Hey Brother Johnston! How are you doing? This is the second email I have ever sent to you (maybe you'll remember me as the girl who had problems with a boy she liked in "When a Good Guy Goes Bad"), and once again, I need some advice! I feel kind of embarrassed to say that my current obstacle involves yet again the same boy, but it's a different situation this time - I promise.
When I received your response to my email, I did decide to take your counsel and give it a try. In the process I regained back my old self and found that life wasn't all about the current 'love interest,' or whatever you want to call it. And you know, I also found that I was selling myself short! Dang it, if a guy can't respect a girl the right way, I honestly don't know what makes them think that's okay. Luckily, I also know from experience that not all guys are like that.
(Special thanks to all those good guys out there who do know the sanctity of Womanhood and the value of dignity in the presence of women. You guys are the ones that make us GIRLS want to be better persons. Promise that you won't ever change; we need you men! To not only be the examples to other guys who are having trouble, but to rise to your callings in life and prepare yourselves to be the future leaders of the Church. Not only do we know guys look to us for answers, but we also look to them.)
So to the story: Over the long 3 months away from him and finding new-found strength at EFY, the summer was a perfect opportunity to brace myself for school. Oh, and when it started, I felt at the top of my game! Seminary also added another defense to everything tempting around. It was just...PERFECT. Except for one thing: This same boy (we'll call him Brandon 'cause I like that name), was sending some strong signals that he still liked me. Uh...But I was determined not to let all that I had gained just slip away - no way, dude! I later found out that we didn't have classes together, though...thank goodness or else if I did, and I still had more-than-friend feelings, it would be hard to bear, let’s just say.
It has also been decided that I'm done with all those feelings of attraction I had for him. I'll be his friend, but only a friend; it's better this way. I'll also mention that Brandon has more than one girl who likes him and wants his attention, and I am NOT going to be part of that pause! Neither will I fight over a guy.
Now back to the problem: The second week of school I actually needed to get a schedule change and ended up getting switched into a math class with him. It was only one class, and I thought "Well, okay, maybe I can use all that I've learned and influence him for the good! Brandon is Brandon....This way I'll also be able to reestablish our friendship." And yeah, it started out that way. This is a new school year, and it felt like a breeze at the time. No problem...broken hearts...regrets? So far it HAS been the best! But just this math class...I also ended up accidently picking a seat beside him and in front of a girl I used to be good friends with until she found out I liked Brandon. (Yes...the usual girl drama you hear about...the thing is, though - I'm the kind of person that doesn't get any drama!!!!) Long story short, Brandon began to show some feelings toward me and this girl didn't like it all too much from the way she started treating me. (Sigh...why must we be mean to one another for no exact reason?)
Well, when I thought things wouldn't get any worse, he began to want hugs from me. Usually I'm okay with giving/receiving hugs from friends, but these were different. They weren't inappropriate, just unacceptable, for me. I just would never define them as friend hugs. So it's here part of the problem lies.
How do I get it across that I'm okay with friendly-affection, like hugs, without it meaning something more than mutual? He has seen me give out hugs to my other friends in certain situations, but when it would come to him, I’d either skip him, or give him one half willingly.
This is only because I'm afraid of what is going on in his mind when I give one out to him, or vice versa, and I don't want him to get the wrong kind of message from me. Right here I'm in trouble because I don't want to hurt him, but then I want to be firm. He also supposedly asked another girl I know to be his girlfriend a few days ago, but he is still showing more than wanted attention toward me, which is extremely confusing.
I have been told from close friends and people that know him that he respects me. I've talked to my close girl friend about this and she says that from what she's seen and knows, if nothing else, his good RIGHTEOUS side has feelings toward me; he only lets "his worldly, un-steadfast, and moveable side" get in the way...Which is why I've been told that I'm the one who needs to take him aside and talk to him about the bad decisions he has made, and let him know how disappointed I am in him. Only then, if what has been said is true, he'd be willing to listen.
I'll admit that I've noticed some difference in the way he acts around me, but I don't want to make too many assumptions. What is your view, and what do you think about this? I think I've covered everything, but incase some things are a little vague to be sure, I'll be happy to explain anything if you need it to be!
Thanks Brother J!
-Another Young Woman=)
Dear Same Young Woman,
Hi.
It’s OK to feel embarrassed, especially if you don’t mind being mocked.
Seriously, I don’t know if I should be flattered you’ve written again or depressed that we made no progress.
But, what the heck, let’s try again!
My dear young sister, you’re in need of a serious reality check; don’t tell me you don’t get into any of the “usual girl drama”, I’m not buying it.
You’ve never stopped having a crush on this guy, you still want to be his “friend” and you still think you can “save” him.
I’m glad you feel stronger, I’m glad you’ve had Good Spiritual Experiences, but one EFY and a summer does not change everything.
Please, know that I say this with love: it’s time to find the brain and put it back in. There’s no such thing as a “friendly hug” between a teenage boy and girl. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I can promise you I know what he’s thinking.
You CAN’T “get it across that [you’re] okay with friendly-affection hugs”; whether this guy really likes you, has the hots for you, or is just trying to win the manipulation game, he’s winning and you’re losing.
A) You shouldn’t be doing so much hugging (it’s not nearly as harmless as you think) and
B) As Sister Jo says: “who cares what this guy thinks?!?”
Skip him. So what. No Young Woman should EVER give into the notion that she should feel obligated to hug, or kiss, or WHATEVER, with any guy (and yes, guys, that street runs both ways).
You’re not his Bishop. You’re not his Mom. You’re not his Therapist.
Don’t make ANY assumptions.
My view is that you’re still being drawn into treating him like some kind of project’ that you’re still flattered by the idea that you might be helpful and you enjoy the fact he seems to have feelings for you.
I’m not suggesting that you shun this boy; you should still be nice, but don’t send out mixed signals and don’t give him any impression that you want to be a couple.
(If anything, you may want to shun some of those bad-advice giving friends of yours . . .)
I think you still have a ways to go on the self-esteem train. It’s a bumpy ride, but well worth the fare.
Keep your standards high.
Look, I don’t mean to be overly harsh, just very clear. Often, it’s when we find ourselves on the right course that we’re tempted to let go of the rod the most.
Yes, we’re our brother’s keeper, but we can’t let go of the rod for a moment, thinking we can gather others in and bring them back, lest we too get lost in the fog.
Encourage this boy to make the right decisions. Be THAT KIND of friend. Then, when he’s firmly holding onto the rod on his own, then you can consider including him in your group of Potential Casual Dates.
Before I close, let me cover one more thing, for you and all of our female readers that I’ve written before but bears repeating: Guys lose intelligence when we’re around women. You can’t sugar coat information and expect that we’re going to understand. If you don’t like us, “in that way”, you’ve got to tell us and make it clear. If you don’t, what we’ll hear is “try harder”.
And that’s not what you want, is it?
- Bro Jo
k, this is a little off topic, but I felt urged to say this.. something I've realized in these days, especially in the high school scene, is that physical contact with people (in the form of hugging, snuggling, massaging, leaning against people, lying across/on people, doing "pleasurable" things to people, etc) has become such a casual thing. It's a replica of the 70s in San Fransisco, the "free love" thing. Not kidding. It's the trend these days to be "free" and have "peace" and "love" and "doing what feels good" over doing what feels right. As harsh as it may sound, it really is a serious reality check. When you look at it from the big clear picture, it's so clear that satan wants people, ESPECIALLY young people, to think that this much physical contact is an ok thing, if it feels good, it must be a good thing, right?? I know sooo many people will deny this, because the world and media, tv, clothing stores, the internet, sooo many things have made theses things so cool, and bluntly put as the scriptures prophesy, make evil look good. And good appear evil. They make it seem ok to be sitting on the laps of 3 guys at the same time and letting guys (AND girls) grope in a joking matter. It's disgusting. Such a sick world.
ReplyDeleteI kind of viewed my last year of high school in a bird's eye view almost the whole time and saw a LOT of this going on. It seemed so casual, I almost bought into it, until I felt a nudge from the spirit, personal space is a GOOD THING. Especially in times like these. Yes hugs are nice and all, but again, the world is making such precious things so casual... if a hug is normal as dirt, next a kiss must nice, making out and necking must be really sweet, and sex must be cool. And getting pregnant - oh em gee you're like Juno this is so fun! We'll have to have a baby shower!(no offense to any Juno fans out there! Also that's an exact quote I heard.)
Honest. I don't know how other high schools are with a larger Mormon population, but that's how my school was at least. It's these days where it is becoming clearer and clearer of the good and evil in the world, and it is so vitally important that we recognize this.