Homecoming Dilemma

Dear Bro Jo,

The question that I have is actually about what I do for a friend of mine.

One of my friends really likes a guy and the guy likes her back. They both know that the other one likes them, and they talk a lot.

My friend was nominated for homecoming princess and she has to find a guy to be her escort in one of the school assembles. She wants to ask the guy to be her escort but her mom says that to be nice she should ask one of the "special" kids to be her escort. She asked me what I thought that she should do, and I am not sure what to tell her. They are both Mormon so they can't date until they are 16 and she is 14 while he is 15.

Also my friend, talks to the guy a lot but her parents don't know that she talks to him, but they do know that she likes him and he lies her, they say that they really like each other, they tell each other that they like the other one, and she is not sure if she wants that to go on.

She likes him and all but knows that right now she just wants to be friends for now because that is all that they can be. and sometimes is bothers her that they say that to each other and she kinda wants to tell her parents but at the same time she doesn't because they tease her, and she gets tired of everyone bugging her about him.

Yeah, she tells me just about everything and asks me what I think she should do but I am not sure.

- D


Dear D,

One of my boys was just in the Homecoming Court at his High School. He was paired randomly with one of the Princesses (ironically the girlfriend of one of his buddies), but everything was pretty platonic. She held his arm; they walked out in the middle of the Homecoming Game, waived at people and got a picture taken. No big deal.

What is an "escort at the school assembly" supposed to do? Are you sure there's not an escort provided?

I know not every school is the same, but I think it sounds suspect that the school is expecting the Princesses to find their own escorts . . .

To be honest, it sounds like she's looking for an excuse to spend time with this particular guy, probably because she feels "safe" with him . . .

- Bro Jo


Dear Bro Jo,

I don't know if she needs an escort at the dance. Yeah, they told her that she had to find someone to be her escort, because we don't pick princes at our school.
He is basically just someone that walks her in the gym that way we can vote our choice of the top 3 for the freshman princess.

Is it a good thing that she is trying to find time to spend with him?

- D


Dear D,

Ah, I see, there's a Dance as well . . .

From my perspective, and certainly not intending to disagree with her parents, if all we're talking about is a guy that walks her into the gym, it doesn't really matter who does it, so if she wants to ask this guy she likes, that's fine.

If, however, this is an attempt to get a date for the dance, that's an altogether different story. She's too young to date.

Sister Jo and I see Homecoming as a "Date-Dance", meaning that even though many kids here go sans-date, it's really one of those events that you're supposed to take a date to, so we don't allow our boys to go until they're 16, and then they need to go with a date (and in a group).

My advice for parents (and their teens) is that if one of their "not-yet-old-enough-to-date" children is expected to attend Homecoming festivities because of Royalty selection, the public escort (in the Gym, at the game) is OK. A short, parental chaperoned appearance at the dance for the brief requirements there is a parental decision, but I see no problem with it. Leaving your son or daughter there un-chaperoned (even if it's inconvenient for you to stay) is a Bad Idea. If that's the only option, and if it's required that the child attend the Date-Dance as part of the honor, then it should be declined.

What's more important: following the advice of the Prophets or being nominated as Homecoming Prince or Princess at 14?

It may be hard, but should it come to declining the nomination because of her (or his) faith and commitment to follow the advice or priesthood leadership, the child's peers will have an increased respect for them and their religion, even if that respect isn't manifested for several years. And I firmly believe that such obedience comes with the blessings we're promised.

One of the trials we have as Modern Day Latter-day Saints is that, as we become more "in the world" we become more "of the world". It's a sad irony when we become apologist or ignore the tenants of our faith because of the lure of popularity or the promise of worldly success.

Where your friend is concerned, D, I think a bigger issue than her Homecoming Dreams is her relationship with this boy.

I'm sure he's a very nice guy, but you've hinted at two things that raise some Red Flags.

One, she keeps confessing her "like" for him even though she thinks it's a Bad Idea.

Two, that she feels she needs to talk to her parents about this relationship, but doesn't.

No one should continue down the path of a relationship when they're being prompted by the Spirit to get out. Your friend is suffering from a self-worth issue, justifying being in this relationship because, even though it feels wrong, she likes the security and attention. On that basis alone I'd tell her she needs to back WAY off on the amount of time and attention she's spending with this boy, nice guy or not.

Lines of communication need to be opened. Again, it sounds as if she's being prompted to turn to her parents for council, but isn't.

Parents: take note! This Young Woman is justifying NOT talking to her parents because she's afraid of them teasing her or being too judgmental. If our children can't turn to us for guidance, whom will they then turn to? Heed what was said in conference: have regular, open and encouraging Listening Sessions (not lectures) with your children.


In both cases I'm concerned that your friend isn't listening to the promptings of the Spirit. Tell her I said that. Tell her I suggest that she make certain she has personal prayer both day and night. (One of my favorite "remind you to pray" tricks is to keep one's shoes under the bed. Pray at night when you're on your knees sticking the shoes under, and remember to pray in the morning when you get on your knees and reach under the bed to get your shoes.)

Best of luck to you both.

Thanks for writing, and let me know what happens.

- Bro Jo

PS. Finding excuses to spend time with a boy she likes isn't necessarily bad. If anything it's normal, and in 5 more years will be Highly Recommended. But for now, given all you've said, I think she should slow down a little.