Letter 3
Dear Bro Jo,
I'll be blunt. He's fat.
Though he does have nice eyes and a nice smile.
To put a label on myself, I suppose I was desperate. I've actually done this sort of thing before, where I've liked a guy's personality, but not his physicality, and yet still kissed him, then wondered why my feelings just seemed to vanish. I'm a creature of habit.
I know you probably think I'm really nuts. Actually, I KNOW you think I'm really nuts. But I still don't know what to do about this situation that I keep putting myself into.
- Sitter
Dear Sitter,
Well, surprisingly I don't think you're nuts.
(Surprises me as much as anybody)
Mean, maybe, but not nuts. You definitely are insecure, and you definitely led him on.
(Surprises me as much as anybody)
Mean, maybe, but not nuts. You definitely are insecure, and you definitely led him on.
But I appreciate your honesty. And your bluntness.
Look, it's important to be attracted to whom you marry, but it's also important to realize that physical beauty fades - have a few kids and see if you don't find yourself a totally different shape than you are now . . . we all get old, Sister, and our bodies change.
When it comes to "Fatness", the real question is "Why?"
Lazy and unwilling to work falls in the "Apathy" category in my list of reasons Why Not to Marry Someone - that's legitimate. Overeating can also be a sign that someone lacks confidence or self discipline, but those are totally different issues . . .
Would you feel differently if he got in shape? Did you do anything to help him slim down?
And here's the big one: what if you marry the "perfect guy", I mean perfect in every way, spiritually, temporally and physically, and after marriage he hurts his back at work and while recovering puts on 150 lbs?
No joke. Could totally happen.
Most of the guys I went to High School and College with, including those of us that were athletes, have put on more than just a few pounds. It happens with age, and job related change in activity. Once you're supporting a family and focusing on your wife and children, you find that you have less and less time for the gym or sports.
What will you do then?
Again, I don't think you're nuts.
And I totally understand and support the idea that there needs to be Sexual Attraction in a marriage.
Believe me.
But there has to be more, So Much More, than that.
You're putting yourself in this cycle because you're in love with the Idea of being in love and you can't get over your own insecurities to let love really happen.
The problem isn't that this guy is fat. The problem is that you're worried about what people will say if you're with a fat guy. How will it reflect on you? You're worried that people will say "Oh, all she could get was a Fat Guy". So once the relationship gets serious or heats up or threatens to go public, you bail out.
Up until that point, it's fun.
You're deep down putting yourself in relationships that are, because of your own superficiality, destined to fail.
So now what?
Well, I think you still, as a YSA, need to go out with anyone, at least once, that asks (so long as you don't fear for your safety). And I think you need to stop kissing guys that you have no intention of having a relationship with.
Sister Jo had some pretty descriptive words for a girl who would kiss a boy that repulses her . . . but I'll leave those for another day.
Learn to be happy with whom you are, and as you search for an eternal companion, remember those things that are Eternally Important.
- Bro Jo
Look, it's important to be attracted to whom you marry, but it's also important to realize that physical beauty fades - have a few kids and see if you don't find yourself a totally different shape than you are now . . . we all get old, Sister, and our bodies change.
When it comes to "Fatness", the real question is "Why?"
Lazy and unwilling to work falls in the "Apathy" category in my list of reasons Why Not to Marry Someone - that's legitimate. Overeating can also be a sign that someone lacks confidence or self discipline, but those are totally different issues . . .
Would you feel differently if he got in shape? Did you do anything to help him slim down?
And here's the big one: what if you marry the "perfect guy", I mean perfect in every way, spiritually, temporally and physically, and after marriage he hurts his back at work and while recovering puts on 150 lbs?
No joke. Could totally happen.
Most of the guys I went to High School and College with, including those of us that were athletes, have put on more than just a few pounds. It happens with age, and job related change in activity. Once you're supporting a family and focusing on your wife and children, you find that you have less and less time for the gym or sports.
What will you do then?
Again, I don't think you're nuts.
And I totally understand and support the idea that there needs to be Sexual Attraction in a marriage.
Believe me.
But there has to be more, So Much More, than that.
You're putting yourself in this cycle because you're in love with the Idea of being in love and you can't get over your own insecurities to let love really happen.
The problem isn't that this guy is fat. The problem is that you're worried about what people will say if you're with a fat guy. How will it reflect on you? You're worried that people will say "Oh, all she could get was a Fat Guy". So once the relationship gets serious or heats up or threatens to go public, you bail out.
Up until that point, it's fun.
You're deep down putting yourself in relationships that are, because of your own superficiality, destined to fail.
So now what?
Well, I think you still, as a YSA, need to go out with anyone, at least once, that asks (so long as you don't fear for your safety). And I think you need to stop kissing guys that you have no intention of having a relationship with.
Sister Jo had some pretty descriptive words for a girl who would kiss a boy that repulses her . . . but I'll leave those for another day.
Learn to be happy with whom you are, and as you search for an eternal companion, remember those things that are Eternally Important.
- Bro Jo
Okay, let me tell you something. If you aren't attracted to someone (unless your eyes are closed) DON'T KISS THEM! HELLO! Okay, so he's over weight. I gained more than 100 pounds in less than 8 months when I was put on medicine that I will have to take for the rest of my life. From 115 to 247 do you think it was fun? No! just because a person's overweight doesn't mean they aren't appealing to someone. But you, leading him on by your lack of control? I mean that is way worse! Just because you've got your eyes closed when you're kissing the poor guy doesn't mean you are attracted to him.
ReplyDelete2 months of dating doesn't make someone your best friend. Sorry. You have to experience life with the person. If you can't accept them as they are you don't have a friend, but a shallow relationship based on your need to be with someone.
You need to take a rest and decide what you really want in life and what you are going to do to develop the confidence in yourself without slashing the confidence of others. Don't go leading people on---no, not a good idea! Put the breaks on!