not putting off children for the wrong reasons.

If you’re the parent/landlord, I say if it bothers you that much, do you and the kids a favor and kick them out. If you can’t come to a place where you let them live their lives (perhaps charging them rent would make you feel better and help them earn some respect) then it’s past time to shove those birds out of the nest. They won’t grow up if they’re constantly under your thumb.

If you’re someone else, like a sibling or friend, mind your own business.

I can’t let any discussion on Birth Control go without saying two things: 1) there’s no such thing, save abstinence, that is 100% birth control; and 2) Sister Jo will want me to warn you Sisters about the dangers of Chemical Contraceptives, like “the pill”.

I’ve known couples who’ve conceived regardless of everything out there. Condoms, Pills, IUDs . . . you name it, I’ve known it all to fail (a fact that escapes Way Too Many “sex education” programs – boy how I hate those, but that’s for another day).

“The Pill” is a very popular Birth Control method, and it’s pretty effective (but not a guarantee; women have gotten pregnant on the pill), but we’ve known quite a few young couples who choose this method, only to find they struggle to conceive for a long time after they stop using it. I think several suffer miscarriages as a result. We’re not doctors, but we’ve known it to be true. Sister Jo would be mad at me if I didn’t warn you; she’s not a big fan of putting unnecessary chemicals in your body.

Whatever you decide, please, please, please do some due diligence research.

And, above all, remember that children, All Children (planned or not) are a Gift and Blessing from Heavenly Father. I’m so very grateful for the seven young people He’s entrusted to my care; I couldn’t imagine life without any of them.

And remember that when we obey his commandments, which certainly include having children and raising eternal families, that the Lord will provide.

Lastly (for now), it’s not our place to comment, gossip, belittle, or lecture married couples without children. Again, that’s between them and the Lord, and frankly none of our business. Many couples struggle to conceive, and that can be a very real (and heartbreaking) trial for them to overcome. While some may be in that predicament because of other decisions, many are not and, regardless, their pain is real.

I encourage those to consider adoption. I’m forever grateful for parents who took me in and love me.

Great question; thanks for sending it in.

- Bro Jo